The Religious Poets
God stands with us all*, but perhaps more so with the Religious Poets, many of whom are billionaires or celebrities or former reality TV “stars.” God has blessed them, and they in turn pass on their blessings with their profound and hauntingly beautiful religious verse.
* Except atheists
Lloyd Blankfein
b. 1954
Like Francis of Assisi before him, Lloyd Blankfein, CEO of Goldman Sachs investment bank, is a devoted Man of God, and this, his gentle poetic explanation of his saintly role (and those of his brethren) in the outside world, is his best known “little flower.”
Trickling Down from God
We’re very important. We help companies to grow
by helping them to raise capital. Companies that
grow create wealth. This, in turn, allows people
to have jobs that create more growth
and more wealth. It’s a
virtuous cycle. We have
a social purpose. . .
. . . God’s work.
Donald Trump
b. 1946
Mogul Donald Trump shows us that there is much more to him than the secular, plutocratic side we often see. Particularly on holidays. And many Sundays.
I Always Go to Church Sometimes
I go as much as I can.
Always on Christmas.
Always on Easter.
Always when there’s a major occasion.
And during the Sundays.
I’m a Sunday church person.
I’ll go when I can.
Donald Trump
In the following, we learn that Trump is not only a church person. He also owns Bibles.
Bibles
I get sent Bibles by a lot of people.
Actually, we keep them at a certain place.
A very nice place.
But people send me Bibles.
(There’s no way I would ever throw anything, to do anything negative to a Bible, so what we do is we keep all of the Bibles.)
(Actually I store them and keep them and sometimes give them away to other people but I do get sent a lot of Bibles and I like that.)
I think that’s great.
Mary J. Blige
b. 1971
Singer Mary J. Blige offers a modern, urban take on the divine.
My God
My God is a God who wants me to have things.
He wants me to bling.
He wants me to be the hottest thing on the block.
I don’t know what kind of God the rest of y’all are serving,
but the God I serve says, “Mary,
you need to be the hottest thing this year,
and I’m gonna make sure you’re doing that.”
My God’s the bomb!
Heidi Montag
b. 1986
Reality star Heidi Montag uses allegory to draw the obvious parallels between her life (complete with sex tape) and Jesus.
Me and Jesus
There were rumors about a sex tape,
but I had nothing to do with that.
God knows the truth in all of this,
and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters.
Jesus was persecuted,
and I’m going to get persecuted,
ya know?
Mike Huckabee
b. 1955
Mike Huckabee, politician and talk show host, explores his unique and close, yet oxymoronically long distance, relationship with God.
While on the Phone with God
We know you don’t take sides in the election. But
if you did,
we kind of think you’d hang in there with us, Lord,
we really do.
Yes, sir.
We’ll pass those good words on.
I see.
You talked to the President, and
he talks to you anyway.
Michele Bachmann
b. 1956
Rep. Michele Bachmann similarly takes personal calls from God—and shares the result in this poem that focuses on God’s heretofore unexplored fascination with congressional politics.
When the Deity Calls
God then called me
to run for Congress . . .
In the midst of Him making this calling
sure,
what’s occurred in this particular race
is that this congressional seat . . .
has become one of the top three races in the country and
you may have seen now God has
(in His own will)
(and in His own plan)
has focused like a LASER BEAM after this scandal that came up about a week or so ago
He has focused like a laser beam with His reasoning on this race.
Jenny McCarthy
b. 1972
Actress Jenny McCarthy shares a fresh perspective on Jesus in her two-stanza poem and definitively answers the time-honored question “Is Jesus good date material?”
Two Deep Tweets or WWJD (Who Would Jesus Date?)
(1)
I’m looking at a picture of Jesus on the wall.
I would have totally dated Jesus.
Love that beard.
Too bad he’s dead.
(2)
OK, OK, my friends.
I know Jesus is not dead.
I’m saying that the fact his body has “risen from the dead”
makes him un-datable.
Eva Mendes
b. 1974
Speaking of dating Jesus, actress Eve Mendes describes breaking up with Him.
Almost a Bride of Christ, but Not Quite (for a Really Good Reason)
I did—until my sister told me,
“You know, Eva, nuns don’t get paid.”
And I said, “Forget it!”
I’ve always wanted a better life, financially.
Silvio Berlusconi
b. 1936
Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Belusconi has his own reasons, here poetically expressed, for not following the religious path.
Arrivederci Jesus!
I’m no saint.
By now you’ve figured that out.
. . . There are a lot of nice-looking girls around.