You may feel uncomfortable around very loud and demonstrative people. This doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. You are just by nature more comfortable with people who are less aggressive in their emotional expression.MAINTAINING YOUR SENSE of self and your commitment to transforming your shyness into strength can be a daunting task indeed, especially when in the company of other people who are extremely extroverted. When surrounded by the non-shy, people with a more quiet and reserved demeanor, which can often be described as “shyness,” tend to withdraw even further from a conversation or social interaction. This challenge presents a great opportunity for you to practice your shy-strong exercises and can give you an even deeper commitment to redefining your previous negative assumptions about what it means to be shy.
We have discussed how gentleness and tact are two of the attributes you inherently possess. Since the old adage that opposites attract is observed time and again, you may find, if you take a look at your life and the significant people in it, that you associate with a great many extroverts. You may also find that many people in your life are rather “difficult” personality types. There is no coincidence here. By definition, your quiet nature lets you tolerate a lot of behaviors that a more assertive personality would not be able to handle.
If the loud and commanding person—and there is no judgment here as to this being a negative personality trait; it is simply a certain expression of a personal style—happens to be someone you have frequent interaction with, such as a boss or coworker, you may have made yourself more quiet and less visible in order to balance the energy level of your social exchange. If this is the case, you must be aware of the toll this relationship takes on you in terms of stress and the need you feel to repress your own feelings.
Shy people are great peacemakers. You are also often eager to please, and this can put you in the position of having to listen to and absorb a lot of emotional expression from others, which can include anger. The other people may even believe that you are very strong, since most people would challenge, question, or otherwise talk back to them. They admire your ability to be a tree in the hurricane of their demonstrative style and may come to depend on you for this ability you have that others do not. What they don’t know is that this is not strength at all unless you understand and accept that you are choosing to use your reserve and tact in dealing with a difficult person whom you must deal with on a daily basis, especially in the case of an employer or manager.
“A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities.”
—WILLIAM ARTHUR WARD
There are ways for you to withstand a difficult personality type without stifling your true feelings and filling yourself with worry and stress. If the loud person in your life whom you find yourself being extra quiet around is a spouse or family member, the same holds true as for other relationships, although there is a slight difference. Say your husband, wife, or significant other is a dyed-in-the-wool extrovert, who has come to rely on and expect you to be submissive and nonconfrontational with regard to your interactions with him or her. As you begin to try to change this dynamic you may be met with, at best, surprise, and at worst, resistance.
We’ll discuss assertiveness later, but for now, the most important thing for you to grasp is that your “shyness” is a reaction to your exposure to overt extroversion and not the cause. Think about whom you feel most comfortable around. Are these people quiet and gentle or outgoing and boisterous?
You may recall the example of Jim, whose large extended family were either “hollerers” or “screechers.” His reaction to all this clamoring for attention was to withdraw into his room and listen to soothing music. As you’ve learned, your shyness has given you many admirable qualities. One of these characteristics may also be sensitivity to certain personality types.
You may feel uncomfortable around very loud and demonstrative people. This doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. You are just by nature more comfortable with people who are less aggressive in their emotional expression.
You may feel more comfortable around extroverts. That’s because you know there will be less demand upon you to participate.
The goal here is not to rid yourself of people who are extroverted and unlike you. The goal is to acquire another shy-strength—being able to be present for yourself, stick up for yourself, and hold your own while in the company of others who would never describe themselves as “shy.” If you have a loved one, family member, spouse, friend, coworker, or employer who is of the extrovert variety, you are well aware of your tendency to stay in the background, back away from any confrontation, and essentially let them run the show. While this may seem like peacekeeping or is just plain easier and less stressful than speaking up for what you want, it is a difficult scenario that may lead to you harboring resentments for being unheard, unappreciated, not respected or listened to, and often ignored.
So! Here lies one of the biggest challenges to solving your shyness and becoming more confident. You need to become more assertive. And as any person who has experienced shyness can tell you, becoming more assertive is a scary task. But certainly not as daunting (or exhausting!) as trying to dodge and placate an aggressive personality.
“Assertiveness” can be defined as the ability to assert, to state or express positively, or to affirm. It means you will defend or maintain your rights, for example, or put yourself forward boldly in an effort to make your opinion known.
“Aggression” could be defined as the act of initiating hostilities. It means the practice or habit of launching attacks. In psychological terms, aggression is hostile or destructive behavior or actions.
Simply stated, assertiveness is a positive action and aggression is a destructive one.
