So far we have been concerned with our appraisals of the outside world—past, present, or future. But hidden off to one side in the theater of the mind is yet another screen which, upon closer examination, proves to be a mirror. Much of our misery results from the way we view ourselves—particularly in the way we compare our performance against unattainable standards.
Whenever you attempt a task, you automatically create expectations about the outcome:
The degree of attachment to your envisioned outcome can vary. You might think, Well, who knows? Let’s just try it. Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. Or you might be firmly determined. Damn it, I need this presentation to go without a hitch.
If you are dedicated to the pursuit of misery, strive for perfection. If today you hit a new high-water mark, strive for more tomorrow. Believe that there is no such thing as “good enough” in any area of your life.
This way of thinking defines satisfaction—the emotional state associated with “enough” and “fine as it is”—as unattainable or, if attained, as the result of a delusion. The only way to relax when adopting this frame of mind is to be utterly flawless. Any deficiencies, any sloppiness, any errors are unacceptable.
Cheerful, unworried people (those whose mental state resembles that of a golden retriever) tend to split their expectations in two:
They reveal these twin achievement lines when they talk about their expectations. “I’m just hoping not to fall out of the boat and drown. But it would be fun to find out I’m great at this.” “It would be nice to ace this exam, but I’ll be happy just to pass it.” “I’d love to have Better Dogs and Hydrants feature my doghouse on the cover, but it will be enough if it just keeps rain off the dog.” Pitching their minimum expectations low, they are almost always relaxed and sanguine about their outcomes.
But this, clearly, is how to feel happier about one’s performance. To become more miserable, bring the two lines closer together. If possible, combine them into a single, all-but-impossible high bar over which you will seldom be able to jump. Regard anything less than perfection as humiliating and disastrous, reflecting badly on your worth as a human being. Scorn the idea of an easier bar over which you could certainly hop. Tell yourself that people who hold those kinds of standards are lazy, unambitious slobs who never get anywhere in life. Surely only those for whom nothing is good enough actually achieve anything.
This strategy enables you to feel badly about yourself regardless of your level of actual achievement. If you get 99 percent on the exam, you can torture yourself with the idiocy of the one mistake you made. You may prove stronger and faster than your kayaking instructor, but you can still feel humiliated by her superior form. No matter how good a weight lifter you are, there will always be a tonnage that is beyond you.
As usual, you have to ignore a few inconvenient facts to make this work:
You don’t have to be satisfied with disappointing yourself. The highest level of perfectionistic excellence is to imagine that everyone around you expects you to be perfect as well. This way of thinking is called “socially prescribed perfectionism,”6 and research shows that it is especially effective at leading to misery.
To engage in socially prescribed perfectionism, you could surround yourself with a cohort of the most exacting, judgmental people on the planet. This really isn’t necessary, however. Remember that your emotions are based on your beliefs about reality, not reality itself. So it’s enough just to assume that your friends and family hold these unreasonable standards, whatever their real opinions might be.
In this way, you can feel acutely self-conscious about everything you do and constantly see disgust and scorn in the eyes of others. Whenever you are out in public, you can feel that you are a humiliation and an embarrassment—not only to yourself, but also to your family, friends, and coworkers. When you are alone, you can avoid experiencing relief by telling yourself that it is only a matter of time before you have to sally forth into the outside world again. And then people will find out what you have been doing—and judge you for the unproductive, incompetent failure that you believe yourself to be.
Rely upon your ability to mind-read others. Don’t check out their opinions. No need for them to tell me, I know they wish I were better.
Of course they do. Be suspicious of any statements they make to the contrary. When they reassure you or look happy with your accomplishments, they are simply being polite.
Do not ask yourself whether your perceptions are coming, perhaps, from your own fears or insecurities, rather than from your flawless ability to tell what people are thinking. Suppress considerations of what you expect (or demand) of your peers and why you believe that everyone else expects so much more from you. Avoid wondering whether, if they did hold such unreasonable expectations, it might be best to ignore them anyway. This might weaken your resolve to keep attempting the unattainable.
You don’t want to be one of those cheerful golden retrievers, after all. You’re trying to build the doghouse, not live in it.