TIPS FOR SUCCESSFUL DATING
Go slowly.
Be yourself.
Name your feelings when appropriate.
Risk being vulnerable.
Don’t be afraid to have a good time!
THIS CHAPTER IS for those of you who long to have romance, but find it difficult to manifest and sustain loving relationships. For the shy person, dating can be extremely stressful. Part of the human condition is to experience conflict and ambivalence when confronted with the issue of solitude versus intimacy. For the timid, solitude is not as uncomfortable an experience as it is for the non-shy. Just as being alone can be excruciating for most extroverts, intimacy with another can elicit the same uncomfortable feelings in the introvert.
Why is intimacy so difficult? Because it requires risk. The risk of exposing our vulnerabilities, which many shy people avoid like the mall at Christmastime. Having spent years protecting yourself and attempting to hide your shyness, the prospect of letting go of this comfortable shell and allowing another into your life can be a bit frightening. But the good news is, by using your tools of Thought Stopping, transforming negative thoughts into positive ones, Acting As If, and redefining your belief that shyness is a liability into knowing that shyness is a strength, you can and will have a successful and loving relationship.
“If we deny love that is given to us, if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss, then our lives will be empty, our loss greater. If you fear nothing, you love nothing. If you love nothing, what joy can there be in life?”
—UNKNOWN
You must start slowly, however. It took years for you to develop a persona where intimacy is not easy, so being able to be close with someone will not happen overnight! Intimate closeness is built upon trust. This is another thing that may not come easily to the shy. Trust is built upon experience. Experiencing yourself and your love interest in a variety of situations, both the fun and easy and the difficult ones, will build the trust you need to risk getting closer to someone else. The key ingredient that enables the intimacy-shy to get close to another and to allow the other to get close to him or her is exposure.
As you literally expose yourself (your vulnerability anyway!) to these different experiences, you will develop more confidence in your ability to handle situations that you previously may have been fearful to engage in.
Many people wonder if they should divulge the fact that they have experienced painful shyness in their lives to a new love interest. The answer is a resounding “yes!” Getting to know someone, and letting them get to know you, can be fun, exciting, and sometimes a little scary. It is important that you let your partner know that while you may be quiet at times, it is not anything he or she should take personally. You can let your partner know that solving your shyness and becoming stronger is a challenge which you are happily engaged in dealing with.
Everyone can be insecure to some degree and in certain situations. You don’t want someone you are interested in to interpret your quiet demeanor as aloof disinterest. Even though you will employ your strategies of Acting As If and Thought Stopping on dates as well, you will probably want to let your partner know you sometimes feel uncomfortable with conversation in a group, for example, so that your partner doesn’t feel that he or she is boring or uninteresting to you! The following techniques will come in handy in love-shy situations.
In dating as in other social areas, it is helpful to say, either out loud or to yourself, what you are feeling. We will go into this at length in the last chapter, “Putting It Into Practice,” but for now, Naming a Feeling will serve a couple of purposes that will be useful to you in your dating life.
David describes how naming his feelings worked for him:
“I was seeing this great girl for about two months and I still hadn’t gotten the nerve to kiss her. We’d been on six dates. The first one was horrible and I thought she would never go out with me again. I don’t drink much and I ended up having three glasses of wine because I was so nervous but it just made me feel stupid and I ended up getting more self-conscious, and of course feeling wrecked the next day didn’t help. I finally got the courage to call her a few days later to see if she wanted to go out again, figuring either she’d say no or not pick up the phone, but she actually sounded happy to hear from me! So the next date I didn’t have to get trashed to talk to her and we had a great time. By date number four I really wanted to kiss her goodnight, but I was way too nervous. The next date I spent the entire time worrying about the last five minutes to come at the end and whether I’d be able to kiss her. I wasn’t.