Many people confuse assertiveness with aggression. They feel that if they defend or maintain their rights, they are being aggressive and hostile. The root of this confusion is difficulty with understanding the expression of anger. This difficulty is not only in expressing your own anger, but in the uncomfortable feelings that arise when you feel others are angry, usually not only if you believe they are angry with you, but for any reason whatsoever. We may even feel that another person is angry when they are being assertive—for example, putting themselves forward boldly or forcefully in an effort to be heard. The terms “bold” and “forceful” are not words generally used to describe the shy. In fact, “timid” and “submissive” are the adjectives you may have become accustomed to hearing.
Anger is a feeling we all experience. There is nothing inherently wrong with feeling angry. Anger only becomes a “problem” when it is used to hurt, belittle, abuse, or intimidate another. There is such a thing as healthy anger. When you have been treated abusively or unfairly, you will undoubtedly feel anger. Many shy people are as afraid of their own feelings of anger as they are of others being angry with them.
When you’re angry at someone:
Do you tell the person how you feel or do you hold the uncomfortable feeling in, fearful of repercussions that might result from your expressing your emotions?
Are you afraid the other person will get angry with you?
Are you afraid you might be judged harshly?
Are you worried that the person will no longer be your friend or might leave you or stop loving you?
The fear of disappointing another or of losing their love are the two main motivators for holding back when we feel angry. The danger in repressing our genuine feelings, and especially angry ones, is that this can often contribute to our feeling powerless, hopeless, and, sometimes, depressed. Remember, being assertive does not mean being angry—although the circumstances that prompt your need to be assertive may initially cause you to feel a great deal of anger.
WHEN TO BE ASSERTIVE
If you maintain that assertiveness is a positive behavior and aggression is a destructive one, you will have a guideline as to how to express yourself appropriately when you wish to have your needs met and reach your goals. You will also have a good barometer for when to be assertive:
If the action taken (assertiveness) is done in order to make a positive change such as standing up for your rights, allowing yourself and your feelings to be heard and noticed, protecting yourself from harm, or attempting to further your goals, then you are being assertive.
If the action taken will cause negativity and hurt, then one is engaged in being aggressive.
Assertiveness is a healthy, positive expression of your need to stand up for yourself. Many shy people would have a lot less difficulty defending someone else who is being treated badly, for example, or protesting cruelty to an animal, than they would have defending themselves.
Asserting yourself does not mean you must feel or express yourself in an angry manner. To the contrary, being assertive builds confidence and is a great tool in helping you solve your shyness. You will need to practice this many times, however, before you feel comfortable with being assertive.
Let’s revisit the example from the questionnaire wherein you expected a promised raise at your workplace and never received it, although coworkers received theirs. The obvious aggressive response would be to storm into your boss’s office, spewing profanities and demanding your raise while threatening to quit if it is not forthcoming. The assertive response would be to sit down with your boss and ask why you did not receive your raise. If the answer seems unfair to you (which it undoubtedly will!), you would now state your feelings on this inequality clearly and in a calm manner. You might also want to point out that others did receive their salary increase and you expect to be treated with the same respect as your coworkers.
The shy-strong know that asserting oneself is a win-win situation. The person attempting to take advantage of you will be put on notice that you are not to be treated unfairly, and in the meantime you will also get what you want. The reality is that assertiveness expressed in a nonconfrontational manner is highly respected by all and the shy-strong know that asserting oneself—while not the easiest of tasks—is almost always recognized as a positive attribute by others. Remember to speak your truth from your place of compassion and express your sincere desire for a positive outcome, and you will succeed in getting what you want and need from others.
Other people cannot read your mind! If your needs are not being met, or you want to express something to a loved one, you must use your shy-strength and make a commitment to show up and be present for yourself by expressing your feelings. Again, using your shy-charm and innate gifts of tact, sensitivity, and good listening skills will serve you well as you begin to practice being more assertive.
Remember to go at your own pace. Be yourself. Don’t worry if you are timid about asserting yourself at first, or for some time to come. This may never be an “easy” thing for you to do, but with practice you will become more comfortable and less fearful about standing up for your rights.
TALK TO YOUR LOVED ONE
Make a list of feelings you would like to express to your loved one. Make another list of needs that you feel are not being met and that you believe would enhance your intimacy and shared time together.
Choose a time to speak when both of you are relaxed and can spend time together without interruption or distraction.
Preface what you are about to say with something positive about your partner and your relationship.
Reassure him or her beforehand that what you are about to say is not a criticism, just something you would like to express regarding your feelings.
