Mad science isn’t just messy. Mad science isn’t always pretty, either.
There’s nothing pretty about a hamburger that makes its own ketchup. Especially when you bite into it.
And nobody ever called Franny’s Totally Circular Wiener Dog pretty.
The word most people would use is “disturbing.”
Still, Mom liked the wiener dog better than when Franny invented a spray-on Halloween costume that made Franny completely break out in giant warts.
“It’s so much faster than putting on a costume,” Franny explained.
Mom had to admit that it was really fast, but when Franny decided she didn’t want to wash the warts off, her mom felt like she had to talk to her about it.
“You know why nobody ever wants to pet Igor, right?” her mom asked her, wiping off her warts.
Igor was Franny’s lab assistant. He wasn’t a pure Lab. He was also part poodle, part Chihuahua, part beagle, part spaniel, part shepherd, and part some kind of weaselly thing that wasn’t even exactly a dog.
“It’s because of the way Igor looks,” Mom continued.
“What’s wrong with how he looks?” Franny asked.
Mom stammered, “Well, he’s kind of . . . I mean . . . Igor’s not going to win any beauty contests, Franny.
“And wouldn’t you like it if he was, you know, a better-looking dog?”
Igor tried to look better looking.
Franny had never noticed anything wrong with Igor’s looks.
“Mom, Igor is beautiful! He doesn’t need to win any contests for me to see that. And look at his adorable puppy-dog eyes.” Franny giggled.
Franny held Igor up, and he fluttered his eyelashes at her mom.
“Okay, okay,” she said. “Put him down.
“Franny, all I’m trying to say is that maybe you might think it’s fun to dress up a little occasionally, or wear your hair different. You might like to be fancy sometimes.”
Mom draped a beautiful coat on Franny, and she looked in the mirror.
She started combing Franny’s hair and grabbed a can of hair spray.
“You know what hair spray does?” she said as she shook the can.
“It holds hair in place. I know, Mom, I just don’t—”
“Okay. We’ll skip the hair spray. But how about a blow-dryer: Do you know what this does?” her mom said.
“I’m guessing it does something to your hair?” Franny replied.
“Well, yes, but there’s a little more to it than that.”
“Thanks, Mom, but it just doesn’t feel like me,” Franny said, taking off the coat. “I don’t think I need to know anything about this stuff.”
“Okay, okay. That’s perfectly fine. Do what feels right, but know that you can always change your mind. You can explore different options whenever you want,” she said, and walked out of Franny’s laboratory.
“At least don’t spray the warts back on,” she called from the hallway.
“Does Mom want me to change?” she whispered.
“I wear my special lab suit to protect me from dangerous chemicals. I wear my hair in pigtails so it doesn’t get caught in machinery. I never wear nail polish because the pretty colors will just cause some creature in the lab to chew my fingers off.
“Cosmetics, hair stuff, fancy clothes. They aren’t for me, Igor. I just don’t understand them,” Franny said.
Lightning cracked outside.
“Wait a second,” Franny said. “Do you hear what I am saying?
“I understand electricity and dynamite and tarantulas and chemistry.”
Igor held up a recently modified teddy bear.
“Yes,” Franny agreed. “And surgically implanting a brain in a teddy bear. I understand that, too.”
The teddy bear smiled.
“But you know, Igor, science is also about exploring the things we don’t understand.
“It’s about reaching higher and exploring the unknown!
“Even if it’s the really super-weird stuff that moms like.
“Do you see what I mean? I can’t ignore something because I don’t understand it. Not understanding things is exactly what attracted me to science in the first place.”
Igor nodded.
“Mom’s products are super kooky, Igor, but c’mon—we love kooky stuff.”
Igor tried to smile and nod in agreement, but the truth was, he really didn’t like kooky stuff very much.
“Tomorrow we get as weird as Mom!” Franny yelled triumphantly.