“Now it’s date six and I just decided when she asked me at one point if I was okay. I must have looked panic-stricken or something, because I wasn’t in the present at all, just thinking about when the time came to say goodnight. I decided to tell her the truth. I told her I liked her and really wanted to kiss her goodnight, but I was nervous and wasn’t sure if I should and before I could get the rest of the sentence out she reached over and kissed me!”
No promises here that naming your feelings out loud will elicit as dramatic a response as David received, but the basic premise remains. When we state how we feel in any given moment, such as “I feel nervous right now,” this will lead to a “why” response: “Because I want to go on a date with this person who is interested in me.” And then you can name the thought causing the feeling that usually contains some element of fear or insecurity.
It’s a circular process. A thought creates a “why” response, which creates a feeling, which creates fear, which leads to avoidance:
THOUGHT: I’m afraid to ask her out.
WHY: Because she’ll probably say no.
FEELING: I am such a loser.
FEAR/AVOIDANCE: I won’t ask her so I won’t get hurt.
Once you recognize this cycle of self-defeating, insecurity-based thinking, you can deploy your arsenal of Thought Stopping and negative thought replacement:
THOUGHT: I’m afraid to ask her out.
WHY: Because she might say no.
FEELING: I am a loser.
STOP THOUGHT: No, I am fun to be with and I have a lot to offer someone in a relationship. I’ll take a risk and ask her out. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
All of the exercises we’ve learned so far are designed to help you feel comfortable with just simply being who you are. And coming to the realization that you don’t need to be more than that. You’ve learned how many wonderful traits you possess by virtue of your sensitive nature. Now it’s time to allow yourself to be who you fully, truly are. Someone who is interested in you is interested in all facets of you. If that person is not, then move on, and quickly. You will only deepen and encourage more interest on his or her part if you risk being honest and being yourself.
Hiding our true nature is not attractive, whether it’s our external beauty and accomplishments or internal accomplishments derived from looking hard at ourselves and having the courage to change. Dare to take the chance to let someone get to know you and you will be delighted to find it becomes easier to get close to others and allow them to see the real you. Shame is the unspoken secret of the painfully shy. By now you understand that your shyness, being a part of you and not all of you, is nothing to be ashamed of. To the contrary, you may find your modest, quiet personality is extremely seductive to others.
“So many people [are] shut up tight inside themselves like boxes, yet they would open up, unfolding quite wonderfully, if only you were interested in them.”
—SYLVIA PLATH
As we’ve learned, talking to others in a social situation is not easy for the habitually shy. Becoming friends with others requires risks that are difficult, and expanding this risk-taking to include intimate relationships involving love.
Partnership and marriage is territory you may have felt was off-limits to you. You may even have felt that your shyness would prohibit you from engaging in a healthy relationship that could lead to your having a family and a close circle of friends. This is another of the negative myths or stigmas associated with shyness—that the shy are destined to be lonely, isolated individuals. You can choose now to change this externally imposed prescription for your life.
You can choose to have intimacy and closeness with another human being. You will not be exempt from all the difficult issues that arise in love relationships for everyone, but you will not be alone and you will enjoy a rich, full life.
TIPS FOR SUCCESSFUL DATING
Go slowly.
Be yourself.
Name your feelings when appropriate.
Risk being vulnerable.
Don’t be afraid to have a good time!
For the lucky few of you out there, you may meet your soul mate on your first date. Stranger things have happened! But for the rest of you, do go on every date you are asked out on. Refuse no offers. This may be pushing you out of your comfort zone, but what you are actually doing by dating frequently is practicing. And if you have been shy in your love life, you need lots of practice!
Okay, you say. This all sounds great. But how do you meet people? The following is a list of possible places and ways to comfortably engage with others and possibly meet that special someone.
The gym is a great place to meet new people. And it can’t hurt to also feel confident about your physical appearance when you’re contemplating dating! Remember to use your shy-strength and dare to make eye contact and smile. If you keep your eyes glued to the floor as you move through the weight-lifting machines, you may miss an opportunity for conversation with a potential partner. If you don’t already belong to one, visit several gymnasiums. If you want to meet a guy, you obviously don’t want to join a women’s-only gym. If you’re a guy looking for a female love interest, stay away from the more macho, weight-lifting-focused gyms, which cater to the testosterone crowd.
