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Michael stepped out of the mother’s room on the side of the altar, closing the door behind him. It was empty and secure. He glanced around the cavernous church and shook his head. There was just too much real estate. There was no way he could secure every alcove and entryway.
Blake emerged from the side antechamber where Michael had entered the day before and gave him a thumbs up from across the church. Michael nodded and turned to walk up the right side of the church toward another antechamber.
When he arrived this morning, Blake was outside on his cell phone, talking to his boss. After he hung up, Michael enlisted his aid to help him secure the church. At first Blake thought he was crazy. The funeral would be attended by a hundred Federal agents, all carrying side arms. What could possibly happen? It took some fast talking, but Michael managed to convince him by virtue of one word: Viper.
Now he suppressed a sigh, and stepped into the right antechamber, looking around. A door led outside here, as it did on the other side, and he opened it to glance outside. A set of cement steps led to the alley running between the church and school. Michael closed the door again and turned to go back into the sanctuary.
He didn’t really know what he expected to accomplish, but Michael knew he had to keep Viper safe or Damon would have his head. Turning right, he continued down the side aisle towards the back of the church. He had the added complication of keeping Angela safe as well, or Viper would have his head on a platter. Michael shook his head. Either way, he would not win if something happened here today.
“Michael!”
Angela hailed him from the center aisle towards the front. He paused and she hurried up the aisle, crossing over to the right at the middle of the church where the front and back sections of the sanctuary were separated by a cross aisle. Her heels clicked on the marble floor.
“I thought you were with Stephanie and Joanne?” he asked, his voice echoing off the empty pews and marble columns.
“I was,” she said breathlessly, joining him. “The hearse just arrived. Have you heard anything from Alina?”
Michael shook his head.
“No.”
“Where is she?” she wondered, wringing her hands together. “She said she’d be right behind us. That was an hour ago!”
“She’ll be here,” he assured her. “Stop worrying.”
“Easy for you to say,” she muttered, turning away. “You don’t have to listen to Stephanie threatening to break her legs if she doesn’t show up.”
“Why on earth wouldn’t she show up?” he demanded, exasperated. “I don’t understand why you two are freaking out so much. She’ll be here.”
His phone started ringing and he pulled it out of his inside jacket pocket, turning to stride toward the double doors at the back of the church.
“Don’t forget to mute that!” Angela called after him. “Joanne will have a fit if it rings during mass!”
Michael waved his hand at her as he pressed on the heavy door nearest to him, stepping out into the vestibule.
“Hello?”
“And how’s my favorite grunt doing this morning?” Damon asked cheerfully. “All pressed, dressed, and ready for a funeral?”
“Just about,” said Michael, crossing the vestibule and stepping outside onto the front steps of the church. “I’m at the church now. How’s the recovery coming? Will you be joining us anytime soon?”
“It almost sounds like you miss me. Are things that dull up there?”
“Hardly.” Michael glanced at his watch. “I’ve got my hands full.”
“I heard Angela moved in,” Damon said, his voice sobering. “Anything new on that front?”
“Plenty, but there’s not enough time to fill you in. I want to finish securing the church as best as I can before people start arriving.”
“Is there anything I should know about?”
Michael sighed and ran a hand over his short hair.
“Someone breached the security perimeter last night,” he said reluctantly. “Alina went out there but Raven beat her to the punch, literally.”
There was a short silence.
“Raven?” Damon sounded like he was trying not to laugh. “Oh, that’s great!”
Michael felt his lips pulling into a grin despite himself.
“It was...interesting, to say the least.”
“And the victim?”
“Got away.”
Another silence ensued.
“Never a dull moment,” Damon said finally, no trace of amusement remaining in his voice. “Anything else?”
“Not yet.”
“Well keep me posted. Is she there?”
“She’s on her way,” Michael said, glancing at his watch again. “At least, that’s what she said an hour ago.”
“Do me a favor, gunny? If she shows up looking like a Kardashian, take a picture. I want to see it for myself.”
Michael choked.
“What?!”
But he was speaking to dead air. Damon had already disconnected.
Alina stood in the side antechamber, scanning the crowded church. She’d slipped in through the side door facing the school, avoiding the line stretching out the front doors of the church. Her plan was to arrive at the last moment, and leave at the first opportunity once the mass was over. In doing so, she hoped to present the smallest possible window to anyone watching for Viper to make an appearance. There was no sense in making her situation any worse than necessary. If it wasn’t for the fact Stephanie and Angie would both kill her if she didn’t come, Alina wasn’t sure she would have taken the risk. John was dead. He neither knew nor cared who showed up to his funeral.
Her dark eyes slid over the crowd slowly from her spot behind a column. Some of the faces she recognized from days long past, others she didn’t know. Most were FBI or local law enforcement, a testament to John’s popularity and standing in the community. Viper’s lips tightened briefly. There were a lot of guns in this church. That shouldn’t be a problem, but she couldn’t help but reflect that it made it more complicated for her own security. More guns logically meant more opportunities for an assassin to shoot a target, and unfortunately, she was a potential target. After a moment of brooding, Viper set the thought aside. No point in creating a situation where there was none.
