The Word Play School
The Word Play School is concerned less with topic and more with mechanics. Metaphors, similes, outrageous imagery—they’re all here. Prepare to be dazzled by their literary pyrotechnics.
Charlie Sheen
b. 1965
Some critics place actor Charlie Sheen’s “Gnarly Gnarlingtons” in the Psychological (P)School due to its subject matter (particularly the “Vatican assassin” delusion). But most agree that its sense of fun and, of course, word invention places it squarely in the Word Play School. Let the reader be the judge.
Gnarly Gnarlingtons, Assassin Warlocks, and Me
I’m not fair game.
I’m not a soft target.
It’s over.
There’s a new sheriff in town, and he has an army of assassins. Oh, we must speak of the Vatican assassins. Yes!
We work for the Pope.
We murder people.
We’re Vatican assassins.
How complicated can it be?
What they’re not ready for is guys like you and I, Nails,
and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life . . .
that we are high priests . . .
Vatican assassin warlocks.
Boom.
Print that, people.
See where that goes.
Jordin Sparks
b. 1989
Singer Jordin Sparks invites the reader to explore his or her imagination. “Who knows?” can be the only answer to her conundrum of a question.
Who Knows?
I don’t know why but
my bathing suit reminds me
of Fruity Pebbles.
Real Househusband of New Jersey
Joe Gorga
b. 1974
A brilliantly simple metaphor is at the heart of Real Housewives of New Jersey husband Joe Gorga’s Word Play poem—which climaxes in a strangely flaccid final line.
The Male Orgasm: A Poetic and Scientific Analysis
You know,
you have this big white zit
and you finally pop it,
and it shoots across the room?
That’s all this testosterone
building up.
David Wu
b. 1955
For a unique congressional twist on metaphor usage, one can find no better practitioner than Rep. David Wu. Note his elegant and seamless movement from “there aren’t Vulcans” to “there are Klingons to “there are faux Klingons.”
When Metaphors Attack
This president has listened to some people,
the so-called Vulcans in the White House, the ideologues.
But you know, unlike the Vulcans of Star Trek
who made the decisions based on logic and fact,
these guys make it on ideology.
These aren’t Vulcans.
There are Klingons in the White House.
But unlike the real Klingons of Star Trek,
these Klingons have never fought a battle of their own.
Don’t let faux Klingons send real Americans to war.
John Mayer
b. 1977
“My [REDACTED]” is, yes, about singer John Mayer’s penis, but it is also much more. His sly comparisons underscore not only the state of male-female relationships in today’s world but also—in just five lines—touch on excessive consumerism, civil rights, and, of course, the sense of anomie pervading modern life.
My [REDACTED]: An Appreciation
My [REDACTED]*
is sort of like a white supremacist.
I’ve got a Benetton heart
and a fuckin’ David Duke [REDACTED]†.
I’m going to start dating separately from my [REDACTED]‡
In the Style of . . . Allen Ginsberg
Rush Limbaugh
b. 1951
As Beat poet Allen Ginsberg vigorously and harshly attacked the twin evils he saw besetting youth in America (capitalism and conformity), so radio host Rush Limbaugh takes on the evils of the 21st century (socialism and classical studies) in this savage howl seemingly ripped from his rotund body.
Rushbo’s Howl: I Have Seen the Best Minds of My Generation
I have detected here what’s really going on with all this and how these sad-sack students are just a bunch of dupes and in fact useful idiots. . . .
Now, do you think somebody going to college, borrowing whatever it is in this case, $20,000 a year, to get a degree in Classical Studies ought to be told by somebody at a school that it’s a worthless degree?
So here you have Miss Brain-dead freshly out of college with her Classical Studies degree who thinks that she wants to go classically study and that people also want to study classics studiously and classically, and she’s going to be very hirable, very marketable and so forth.
Gets out in the real world and finds her only chance is Occupy Wall Street and to write a note for a TV camera about how worthless her degree is.
Well, that’s what she does here. Her job prospects, zero. Yeah, they are, and they have been since you declared that major, and somebody shoulda told you that from the moment you declared the major in Classical Studies.
Tell me, any of you at random listening all across the fruited plain, what the hell is Classical Studies? What classics are studied?
Or, is it learning how to study in a classical way? Or is it learning how to study in a classy as opposed to unclassy way? And what about unClassical Studies?
Why does nobody care about the unclassics? What are the classics? And how are the classics studied?
Oh, cause you’re gonna become an expert in Dickens? You’re assuming it’s literature. See, you’re assuming we’re talking classical literature here.
What if it’s classical women’s studies? What if it’s classical feminism? Who the hell knows what it is?
. . . Be very careful. If you go to college, do not do Classical Studies. What the hell is it anyway?
. . . Karl Marx was a Classical Studies scholar.