The Didactic School: Insights On A Variety Of Subjects By The Poet As Teacher
The Didactic Poet is Poet as Teacher. His or her work offers instruction on a wide range of subjects, from the practical to the philosophical, from the micro to the macro, from the prosaic to the sublime. The following works will at once entertain, elucidate, evoke, educate . . . and, more important, enlighten. And edify, too.
Tom Cruise
b. 1962
Who better to explain the vagaries of the complex medical science of psychiatry in verse than the triple threat of movie star-historian-scientist that is Tom Cruise? Note Cruise’s sly homage to Dante’s Inferno in this poem by addressing his words to “Matt”—who is, in effect, Virgil to Tom’s Dante . . . or is it vice versa? Has Cruise cleverly turned a tried-and-true medieval literary trope (that of inclusion of a literary überguide) on its ear?
An Exegesis on Psychiatry by an Historian of the Science
I’ve never agreed with psychiatry, ever.
Before I was a Scientologist I never agreed with psychiatry.
And when I started studying the history of psychiatry, I understood more and more
why I didn’t believe in psychology.
And as far as the Brooke Shields thing is, look.
You gotta understand,
I really care about Brooke Shields.
I—I think here’s a—a—a wonderful and talented woman.
And—I wanna see her do well.
And I know that— psychiatry is—is a pseudoscience.
Matt, you have to understand this.
Here we are today where I talk out against drugs and psychiatric abuses of electric-shocking people, okay, against their will,
of drugging children with them not knowing the effects of these drugs.
Do you know what Adderall is? Do you know Ritalin? Do you know now that Ritalin is a street drug? Do you understand that?
No.
You see.
Here’s the problem:
You don’t know the history of psychiatry.
I do.
All it does is mask the problem, Matt.
And if you understand the history of it, it masks the problem.
That’s what it does.
That’s all it does.
You’re not getting to the reason why.
There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance . . .
The thing that I’m saying about Brooke is that there’s misinformation, okay.
And she doesn’t understand the history of psychiatry.
She . . . she doesn’t understand in the same way that
you don’t understand it,
Matt.
Alex Rodriguez
b. 1975
Similarly, baseball star Alex Rodriguez turns his able pen to matters mental. A-Rod, however, prefers the simpler “jock” approach, utilizing a haiku-like style in contrast to Cruise’s more complex and intricate verse.
A Good Thing
Therapy can be
a good thing,
It can be
therapeutic.
Prince Philip
b. 1921
This, a sociological offering from an international traveler, is written in the form of an old Anglo-Saxon oral tradition—the “riddle” poem.
The Royal Gastronome
If it has got four legs
and it is not a chair,
if it has got two wings and it flies
but is not an aeroplane,
and if it swims
and is not a submarine,
the Cantonese will eat it.
Kanye West
b. 1977
Rapper Kanye West offers this for all those readers (and one can only assume there are many) who have wondered about combs. (Note: West is addressing the grooming tool, not his fellow rapper Sean “Puffy” “P. Diddy” “Diddy” “Puff Daddy” Combs.)
A Lyrical Examination of Combs
Combs have been on the scene ever since humans had hair on his head.
which is quite some time?
The date
perhaps
goes beyond the time of the Old Stone Age.
Man being man
and not a lion
would not be content to let his mane run wild and free.
So he had to find some ways to tame it.
First on the list of combing operations must have been
the use of fingers. So in a way
the fingers
are
the first combs
of history.
Today, combs are universal and no corner of the globe is without it.
Bristol Palin
b. 1990
In her “Thoughts,” Bristol Palin ably—and lyrically—demonstrates why she became an abstinence foundation’s spokesperson and an ambassador to American youth. One is urged to pay special attention to her use of “like” and “uh” as a means not only of underscoring her points but also of identifying with her youthful audience.
Thoughts on Abstinence from a $265,000 a Year Abstinence Advocate
I think abstinence is like, like the,
uh,
I don’t know how to put it, like, the main,
everyone should be abstinent
or whatever
but it’s not realistic at all.
Regardless of what I did personally,
I just think that abstinence is the only way that you can effectively,
uh,
foolproof way to prevent pregnancy . . .
I just wanna go out there and promote abstinence.
Ivana Trump
b. 1949
Here, Mrs. Donald Trump, or rather a former Mrs. Trump, lyrically explains her child-raising philosophy in this didactic masterpiece. Notice how the poet utilizes a powerful parallel construction to illumine the theme of childhood sports; i.e., some sports are “good,” some are “bad,” in terms of future earning power.*
My Recipe for Raising Kids
My recipe for raising kids:
I encourage my children to try new things.
As much as I tell them they can do anything,
I don’t want them to engage in pastimes that have no future.
The other day, Ivanka came to me and said
she wanted to enroll one afternoon in field hockey.
I said,
“Ivanka, that’s a boy’s sport. There’s no future in it for you.”
If Ivanka wanted to do karate, fine.
Field hockey she doesn’t need.
Golf, I think, is a perfect sport, but fencing? I’d say,
“Kid, don’t waste your time.”
Ice skating is great exercise and it’s social.
You won’t get many phone calls to play field hockey,
but ice skating you can do in New York
at the beautiful Wollman Rink in Central Park
which their father and I rebuilt during our marriage.
* Ed. note: The child in question, Ivanka, is now a multimillionaire.
Joseph “Big Joey” Massino
b. 1943
Mobster Big Joey uses a deceptively simple trope—the repetition of a phrase—to lead the reader into a “hands-on” learning experience.