She turned her eyes to the front of the church, and the open casket placed before the steps leading to the altar. The line of mourners entered from the doors at the back of the church and filed down the far side of the church to the front, crossing in front of the pews to view John, then proceeding to their seats up the center aisle. On this side of the church, the front pew was reserved for the family. Alina could see Bill and Joanne, seated on the end next to the center aisle, with an aging couple next to them. The rest of the pew was obscured from her line of sight, but Alina assumed that Stephanie and Angela were in that pew, or the one behind. Joanne wouldn’t have let them go far. She would have seated them with the family.
Alina hesitated to emerge from her protected spot in the alcove. John’s aunt and uncle would be there, and his cousin Brett, if he was still alive and sober. What was left of the family nucleus was in the front of the church, and Alina was reluctant to join them. Somehow, it made it all so final. Someone coughed loudly, the sound echoing around the cavernous sanctuary and drawing Alina from her thoughts. It was time. She had to go join the others before Angie blew up her phone again.
With one last, searching glance around the filled church, Viper moved out of the alcove and headed down the side toward the front left of the altar. As she drew closer, she saw that John’s aunt and uncle were indeed in the first pew, minus their son. Stephanie was also in the front pew with Angela beside her. Michael and Blake were sitting directly behind them, along with several other men in dark suits with the clear stamp of FBI on them. Alina’s lips twitched despite herself. Same haircuts, same posture...hell, they even all had the same color suit – black. It was like an ad for Federal Law Enforcement.
Michael sat on the end, next to the side aisle. Her heels clicked on the marble floor as she walked and he turned to see who was approaching. A look of relief crossed his face when he saw her, followed closely by a look bordering on astonishment. She raised an eyebrow in question, her eyes meeting his.
“What?” she asked, drawing alongside him as he stood.
Michael shook his head, his lips pulling into a grin.
“Nothing,” he said, his voice low. “I’ve only seen you in a skirt once, that’s all.”
“Don’t get used to it,” she muttered. “It doesn’t happen often.”
Angela turned at the sound of the voices and jumped up at the sight of Alina.
“Lina!” she exclaimed, moving out of the pew to greet her. “Finally!”
She ran an experienced eye over Alina and nodded in approval.
“You look amazing,” she announced in satisfaction. “Joanne wants you with us. You can slide in next to Stephanie.”
“I’ll stay on the end,” Alina replied, motioning Angie back into the pew. “I don’t want to disturb anyone.” Or be trapped with no way out, she added silently.
“Lina!”
Stephanie began to stand but Alina waved her down again as Angela resumed her seat. She slipped into the pew next to Angela and sat down.
“It’s about time you got here!” Stephanie hissed, leaning forward so that she could see her. “Where the hell have you been?!”
“I was running behind. I obviously didn’t miss much.”
“No, they’re still coming in,” Stephanie answered, glancing back to gauge the line. “At least the line seems to be in from outside now.”
There was a murmur and a ‘psssst’ from the other end of the pew. Alina leaned forward to see Joanne waving to her. She nodded back, smiled in greeting to John’s aunt, and sat back before either woman thought to get up and come greet her properly. The less attention drawn to her the better.
“You look fantastic,” Stephanie said, turning back to her. “Is that what Angie picked out?”
“Yes.”
“I told you,” Angela said, glancing at her. “She should let me dress her all the time.”
“Is everything alright?” Michael inserted his head between Angie’s shoulder and Alina. “You’re late.”
“Fine,” Alina said, glancing at him. “Stop worrying.”
“Why is he...why are you worrying?” Angela demanded. “I swear, Michael, you’ve been like a mama bear all morning. What’s got into you?”
“You mean besides the visitor we had last night?” he asked.
Angela shrugged and turned to face the altar again.
“Oh that,” she muttered. “I don’t see anyone missing half their arm, so I think we’re safe. Oh, good Lord! What is she wearing?!”
Alina glanced at her, raising an eyebrow at the look on her friend’s face. She followed Angela’s horrified gaze.
“Oh my...do you see this?” Stephanie hissed.
Alina not only saw, but was having a hard time not laughing. John’s ex-girlfriend was advancing on the open coffin. Leopard print had been exchanged for a more respectful, solid black. Dressed in a knee-length, sleeveless dress, she would have been unremarkable if it weren’t for the neckline plunging clear down to her navel. The deep opening could have been overlooked if the gap was narrow, but it was not. The wide expanse of skin left exposed displayed much more than the pantsuit from last night and Alina heard a low chuckle behind her.
“Well, that’s an interesting choice,” Michael said.
“Interesting choice?” Angela gaped. “Joanne must be having a heart attack!”
“It will take more than that to give her a heart attack,” Alina said, the faintest tremor in her voice.
Angela glanced at her suspiciously.
