CHAPTER TWENTY

Joe had already made coffee and for that Niki was thankful. She was exhausted from riding all night, but knew it would be a long time before sleep could force through all the emotions running through her mind, so caffeine was in order. Worry, anger, and relief churned through Niki as she watched Lacy and April sitting huddled together near the fire. Despite her own uncertainty, she wanted nothing more than to ease Lacy and April’s fear and make life as normal as possible, which meant a hot breakfast.

Niki clutched her cup in both hands, sipped the hot coffee and sighed as she stared at the canvas pannier of food swinging high above the ground. She swallowed the last gulp, set the cup down with weary resignation and made her way to the tree. Niki untied the rope and leaned back, using all of her weight to keep the load from falling too fast since her muscles ached too much to be of use. The load nearly pulled her off her feet, but before she lost her balance all the tension left the rope. She didn’t need to look over her shoulder to know that Deuce stood behind her. With one hand reaching over her shoulder, he had taken all the weight.

She wanted to lean back against his warm solid chest and close her eyes. Niki yearned to accept his strength and revel in the heat of his body, but she refused to give him the satisfaction of knowing she needed him and that sometimes she just wasn’t physically strong enough.

“I can get it,” she snapped as she yanked on the rope, trying to pull it from his grip.

“I’m sure you can, but you’re dead on your feet and I’m here,” he replied, holding firm. “Besides, this bundle of supplies probably weighs more than you do.”

He didn’t budge. He stood so close behind her that she could feel the muscles in his forearm brush against her shoulder and the warmth of his breath whisper over her ear. The desire to let him be there for her was nearly too great for her tired body to fight, but she had to. He had made it clear over the past few years that he didn’t want to be the one she counted on and he clearly had never believed she could be there for him.

“I don’t need your help and I don’t want you to ever feel obligated to take care of me. I’m not helpless or weak. Right now I’m exhausted, but I can handle it.”

The pack settled to the ground without either ever letting go of the rope. Deuce unclipped the pannier from the rope and slung it over his shoulder. He turned towards camp and stopped in front of Niki.

“I was wrong. You can let it go or you can keep punishing me for a past that can’t be changed.”

Niki wasn’t sure if she heard him correctly. She couldn’t remember Deuce ever admitting he was wrong about anything and couldn’t believe he might actually have come to realize he’d misjudged her. She stared after him, mouth agape, unable to respond.

Maybe I misunderstood. I’m so tired my mind is a jumble of thoughts and my emotions are all over the place. Niki shook her head to clear her mind. She quickened her pace and caught up to Deuce just as he reached the fire.

Niki watched as he lowered the supplies to the ground next to the fire pit and picked up the water jug. He didn’t look at her, but she could sense the tension in his stance and could see the tight line of his jaw as she stared at his strong profile. She wanted to ask him to repeat himself to verify she had heard correctly, but with Sarah and the girls watching, she kept quiet as he turned and strode off toward the creek.

“Deuce.” Lacy’s faint voice made the big man stop in his tracks.

He turned around and as he looked at the angelic face staring up at him, his expression softened. He knelt down and smiled.

“Can April and me go with you?”

He nodded and flinched only slightly when she slid her tiny hand into his.

Niki couldn’t help but smile as she watched April jog to catch up, swinging a small bucket cheerfully in her hand. It was clear by the way his glance rapidly moved from one girl to the other that they were both talking to him at once, trying to hold his attention.

“He’s always been so good with the girls,” Sarah said as she watched the trio walk away until they were out of sight.

“Really?” Niki questioned, disbelief tainting her voice.

“He tries to act tough, but Lacy especially has a way of breaking through the hardest shells. We don’t get over to the Blackburns much, but when we do it usually only takes her a few minutes to have Bob and Deuce eating out of her hand. It’s cute, but I sometimes worry that she’ll use it as a weapon when she grows up.”

“I can see it. When she bats those big innocent baby blues, I don’t know how anyone could deny her anything.”

Sarah laughed. “It’s a bit of an act. Sometimes my little angel can be a real hellion.”

The two women opened the bag and dug through the supplies until they had procured everything needed to make hotcakes. Other than coffee, all they had to drink was tea and cocoa. But Niki couldn’t imagine the girls objecting to cocoa, so she pulled the canister out and searched for a pot to boil some water.

“Sarah, if you want to start the hotcakes, I’ll see if I can find something warmer for the girls to wear. They’ll need more than sweaters to keep them warm when it cools off this evening.”

When Niki entered the tent, she found that Bernie had fallen asleep again. While he needed rest in order to mend, the amount of time he slept worried her. He usually woke at five in the morning and seldom turned in before midnight, so watching him spend his days in a dream world didn’t feel right. Actually, Niki realized she had seldom ever seen her grandfather sleep. He was usually still awake when she went to bed and already up when she rose in the morning. At those times he looked strong¾asleep he looked frail and old.

