Emilia woke up with a painfully stiff neck. The pain was quickly forgotten when she realised they had fallen asleep on the sofa again. This time, she was leaning against the arm of the sofa, and Amber was curled up against her chest.
Pain in the neck aside… it felt heavenly.
The urge to wrap her arms around Amber and apply soft kisses to her hair was strong, but she held back. Amber wasn’t ready. Perhaps neither of them was.
After the library reading the night before, Emilia had done a lot of soul-searching and realised a few things about herself and about the Lund collection. First, she was a lot braver than she thought she was. Secondly, the world hadn’t ended when she pushed herself outside of her comfort zone. And, thirdly, the Lund collection was stuck in the past and would continue to diminish if she didn’t take action.
The thought of her grandmother’s legacy withering to nothing under her watch was horrifying. Her fear of ruining the books had come true but only through her lack of momentum. Not doing anything was having the same effect as potentially doing the wrong thing, something she never would have realised unless she was pushed out of her shell.
She hadn’t asked Amber to be her agent simply because she was the only person she knew who could do such a thing. Nor had she asked her to further trap them together in the vague hope of friendship. She’d asked Amber because she knew she was the right person for the job. She understood the market, and they were close enough now that they could discuss, and even disagree, on matters.
Buoyed by her sudden bravery, and the feeling of Amber in her arms, her perfume in the air… she’d taken a leap and kissed her. A huge mistake. The rebuff had stung. She’d run from the situation and wondered if she had ruined everything. Would Amber want to work for someone who kissed her out of the blue? Could it be construed as harassment?
Last night her midday flight had seemed like a lifetime away, and now she wished it would never come. She was existing in a grey area between wanting to be home and wanting to be with Amber.
But she understood that Amber needed time.
Emilia was ready to dive into whatever Amber would offer her, friendship or more. She felt starved of social interaction and was willing to be whatever Amber wanted her to be.
However, she also knew that Amber had experienced a huge amount of turmoil and stress in the last few days and was busy processing what it all meant. It was up to Emilia to give her the time and space she needed, even if it was the last thing she wanted to do.
Amber woke up and quickly moved herself away from Emilia.
“Sorry,” she mumbled.
“No problem,” Emilia replied.
She wanted to say more, but she didn’t know what that would be.
She was struck by how complicated social interaction could be. Spending all those years alone in her farmhouse suddenly made a lot of sense. She rarely had moments where she didn’t know what to say, mainly because there was hardly ever anyone to speak to.
Amber got up and said she was going to use the bathroom to get ready. Emilia nodded, stayed on the sofa, and watched her depart. She wished things could be easier, or that she could order a manual that would tell her exactly what to say and when.
She supposed things would work themselves out in the end, but she didn’t like the present uncertainty. She’d finally understood her attraction to Amber, and now she never wanted to let her go.
She took a deep breath, shrugging off the thought. It wasn’t for her to make demands on Amber and her feelings. The guilt of her dragging Amber to Sweden under false pretences sat on her chest like a heavy stone. She’d never make that mistake again. Now she would give Amber the time and space she needed and hope that eventually she would come to her of her own accord.
All too soon, they were on the way to the airport. Amber had insisted on accompanying Emilia to Heathrow, something which Emilia was very grateful for. She didn’t wish for another awkward taxi journey.
The morning had been quiet, each slightly embarrassed about their second evening of falling asleep on the sofa and waking up in an embrace.
Despite Amber’s reassurances that they would talk later—nothing was said.
Emilia wanted to talk about and ignore the upcoming conversation in equal measure. She wondered if Amber had only said that she’d enjoyed the kiss to let her down gently. Perhaps she was eager to get the unstable woman out of her apartment and her life.
The very thought caused a pain in Emilia’s chest.
“Which terminal are you leaving from?” Amber asked.
Emilia turned to look at her in confusion. She realised that Amber wouldn’t be able to see her expression as she was too busy driving.
“Sorry?”
“Your terminal, there are five of them,” Amber added.
“I don’t know. I fly with Scandinavian Airlines.”
“Probably Terminal Three, then,” Amber decided.
Emilia didn’t have a clue. She wondered if she would have ever managed to get home without Amber’s help. The thought niggled at her. Not the part about needing Amber’s help, she wasn’t above admitting when she needed assistance, but she did find it frustrating that she didn’t know things that were probably obvious to others.
She knew she lived in her own world, one which was safely carved out of all the things she loved and that made her feel safe. Deep down, though, she knew it was unhealthy for her. It had only been a handful of years, and already she couldn’t recognise the world around her.
And her solitary lifestyle had damaged her grandmother’s legacy. She was working to fix it but wondered if it was too late.
She licked her lips and turned to look at Amber again. She had to tell her, had to explain. It was the first time she had ever had to put it into words, but if she didn’t then she felt she would break apart. It was bubbling within her and about to burst out.
“My grandmother died when I was eleven,” Emilia said. “The next year, my father was diagnosed with cancer. It didn’t take long to claim him, and soon after that, my mother passed away. She couldn’t cope with so much loss so quickly. I was raised by my grandfather, but he was… cold and didn’t know anything about children. He tried his best. Then, when I finished school, he was old and needed me to help care for him. After he died, I just stopped leaving the house. Well, I think I stopped living.”
It felt good to get it out. To finally lift the weight off her shoulders and share it with someone else, even if she now felt guilty about putting that weight onto Amber’s shoulders.
“You don’t need to say anything,” Emilia added quickly. “I just… wanted to let you know. In fact, I’d rather you didn’t say anything. I don’t know if I’m ready to talk about it further.”
Amber took one hand from the steering wheel and placed it on Emilia’s own which rested on her leg.
“Whenever you are ready, I’ll be there for you. That’s what friends are for.”
Emilia turned her hand over and gently squeezed Amber’s.
Even if Amber wanted nothing more than friendship and a working relationship, that would be enough. Amber wasn’t just a new friend. She was the start of a new life. Emilia was determined to start to move out of her comfort zone and into the real world.
Even if the thought terrified her.