“Are you laughing?!”
Before Alina could acknowledge or deny, Nipples made her move toward the coffin. She sniffled and dabbed at her eyes with a black handkerchief. Tottering on stilettos higher than even Angela wore, she went to the side of the casket to say her final farewell. From Alina’s vantage point at the end of the pew, she had a clear view of John’s ex-girlfriend and she shook her head in bemusement. John couldn’t have found a woman more different from Alina if he went to outer space and came back with a green-skinned alien. Part of her was absolutely horrified her successors had apparently all followed this same mold: fake boobs, fake hair and no brains to speak of.
“What the...oh no, she is not!” Angela exclaimed under her breath.
Alina stared transfixed as the woman reached the side of the casket and burst into uncontrollable tears. The sobs were loud and she made no attempt to try to smother them or keep it down. Within seconds, the sobs escalated into a wail and an uncomfortable hush fell over the front half of the church.
“For God’s sake,” Stephanie muttered audibly.
A black-suited usher from the funeral home moved forward silently, reaching her side in record time. He reached out to place a gentle hand on her arm, trying to turn her away from the coffin. He was murmuring something quietly and succeeded in leading the distraught woman a few steps away before she wrenched out of his grasp and turned back toward the casket.
Angela sucked in her breath and Stephanie let out an involuntary gasp as Nipples threw herself at the casket.
“NO!!” she cried, her voice echoing through the church. “John, don’t leave me!!”
She draped herself over the side of the casket sobbing, her arms going over John’s motionless shoulders. As her midriff made contact with the side of the coffin, the thin fabric of her dress proved no match for the silicone it restrained. Gasps filled the front pews as a large, round breast popped free.
Alina clamped her teeth down on her bottom lip to stop from laughing and clapped her hand over her mouth. Michael’s head disappeared from behind her shoulder and she heard him burst into a muffled fit of guffaws.
“Good Lord!” Bill exclaimed loudly from the other end of the pew, standing.
Joanne reached up and pulled him down forcibly, her face bright red.
“Let the usher handle it!” she hissed. “Don’t make it worse than it already is!”
“You can’t get much worse than a boob smacking our son in the face!” he retorted, his voice booming through the church.
“Oh my God,” Stephanie gasped, sinking down in the pew, her shoulders shaking.
To give the poor usher credit, he never once cracked the professional mask he wore as he once again approached the wailing woman. He smoothly positioned himself so that she was partially concealed as he gently pulled her off of John’s lifeless body.
“For God’s sake, tuck that boulder back in!” Angela muttered, watching as the usher tried to pry her away from the casket. “I don’t need to see a bouncing Buddha at eleven-thirty in the morning!”
“Angie!” Stephanie whispered in a strangled voice.
“What? I don’t!”
Alina felt herself losing the battle and her shoulders began to shake silently.
Realizing the woman was in no shape to address her wardrobe malfunction, the usher quickly removed his suit jacket and draped it around her shoulders. Fortunately, he managed to cover her before she faced a packed Catholic church. Unfortunately for the front row, he didn’t get the jacket on before he turned her away from the casket.
“Oh God!” Angela exclaimed, slapping her hand over her eyes.
“At least it’s perky,” John’s aunt announced in a stage whisper. “Could be worse. It could look like mine!”
“Roxanne!” Joanne exclaimed, horrified. “Really!”
Someone whistled behind them and Alina’s shoulders shook harder. She watched through tearing eyes as the usher covered the offending mammary gland and led Nipples down the aisle and away from the casket. He had one arm firmly wrapped around her shoulders while the other hand held his jacket closed in front of her. She wasn’t getting away again.
“Is it gone?” Angela demanded, her hand still covering her eyes.
“Yes,” Stephanie said, turning her head to watch as Nipples was led away. “I think we’re safe.”
Angela dropped her hand and immediately twisted around in the pew, craning her neck to watch the exit.
“Did that really just happen?” Blake demanded from behind them, his voice shaking with laughter.
“Yep.” Stephanie glanced at him, a grin tugging at her lips. “We like to keep our funerals interesting in New Jersey.”
“This is better than Jersey Shore,” Michael said, his eyes meeting Alina’s as she looked back to check the progress of Nipples and the usher.
Her eyes were dancing.
“John would be very proud,” she agreed.
“John’s somewhere right now laughing his ass off,” Stephanie said, overhearing. “I wouldn’t put it past him to have planned this somehow!”
Alina returned her attention to the front of the church in time to see an older gentleman turn away from the casket and pause next to Bill, laying a hand on his shoulder in a motion of comfort. The line of mourners continued, the drama over, and the ordeal continued. As the last of the mourners paid their respects, Alina glanced up to the statue of Mary next to the lectern in front of her. The peaceful countenance and outstretched hands belied the absurdity of the scene that just took place, and Alina suppressed another chuckle. Stephanie was right.
If there was an afterlife, and John was in it, he was undoubtedly laughing at them all.