The Kiddie School
A touch of whimsy, a dash of imagination, and a healthy dose of simpleminded thought—this is the recipe for a good children’s poem. Below are some masters of this art.
These, the Kiddie Poets, as they are sometimes called, are not kiddies themselves, yet for some reason they have the unique ability to directly connect with their juvenile audience.
Michael Scanlon
b. 1970
In rollicking list form, congressional aide and convicted lobbyist Michael Scanlon teaches children a valuable lesson on how to treat our enemies—advice that will last a lifetime.
Kick Him, Beat Him, Roll Him Up!
This whole thing about not kicking someone when they are down is b.s.
Not only do you kick him
—you kick him (until he passes out!)
—then beat him (over the head with a baseball bat!)
—then roll him up (in an old rug!)
—and throw him off a cliff into
the pounding surf below!
Nicole Kidman
b. 1967
Actress Nicole Kidman takes a cue (and an opening line) from the Robert Louis Stevenson classic “My Shadow” as she teaches children all about body acceptance. She boldly yet blithely accepts her own tragic physical flaw in this, one of her best whimsical poems.
My Tummy
I just have a little tummy . . .
I think I’ve always had a little tummy, though.
It runs in the family.
My sister does,
my mum does,
my grandmother did. . . .
We affectionately refer to it as
The “little tummy.”
Don King
b. 1931
Boxing promoter Don King riffs on yet another Robert Louis Stevenson poem, “The Swing,” as he uses his kinky curly hair as a metaphor for feeling special about oneself. A classic read-aloud poem, complete with fun sound effects.
My Hair Was Kinky Curly
My hair was kinky curly
like any other black man.
But when I came out of the penitentiary,
I had a rumbling in my head.
My hair began to pop up—
ping!
ping!
ping!
ping!
ping!
Each hair reaching for the heavens,
straight and strong,
pristine and pure.
It was something I had nothing to do with
other than being chosen as God’s child.
I don’t know how it happened—
all I know is I go in the shower,
and as soon as I get out of the shower—
boom!—
It pops right back up again!
Michael Savage
b. 1942
Talk show host and antigay activist Michael Savage teaches tolerance and explains that discriminating against others doesn’t mean one hates them. In fact, he explains to his youthful audience that . . .
Gays Are Good!
I’ve had gay friends
All my life.
Currently I don’t because
I don’t have a lot of friends to begin with.
But one of my best friends all through my children’s early childhood was
A Gay Man.
An old friend of ours who would come to the house, babysit.
We didn’t care!
My point is:
Many, many gay people are
Wonderful People!
Newt Gingrich
b. 1943
Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich teaches children how to count and tell calendrical time in this quaint poem explaining how when he said various things, he didn’t mean what he said. This poem also teaches tots how to prevaricate, a valuable lesson for budding politicians.
Let’s Count with Newt!
Well, let me say, first of all, nothing that I said in The New Yorker disagrees with things I said
as early as
December of ’03
when I talked about having gone off the cliff in Iraq,
things I said
all through ’04
in trying to get the Bush campaign team to shift . . .
to concerns I raised in
December of ’04,
January and February of ’05 . . .
I don’t see any other way to
read ’06
except it was a defeat.
Lady Gaga
b. 1986
Lady Gaga takes a simple concept—the color red—and teaches children that there’s more to it than meets the eye—quite a bit more!
So Many Ways to Think About Colors
If I decide to make a coat red in the show, it’s not just red. I think:
Is it communist red?
Is it cherry cordial?
Is it ruby red?
Or is it apple red?
Or the big balloon red?
I mean, there’s so many fucking different kinds of red!
Chuck Schumer
b. 1950
Almost every child has had an imaginary friend. Well, guess what! says Sen. Chuck Schumer . . .
I Have TWO Imaginary Friends
Biking through New York’s boroughs in 2005,
I thought about some old friends, Joe and Eileen Bailey.
Though they are imaginary,
I frequently talk to them.
Ralph Reed
b. 1961
How far can a boy go with his imagination? Let’s follow along with political strategist and former Christian Coalition head Ralph Reed as he reveals his inner G.I. Joe in this classic boy’s poem.
The Dangerous Poem for Boys
I want to be invisible.
I do guerilla warfare.
I paint my face and travel at night.
You don’t know it’s over until you’re in a body bag.
You don’t know until election night.