The Self-Examination School
Ancient Greek philosopher Socrates said that the unexamined life is not worth living. He was examining, of course, the great themes of one’s life—morality, purpose, and meaning. But the modern Self-Examination poets (also known informally as the Speculum poets) go much further: Like stalwart space cadets, they boldly go where no poet has gone before.
Victoria Beckham
b. 1974
What does Victoria Beckham eat? Many have, of course, pondered this. Here, finally, the answer.
The Truth Shall Set Me Free
I’m not going to lie—
I’m not one of those people
that says, “Oh, I eat hamburgers.”
I eat salad.
Naomi Campbell
b. 1970
Sometimes the Self-Examination poet, in examining his or her own proclivities, asks the probing questions many of us are too frightened or existentially insecure to ask. This is the case in the following poem by top model Naomi Campbell.
Well, Huh?
I don’t always wear underwear.
When I’m in the heat, especially,
I can’t wear it.
Like, if I’m wearing a flowing dress,
Why do I have to wear underwear?
Rachel Bilson
b. 1981
Actress Rachel Bilson answers the “underwear question” differently.
My Memory Is Good
I’ve seen what the paparazzi can do
to someone if she’s careless
about how she gets out of a car
and if she forgot her underwear.
Fortunately, I’m not one to forget about underwear.
Ever.
Kendra Wilkinson
b. 1985
“Glamour” model Kendra Wilkinson is perhaps best known for taking off her clothes. In this poem, she “takes off her clothes” metaphorically—baring her innermost and deepest feelings for the reader.
Girl Next Door
I was just a normal girl living a normal life in San Diego, California
with my boyfriend who I was going to eventually marry,
Of course we had sex like every couple does
and every now and then we would videotape it.
There’s a lot of couples who do that.
At that time I wasn’t a celebrity.
I didn’t even know
I was going to become a celebrity.
Clarence Thomas
b. 1948
Clarence Thomas digs deep in this little gem, explaining why it is so fitting that he became a Supreme Court Justice.
My Life in Robes
I really don’t want to be a judge.
I don’t want to be judged.
I don’t like judging other people.
In the Style of . . . T.S. Eliot
Vinny from Jersey Shore
b. 1988
T. S. Eliot’s “Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” inspired Vinny to climb similar poetic heights. Rather than asking if he dares to eat the figurative peach, Vinny, in effect, asks if he dares eat the literal peach in his “should I or shouldn’t I” poem about male-female relationships.
In the Vein of J. Alfred Prufrock
Do I dare write about it?
Do I venture into the cerebral territory where so many men have gone but failed? . . .
A big part of why men are not condemned as much as females for being conspicuous is that a vagina is higher maintenance than a penis . . .
She is carrying gold and he is carrying silver.
. . . Porn stars are a fine example of this system.
They are considered sluts but technically they are selling their gold every day.
. . . So although she is getting pounded on camera,
technically she is being rewarded for the goods that she possesses.