If one-on-one exchanges are too much for you to handle at this point in your quest to solve your shyness, you might try some of the other group activities offered, such as beginning (or advanced) tennis, racquetball, hiking, or running. Most gyms have a bulletin board prominently displayed with sign-up sheets for group endeavors. If you do find you fancy someone, make sure you go back to the gym at the same time of day if possible. Many people have a set routine and time for exercising. And it may feel more comfortable to talk to someone after you have both noticed and had a few nonverbal (eye contact) exchanges at the water fountain with each other.
EXPAND YOURSELF
Shop around. Most gyms will give you a tour or a day pass and you can use this opportunity to check out the vibe of the place and whether or not you feel comfortable there.
Try to go to the gym either early in the morning or after work, when most people attend. Lunch break is also a good time, but people tend to be more in a hurry and less inclined to engage in small talk.
Choose classes that are coed, such as spinning or kickboxing. A guy looking to meet a woman might venture into the predominantly female high-impact aerobics class, and as he will be greatly outnumbered, the women will probably be curious about his presence. Women will find opportunities to speak with men if they venture into the free-weight section. Men are often happy to give advice on correct weight-lifting techniques to the few women who are brave enough to walk into their territory.
Check out the treadmill section. Try using the elliptical machines, since they are more conducive to chatting than the treadmill on which people tend to be very serious about getting in their ten miles in forty-five minutes. Many gyms now even have individual television sets that are listened to via headphones. Whatever you do, don’t wear headphones or read a book or magazine. Try to stay away from these distractions from interaction. When you walk into the gym, scan the room.
Use the stationary bike or machine next to someone who interests you. Smile and say hello if possible. If the person is single and is also looking to meet someone, be open to any conversation that might ensue.
Bookstores have become one of the best ways to meet new people. Many even have cafés where you can sit down—and whatever you do, do not read a book! After putting on your best Acting As If persona, walk over to your favorite section. Is it philosophy? Fiction? Bestsellers? Fly-fishing?
A well-known secret is that the travel section is a good place to strike up a conversation with someone. If you’ve always wanted to go to Tibet, pick up a book and browse through it. If you notice someone interesting looking at a book on Italy and you’ve been there you might even ask if he or she is traveling there for the first time. If the answer is yes, you’ll have something to talk about. Of course, you know the best, not-to-be-missed restaurant in Rome, tucked away down a labyrinthine street. If the person has been there before, you might compare notes.
What this all amounts to is this: Certain topics, such as travel, are less intimidating to talk about with someone you don’t know and have never met before. Everyone has something to say about places traveled to and adventures had. If you and the pleasant stranger have both been to a certain country before, you can compare notes. If you are in the self-help section and looking at books on—oh, say, shyness, for example—you may just find yourself engaging in conversation with someone else interested in the same topic, and there will be no problem for either of you in discussing this subject!
Try to sample many different bookstore environments, from the larger chain stores to the smaller specialty ones. If you have an avid interest in photography, for example, find a store that specializes in this area. Ask to be put on their mailing list so you can stay informed of any upcoming events you might like to attend.
If you already belong to a traditional denominational church, chances are you are aware of several opportunities to meet people with whom you share a belief system. Many churches also have affiliations with organizations for single or divorced members to meet others of like mind. You may wish to speak to your pastor or priest to learn more about this. If your particular church is not an option for meeting new people, you may wish to attend churches in other areas of your community.
If you have a personal spiritual practice such as meditation or yoga, or a general interest in holistic healing or Eastern philosophy, joining a group or attending seminars is a wonderful way to meet others who share similar thinking. Developing a spiritual practice can greatly enhance all areas of your life and will enrich any potential partnership.
