The “Des Fesses, Je Ne Parle Pas” School

One may argue that no, buttocks are not everything. Thus, the “Des Fesses, Je Ne Parle Pas” (in English, “Of the Buttocks, I Do Not Speak”) School. These poets celebrate other important areas in the American body politic—most notably the vagina and the breast.

Breast poems, unlike the more typical vagina poems, usually focus on a single concept: Size. (Of breasts.) Despite this single focus, the poems are marked by breathtaking creative variety. Clearly, one size does not fit all!

Robert Pattinson

b. 1986

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Actor Robert Pattinson reflects on his unique and metaphorical allergy, possibly a first in modern American poetry.

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Photo Shoots, Nude Women & Me

I really hate vaginas.

I’m allergic to vagina.

But I can’t say I had no idea, because it was a 12-hour shoot,

so you kind of get the picture that these women are going to stay naked after, like, five or six hours.

But I wasn’t exactly prepared.

I had no idea what to say to these girls.

Thank God I was hung over.

Drew Barrymore

b. 1975

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Actress Drew Barrymore comes to an intriguing conclusion regarding large breasts.

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Upon Pondering Breasts

When they’re huge,

you become very self-conscious . . .

I’ve learned something, though,

through my years of pondering and pontificating, and that is:

Men love them, and I love that.

Carmen Electra

b. 1972

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For those who are not blessed with Drew Barrymore–size mammaries, model/entertainer Carmen Electra reflects on artificial augmentation in this poem of nostalgia and memories of the way they were.

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From 32B to 36D

I had nice boobs before—

they were small but

nice . . . Of course

I could have them reduced.

But

then where would I be?

Cheryl Cole

b. 1983

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Is larger better? This important question is explored in this stark modern poem by pop singer Cheryl Cole.

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In an Ideal World

In an ideal world I’d have smaller boobs.

I’m a 32D

which is ridiculous for my size

and boobs are hard to dress.

I hate looking booby.

You can look

really cheap

very

quickly.

Kate Moss

b. 1974

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Model Kate Moss has grown breasts. She ponders their meaning in this lightly philosophical poetic reflection.

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Spring Awakening

I’ve just started wearing bras.

It’s a miracle.

Great timing for my lingerie collection.

I’ve just grown breasts.

I am a woman now.

It’s true.

Honestly, I’ve never worn a bra in my life.

Ever!

It’s so awful, even my friends are phoning me up and saying, “Are you pregnant?”

And I’m like, “No! I just put on a couple of pounds and they went in the right place.”

Isn’t that weird?

Now I can fill a B cup.

My boyfriend might not like them.

I’m a bit worried.

In the Style of . . . Emily Dickinson

Justin Bieber

b. 1994

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Youthful performer Justin Bieber tips his hat to the Belle of Amherst in this poem—expressing a somewhat conventional idea in a very unconventional, even idiosyncratic, way. The reader will not think of how a girl smells the same way again.

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The Biebs Hearts Emily Dickinson

Let’s be Real—the way

a girl smells

is Very Important—

to a Guy!