Replace Negative Thoughts with Positive OnesIT IS NOW time to use the final step-by-step guide to solving your shyness. In order to be successful in this five-step process, you will need to also keep in mind the techniques you have already learned:
Replace Negative Thoughts with Positive Ones
Thought Stopping
Acting As If
Naming a Feeling
Talk Back (to irrational thoughts and fears)
Before we move on to describing the five steps in detail, there is one more technique you will need to learn and practice: visualization.
Essentially, visualization is the use of mental imagery to create or change a negative thought into a positive one. With practice, using your mind in this way can manifest extraordinary changes, not only in your attitude and the way that you feel about yourself, but also in circumstances in your life. Think of this technique as expanding on Acting As If. For example, if you wanted to present yourself in a certain situation with an aura of confidence, you would adopt the qualities of a confident person, making them your own—just as an actor would take on a role.
VISUALIZE
The first step in learning to visualize is relaxation. You will need to do this at a time and in a space where you will not be disturbed for about twenty to thirty minutes. Some people like to put on soothing instrumental music as they get their minds to quiet down. If you practice meditation, yoga, tai chi, or some other method of formal relaxation, this is a perfect time to spend ten minutes or so engaged in this activity. But this is not absolutely necessary. A quiet, comfortable room will be more than adequate. If your mind is racing with thoughts of the day you have just had, or worries, imagine putting all of your concerns in the basket of a hot air balloon and untying it and letting your worries and thoughts float away and disappear.
Another image for entering into a relaxed state is to mentally picture yourself by the ocean. As the tide drifts out, imagine your concerns written in the sand, and as the tide comes back in, it will erase your worries. Take your time and remember to breathe slowly, rhythmically, and deeply.
As your mind quiets down and your body relaxes, you are now going to imagine yourself somewhere where you feel completely safe, at peace, and happy. You might think of:
Sitting by a river or babbling brook
Standing on top of a mountain
Lying in a field of wild flowers
Walking through a pine forest
Walking in a desert or on the beach
Lounging in a room in a house in front of a fire
Enjoying yourself in a place from your imagination
The most important aspect here is the feeling of contentment and peace, which arise from being in this place. Again, take your time. Once you have found your “spot” where you feel wonderfully alive and joyful, you are ready to begin your visualization technique.
Suppose you have a job interview coming up and you are feeling nervous about it (something all of us would experience nervousness about!). You are going to picture, actually see, yourself walking into the office building, taking the elevator, entering the office where the interview is to take place, greeting the receptionist, entering the office of the interviewer, sitting down, and beginning the interview.
See yourself confident, fearless, friendly, and upbeat. Positive. Imagine having an interesting and productive exchange with the interviewers. See them liking you and being pleased with your resume.
See yourself talking with expertise and ease. Take your time here. You may even want to bring in some questions you believe you will be asked or want to ask, and see yourself answering them in a way that brings a look of satisfaction and respect to the faces of the others in the room.
See yourself acing the interview and getting the job. If negative thoughts should arise at any time during your visualization session, do your Thought Stopping (remember the door you can use to shut them out?) and move back to seeing yourself in a positive light and with a relaxed and confident frame of mind.
Visualize this scenario as many times as you like, until you get comfortable with the feeling it generates in you, and you feel you are able to field any question confidently. Remember, the most important part of the visualization process is the feeling you experience. You will use this positive energy to connect it to the visualization in order to ensure success.
With visualization we are going to add a deeper component to this technique. You are going to actually see yourself as that confident person. Think of it as something akin to the difference between feeling yourself being the actor, to watching yourself acting out your part on a big screen. The screen, of course, is your mind.
You are already aware that all change requires motivation. Another important component to change is allowing a feeling—a positive and comfortable one—to come into the realm of commitment, motivation, and will to change.
“Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement, and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness, and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success.”
—BRIAN ADAMS
1. The situation. Think of a situation in which you feel fearful, uncomfortable, and timid. (We are going to go through several typical examples using the five-step program.)
2. Notice the thoughts. Look for the negative self-talk that arises from the thought of being in the situation. Notice also the irrational thoughts and the worst-case scenario thoughts.
3. Do I need to engage in this situation? Ask yourself if you need to do this. If the answer is “yes,” then you are going to give the reason why and then actually say “Silence!” to the fearful thoughts. And replace them with an I Choose statement.
4. Talk back. Respond to the negative, self-defeating thoughts with the reasons why the irrational thoughts are not in your best interest and replace them with positive aspects of the situation.
5. Visualize. The final step is to replace the negative scenario causing the fearful thoughts with a positive one using visualization and mental imagery.
The following exercices will enable you to put these five steps into practice.
