STEPH WOUND THE music up full blast in an attempt to drown out her brain and its ranting.
Stupid...crazy. Why kiss the man? Didn’t she know how that would make her feel? How she’d keep wanting more?
She had the left side of her brain to thank for her not going to bed with him. If she’d listened to the right side instead she’d now be having an amazing time in bed with the sexiest man on the planet.
The left front wheel bumped on the kerb as she pulled into her drive. Braking hard, she snapped the ignition off. Why had she gone to Michael’s in the first place? All very well thinking she had to get over him, but she’d only succeeded in making things worse.
She still wanted him. After years of having nothing to do with him her hormones craved his body, his smile, those kisses. She wanted him and cared about him more than ever.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Yeah, right—and it also mucked up a girl’s thinking.
Folding her arms on the steering wheel, she banged her useless head down on her forearms. Now what? Michael would have recognised her reaction for what it was—need. For him. Hopefully he hadn’t seen her real feelings...
He started it.
Truly? The fact that she’d plastered herself to his body and willingly kissed him didn’t make it seem as if she’d been fighting him off.
Where should she move to next? Wellington? Australia? Her heart sagged.
No, please no more moving around looking for the impossible.
The impossible was right here on her doorstep in the form of one sexy, beautiful, wonderful man. Returning home had always been full of difficulties, and this was just one of them.
Just? When her heart was still thumping and her core ached for him?
She should have taken what was on offer. If she couldn’t assign Michael to the ‘has been loved’ bucket maybe she should make the most of any opportunity to have fun with the man.
Her phone interrupted that stupid thought.
Michael. He clearly hadn’t ditched her number when he’d ditched her.
Don’t answer.
‘Hello?’
‘You get home all right?’
‘Yes.’
‘Good. See you tomorrow.’
He wouldn’t. She had two days off. ‘Bye.’
Auckland sure was testing her. Making sure she really intended putting her feet on the ground permanently and not running away again. Well, she was going to pass these tests with flying colours, even if her heart got dented along the way. She had to. The alternative wasn’t worth considering. She was done with being lonely. And if she got hurt on the path to finding happiness she’d deal with it. Here.
* * *
Eight-oh-five. A veritable sleep-in. Stumbling into the kitchen, Stephanie turned up the heat pump before filling the kettle. It took a cup of tea to wake up properly. Pouring muesli into a bowl, she found her thoughts straight away turning to Michael and how to act next time she saw him. Thankfully she wasn’t on days again until Friday. He’d have forgotten he’d kissed her by then.
But if that kiss had affected him half as much as it had her it would hang between them like a tolling bell. Bang, bang, bang. Great kiss. Bad reaction. Could they do it again?
She only had herself to blame for her uptight state. She could have walked away before they got started. She hadn’t. End of story. Get over it. People kissed all the time. Didn’t mean the world had come to an end. Not even hers.
A low whine came from outside. A dog?
Pushing the curtains wide, she blinked at the sight of the black and tan dog shivering up against the sliding glass doors.
‘Who are you, lovely?’ Opening the slider, she gasped at the cold, wet air enveloping her. ‘It’s freezing out here.’
Rubbing her hand over soft, damp fur got her a gentle head-nudge before the most adorable pleading eyes focused on her.
‘You’re beautiful, aren’t you?’
Thump, thump. Its tail whacked the wooden deck.
She glanced under its belly. ‘Well, boy, I don’t know what you’re doing here, but this isn’t your house.’ There were tags on his collar. Council registration and a name. ‘Zac.’
Thump, thump.
A wind gust drove rain under the overhang, straight at her. And Zac. Straightening up, she stepped backwards through the door and the dog followed.
‘Hey, I don’t think you should come in. You don’t belong here.’
But pushing him outside wasn’t really an option when he was still shivering and now she’d seen how his ribs pushed at his skin and the concave shape of his belly.
‘I don’t have any dog food...’
There was plenty of meat in the freezer, put there by her dad for when the family dropped by for a barbecue—which hadn’t happened yet, because someone always seemed to be out of town at the moment. When they finally all caught up at the same time for one of those family dos she might start feeling more at home in her house. At the moment it was empty and cold, as though the rooms were waiting for people, laughter, lots of talking. Things her family would provide in shovelfuls.
Setting the microwave on defrost, Steph placed a pack of steak inside and then dried Zac off with an old towel. Next she filled a bowl her mother had given her for a birthday with water, and sighed happily as the dog lapped the liquid up. Her visitor was cute and he gave her the warm fuzzies.
