I WALKED DOWN THE HALLWAY AND OPENED the door to my room. I left the door ajar and sat at the edge of my bed. The stress of worrying if someone was going to find out my real feelings—not to mention my lies—was more than I could handle. That’s why you decided to tell Paige tomorrow instead of waiting till fall break, I reminded myself. Confiding in her would make me feel less alone and maybe Paige would have an idea to help me fix everything.
But I knew it wasn’t just up to Paige. I was going to have to think about my feelings for Eric and Jacob. I couldn’t deal with it now and I hadn’t been able to all summer, but I’d have to sooner or later.
I reached over to swipe the papaya Stila lip gloss that Callie had given me on my first date with Eric. I applied some gloss and when I looked up, Jacob was standing in the doorway.
“Jacob, if Livvie catches you in my room, she’s gonna freak. You need to go.”
Jacob shook his head. “I’ll go. But I want to talk to you first.”
He walked over and sat beside me on my bed. He stared at his hands for a long time before looking up at me. “I miss you, Sasha. I’ll tell you again that I made a huge mistake and I’m sorry. I wish you would have e-mailed me or something over the summer, but I get it why you didn’t. I ignored you for a long time after the Sweetheart Soirée.”
“Jacob—”
He stopped me with a raised hand. “I know you’re with another guy. I’m trying to respect that. But … I can’t stay away from you.”
“Do you realize what position you’ve put me in?” I asked. “I’ve had to keep this from Callie—it would kill her. I obviously couldn’t tell Eric. When you told me that you still liked me, it put a lot of pressure on me to keep that secret from everyone.”
Jacob lowered his head. “I know. I didn’t think about it before I said it. But I had to tell you. I couldn’t have spent all summer regretting that I didn’t.”
I rubbed my forehead with my hand. “I’m with Eric. He’s my boyfriend now. I like him, Jacob. A lot. And you’re with Callie. She’s so into you and I know you like her.”
Jacob’s green eyes settled on my face. “Admit that you still like me. Just tell me the truth. Please.”
Panic and guilt fluttered in my chest. We couldn’t be sitting in my room having this conversation.
“Jacob, no,” I said. “I can’t—”
Jacob leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine. I froze for a second, shocked, then put my hands on his chest and pushed him back.
Something moved in the doorway and I looked over.
Eric.
My hands were still on Jacob’s chest. I yanked them off and stood. “Eric,” I started. “I—”
The look on his face stopped me.
He didn’t look surprised. It was way worse than surprise—as if he’d expected it. Like he’d known it was coming all along.
“Why did I ever think it would happen any other way?” Eric’s voice was calm. “You were about to kiss him. Why stop now?”
He hadn’t seen the kiss! There was still a chance that I could explain this away somehow.
“Eric,” I said again. But he held up his hand and I saw the anger in his eyes.
He stared at me and his gaze almost made me sink back onto the bed.
“I knew this would happen,” Eric said. “I knew it, but I tried to convince myself that it was just me. That you really liked me. I can’t believe you, Sasha. I always knew you’d go back to him.”
Eric’s eyes shifted to Jacob. There was a quiet anger on his face. I knew not to say another word. Eric turned and walked away.
I couldn’t even breathe. I stood there, staring at the doorway wanting more than anything to run after him, but knowing it would only make things worse.
I turned to Jacob. “You ruined everything! My relationship with Eric is over.” I tried to keep from screaming at him.
“You were over a long time ago,” Jacob said. “You just won’t admit it.”
“So what do you want me to do?” My voice rose. “Admit that I’m confused about my feelings for you? Then what? You leave my best friend for me?”
Jacob got off the bed and stood in front of me. “Yes. We can have the chance we never got. I’ll find a way to break it off with Callie and we can start over.”
I put my head in my hands, then looked back up at him. “No. You can’t break up with her for me. She likes you so much. Our friendship would never recover if you did that.”
“I’d find a way that wouldn’t hurt her. And I’m not hearing you say you want to go back to Eric.”
I paused. He was right—I hadn’t said that.
“Because it’s not even a question,” I said. “I’ve hurt him enough. He’ll never take me back after this. If you care about me like you say you do, then you’ll stay with Callie and never tell her about this. Ever.”
Jacob shook his head. “I can’t do that. Sasha, how can I let you go again?”
I had to chew on the inside of my mouth to keep from crying. “I’m going back to my party,” I said. “Paige worked hard on it. No one’s going to know what just happened. Eric won’t tell anyone—he’d never risk my friendship with Callie, no matter how mad he is.”
Jacob dropped his head, then looked back at me. “You really want me to go back to Callie and pretend not to like you?”
“Yes. Or break up with her, if that’s what you really want, but not for me. I can’t be with you—not ever. Not after you’ve been Callie’s boyfriend. She’d never forgive me. And Eric was the perfect boyfriend. He didn’t deserve this.”
Jacob and I fell silent.
“Okay,” he said finally. “If that’s what you really want, if it means that much to you, I’ll do it. Just know that it’s you I’ll always be wishing for. I’ll never tell Callie—don’t ever worry about that. And never say a guy doesn’t deserve you, Sasha.”
I blinked back tears and walked around Jacob, leaving him behind.