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I’M SITTING AT A TABLE with Colin, nursing two fingers of Glen Garioch scotch when Colin stops mid conversation.
“Shit’s about to get interesting,” he says.
I follow Colin’s gaze to the woman walking toward us. I’m sure my eyes are playing tricks on me. I see Olivia’s face everywhere I go and I still feel the lingering ghost of her touch. It takes my brain a moment to realize what my dick already has. It’s Olivia wearing a skintight black dress and sky-high red heels. Her graceful strides seduce me with every step. Adrenaline erupts in my veins, heating my blood. I want to strip her bare and follow the curves of her body with my mouth, devouring every inch of her.
“Do you mind if I speak with Dorian alone?”
“You should never wait to say I love you. You may not get a second chance,” Colin says for my ears only. Vacating his seat, he offers it to Olivia, and she takes it. Leaving Olivia and I to our own devices, Colin gets lost in the crowd.
Olivia reach for my hand and I let her take it. I’ve been incapacitated by the loss of her, and I didn't realize how lonely I am until I saw her face. One touch and she bring me back to life, air fills my lungs, expanding my chest. And I remember how she gave herself to me, gave me her total submission. I want more. I want her. My sunshine.
What I feel for Olivia escapes definition, but love describes it best. To say I've fallen in love for the first time is an understatement. I feel like I’m flying through space at warp speed. And even if I crash and burn it will be worth it.
“Can we go somewhere private?”
Anticipation swells my cock. The thought of taking her to my playroom again makes me deaf to the real reason she’s requesting privacy.
“We need to talk. It’s important.”
I finally hear the seriousness in Olivia’s tone.
“We can talk in the playroom, if that’s okay with you?”
Entering my playroom with no expectation of sex, forces me to accept that I only want Olivia to share it with me. The door closes behind us and I wait for her to speak.
“Who is CC?”
I wish I could say I’m surprised Carina found a way to get to Olivia. What does surprise me is how I no longer want to hide in the darkness, by pushing away my sunshine. The truth claws its way up my throat, and I set it free.
“You once asked why I quit acting.”
“You said you grew tired of being told what to do and how to behave.”
“That’s right, but there’s so much more to it than that.”
Olivia takes a seat on the bed, urging me to sit next to her. I remain standing, pacing to collect my thoughts.
“Carina Channing was my uncle Peter’s wife. They took guardianship of me after my parents died. My uncle died of Pneumonia two years later. I was eleven years old when she became my sole guardian. The physical abuse started soon after.” Olivia remains silent, but I see the horror in her eyes. When she doesn’t try to hide it from me, I continue. “I was fourteen when the sexual abuse started, and too much of a coward to stop her. She used physical and sexual abuse to train me to be her submissive.”
“Dorian.” Olivia whispers my name, but all I hear is pity in her voice.
I ignore her pity and my shame in favor of banishing demons.
“She would write script after script. I had to memorize them like any other role I’d been cast in. The following day we would do the scene, with me in the role of her dead husband. My uncle. When I was fifteen, I knew I shouldn’t want her, but I did, and I hated myself every goddamn time I gave into her. I had no control over my body back then and the wicked games we played went on for nearly two years. If she was kneeling when I came home, I knew she wanted to do the scene. I knew she wanted me to top her. Topping from the bottom was difficult at first, she had trained me to take commands, not give them. But I’ve always been a quick learner and after a while it was hard to tell who was master and who was submissive. Once I gained control, I never let it go.”
Olivia meets my gaze, staring into my eyes as if the secrets to the universe have been revealed to her.
“Then one day she was gone. After she left, I didn’t know how to interact with girls my own age. My needs had changed and the girls I knew weren’t into the lifestyle. I was alone for a long time. Then I found a place where I could be myself and not be judged.”
“The Asylum?” Olivia asks.
“No, it was a BDSM club in England.
Olivia reaches into her purse, pulling out a folded letter.
“I received this the day after you ended our relationship.”
At the time pushing her away seemed like a good idea. The weight of shame lowers my head, realizing I could have made a better choice. I could have been honest with her.
I take the letter; however, I don’t bother reading it. One quick look is enough to recognize Carina’s handwriting. She took what she wanted from me, conditioned my body to respond to her touch and her commands. I don’t need to read about it; I lived it.
“I hate that I enjoyed it. Dominating her, punishing her. So, when she punished me, I knew I deserved it.” My head bows in shame, knowing a small part of me liked giving up control, not having to worry about anything.
“It wasn’t enjoyment you felt. Your body responded to sexual stimulation and that’s something you have no control over and that’s totally different from consensual pleasure.”
“That need is still a part of me now. I can’t ignore who I am.”
“I will walk in the shadows with you Dorian. There’s nothing you can do or say that will scare me away.”
The conviction I hear in Olivia’s voice gives me hope. Crossing the room, I take a seat on the bed next to her, but I can’t bring myself to meet her gaze.
Demanding my attention Olivia presses her finger under my chin, lifting my head so that I’m facing her.
“I could give that to you if you chose it. If that’s what you need.”
I don’t have any amour against her. She’s what I’ve been waiting for. She’s what I need. But the fear of judgement drops my head once again.
“I didn’t want to like it, but I did.” I confess shamelessly.
“May I touch you?”
My words are barely audible when I whisper.
“Yes, please.”
Olivia cups my face with gentle hands, one on each cheek. When she leans in to kiss me, I give up control and give in to the sweet demands of her mouth. I don’t know how long after giving in to the pleasure of her kiss and the rough tug she gives my hair, but the voice in my head is practically begging to be punished for hurting her. When Olivia’s mouth releases mine a breathless moan escape.
“You were my first, it will always be special me, even if it meant...”
A kiss will always be the best way to shut her up. I claim her mouth, silencing the words I never want her to say. The gift she gave me means everything. Breaking the kiss, I set the record straight.
“I’m your last, Sunshine. You are mine. There will be no one else for you.”
“You still want us?”
“I’m broken Sunshine, but I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything.”
“I’ve haven’t had a boyfriend since high school. But I know I only want you.”
I cringe at the word boyfriend; the label seems juvenile to me; especially sense I was never anyone’s boyfriend.
“I’m not your boyfriend.” Olivia frowns and I clarify. “I’m your lover and your partner.”
Standing, I offer Olivia my hand. Lacing her fingers through mine, she stands beside me.
“Lets’ get out of here,” I suggest.
“Powder room first.” Olivia says, releasing my hand.
Waiting for Olivia to return from the powder room, I make a call to Winston Tillery. Winston has maintained my home for ten years. I can only imagine what he must be thinking, given my behavior over the past several weeks. Hopefully, my request will not send him into shock. Answering my call on the third ring, Winston’s voice is groggy with sleep. For a moment I feel a sting of guilt, waking him. A short conversation to relay my instructions, has me ending the call as Olivia steps out of the powder room.
My playroom has lost its appeal for now. I want to take Olivia home, make love to her until sunrise, then start all over again. I’ve missed her more than I ever thought possible. I know now that pushing her away was never the answer. If tearing down the walls I built to protect myself, means letting Olivia in, I’m ready to start building something new. Something better.