ASKING SOMEONE OUT FOR A DATE
❑ Step One: Situation
You are attracted to someone you’ve met at school, work, the gym, a café, or through a friend. This person seems to share your attraction and has been very friendly to you. You want to get to know him or her better.
❑ Step Two: Notice the thoughts
Fearful:
“I’m terrified to ask ______ on a date. What if he/she says no?”
“______ will probably think I’m weird. After all, he/she may think we are just friends.”
“I better not do this. If ______ says no, I’ll be devastated and he/she will never speak to me again, and I’ll be too embarrassed to talk to him/her.”
“Why would this person even want to go out with me? I have nothing to offer and I’ll be boring company. Of course, ______ will say no and probably laugh.”
Worst-Case Scenario:
“If I ask ______ and he/she says no, I’ll never be able to ask out another person again and I’ll be alone the rest of my life.”
❑ Step Three: Do I need to engage in this situation?
“Yes. Why? Because I want to be connected to other people. I want to have love and friendship in my life. If I don’t take this risk I will end up alone and that’s not how I want to live. I will silence the thoughts that are frightening me about something that could be so wonderful. I will choose to take a risk to be happy. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”
❑ Step Four: Talk back
“I have been noticing this person for a while now and he/she always seems happy when he/she sees me. I have a lot to offer someone in a relationship. Even if ______ does say no, I can say something like ‘Can’t blame me for trying…’ and ask if we could meet for coffee and be friends. I have the distinct feeling he/she is interested in me or else I wouldn’t be doing this in the first place. I’ll trust my instincts. I have nothing to lose.”
❑ Step Five: Visualize
Visualize going up to the person and making some small talk for a while.
See yourself at ease, friendly, and relaxed.
See the person smiling back at you, interested in you.
Feel how this feels. How it fills you with courage, confidence, and optimism.
See yourself asking if he/she would like to have dinner sometime and then see his/her enthusiastic reply of “yes!”
Carry this mental picture of yourself as you go up to the person the next time you see him/her. Act like the person you mentally imagined. That person is actually you.
ASSERTING YOURSELF IN THE WORKPLACE
❑ Step One: Situation
A position that entails a promotion, more responsibility, and a substantial salary increase has become available at your place of employment. You know you are very qualified for it.
❑ Step Two: Notice the thoughts
Fearful:
“There’s no way I would get this job. I am too scared to ask and I wouldn’t pass the interview anyway.”
“Joe wants this job too. He is much more outgoing than me and everyone likes him. He will get it so I shouldn’t stick my neck out just to fail.”
Irrational:
“People like me should not be in high positions at this company. I couldn’t handle the stress and besides I can’t even talk to people. They would never listen to me if I tried to be a manager, which is what I would have to do in this position. I don’t have the ‘people skills’ for a job like this.”
Worst-Case Scenario:
“Even if I did get the job, which I won’t, I would be terrible at it and end up getting fired and having no job at all.”
❑ Step Three: Do I need to engage in this situation?
“Yes. Why? Because it’s a job I am perfect for. I have the skills required and I want to advance in my career. I will silence the feelings and thoughts of insecurity and I choose to believe this is something I can do.”
❑ Step Four: Talk back
“I am very qualified for this job promotion. I’ve paid my dues here and am ready for advancement. I am as knowledgeable as Joe and I look forward to the challenges of being more involved with people I work with. There is a very good possibility I could be hired for this position and I will practice my interview skills beforehand so I am prepared. I have been unhappy for a while in my current position and it is time I made a change. If I don’t do this I may regret the loss of a wonderful opportunity, which doesn’t come along that often.”
❑ Step Five: Visualize
Mentally picture yourself asking for an interview for the job in question.
See yourself at the interview conducting yourself with confidence and feeling secure in your expertise and knowledge.
See yourself acting friendly, relaxed, and competent.
See the interviewer looking at you with interest and respect.
See him or her actually becoming more and more convinced that you are the right person for the job, because of the manner in which you are conducting yourself.
Feel the feeling as you recognize this in his or her face. You feel in command and esteemed. You are making a very good impression and you sense this.
Carry this mental picture of yourself into your interview. Act As If you are the person you imagined yourself to be. You wouldn’t have been able to imagine this individual if you were not that person already.
ASKING FOR WHAT YOU NEED FROM FAMILY MEMBERS
❑ Step One: Situation
You have come to resent the fact that you do everything for your family and you also work at a job. You are expected to cook, clean, help with homework, organize activities on the weekend, be a chauffeur for the kids after school, etc. You have absolutely no time for yourself and this is causing you a great deal of stress.
❑ Step Two: Notice the thoughts
Fearful:
“This is my job as a wife and mother. Complaining that I have no time to myself is not only selfish but will create anger and disharmony in the house.”