While Zac gulped the meat down she poured another mug of tea. ‘I’m going out soon. The dentist’s beckoning.’ Shudder. ‘You’ll have to go home then.’
The dog dropped to the floor, laid his head on his paws and stared up at her with that pleading look back in his eyes.
‘You can’t stay here. Someone must be missing you.’
He was heart-meltingly beautiful. And her heart was responding to that plea. Too much. Someone out there must be frantic, wondering where he was.
Four hours later, when she returned from retail therapy, trying to dissipate the discomfort produced by a heavy-handed dental technician cleaning her teeth, Zac was still there, leaning against the door she’d found him at earlier. He bounded up, his tail wagging as he nudged her butt with his head.
‘You’re a naughty boy. You were meant to go home. I’m not getting any more meat out of the freezer.’
She sighed. Or maybe she was.
‘I’ll ring the council dog pound and find out if anyone’s been asking for you.’
What if they hadn’t? Could she keep him? Melt, melt, went her heart. It wouldn’t be fair. She worked twelve-hour shifts four days in a row. What would she do with him on those days? It didn’t matter. Zac might look a little malnourished, but his coat gleamed now she’d dried it and he hadn’t cowered from her once. He was well looked after. Someone out there was missing him.
‘Zac belongs to a Mrs Anderson. She hasn’t been in touch to report him missing so she might be away. We’ll be investigating. She should’ve made arrangements for the dog if that’s the case.’
The woman at the pound ranted on for interminable minutes when Steph rang the council. She also gave her over Mrs Anderson’s address.
Should the woman be telling her those details?
‘Will you phone and tell her I can drop Zac off?’ Steph asked. She was more than happy to deliver her new friend home, since he came from a street only a couple of blocks away.
‘The ranger will be round pick up the dog later this afternoon.’ Click.
Fine. Thanks. Why give her the address, then? ‘Someone’s going to take you home.’ She rubbed the silky head resting on her thigh. ‘Isn’t that great?’
There went any idea of keeping him.
There were a few text messages on her phone she hadn’t heard coming in. One from Michael.
Kelli’s dropping in to the department around two if you want to catch up.
Kelli and her fake engagement to Mac, which became real. A true love-match—even if it had taken some teasing to bring it out into the open.
The last time she’d seen those two had been at her farewell drinks in the bar over the road from Auckland Central Hospital, before she’d moved to Queenstown. All loved-up and happy beyond description.
Will do.
Having texted him back, she knew there was no avoiding Michael now. His message hadn’t given her any clues as to what he was thinking about her, though if he’d wanted to avoid her he wouldn’t have sent it in the first place. He could have denied still having her number. Why did he still have it?
Woof.
‘You, my boy, are going outside again.’
She wouldn’t be here when the ranger arrived to pick him up, but there was nothing she could do about that. Probably for the best anyway. It would take very little to tempt her into keeping him.
* * *
‘Steph, look at you! You haven’t changed a bit.’
Kelli’s arms wrapped around her the moment they saw each other. Hugging her back, Steph laughed. ‘Still exaggerating everything.’
‘I wouldn’t.’ Kelli pulled back and glanced around before saying, ‘Michael’s as good-looking as ever—and still single, I hear.’
‘Apparently so.’ How did she stop heat pouring into her cheeks? ‘What’ve you and Mac been up to since I last saw you?’
‘You and I need to catch up for lunch one day when you’re not working.’ Kelli grinned. ‘As for us—making babies.’
‘You’re pregnant again?’
For once the usual hollowed-out sensation didn’t hit her with its full debilitating hardness, but her stomach still dropped to her knees and her heart landed in her throat. Babies—babies everywhere. Just not for her. It still sucked, big-time, but she wouldn’t let that show—couldn’t dull Kelli’s happiness because of these selfish feelings.
Throwing her arms back around Kelli, the nurse she’d worked alongside when she was going through her own version of hell, she said, ‘That’s the best news I’ve heard in a long time.’
It truly is, so get out of my throat and back behind my ribs, dear heart.
‘I have to say your life’s been dull if that’s what it takes to cheer you up.’
‘I don’t need cheering up.’ Did she? No, not at all.
‘Hi, there, Stephanie—glad you got my text.’
The man with the deep and husky voice stood behind her.