Volunteering your time to a worthy cause is not only good for the world and for yourself, but it is a terrific way to meet other single people who have an interest in belonging to a group devoted to doing selfless work to help others less fortunate. Choose a cause you are interested in, whether it’s helping disadvantaged children, advancing animal rights, or volunteering in a hospital; you will be surrounded by wonderful people like yourself who wish to make the world a kinder place. You can locate these organizations through your church, or online.
Sometimes the most obvious solutions are the most difficult to see. Let your friends and acquaintances know that you are ready to take the gigantic step of including another person in your life. You know this won’t be easy, but you are now up for the challenge. You can face your fear with an “I Choose” statement, such as “I choose to meet someone I can have a meaningful relationship with because I want to feel less lonely and isolated.”
Have you always wanted to learn falconry? Pottery? Gardening? Guitar? Astrology? Taking a class either at an arts center or a continuing education institution is a fabulous way to meet people. And you will be learning something new at the same time! Check out the bulletin board at your local post office, the health food store, or museum/gallery. Local haunts such as coffee shops, bohemian-type restaurants, and art supply stores often have a networking site where fliers and other notices for classes and opportunities are posted.
Along these same lines, there are many wonderful groups to join where you might meet people who share similar interests. Do you like to:
Mountain bike
Horseback ride
Attend the theater or opera
There are groups for everything. Feel free to be creative in your search. If bicycling is something you love to do, go to your local cycle shop and inquire about any group outings. If they don’t have the information, ask for some suggestions as to who might. And if you are feeling exceptionally shy-strong, put up your own notice saying you are looking for people to ride with on weekends.
If you love art, music, or plays, contact your favorite museum or gallery and ask about group tours. You can also get in touch with your local community center or chamber of commerce. The Internet may also be of help in finding groups you might like to join.
The reason this option for meeting others is last on the list is simple. Staying home alone in front of your computer is not the optimal way to finally solve your issues of shyness. Many people who are too shy to date have described spending weeks, months, even years(!) chatting or IMing people on dating sites and never getting up the nerve to meet with them in person. The previous suggestions for meeting people require you to be proactive in your search to find a partner. Actively making a commitment to challenge your habitual shyness and getting out there in the world is what will bring you closer toward your goal of greater self-confidence.
Internet dating sites may fit your comfort level like the proverbial glove, but you will not be challenging yourself to confront and overcome your fears unless you take an active role and personal responsibility for meeting others. The Internet can be a great resource for meeting someone. But if you do choose this route, make sure you actually meet with them. Again, as in any dating, meet any and all people you feel you might have a rapport or something in common with. Even if none turns out to be the love of your life, you will gain experience in talking to another person one to one and you may even make some friends in the process.
In meeting for the first time, you should pick the time and place. The time for a first meeting should preferably be in the afternoon or early evening. Choose a place you are comfortable in, perhaps one you frequent. This probably goes without saying, but if at any point you start to experience an uneasy feeling due to inappropriate talk or behavior from the other person, you are perfectly justified in excusing yourself and leaving. Meeting and getting to know someone does not include tolerating bad behavior.
Research Internet dating sites. There are hundreds of them out there, but only a handful are reputed to be reliable and a productive use of your time. Some even screen for potential “crackpots,” ensuring you will not be exposed to an unpleasant experience, which is extremely important as you make your first venture out into the world of dating. Here are some guidelines for Internet dating:
Ask a friend, acquaintance, coworker, or family member who may guide you to the best site for you.
Find something that’s appropriate to your needs. If you are looking for a long-term relationship, for example, you don’t want to waste your time on sites that advertise themselves as “Singles looking for a fling.”
As far as your listing goes, be as honest and specific as you can regarding what type of person you are hoping to meet. This will save you a lot of dead-end meetings and miscommunications down the road.
Even if someone does not meet all of your criteria, he or she just might be an interesting dinner partner to converse with, and getting out there in the world and feeling less isolated and lonely is one of your goals.