“If I express how I feel to my husband and children they will feel that I do not love them.”
“I can’t ask for what I need because I do not deserve to. I have a wonderful family. I do not want to lose them because of my selfishness.”
“If I talk to my husband about this, he might leave me since I would be being a bad wife and mother.”
Worst-Case Scenario:
“It is ridiculous for me to jeopardize my marriage and relationship with my children over something so silly. Besides, if I don’t do all these things, they will not get done. My children will fail at school and have no social life and friends. My husband will divorce me and I will be alone and devastated.”
❑ Step Three: Do I need to engage in this situation?
“Yes. Why? Because I find I am stifling my feelings of resentment and anger so much it is making me anxious and stressed out. All I am asking for is a little help with some things my family could easily do. I need to do this so I can be an even better mother and wife. I have not been very happy lately and I know the reason why. This can’t be good for my family either! I will silence the negative voice that tells me I do not deserve an hour or so a night for myself and I choose to ask for what I need so I can be more joyful and less resentful.”
“I do not want to feel unhappy and stressed all the time. I want to be able to relax and either read or meditate or go to the gym once in a while. This is important for my personal development and will help me feel better about myself in general. Feeling stressed all the time is an unhealthy way to live. I love my family and they love me. I have never asked them for any help with anything so how could they know this has become such an issue for me? They are not mind readers. It will be good for me to ask for what I need and this will also send a good message to my children that they are also responsible for things around the house that they take for granted. I know my husband loves me and wants me to be happy. He is always saying I do too much anyway. I think he may even be proud of me for speaking up. After all, it may also mean he and I will have more time to spend with each other.”
❑ Step Five: Visualize
Mentally picture yourself sitting down with your family to a wonderful dinner (which you’ve ordered out!). You have a list prepared of ideas for ways in which your family can help out more.
See yourself calm, relaxed, at ease.
Tell your family you have been thinking a lot about how the family handles chores, etc., and you want to ask for their help in making things more balanced.
See yourself telling them you want to feel more available to them, but you don’t have a second to spare since it seems you have taken on the entire job of keeping the family running smoothly.
See your husband holding your hand as you say all this. He is with you 100 percent.
Read through your list of what needs to be done that you feel could easily be handled by others.
Ask them for help in figuring out this problem.
Ask for what you need from them. Who can volunteer to clear the dishes and put them in the dishwasher, walk the dog, make breakfast, cook dinner once a week, help a sibling with homework, vacuum on Saturday morning, etc.?
See your family embracing this new idea in a positive way, showing how much they care for and love you.
See a look of surprise and respect come over their faces as they watch you do something you have never done before.
Feel the feeling that comes with this. Is it relief? Hope? Happiness? Fill yourself with this feeling and carry it inside you to your talk with your family.
Know that feeling less stressed and more relieved, happier, and optimistic will be the outcome of your asking for what you need. Act like the confident, loving person you imagined yourself to be in this visualization. She is you.
ASKING FOR WHAT YOU NEED FROM A COWORKER
❑ Step One: Situation
You are a member of a team at work. One of your coworkers is constantly asking you to cover for him and do work that is his responsibility. You want to say no to him the next time he asks you to finish a report for him.
❑ Step Two: Notice the thoughts
Fearful:
“If I say no, the work will not get done and our team will be viewed as irresponsible and poor performers.”
“Everyone counts on me to be there for them. If I let them down, they will be angry with me and work will become unbearable.”
Irrational:
“The only reason my team puts up with me is because I always do the extra work so we all look good. If I say no and do not do this for him, I will be ostracized and even more ignored than I already am. Besides, the only time others on my team talk to me is when they want me to do something for them.”
Worst-Case Scenario:
“If I say no to him, he just won’t do the work and then he will blame it on me somehow and since everyone likes him, he will keep his job and tell the boss it’s my fault and I will be the one who gets fired.”
❑ Step Three: Do I need to engage in this situation?
“Yes. Why? Because I have been covering for this guy for over a year. I work until eight o’clock most nights and he leaves at five. I bring home work on the weekend and he goes skiing. I am being taken advantage of and I need to start standing up for myself. I will silence the thoughts that tell me I do not deserve to be treated fairly and respectfully. I choose to say no the next time he asks me to do his work and if I have to I will talk to our supervisor about the situation.”
❑ Step Four: Talk back
“I am good at my job. My team respects and likes me. They know I always go the extra mile to help out, but the situation with this one coworker is unacceptable and I have not told anyone about it. I am a team player but enough is enough. If he can’t do his own work, he deserves to lose his job. My position is not in jeopardy since my supervisor knows how hard I work and how professional I am. I want to have a life outside of work too. I am not even getting paid for all the overtime I put in doing my own and this other guy’s work. I want to learn to be more assertive in my life and this is a perfect opportunity for me to practice those skills. I know I can say this in a way that will not make him angry; but if he does take offense then it is his problem, not mine.”
