Day one back on the job edged toward a close.
Ken sat across from Maggie Voorhees at a small conference table tucked into the far corner of his office. After straightening the pages of the most current edition of the budget and tucking them away inside a folder, Maggie leaned back in her chair. She struck Ken as being restless, tapping her pen on top of the legal pad upon which she had prioritized action items for the coming week.
Patiently he waited; he knew Maggie well enough to realize she’d express herself when she was ready.
“So, the word’s getting out,” she said at last.
Already starting to realign some financial allocations, Ken looked up from the spreadsheet he studied. “Hmm? Word?”
Maggie nodded, but chewed on the corner of her lip in a nervous habit of hers. It seemed she wanted very much to say something, but hesitated. Red flag number one lifted up and rippled. “Talk is going on about you. And Kiara.”
Hello, red flag number two. Ken nearly sighed, but didn’t. After all, gossip was a part of the human condition, and Woodland was far from exempt. “What about me and Kiara?”
“Well, the trip back was pretty illuminating, I have to say. Some of the kids from the youth group were talking in whispers during the trip home, and…”
The sentence trailed off, but Ken easily polished it off. Maggie and her husband had overheard. Amy, who had witnessed the kiss with Kiara, hadn’t been able to resist the siren call of informing her friends about what had happened in the woods. The intent wasn’t malicious or mean-spirited at all. Ken knew that without question. Still, Amy had figuratively spilled the beans about him and Kiara. From there, he felt sure a few friends had told a few more friends, until before long the eyes and ears of the Woodland Church community would rest upon their comings and goings—every look, touch, and communication.
Stemming from simple curiosity, the scrutiny would be harmless for the most part, but unnerving nonetheless.
Then, Maggie blew that piece of naïveté to bits. “Isn’t she a little…I don’t know…high-brow…for the kind of life you lead, Ken?”
“What?” Astounded by her unexpected and brazen comment, he could only stammer his way across the word.
“Look, don’t get me wrong, I adore Kiara—she’s been a God-send to Woodland, but she’s hardly a staid, calming influence. And she’s so different from Barb.”
“Yes, she is, but that fact has no bearing on anything. That’s not good or bad. A large part of what draws me to her is the fact that she’s lively. She has passion and drive. She’s spirited. She’s also—and I can say this with one hundred percent conviction after spending an entire week on mission with her—completely devoted to her relationship with Woodland, and with God. What more would a person need?”
“Ken, I don’t mean to offend. It’s just that I can’t see her settling for—” Maggie coughed quick and performed a fast edit of her words. “—settling into a life with a pastor. Honestly. Can you? I don’t want her to hurt you, and I don’t want her hurt either. It doesn’t quite gel for me.”
“Well fortunately, you’re not the one it needs to gel for. Furthermore, this discussion of my life, and Kiara’s, is now bordering on inappropriate.”
Her eyes went wide. “Funny. I thought I was talking to a friend right now. I thought I was talking to someone who’s been with me through good times and bad—and vice versa, for well over a decade now. I’m not talking to a pastor. I’m talking to the man I’ve known, who’s been a friend to me, ever since he walked in the door. We’ve always had each other’s backs.”
He nodded. “True. But never once have we tried to tell one another what was right or wrong in our lives.”
She regarded Ken in silence for a time, her lips a tight line. He could almost see the wheels turning—responses forming and vanishing. “Just be careful. Understandably, losing Barb put you in a spiral. In a completely different way, I worry that Kiara could do the very same thing.”
In a ruffled, hot silence, they turned to leave the conference table. Ken’s gaze traveled to the office doorway. That’s when he heard Maggie draw a sharp breath, and he nearly dropped his paper-stuffed file folder.
Kiara stood framed in the threshold, an envelope in hand. Her expression was smooth, but her eyes were veiled. How much had she heard? Ken’s chest felt constricted and his heart pounded.
“Ken, I have a delivery from Collin. Daveny gave it to me at work today. It’s for the council meeting next week.” She stepped inside as graceful as a movie star, gave him the envelope without missing a beat and even offered up a smile to Maggie. “How are you?”
“I’m good. Recovering, finally.” Maggie’s answer was friendly and warm, but she shuffled from foot to foot. All Ken wanted to do was fold Kiara into a tight hug. Other than slightly heightened skin, Kiara gave no indication whatsoever of having heard a word that had been exchanged.
Just looking at her, though, and knowing her the way he did, Ken didn’t doubt she had heard the conversation. And if she hadn’t heard all of it, she had heard more than enough to be upset—though in stalwart fashion, she hid that fact well. Ken realized he was probably one of the few who knew just how easily, and just how well, she could mask the hurt of being degraded.
“Returning to normal sleep patterns is a good thing, isn’t it?” Kiara remarked with an almost too-bright tone. “Well, I’ll see you both on Sunday. G’night, guys.”
Turning away, her body language typically graceful and smooth, she left, but her pace was a bit quicker than Ken would have expected under normal circumstances.
“Maggie, I’ll talk to you later.”
He moved in haste and didn’t stop until he caught up with Kiara. She had already made it to her car, and was currently wrestling with an un-giving door handle. He moved in fast behind her and slid his hands against hers until she went still. She didn’t look at him. He maneuvered her grasp away from the door handle and she froze in place. She squeezed her hands into fists.
“Come inside,” he beckoned quietly. “Talk to me.”