She unzipped her duffle and quietly rifled through the bag. Her stuff would be huge for the girls and not big enough for Sarah. She would raid her grandfather’s bag for a flannel shirt for Sarah and she could wear his coat while he remained bedridden. Niki pulled out her long sleeve thermal underwear top. If she cut the sleeves off at the elbow, it might work for April. They could layer the long john top with the shirt and sweater the girl already wore and top it off with Niki’s windbreaker with the sleeves rolled up and it would keep April warm enough unless they had to winter in the mountains. Lacy was another story.

Niki ducked back out of the tent and noticed Sarah was nearly finished with breakfast and Frank and Joe stood nearby, talking, drinking coffee and waiting for the offer to dig in and eat. By the stunned look Joe gave her, she could only imagine Frank was telling the old man all the details of her latest risky escapade. Niki hoped Joe would just accept that no harm was done and not lecture her because she was just too tired to listen and pretend to have learned her lesson. If she had to do it all over again, she would. Niki turned from Joe’s knowing gaze and joined Sarah at the fire.

“I think if we cut these sleeves off and layer it with what April has she’ll be warm enough for now. I have this small wool blanket that I was thinking we could use to make a poncho for Lacy.”

When Sarah stood, Niki could see tears in her eyes.

“You’ve done so much for my family. I don’t know how we can ever thank you enough. First you help rescue us, then you risk your life so we can escape and now you’re cutting up your own clothes and giving up your sleeping bag and cot for my girls. If we get out of this, I’m taking you shopping and buying you new things to replace those you’ve sacrificed. I know it’s such a small gesture, but I’ll think of more. I’ll never forget what you’ve done and I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to repay you, though I know it’ll be impossible.”

“Don’t even think about it. You would have done the same for me or anyone else here if the tables were turned. And unfortunately we may not be out of the woods yet, so hold the gratitude.”

“I know it isn’t over, but I feel a lot safer now than I did this time yesterday. It’s good to be with friends.”

“Friends help friends. That’s just what we do. I’ll always remember how you and Cal were there for Deuce and Bob when they needed someone.”

“I only wish I could have done more. I hated seeing what it did to Deuce to lose his mother in such a tragic way. She suffered far too much for far too long, and as you know, Deuce is all action. He didn’t deal well with something out of his control that he couldn’t fix. He needed someone to lean on, to listen to him, to understand his grief and soothe his tortured soul, and Bob was in no shape to give any support to his son. Deuce and Bob have never really fully recovered, but at least Bob has gotten over the resentment and guilt. Deuce can’t seem to get past the blame and anger and it’s made him shut out those who mean the most to him.”

As Niki listened to Sarah a knot formed in her chest. No matter how much Bob tried to make her feel like family, she had always thought she knew her place¾she was just the granddaughter of an employee whom the Blackburns took pity on. When Mrs. Blackburn died, Niki had stayed away, not knowing what to do to ease Bob or Deuce’s pain, fearing she wouldn’t be needed or wanted. Her grandfather had discouraged her presence since he hadn’t wanted her to see Bob’s drinking. Bob hadn’t been a particularly mean drunk, but she knew her grandfather was just trying to protect her from reliving the trauma of her childhood.

Thinking back, she should have tried harder to be there for Deuce. Maybe the abandonment he felt wasn’t just his mother leaving, but from her staying away. Maybe she was weak. Niki had been too afraid to go to him and offer comfort. She was ashamed that Sarah had a better insight into his anguish than she had. Niki couldn’t turn back the clock, but she could let go of the past and she had certainly never intended to punish Deuce for anything.

Squeals of delight interrupted her thoughts. Niki glanced toward the creek and found Deuce making his way back to camp with Lacy on his shoulders, her tiny fists clenched in his unruly hair, and April trotting next to him swinging a small bucket of water. Both girls had smiles on their faces and giggled at apparently everything Deuce said.

“Wow, after what happened at your ranch and the interesting night we’ve had, I’m amazed at how quickly the girls have recovered. Hopefully this means there will be no nightmares or lingering effects,” Niki said.

“The glory of youth and innocence,” Sarah replied.

Niki wasn’t sure if it was just youth and innocence, or if their instant sense of security had to do with the man. Deuce had once made her feel the same way. He was so in control and strong that she had always felt safe with him, like the girls clearly did right now.

She thought back to when she was a child and how she followed him around with the same awe in her eyes. He had been patient with her tagging along after him and even seemed to enjoy being the focus of her admiration. Niki wondered if she could recapture that sense of comfort and wonder and forget about the hurt and disappointment of losing his friendship and the years of feeling too inadequate to be part of his life. She could no longer place all the blame on him and didn’t want to believe it was too late to repair the damage.