Use “I” statements. For example, “I’ve noticed that we haven’t spent much time together lately.” Try not to use “you” to start a discussion: “You are always working and you never have time for me.” “You” statements will make the other person react defensively and feel that he or she has done something wrong and is being attacked or criticized.
State your feelings with empathy for what is in your partner’s heart. Risk the vulnerability of speaking from your heart and exposing your feelings, even if they come from a place of insecurity. What you may need is reassurance here, and remember, your partner is not a mind reader.
Finally, suggest a joint discussion for a solution: “What can we do about this situation so we can love each other more freely?”
Be prepared. Your partner will probably ask you, “What do you want to do?” or “What do you think would be a solution to this problem?”
Your partner is now asking about what you want and what you need from the relationship. So give the “problem” some thought before the discussion so that you are clear on what you do want and need. Take a risk and try this step-by-step process to ask for what will enhance your relationships with others. This type of dialogue is usually met with great success as long as your partner is open and you approach the talk with a gentle, caring attitude and sincere desire for change.
Those who know you will appreciate your efforts to speak what is on your mind, let them know how you feel, and tell them what you need from them in order to deepen your relationships and move closer toward what you desire and deserve in your connections with them.
Many shy people wish that their intimate relationships and friendships weren’t so “one-sided,” with you doing all the hard work in terms of compromise, compassion, and understanding. If you often feel as if you don’t deserve or have the right to be in a bad mood, say no, or take time for yourself, then you probably are not feeling safe enough to express your own needs. This type of dynamic with others can cause resentment and feelings of being taken advantage of and used.
The shy-strong know that they no longer have to feel they are victims. They know that being unable to ask for what one wants from friends and partners eventually leads to an unbalanced relationship with one side doing all the taking and the other doing all the giving.
You may have even come to the point where you feel that being a constant giver of attention and devoted understanding is your role and is what is expected of you. Of course you want to be a loving, giving, and compassionate person, but if this is at the expense of your own happiness, then you must challenge yourself to make some changes in the way you relate to others.
Standing up for yourself and your rights in your place of work may be even more daunting than asserting yourself at home or with friends. As noted previously, it has been documented that people who are perceived as shy tend to be passed over for promotion and career recognition more than their assertive coworkers. It is unfortunate, but a reality, that certain personality traits are valued more than others in the work environment. But again, you don’t have to become someone you are not. You do not have to display aggressive Type-A behavior in order to have a successful career.
Your abilities of being a good listener and being tactful and reserved and your sense of fairness and self-awareness are all important and vital characteristics of a leader. You already possess what it takes, so it’s time to get out of your own way, let go of habitual fear, and use your courage and determination to get what you want.
This is a perfect opportunity for you to practice your Acting As If technique. Even if you are afraid you will fail to assert yourself in your job, or are just plain afraid, you can act as if you are determined and confident in service to your goal of being noticed for the talented and capable employee you know yourself to be.
How many times have you sat in an office meeting where you had some great insights and ideas to offer, but remained silent? A general meeting is a great place to assert your opinion because it is a well-attended forum and you will certainly be noticed.
Think about your place of employment. When or where would the most influential and important players hear your knowledge? This is the place where you will start. Office chitchat is fine, and being well liked by your coworkers is important, but if you are actively pursuing a career goal, you must strategize and conserve your energy for the optimal use of your talents. This will also ensure that you don’t overwhelm yourself in your attempts to assert yourself, which is a new experience for you.
There are many ways to be noticed at work. Arriving early and staying late is the most often cited, but let’s get a bit more creative here. Besides, you will need your evenings free for all the new social encounters you are going to be engaging in soon!
The best way to get noticed at work is to express thoughtful and insightful input into a difficult account, client, office task, etc. You can probably think of many areas for which you have great ideas about ways they might be approached and managed better and more efficiently. Employers love a problem-solver. If you have a new and interesting take on how something can operate more smoothly, share it. But share it with someone who can either directly or indirectly advance your standing in the office.
One of the most frustrating experiences at any job is when someone else, usually someone more aggressive and ambitious than yourself, takes credit for your idea or hard work. Shy people are especially prone to being prey to this unfair treatment. If someone takes advantage of your reticence to assert yourself, as the old saying goes, “Don’t get mad, get even.” Asserting yourself in these situations is not only speaking up against an unfair, although very common work practice, but standing up for yourself will further enhance your goal of getting noticed and being heard and will greatly improve your chance for promotion. And the good news is that whoever felt you were easy prey to further his or her own ambition will be put on notice that you are no longer someone to be taken advantage of.
