As we reached the top of the paternoster
I saw the red sign warning us to alight –
‘Don’t worry about that,’ said Berrigan,
As we lurched on, into the darkness.
When the lift reached the highest point of
Its trajectory, it began to go down once more,
And just as it did so a door appeared
Which I hadn’t noticed before. I’d scarcely
Had time to read the words NO ENTRY,
When Berrigan shoved me through it
Then jumped in behind,
As the paternoster continued its course:
The place we came to was strangely dark.
On the waterfront at Wivenhoe,
Just down from the Rose and Crown,
Lies a busy boatyard, where in winter
They boil the dark brown pitch to caulk their boats;
As they cannot sail, here, between pints, they toil:
Some build new boats, bending the planks into
Shape with steam, others repair old ones,
Plugging the broken boards
with fibreglass,
Some hammer at the prow, some at the stern,
Some make oars, some mend the sails.
Here, too, but heated by a thermoelectric
Ring, not a camping gas, a sticky brown soup
Boiled away in an industrial-sized vat,
All smeared round the rim with sticky residue.
I peered into it, but saw nothing there,
Only the huge bubbles, which rose and fell.
I was standing there, gazing fixedly into
The soup, when Berrigan shouted: ‘Watch out!’
Then pulled me to him from where I stood.
As I turned round, I saw behind us,
Cruising along the rim, a caterer,
Winged, dressed in black. He looked scary,
Like someone you wouldn’t want to mess with,
His wings outstretched as he skimmed over the broth.
‘Now you can see,’ said Berrigan, ‘the raw
Recruits for the new Catering College.’
On one of his hunched shoulders, this one carried
A young student from the summer school.
He shouted out from above the soup: ‘Hey!
Kitchen Devils! Here’s one of Saint Zita’s
Children, you know, the exchange students from Lucca,
You shove him under while I go back for more.
They really are a bunch of Mafiosi, this lot,
They’ll do anything for a backhander,
Except their tutor, Paolo, of course – he wouldn’t
Let me touch them until I offered him
Some free luncheon vouchers.’
He flung him in, then wheeled off over the soup;
I’ve never seen a police dog move so fast,
Not even to catch a G7 protester.
The student plunged in, head first,
Then rose to the surface, waving his arms about
As he tried to come up for air.
‘No backstroke allowed in this pool!’ cried one
Of the Kitchen Devils, ‘You’re not in the
Serchio now! Unless you want to feel
Our forks, I’d stay under the surface, mate!’
Then they all jabbed him with their prongs,
Like scullery boys poking the meat into
The pot to keep it near the flame.
Berrigan said: ‘You’d better keep a low profile
And let me do the talking, otherwise
They might want to throw you into the pot –
It’s a long time since they had fresh meat.’
He left me crouching behind a pile of old
Cookbooks, as he stepped forward to talk to them.
With all the noise and ferocity of guard dogs
Rushing out on an unsuspecting rambler,
The Kitchen Devils surrounded Berrigan,
Turning against him all their crooks.
But Berrigan stood his ground, and said:
‘Hold it right there, you’re wasting your time
If you think you’re going to hook me –
Who’s in charge here? Let me have a word with them.’
They all cried: ‘Jamie, he wants you!’
At which one stepped forward from their midst.
This one had no wings and wore a checked shirt,
Saying: ‘Sorry, guv’nor, but you’ve entered
A restricted area – only
Catering students are allowed down here.’
‘Look,’ said Berrigan, losing his patience,
‘Do you really think I’d have gotten this far
Without recommendation from the top? Our trip
Has approval from the Dean, from the VC,
And we have funding from the AHRC,
What more do you want?’
At this, all his bravado collapsed,
The ladle he carried, too, fell to his feet,
And he said to the others: ‘Hands off this one!’
Now, Berrigan called me from my
Hiding place, yet as I stepped towards him,
From the movements they made, and from the
Looks on their faces, I was worried they
Would break their pact. I was reminded of
A photograph I had seen of de Valera’s
Men on the day they surrendered,
And the worried looks on their faces
As they marched past the Brits.
I drew up near to Berrigan, my guide,
Keeping a close watch on the under-chefs.
They fingered their prongs, saying:
‘Shall I give him one up the arse?’
And ‘Why don’t we show him the carvery?’
But Jamie, who spoke with my guide, turned round
And said: ‘You lot, behave! Or you’re out of here!’
Then he turned to us, saying: ‘If you’re
Trying to find your way out of the kitchens
You’re heading the wrong way – the fire exit’s blocked.
If you want to get out you’ll need to walk round
This vat of soup and go through the café.
I’m sending a few of my apprentices that way
To deliver the new menus – they can show you
The way, they won’t mess you about again,
Not after what I’ve said to them.’
At that point Jamie began to call out
Orders: ‘Right – Wings, Hogswash, over here,
Itchy, Dogbreath, put those pans down, you’re
Going with them. Mothballs, you’re in charge,
Take them to the café, along with the menus,
And don’t get lost. Curly, Frosty, Windbutt,
Pisspants, Sniveller – take a box of menus each
And careful you don’t drop them in the soup!’
Worried, I turned to Berrigan, asking:
‘Can’t we go on our own? Surely you know
The way? Don’t you see how they’re grinding
Their teeth – I’m sure they’re up to something.’
But Berrigan brushed my worries aside,
Saying: ‘Let them grind away.
They’re just doing it to frighten the students
Cooking in the soup – it’s not our worry.’
As they started off round the broth, each one
Blew a raspberry, and Jamie signalled back in kind.