Turning slowly, to give herself time to fix her features into neutral, she faced Michael. ‘Thanks for the text. I’d have hated to miss Kelli.’
‘No problem. Why aren’t you working? Something wrong?’
She cleared that concern out of his eyes with, ‘I’m on days off. I did four day shifts this round, but next I’m up for days and nights.’ She wasn’t ill, or sulking because of last night, if that was what he was thinking.
‘Six-day weeks? You don’t mind?’
She shrugged. ‘Comes with the territory.’
Later on, if she got involved with someone or took up playing netball again, she might be irked at having to work weekends, but at the moment it made no difference.
There was a gentle poke at the back of her waist. ‘Don’t go without giving me your phone number,’ murmured Kelli, before crossing to talk to someone else she knew.
Don’t leave me alone with Michael. I’m not sure what to say to him.
But Steph couldn’t help glancing at him, and instantly looked away from the dynamic gaze that seemed stuck on her. ‘What?’
‘Nothing.’
‘Good.’
‘Chantelle arrived minutes after you left.’
So if she’d gone down the hall last night, instead of walking out through the front door, who knew what his sister would have discovered?
‘You must be glad I’d left.’
Her heart dropped. It was beginning to make sense. His life was devoted to work and to his extended family, with no room for anyone else other than grabbed moments over a meal or in bed. No room for her other than he needed to scratch an itch.
Was she his itch?
‘She wasn’t meant to be picking Aaron up until the morning. But, considering I’m never one hundred percent certain she’ll do what she says, I should’ve been more circumspect.’
Deflate me, why not?
‘Seems late for Aaron to be going home.’
She shouldn’t have said that. It sounded judgemental. It was judgemental.
‘Sorry—none of my business.’
His sister must drive him bonkers at times. Though he was far more patient than she’d ever be.
‘Now you know how it is in my house.’
Don’t you mean in your life? But, yeah, buster, the picture’s getting clearer by the minute.
If he thought he had to warn her to stay away he had nothing to worry about. After last night she had no intention of ever dropping by again. A girl could only be so stupid before she wised up.
‘I’d better go after Kelli.’
‘See you around.’
Her heart sank. Back to square one. He could kiss her senseless and wave her off without a hint of reluctance in that sexy voice. More fool her for letting it get to her.
Sit up, heart, and start clapping as if you’re grateful he’s like this. We don’t want him back in our life.
Kelli nudged her gently. ‘Smile like you’re happy. At the moment he’s going to think you’re upset with him.’
I am.
Stretching her lips she asked, ‘Better?’
‘Looks like you’ve got a mouthful of vinegar. Now, what’s your number?’
* * *
While pretending to read a patient’s notes Michael watched Steph talking with Kelli as though she didn’t give a toss that he was here—ten metres away. As if kissing him senseless had been just ho-hum.
He’d have sworn she’d been as ready for him as he had her last night. That supple body had moulded to his and she’d all but had to peel herself off him when she’d chosen to leave.
Even Chantelle barrelling in to collect Aaron hadn’t cooled his ardour. At night once Aaron was asleep there was no waking him—which was why he hadn’t thought anything of heading to the bedroom with Stephanie.
He was hugely grateful not to have been caught with Stephanie, but there was nothing else that made him happy about her walking out.
Chantelle would have had plenty to say about where his obligations lay. And that would be with her and Aaron, and Carly if needed, not with an outsider.
Chantelle had once nearly cost him his job in another ED when she’d needed too much of his time and concentration. There wasn’t room for a meaningful other half in his life and risk it all crashing and burning around his feet again. So, yes, he’d dodged another bullet. So had Stephanie.
Across the room, she and Kellie were bent double with laughter, shaking their heads at each other. Steph, when she laughed, was another woman. Soft and cute and so lovely. She was all those things most the time.
Last night he’d wanted to haul her down to his bedroom and press her to the sheets, make love to her until she begged him to stop. Then and only then would he have sunk into her heat and lost his mind. He owed her big-time for having the strength to leave, because in the end he wasn’t available for more than those snatched moments and Stephanie deserved far more. She deserved permanence. Commitment. Love.
Michael froze. Love? Not from him. He’d screwed up one marriage by apparently not devoting enough time to his ex, and he couldn’t promise Stephanie any more because of all his other commitments. A second failed marriage was not happening.
