The Unrestrained School
Some poets are unafraid of how they sound to their readers. Unfettered by the bounds of usual self-restraint, they throw it all out there, so to speak, not thinking of how others might react or of what emotions their words may evoke.
These Unrestrained Poems are characterized by excessive or coy verbosity, insensitivity, or yes, pomposity that is transmogrified into great poetry.
For all these reasons, these controversial poets are often referred to as “The Twits.”
Russell Brand
b. 1975
With lush prolix words and arcane allusions, actor Russell Brand proves that a self-identified intellectual can ably be a Twit.
Perhaps I Should Stop Sounding So Twee and Put a Sock in It
I’m very confident in the physical manifestation of a rocker.
And there are aphorisms I still deem tight:
The carnal self is the true self.
In that barbaric, marauding period of promiscuity, there was
a type of Aleister Crowley
“Do what thou wilt” as the sum of the law.
That voice you use when you come? I was using it to perform.
Not some distant, attic-dwelling emotion brought out occasionally,
like a front room you never use except when the vicar visits.
I was in there fucking all the time.
Madonna
b. 1958
Madonna takes an unusual tack in her poem. She opens with a confessional tone, then ends with an acknowledgment, even acceptance, of those beneath her. The reader cannot help but be moved.
Housekeeping
I had to clean houses
—it was gross.
I had to clean the toilet bowls
of boys I went to school with.
No, there’s nothing more degrading
than being someone’s housekeeper. I mean,
God bless my housekeeper and . . .
well . . .
ALL my housekeepers!
Eva Longoria
b. 1975
In her short piece, actress Eva Longoria brilliantly manages to convey the agony of being a size 1 (smaller than 99.9% of the female population) while successfully alienating any woman of a certain size (i.e., 99.9% of the female population).
How Fat I Am
I’m not pregnant.
I’m just fat.
I gained 5 pounds over the summer
so instead of a size zero,
I’m a size
ONE.
Lady Gaga
b. 1986
Singer Lady Gaga takes us where we may or may not want to go—back to her vagina, as is so often the case.
Should I Shut Up Yet?
I had all these number-one records,
and I had sold all these albums,
and it was sort of this turning point:
Am I going to try and embrace Hollywood and assimilate to that culture?
I put my toe in that water,
and it was a Kegel-exercise vaginal reaction where
I clenched and had to retract immediately . . .
Ke$ha
b. 1987
Singer Ke$ha—notable for cleverly using a dollar sign in her name rather than an s to show how rebellious she is—also shows how puckish her sense of humor is in the following.
The Christmas Spirit
Sometimes I’ll walk my dogs
and fill bags full of massive dog shit.
Then I’ll wrap them as Christmas presents
and give them to people.
Nicolas Cage
b. 1964
The Twit School sometimes overlaps with the Self-Examination School, but with one very specific difference: A poem examining oneself written by a poet in the Twit School—such as the following by actor Nicolas Cage—is not truly concerned with uncovering self-truths as much as it is about presenting oneself in a particular light (i.e., twittishly). Mr. Cage surely succeeds.
Cleverly About Me
I am not a demon.
I am a lizard,
a shark,
a heat-seeking panther.
I want to be Bob Denver on acid
playing the accordion.
Gerard Butler
b. 1969
Did you ever sit next to someone in a bar who wouldn’t stop talking about his love life while downing drink after drink? Actor Gerard Butler vividly evokes this—and we are the better for it.
Women I Want Some of the Time
Sometimes along the way in my life
I don’t want a smart woman right now, I want a dumb woman.
But then you think, that doesn’t work, now I want a smart woman. Then
you get a smart woman and you go no,
that doesn’t work
so it’s just killing me right now.