The Garden of Remembrance was empty. If you didn’t know better, you could imagine you were in a really well-kept park. Bright bedding plants and shrubs had been thoughtfully arranged to provide private areas for grieving relatives. Remembrance plaques were the only indication of the purpose of the place. That and the multitude of benches positioned at tactful intervals.
It was strange being back here and taking it all in. The last time Shelley had been here, the surroundings had been a blur of hugs and handshakes and empty words of consolation. Not empty. That wasn’t fair. The words were well meant; it was the hole inside of her that had been too cavernous to fill.
She found a bench underneath a tree and sat, not even sure why she was here. All she knew was that, after opening up to Lara, the one thing she really needed to do was talk to Greg.
She looked around again. Yes, she was still on her own. Would this have felt less strange if she had a headstone to talk to? A small plot to tend? She took a deep breath.
‘I’ve come to talk to you, Greg.’
Why had she said his name? Surely if he could hear her, he would know that she was talking to him. And if he couldn’t, then she was wasting her time anyway. She took another deep breath. Stop overthinking it.
‘I’m sorry that I haven’t come before. It was difficult, I…’
For God’s sake, this was stupid. Why had she thought that this was a good idea? She closed her eyes. What did she want to say?
‘I’m not doing this right.’ Her throat constricted again. She closed her eyes and let the tightness pass. ‘I don’t even know how to do it. How to be a… a widow. I don’t feel like a widow, I just don’t feel like anything.’
She swallowed. It was painful over the lump in her throat. ‘The thing is… it was a shock. It was sudden. And I didn’t really take it in. That you were gone. Dee and your parents sorted everything out. The funeral, the paperwork for the bank, the endless forms that had to be filled in.’
Dee had been amazing. Who knew how it would all have happened if she hadn’t been there? So why had Shelley been avoiding her ever since the funeral? Because it was painful?
Another deep breath.
‘After the numbness wore off, and all the drugs they gave me at the hospital, I got angry. Really angry and I didn’t know what to do with it. I wanted to shout at you. But you can’t, can you? You can’t shout at someone who has died because that would make you a really bad person. Especially if it was someone you loved.’ Her voice croaked and she brought her fingers to her lips to steady them.
‘So, I shouted at Dee instead. I yelled at her. Told her it was her fault that all this happened. That it was because of the baby and that I had only wanted to have the baby because of her. And I told her that I didn’t want to see her because she reminded me of you but that wasn’t the reason. I just couldn’t bear to see her bump. Her baby bump.’ She put her hands up to her face in shame. ‘I can’t believe how horrible I am.’
She sat there for a while. A bird called above her head and the wind whispered through a tree off to the right. Otherwise, there was total silence. She took a deep breath and sat up again.
‘I’ve made a new friend. Ironically, she’s pregnant, but she’s been good for me. I’ve told her about you. We’ve talked about the last few months, the feeling sad and lonely and… angry.’ She paused. How could she explain the anger? The feeling that he’d abandoned her? It wasn’t logical; she knew he hadn’t chosen to go but that was exactly how it felt.
At the back of the bench was a brass plaque: For Gladys from Arthur. All my love always. Maybe she should have a plaque engraved for Greg? Maybe that would make this all seem more real. Because it wasn’t. A year on and she was still expecting him to appear from somewhere. That there had been an awful mistake.
‘The thing is, I’ve got used to the fact you’re not here. I had to. Going to work, getting the shopping, cooking for one – it’s become normal. But I can’t think about you never coming back. You were always there in my life. Always steady. Always kind and good and funny and I don’t know how to be if you’re not here.’
Her nose started to run and she rummaged in her bag for a tissue. She blew her nose loudly. The loud trumpet call that used to make him laugh. How can such a big sound come from such a small nose?
She pressed her lips together. ‘Dee was right, you know. I did change. I changed the music I listened to and the books I read and even the colour paint I liked on the walls. It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t make me. I don’t even think you were aware that I did it. For God’s sake, even I wasn’t aware that I was doing it.’
It was true. At no point did she decide that she was going to put his wants and desires before her own. It hadn’t been like that.
‘It didn’t feel like I was making sacrifices. I wanted to like the things you liked. You knew so much more than I did about everything – wine, restaurants, music – and I was happy to learn. We were a team, right? A couple. A perfect fit. But then there was something I did want. Something I wanted very much.’
The sodden tissue was no match for the tears that came now. There was still no one in the garden but she had gone past the point of caring even if there was. ‘I was so angry about the baby, Greg. I know this is crazy but it felt like I’d asked you for one thing in all our marriage and I was being punished for it. Losing a baby wasn’t bad enough – I had to lose you, too? All the feelings got mixed up and it was just too much to bear. I pushed it down and shut the door and tried everything I could not to have to face it.’
She leaned forwards so that her elbows were on her knees and her face was in her palms, and she let the grief roll over her in waves. The anger, the pain, the disappointment. Over it rolled. She let all the feelings come, one after the other, her chest battered by them like a small boat in an angry ocean.
Eventually, the tempest calmed and she righted herself. It was a relief to let these feelings loose but the pain in her chest was still there. Greg was still gone. She was still alone. This was supposed to be cathartic; it was supposed to help her process her feelings, but there was no joy that could replace the loss of the most important person she had ever known.
Back in their religious studies class, she and Dee had been horrified when their mild-mannered teacher had explained the ancient Hindu custom of suttee where a widow would throw herself onto the funeral pyre of her husband. Right now, she felt she could understand how that might come about. It was exhausting and horrible and terrifying to think about living without him. Actual living, not the existing she had been doing.
Would it have been easier if they had had a child? That’s what people said, wasn’t it? What the women on the widow forums kept saying to each other: You have to keep going for the children. But if you don’t have a child, then you have to keep going on your own. You do have to keep going though. Somehow, you have to.
‘I know now that I have to face it. I have to start accepting that you’re gone. I don’t have a choice, do I? About living again, I mean. About finding out who I am without you. I need to make a start. Make some decisions for myself.’
Like the new job that Steve wanted her to apply for. She couldn’t look to Greg for help anymore; only she could decide whether she wanted to go to the interview or not. Although at least she did have a friend who could help now. She’d call Lara as soon as she got home.