Cooking Matt’s favourite dinner was a sure sign that Lara was about to ask him for something. Tonight, as she pummelled the steaks with the tenderiser, she mentally rehearsed what she wanted to say.
However she phrased it, it mustn’t sound like criticism. Matt had been a life raft for her these last two years. There was no doubt that without his calm, solid hold on her, she would have gone under. He had lost their babies too, and yet his first thought and concern had always been for her.
The last time had been the worst. They had cradled baby Aaron for a long time. If anything, it had been more painful when Matt had held him. He’d been so impossibly tiny in Matt’s large, capable hands.
When Matt got in from work, she told him to take a shower while she finished preparing dinner: he liked his steak pretty rare, but even the well-done version she would have to have wouldn’t take long.
Once they were sitting down to eat, she poured him a glass of red wine and told him about Shelley’s revelation this afternoon.
Matt’s eyes nearly bulged out of his head. ‘Wow. Poor Shelley. That must have been a shock when she told you.’
Lara sipped at her sparkling water. ‘I’m glad she felt able to tell me, to be honest. So, I was honest with her. About everything.’
Matt lowered his eyes, spent longer than necessary sawing a tiny slice of steak. ‘That’s good.’
Lara put down her knife and fork. She wanted to say this right. ‘It did feel good. A relief. And it made me realise that we haven’t been able to be honest recently, have we?’
‘I don’t know what you mean.’ Matt still wasn’t meeting her eye. All the proof she needed for what she was about to say.
‘This baby, Matt. You don’t think it’s going to happen, do you? That’s why you won’t feel him move or talk about him or make any plans.’
Matt didn’t move for a few moments. Was he deciding whether to tell her the truth? Much as she wanted honesty, if he was to tell her now that he didn’t think this baby would make it either, it might be more than she could bear.
When he did speak, his voice was very quiet. ‘It was so hard, Lara.’
Her throat tightened. ‘I know, babe. It was hard. For both of us.’
He leaned forwards, placed his hand over hers. ‘I don’t know what was more difficult for me. Losing the baby or seeing you in so much pain and not being able to help. When you’ve got a problem, I like fixing it for you, making it better. But I couldn’t fix that. I couldn’t make it better.’
Lara squeezed her fist, encased in Matt’s hand, wanting to throw her arms around him but knowing how important it was for her to say all that she wanted to say. ‘You couldn’t fix it because it had already happened. It was over. But we can try again. We are trying again. And I need you to believe it can work this time. We need to hope for this baby and believe he or she can make it. Because whatever has happened in the past, we need to give this baby the best chance.’
Matt’s eyes filled. ‘I can’t pretend it didn’t happen, Lara. I can’t just clear everything away and act like those babies didn’t exist.’
Lara froze as if he’d struck her. Is that what he thought? That she wanted to forget them? Something broke away in her chest and a moan grazed her throat. ‘I’ll never forget them. I’ll never forget my babies. How could you even think that I wanted to forget them?’
‘Hey, hey, don’t get yourself worked up.’ Matt looked genuinely frightened. ‘I know that you haven’t forgotten them, but the book, the decluttering – I just thought you didn’t want me to talk about them, to be reminded.’
‘Reminded?’ Lara knew her voice was getting louder, but she couldn’t hold it down. ‘Every time this baby moves, I am reminded. Every time the midwife listens to the heartbeat. Every scan, every blood test…’ She couldn’t speak anymore. Having taken her hand away from the table, both fists were now clenched in her lap as she rocked backwards and forwards.
Matt pulled his chair until they were sitting beside each other, and he held her close as she cried, his own tears falling into her hair. ‘Shush, honey. Shush. It’s okay. It’s okay.’
Once the storm had subsided, he pulled away and held her arms as he looked her in the eye. ‘Wait there. I want to show you something.’
His feet on the stairs thudded away. How come they had never spoken like this? They’d always been tight and had been through so much together. Clearly they had hidden a lot too. Trying to spare one another, they had allowed a distance to grow. She was fearful of what he might be about to show her. What other secrets had been hidden?
She soon found out. The kitchen door creaked as he pushed it open. In his hands was a shoebox from a pair of his running shoes. He didn’t normally keep the boxes. He only ever had one pair of shoes for running, which he would wear until they were beyond useable and then throw them away and buy replacements. How long had he had this box, and where had it been hidden?
Matt sat next to her so that their knees were touching. He took a deep breath and lifted the lid from the box. It took every ounce of self-control she possessed not to lean forwards and look in.
‘So.’ Matt put his hand inside the box, rested it there and took a deep breath. ‘I’m not showing you these to upset you. I just need you to understand.’
‘I understand. I know you would never hurt me.’ She spoke the truth, but her heart thumped. What was he about to show her?
Matt’s hand came out of the box closed. He turned his fist over and opened it. In the middle of his palm was a tiny hospital identity bracelet. Aaron’s identity bracelet.
There were other mementos. A Babygro, which had to be from the first pregnancy. A hand-knitted blanket that a stillbirth charity had given them at the hospital for Aaron. And, lastly, a photograph of their tiny, beautiful boy.
Lara groaned again. It came from somewhere so deep within her chest that she could feel it. She could barely form the words she wanted to say. ‘I knew we hadn’t got rid of it but I didn’t know where it was. I was so scared that I’d thrown it away by accident that I couldn’t ask.’
Matt nodded. ‘When you were… recovering, I hid it away. You couldn’t cope with it. I knew. I understood. It was too painful. So, I kept it safe. With the other things. I knew someday that you might want to see them.’
Lara could barely speak. She stroked the photograph of her beautiful boy. Her Aaron. ‘I do.’ Her voice was barely a whisper. ‘I do want to see him.’
Matt reached out for her other hand. ‘And I want to see this baby, Lara. Oh God, I want to see this baby so much. But I’m scared. And not just about losing the baby. I’m even more scared of what another loss would do to you. To us.’
Lara nodded, tears dripped from her face. ‘I know, but we have to take that chance. We have to hope.’
Matt breathed in deeply. ‘We have to accept what happened too. We can’t pretend this is a clean slate.’
‘Yes. Yes, we do. But we need to make way for this baby. We need to open ourselves up and hope that we get to keep this one.’
Matt’s eyes filled again. ‘Okay. Yes. I can do that.’ He looked down at her stomach and gently placed his hand onto it. For a few moments, they sat in silence. Then Matt spoke.
‘Hey, baby.’ He gulped. ‘Daddy’s waiting to meet you.’