❑ Step Five: Visualize
Mentally picture your coworker coming up to you on a Friday afternoon and asking if you wouldn’t mind finishing up his part of a project due on Monday morning.
See yourself confident, relaxed, and with perhaps a sense of humor as you say, “Sorry, Bill, no can do.”
See the look of astonishment on his face.
Hear him plead with you, giving you his usual story of how important the upcoming weekend is for him.
Feel yourself get stronger in your resolve.
See yourself tell him not only will you not finish his project, but you are not going to cover for him anymore in the future. And if he can’t handle his own workload he should ask someone else to help him or talk to your supervisor.
See the look of amazement in his eyes since he’s never heard you speak this way.
Feel great! You are finally standing up for yourself and you see him realize he can no longer have unrealistic expectations of you.
Hear him apologize for having leaned on you so much.
See yourself smile at him and say that is all in the past. “From here on out, you are on your own.”
Carry this feeling of confidence, power, and resolve to work with you. Call upon this mental image the next time he asks an unrealistic “favor” of you. When he does, Act As If you are the person you imagined yourself to be: in control, determined, and someone not to be taken advantage of—because that is who you now are.
SPEAKING IN PUBLIC
❑ Step One: Situation
You must present a talk in front of an audience, promoting a new line your advertising company is launching. Since you are the creator and head of this ad campaign, you are expected to unveil it to the public.
❑ Step Two: Notice the thoughts
Fearful:
“There is no way I can do this. I am terrified of speaking in public. I will make a fool of myself and the company will look bad.”
“If I get up there, I will not remember what I have to say and everyone will be staring at me just standing there, and seeing that I am incompetent.”
Irrational:
“I have worked so hard on this project. It will fail and the agency will suffer a big loss and be extremely disappointed in me if I fail, which I know I will.”
“If I do go up there and do not succeed in promoting this line, I will never be put in charge of a large account again and word will get out that I cannot do my job, so when they let me go, no one else will take a chance on me.”
❑ Step Three: Do I need to engage in this situation?
“Yes. Why? Because this is part of my job. I am the creative director of this line and it is my pride and joy. I know I have to get over this fear of speaking in public if I am to advance in my career and be given other great opportunities like this one. I will silence the self-defeating thoughts that tell me I will be a failure and I choose to do the best I can at Acting As If I am confident, even though I will probably feel nervous.”
❑ Step Four: Talk back
“I know this project inside and out. No one else would be able to speak about it as passionately as I can. I believe this is my best work and I have a responsibility to show up for all the time and effort I have put into it. I do not want to regret not seeing this thing through to the end. If I did get someone else to do the presentation who isn’t able to answer questions from the audience, then the work will not be seen in its most positive light. I would never forgive myself if it did not sell because I was too afraid to get up there and handle the pressure. I am a professional and I am completely prepared for any and all questions that might arise. If I can do this, it will also position me for a big advance in my career, which is what I want and have spent years working toward.”
❑ Step Five: Visualize
Mentally picture the presentation of the line being shown on a video screen. You are introduced as the creator and an appreciative audience applauds as you walk out. You may feel a bit nervous, but you will choose to transform this feeling into excitement and energy.
Feel confident, in control, and very prepared.
See yourself walking over to the microphone and beginning to speak. You are amazed at how easy it is to talk about something you have lived and breathed for three years.
Feel more at ease as you begin talking about the qualities and benefits of this new line. This is something you believe in and you see yourself conveying this genuineness to the audience.
See yourself acting naturally, speaking in a confident tone.
Feel the feeling of being in control, of being knowledgeable, and prepared.
See yourself finishing up your presentation and asking for questions.
Feel how easy it is for you to call upon people and answer their queries intelligently.
See yourself standing with your team after the presentation. Your fellow workers are congratulating you on a job well done.
Feel proud and of course relieved, but filled with satisfaction and peace of mind that you were able to accomplish something you never dreamed you were capable of.
Carry this feeling of confidence, pride, and determination with you the day of your presentation. Mentally review this visualization. Fill yourself up with the feelings you felt as you Act As If you are the person you imagined, because there is no doubt about it: That person is you.
There are many books, groups, and Internet sites that offer assistance to those engaging in the journey of becoming shy-strong. In this book, we’ve suggested that shyness is a personality trait with a lot of wonderful qualities, which must be integrated and acknowledged, not “overcome” or “conquered.” As you investigate further, keep in mind that you are not going to go back to a negative view of yourself as terminally “shy.” Instead, you’re looking at resources that might interest you and help you in transforming yourself. Good luck!