She did a good job of shrugging off his urging touch against her back, resuming her battle with a key fob that wouldn’t unlock her door, and a door handle that refused to open. He felt like saying, Kiara, sweetheart, take the hint.
This time he took hold of both her hands and turned her fully away from the car. “Please come back inside.”
“Don’t, Ken. Not right now.”
“Yes, now. Period. Come with me.”
On the way in, they crossed paths with Maggie who was just leaving. Maggie issued a quick goodnight, and scurried to her car. Kiara sighed. “It sure didn’t take long, now did it? I don’t know why I feel angry at Maggie. Her heart’s in the right place, even if her words stung. I have to give her snaps for being brave enough to say what everyone else is going to be thinking.”
Heat boiled through his blood. “Don’t do this Kiara. Don’t get all wrapped up in other people. That’s a pattern you need to break, isn’t it?” She turned her head and glared at him. Ken pressed on, undeterred. “It’s hard enough venturing into a new relationship under the best of circumstances, but…”
“But what?” Her barking retort, her blazing eyes left something inside him crumbling. Into those fissures and cracks came demons, lapping up his anxieties and doubts and fertilizing them deeply.
They finally reached the sanctuary of his office. Ken shut the door and turned, facing her eye to eye. This was a matter they needed to resolve. Now.
“How much did you overhear?”
She pretended to ponder for a moment, tilting her head and pursing her lips. “I believe it started with something to the effect of me being a bit…what was the phrase? High-brow to ever settle for a life with a pastor.”
With that, the worst-case scenario came to be. She had heard it all, a silent witness to someone knocking them down at a most fragile and vulnerable point in time.
He sighed heavily and sat on the front edge of his desk. He leaned forward, clasping his hands between his legs, inching as near to Kiara as he dared. She stood, stiff and apart from him, her arms folded protectively against her midsection.
He started to reach out, wanting to eliminate the distance between them, but she backed away a step. That riled his anger. “Kiara, do you think you’re the only one who suffers from self-doubts here?”
“What do you mean by that? Are you lending credence to what Maggie had to say?”
Ken blew out a breath. After that came a pounding, redolent silence. “The point can be made that, that you and I…that elements of, of…”
“Out with it,” she demanded. “Respect me enough to come clean. What’s at the bottom of this, Ken? Tell me.”
“OK.” He paused, and looked at her steadily. “First of all, realize something important. Maggie wasn’t criticizing you. She wasn’t judging you. She was looking at a mix. A mix of your life with mine. I admit it. I’ve asked myself lately, what do I bring to you? How does my world enhance yours? My life is modest. Simple. It’s fulfilling to me, it’s rewarding, and I treasure every moment of it, but I’m not meant to embrace the grand scale in ways that you have, in ways that you transformed yourself in order to find. How can I compete? How can I fulfill the part of your soul that longs for so much more than I can give?” This time he took hold of her hands and squeezed tight. “That’s not a criticism, by the way. It’s part of who you are. It’s beautiful. You’re beautiful. You’re charming, you sparkle and you possess such vitality. But will we be right? Would you be happy? The only life I know is that of a pastor. A missionary. Is that your calling? Is it what’s meant to be for you?”
By the end of Ken’s speech, her eyes had filled, sparkling with tears. Her hands went limp and lifeless in his. Then, tears fell, and he felt powerless to do anything but go silent, and stare. Meanwhile, she watched him right back.
He had hurt her. Badly. A blade slid neat and deep against his heart. She swiped away the moisture, murmuring, “I understand. I get it.” Her lips trembled. She firmed her jaw, but a pair of tears became a glimmering track against her fair, flawless skin. Kiara turned away by a fraction and pressed her fingertips against the bridge of her nose. “But I always thought actions spoke louder than words. I thought I had come so far, and shown you how much…”
At that point, her words ceased and she made a low, frustrated sound in her throat. When she looked into Ken’s eyes, her pain transformed the blade cut into sharp, sizzling heat.
“What you just said,” she whispered, “It confirms the worst fears I ever entertained about my feelings for you. And that rips my heart to pieces, Ken. I let myself believe. But I’ll tell you what else,” she continued, her voice now strong and steady despite the telling line of moisture shimmering on her cheeks. “I’ve grown. And I’ve changed.” Ken moved to automatically cut in and agree with her. She sliced that action short with an abrupt motion of her hand and plowed ahead. “When we were in Pennsylvania, you told me you have faith in me. You told me you believe in me. Well do you, or don’t you? You asked me to find out who I am. You urged me to become the best possible version of myself. Well that’s what I’ve done. That’s what I’m going to continue to do, no matter what. Not for you, not for me, but for the person I want to be before God. What you’re saying right now is hurtful. It cuts away at that foundation I’m building, but I won’t let it hurt me anymore. Maybe that’s something else I needed to learn—that I have to fight for what I want, and who I am, and who I want to be. Well, don’t ever get in the way of that again. I deserve better, and now I won’t accept anything less.” She straightened and looked at him with narrowed eyes. Strength of conviction rolled off her in waves, creating a God-made masterpiece, a formidable woman, inside and out. “Talk to me again once you’ve sorted that out.”
Chin up, her eyes now blinked clear, Kiara spun, striding out of his office before he could even begin to recover from the staggering blow of hurt he had unwittingly inflicted—on both of them.