The Surrealists

The Surrealists challenge the reader’s world view with an off-kilter, even warped, reality of their own. What is real and what is unreal? they ask. The reader will ask the same question.

Lady Gaga

b. 1986

---

Singer Lady Gaga has a mole. As with everything else about her life, she tells us about it. But there’s a twist . . .

---

The Dark Side of the Mole

My mole is on the other side of face.

My fake mole,

it’s not fake

it’s surreal.

It’s a surrealist mole.

Lady Gaga

---

Lady Gaga also has a vagina. And again, she is telling us about it. And again, there is a surrealistic twist . . .

---

Excessively Surrealist Thoughts from a Surrealistic (If I Say So Myself) Artist (If I Say So Myself)

I have this weird thing

that if I sleep with someone

they’re going to take my creativity

through my vagina.

Joaquin Phoenix

b. 1974

---

Actor Joaquin Phoenix’s “Frog Poem” is not so much about frogs as about actor Joaquin Phoenix. An added surrealistic layer: To whom is Joaquin addressing his question? And, furthermore, does it really matter?

---

Frog Poem

Do I have a large frog in my hair?

Something’s crawling out of my scalp . . .

I feel it.

I’m not worried about the looks.

I’m worried about the sensation of my brain being eaten . . .

What did you ask me?

Glenn Beck

b. 1964

---

Pundit Glenn Beck is the undeniable master of the eerie surrealistic poem. The Ken poems here are vintage Beck—we read them with increasing unease and rising horror. Who is this mysterious Ken, we first wonder. Then “Who is the man behind the poem?” In both cases, we say—it’s Beck, all Beck. Two as one, a multiplicity as one.

---

The Ken Poems

I.

Oh my gosh.

Ken,

I’ve gotta tell you something. I,

I,

I,

uh,

want someone.

I’m not an investigator,

I’m not an investigative reporter.

I’m not somebody who is, you know, on the bandwagon

on cause after cause after cause.

Even though it feels like it lately,

I’m not that guy.

II.

I gotta tell you, Ken,

I,

uh,

you sound like a credible guy but

this, I feel like I’m in the same nightmare with ya.

I can’t believe this story is true.

I ca . . .

I,

I

don’t . . .

if this is happening again inside of my country except the wishes are known and the person

is not in a persistent vegetative state,

is not in a coma,

if this person

is being killed,

quote, because

she has

glaucoma, and because

she’s old, and

it’s time to go to Jesus?

I’ve woken up in a parallel universe.

III.

All right. Ken,

we’re going to

follow this story.

Um,

I want ya to,

I want you to

hold on just a second

because I want to make sure we have

all of your information.

We tried to get a hold of, the

uh, the

granddaughter. But,

do uh,

do you

have another way of getting a hold of her?

She’s, uh—

Her phone is not working.