The Meat in the Gravy
You never talk in a club,
you never talk in a car,
you never talk on a cell phone,
you never talk on a phone,
you never talk in your house.
You can’t be a father and a son in the same crew.
It don’t work . . .
You can’t be afraid to be [in] the top seat.
I wasn’t afraid . . .
If you need somebody to kill somebody,
you need workers
—it takes all kinds of meat to make a good sauce.
Coolio
b. 1963
“Bullshit!” rapper Coolio yells in answer to his own question. The reader will agree.
Technological Musings Involving Microbiotics
All this technology. You think it came from this planet? . . .
Bullshit!
I don’t think
men are that smart.
I think
it came from somewhere else . . .
Microbiotics,
computer science,
jet planes—
they came from a different planet.
Gordon Ramsay
b. 1966
With a twinkle in his eye and a puckish choice of words, chef Ramsay teaches us more than we ever knew about scallops and nonstick surfaces.
Teflon Nightmare
Missy!
If you sauté scallops
in a nonstick pan,
they won’t stick.
That’s why it’s called
fucking nonstick!
I don’t know what they call it in Texas,
sweetheart,
but fuck me!
Vincent “Vinny Gorgeous” Basciano
b. 1959
Mafia boss Vinny Gorgeous takes an unadorned straightforward approach in his “Being a Hoodlum.” Its simplicity, however, is somewhat misleading, as his subject matter (comparing hoodlums to businessmen) and conclusion are rather sophisticated.
Being a Hoodlum
If you’re a hoodlum,
Louie,
I can show you the right direction.
We can make money.
But if you’re a businessman,
I can’t show you how
to be a hoodlum.
You can teach a hoodlum how
to be a businessman,
but you can’t take a businessman and teach him how
to be a hoodlum.
It’s a lot easier to train a hoodlum.
Anthony Weiner
b. 1964
There are those who feel former U.S. Representative Anthony Weiner does not belong among the Didactic School’s members, chiefly because his work is addressed to a specific individual (a porn star) about a specific occasion (that of receiving sexually creative messages from him). We, however, feel that in spite of the specificity, the lesson is universal—at least for all congresspeople.
To a Lasciviously Sexted Porn Star: A Short Discourse on What to Say to the Press
The key is to have a short, thought-out statement
that tackles the top-line questions and then refer people back to it.
Have a couple of iterations of:
This is silly.
Like so many others, I follow Rep. Weiner on Twitter.
I don’t know him and have never met him.
He briefly followed me and sent me a dm saying thank you for the follow.
That’s it.
And then maybe insert
some y’alls
in there.
Miley Cyrus
b. 1992
Pop sensation Miley Cyrus proves she is also a poetic pundit in this simple yet punchy piece.
Osculatory Musings
If you look at the picture,
I’m turned away,
and he’s kissing me on the cheek.
It’s very hilarious to me that people say
“They’re making out.”
In making out, there’s
a tongue.
In the Style of . . . Walt Whitman
Sarah Palin
b. 1964
Sarah Palin fittingly evokes the great American poet Walt Whitman in this sprawling poetic paean to her sprawling home state. Her celebration of the hard “manly man” virtues found in the state would certainly have pleased Whitman, who was noted for the subtle homosexual undertones in his works.
If Walt Whitman Were a Woman from Wasilla, or O (Former) Governor! My (Former) Governor!
The rugged rugged hardy people that live up here and some of the most patriotic people whom you will ever know live here,
And one thing that you are known for is your steadfast support of our military community up here and I thank you for that
And thank you United States military for protecting the greatest nation on Earth.
Together we stand.
And getting up here I say it is the best road trip in America soaring through nature’s finest show. Denali, the great one, soaring under the midnight sun and then the extremes.
In the wintertime it’s the frozen road that is competing with the view of ice fogged frigid beauty, the cold though, doesn’t it split the Cheechakos from the Sourdoughs?
And then in the summertime such extreme summertime about a hundred and fifty degrees hotter than just some months ago, than just some months from now,
With fireweed blooming along the frost heaves and merciless rivers that are rushing and carving and reminding us that here,
Mother Nature wins.
It is as throughout all Alaska that big wild good life teeming along the road that is north to the future. That is what we get to see every day.
Now what the rest of America gets to see along with us is in this last frontier there is hope and opportunity and there is country pride.
And it is our men and women in uniform securing it, and we are facing tough challenges in America with some seeming to just be Hell bent maybe on tearing down our nation,
Perpetuating some pessimism, and suggesting American apologetics, suggesting perhaps that
Our best days were yesterdays . . .
And first, some straight talk for some, just some in the media because another right protected for all of us is freedom of the press,
and you all have such important jobs reporting facts and informing the electorate, and exerting power to influence.
You represent what could and should be a respected honest profession that could and should be the cornerstone of our democracy.
Democracy depends on you, and that is why, that’s why our troops are willing to die for you. So, how ’bout in honor of the American soldier,
Ya quit makin’ things up . . .
Let me tell you, Alaskans really need to stick together on this with new leadership in this area especially, encouraging new leadership.
Got to stiffen your spine to do what’s right for Alaska when the pressure mounts, because you’re going to see anti-hunting, anti-second-amendment circuses from Hollywood and here’s how they do it.
They use these delicate, tiny, very talented celebrity starlets, they use Alaska as a fundraising tool for their anti-second-amendment causes.
Stand strong, and remind them patriots will protect our guaranteed, individual right to bear arms, and by the way, Hollywood needs to know,
We eat, therefore we hunt.