His gaze fixed on the woman playing with his mind. She looked marvellous in those tight-fitting jeans and a thick woollen jersey that accentuated her breasts. Breasts he hadn’t had the chance to hold, to kiss and lick and enjoy last night. Under his scrubs his groin tightened. This was lust—not love.
The squeaky, tight pulling in his veins, the out-of-rhythm beat of his heart—all of it was to do with the lust hardening below his belt. Nothing to do with love. He knew what love felt like—knew the agony and the ecstasy, the hollowed out sensation when it was withdrawn.
His marriage had lasted fifteen months, had ended in fireworks and national headlines, and proved he had the family ‘no good at long-term’ gene. Proved that he was not good at commitment.
His mum and dad had divorced when he was seven—his dad again six years later, after increasing his family by two. One half-sister had a divorce behind her, and the other refused to marry her partner. With that pedigree he wasn’t prepared to take another gamble.
Yet Stephanie had stirred him up something terrible. Once again.
Stephanie. His blood was always warmer when she was around. Hotter, thicker.
She was still with Kelli, her head tipped back as she listened, that thick hair shaped around her slim neck so tempting his fingers itched.
She hadn’t been laughing when Kelli had said she was pregnant. There’d been a sharp stab of pain in the back of her eyes. Quick to show, quicker to disappear, but now he knew to look for it it had been obvious.
Yes, taking her to bed was high on his list of needs. But it wasn’t going to happen.
Anything else he wanted also had to be ignored.
And if that made him cruel then he’d put his hand up. He could not stop wanting her, because it was the wrong thing to do, but he could and would keep her at arm’s length.
He picked up the phone and punched in the number for PICU. Stephanie would want an update on those twins.
So much for arm’s length.
* * *
‘This is Con from the dog pound. I’m at your address now and there’s no sign of the dog you called in.’
Steph’s heart sank as she pulled off the road and held her phone hard against her ear. ‘I couldn’t find anything safe to tie him up with.’
‘I’ve been around to where he lived with Mrs Anderson and he’s not there either. The neighbours say they haven’t seen him since the day she was found dead.’
‘What do you mean?’
Con sighed. ‘Three days ago concerned neighbours broke into her house and found her deceased in bed.’
‘That’s awful.’
For everyone. No wonder Zac was wandering the streets. He was hungry and lonely and desperate.
‘Does anyone want him? Family? A friend or neighbour?’ She held her breath.
‘Not that we’ve been able to ascertain. He’ll most likely go up for adoption—if we can find him before it’s too late.’
The man didn’t have to say what that meant. She had a vivid imagination. ‘I’ll go for a walk—call out to him when I get home.’
She didn’t have to.
‘You’re a persistent little guy, aren’t you?’
Steph bent down to pat Zac, who’d raced to her car the moment she’d pulled into the drive. ‘I have to let the ranger know you’re here so he can pick you up.’
Didn’t she?
Zac’s head tipped to one side. He sensed that she was weakening?
Could she keep him? Adopt him?
Getting a pet would be another step in making her move home feel permanent. No way could she take off and leave him behind, and she couldn’t take him overseas.
Hey, you’re not going anywhere. This is home. Warts and all.
Dog and all?
‘Zac, do you want to come live with me?’
‘He’s a German Shepherd Collie cross, with probably some other bits thrown in,’ Con told her when she phoned him back. ‘Two years old, fully vaccinated, no record of wandering until now.’
‘Can I keep him?’
‘I talked to your neighbour earlier and there’s no problem with you taking him.’
That made her uncomfortable. She didn’t know her neighbours very well. ‘What do I have to do?’
‘There’s paperwork to fill in. We need a record of where he’s gone in case anyone asks later on. But as of now he’s yours.’
‘Zac...’
Steph blinked and smudged tears away from her cheeks. How easy was that? She’d wanted someone to love. So the object of that love had four legs and a collar? Worked for her. Another box ticked.
Dropping to her knees, Steph wrapped her arms around her new housemate and sniffed hard. ‘Welcome to my world, beautiful.’
She’d done it. This was a permanent step and there was no going back. Instantly exciting and frightening.
Her new life really was underway. She was now a paramedic with a dog, living in her own house. And she was facing up to Michael.
‘Let’s go shopping for doggie things.’
An hour later she drove through the streets towards home, Zac sat beside her, his head out of the window, catching the breeze. Her fingers tapped in time to the country song blasting out from the stereo and her mouth kept lifting into unbidden smiles.
Yeah, she’d done the right thing—for her and for Zac.