REMEMBER: A.C.T.
Assured
Confident
Trustworthy and Tactful
In some deep place within you, once you have stopped the fearful, negative thoughts and replaced them with positive ones, you know you are Assured, Confident, Trustworthy, and Tactful at your job. Now it is time to put this knowledge and expertise out in the world where you stand to reap the rewards of your talents.
Go slowly. Try asserting yourself in simple situations at first. If you have to do an important errand on your lunch break, for example, you can assert yourself by politely saying no if someone asks you to go at another, less convenient time for you. The same holds true if you are asked to work through a break. Decide whether you are being “used” because you usually do not say “no,” and whether this is an opportunity for you to begin practicing self-assertiveness.
DIFFICULT OR NOT DIFFICULT?
Make a list of the most important people in your life.
Put a “D” for a difficult personality type and an “N.D.” for the not difficult ones.
Now, mark the people on this list you feel most comfortable being around.
Make a seperate list of the traits that are common to all the people on the list you made in step 3.
Ask yourself why you find those character traits ones to which you’re drawn. Are they traits you feel you have yourself? Ones that you admire? Ones that you’d like to cultivate in your own personality?
Also, remember your Acting As If technique. In reality you are only acting like most of our coworkers do all the time, at least those who seem to always get what they want. Make a practice of consciously choosing to assert yourself at work at least once a day—even if it is only speaking up in an informal gathering around the coffee machine. As you practice and experience yourself in this new way, the more difficult opportunities, such as asking for a promotion or raise, will become less daunting.
We’ve talked about how shy people are often so grateful for any social contact that they tend to not be very choosy when it comes to the people they associate with and become friends with. The shy-strong have come to understand that they do not need to fraternize with people they have nothing in common with, or who are hurtful and selfish, or whom they just plain do not like.
Chances are, if you have experienced shyness, you will have difficult people in your life in some form or other, whether friends, family members, a love interest, or a coworker. All of the personality traits that make you shy-strong—your listening skills, gentleness, compassion, reserve, etc.—can actually attract difficult people to you. But this was before you understood these traits to be strengths. Now you can be free to decide whether these relationships are serving you in a positive way or leave you feeling badly about yourself.
If any important people in your life are threatened by or deride your attempts to change and transform your shyness, you may want to rethink your friendship with them. Of course you will give them many opportunities to embrace your commitment to living more fully in the world. But if your tendency to be fearful and timid was the glue that bound you to these people and they are now reluctant to accept your striving for growth, it is time to move on and choose a different type of person to befriend and associate yourself with.
A true friend will encourage and cheer you on as you move into the world more fully. These are the people you will want to spend more time with as you attempt to solve your shyness. Friends you put an “N.D.” next to (from the previous Difficult or Not Difficult? exercise), if not already your closest friends, will be soon and you will want to put more time and effort into these relationships.
Difficult people generally tend to:
1. Be self-centered and self-absorbed, and even selfish
2. Demand a great deal of your attention and time
3. Put their own needs ahead of others, regardless of the circumstances
4. Be quick to feel and express anger
5. Get easily offended
6. Blame others rather than take responsibility for their actions
7. Have unreasonable expectations of what others must do for them
Everyone can be difficult from time to time. But if a person has a difficult nature, you may find yourself “walking on eggshells” around him, afraid of his disapproval or angry outbursts. These folks also tend to have a very hard time with even the slightest confrontation, so the friends they do have are usually much more easygoing and compliant. Having several (or even one!) difficult personality in your social sphere can be exhausting and stressful.
Before you became shy-strong, you may have felt this was just the price you had to pay for friendship. But now you know you can choose whom you wish to associate and spend time with. The bottom line here is this: If, after spending time with a certain friend, you feel drained, depleted, and criticized, i.e., bad about yourself or resentful that the conversation was “all about her,” then you would do well to either speak to this person about developing a more balanced friendship or spend less time with her and more with those whom you feel energized, engaged, and joyful around.
As you meet more people, remember that you do not wish to engage in a repetitive pattern of letting other people choose you and then simply going along with them out of your fear of isolation. Make a list of qualities you would like to have in your friendships. You can also use this list as a reference as you get to know new people. Are they kind, respectful, interested in you? Are they also good listeners, compassionate, and supportive? These are the types of people you will get along with the best and also the ones who will be of greatest assistance to you as you continue your journey toward greater self-awareness, self-acceptance, and self-confidence.