At every midwife appointment, listening to the baby’s heartbeat was Lara’s favourite part: the galloping horse sound reassured her that everything was okay. On one of her many trawls online, she’d found out about an app for her phone which would let her listen to it at home, and she had persuaded a reluctant Matt that this would help. He was reluctant because their midwife had cautioned against it. ‘If the baby is in the wrong position or you hold it at the wrong angle, you won’t be able to detect the heartbeat and then you’re going to make yourself feel worse.’ Lara had persisted. She wouldn’t listen every day. Just when she needed to. And so far, it had helped. Until today.
The whooshing underwater sound was coming through the speaker clearly, but there was no galloping. She wasn’t concerned, she just needed to move it around until she found the baby’s heart. She moved lower. Nothing. To the right. Nothing. Left. Nothing. ‘Come on, baby,’ she whispered. ‘Where are you?’
As she moved the phone around her belly, her own heartbeat was pulsing loudly in her ears. She tried to talk her anxiety down. There’s nothing to worry about. Stay calm. You’ll find it in a minute.
But she didn’t. Her brain started to race ahead. Had she felt the baby move today? Yes. This morning in bed, she had lain there for twenty minutes with her hand on her stomach, enjoying the fluttering movements. But that was four hours ago. Anything could have happened.
She called her midwife. Voicemail. Matt was in Liverpool today. No point calling him and stressing him out. Shelley? She’d had a text from Shelley last night with an email screenshot of her interview date next week. She’d also mentioned that her mother was staying over and wasn’t leaving until lunchtime; it wouldn’t be fair to interrupt their time together. They’d see each other this afternoon anyway when they went to Guildford to find Shelley an interview suit. Lara had promised Matt faithfully that she would rest all day today in preparation. This wasn’t resting: it was panic.
Another check with the Doppler and still nothing. She had to do something. She didn’t feel ill so she should have been able to drive to the hospital, but she felt too trembly to get behind the wheel. She called a cab.
The cab driver was very nice but she could really have done without his jokes about towels and hot water. Eventually, her terse replies got through and he left her to her own thoughts. She stared blindly out of the window. Please, God, don’t let this be happening again.
Should she call Matt and let him know what was happening? There was no point until she knew something: he was hours away. No point putting him through it if she didn’t have to. Oh God, she hoped she was worrying for no reason. This was their last chance. If it happened again, there was no way Matt would want to try for another baby. No way he would let her put them both through this again. One last time and then we have to accept it. He had made her promise.
The maternity ward entrance was achingly familiar. She blocked out the happy couple carrying a baby in a car seat to their car and made straight for the ultrasound department.
She must have looked terrified because – though it was totally against protocol – the receptionist managed to get her in front of a midwife. She prayed in her head as the gel squeaked onto her stomach and then…
It was there. The heartbeat. Thank God.
A warmth washed over her from head to toe as the midwife smiled. ‘All okay. Heartbeat is lovely and strong.’
Lara burst into tears. ‘Thank you. Oh, thank you so much.’
After a brief lecture from the midwife about home use of Doppler apps, Lara called a taxi and returned home. This time she did as she’d promised Matt and went to bed for a nap before she knocked for Shelley.
Waiting until they were a good fifteen minutes into their journey before she told Shelley about the events of the morning was intentional; that way she was less likely to turn around and take her back home for a rest.
However, Shelley was still concerned even after they arrived in the High Street. ‘Are you sure you should be here?’
‘I’m fine. The baby is fine. Matt isn’t due back until late this evening, and if I sit at home, I’ll end up using the damn heartbeat app again.’ It was becoming an addiction – an unhealthy addiction if the stress of this afternoon was replicated.
Shelley didn’t look convinced. ‘Okay. But we’ll take it slowly. And if you feel anything, you have to tell me. Deal?’
Lara felt more foolish than anything else. Today had been a whole lot of fuss over nothing. ‘Deal. Now, where do you want to go?’
They were stood outside a café. Shelley peered down the row of shops to their right. ‘I don’t really mind. Where’s good? Where did you go to buy your work clothes?’
It had been a while since Lara had bought any new clothes. Apart from the maternity ones she’d picked up in the charity shop. ‘All different places. House of Fraser has a lot of choice. Shall we start there?’
Shelley gave her a thumbs up. ‘Perfect. But we’ll walk slowly. There’s no huge rush.’
Lara gave her a mock salute. ‘Right. No more worrying about each other. We should be enjoying ourselves. When was the last time you bought yourself some new clothes?’
‘Probably the dress for Greg’s funeral.’
Lara put her hand to her head. She’d put her foot in it again. ‘Oh, crikey, Shelley. Sorry.’
Shelley shook her head and smiled. ‘Don’t be silly. Strictly speaking, my mum bought that one, anyway. Actually, she bought three and brought them home for me to try on. At that stage, I couldn’t have cared less if she’d made me a dress from bin bags, but she insisted that it would be easier to deal with the day if I felt comfortable and suitably dressed.’
‘There you go then.’ It must be a good sign that Shelley was starting to talk about Greg and what happened more freely in everyday conversation. ‘A new outfit can make a difference. We just need to find one that screams, “Give me that job!”’
House of Fraser’s women’s department was huge. As soon as they got there, Shelley began to flick through summer dresses, holding them away from the rail with both hands to appraise them. They looked nice enough but were definitely not what she should have been looking for, so Lara kept walking until Shelley’s voice called her back. ‘What do you think of this one?’
Lara turned and saw Shelley holding up a yellow floral dress from Coast. ‘It’s nice. I mean, it’s pretty and I’m sure it would look great on you, but if someone came to me for an interview and they were wearing a flowery dress, I wouldn’t think efficient and proactive. Your clothes say a lot about you. You need to make this work for you. Come with me. Let’s look at the office wear over there. If you don’t like it, we can come back here.’
Shelley had the kind of slim build that would look great in a tailored jacket. Why did she seem intent on hiding herself under floaty fabric or long, shapeless clothes like the striped tunic and leggings she was wearing today?
The women’s suit section was small but there were still a few options. Lara held out her right hand while her left rested on her belly. ‘So, what colour do you prefer?’
Shelley picked up the sleeve of a beige skirt suit and let it fall again. ‘How about this?’
‘Mmm.’ Lara looked at it and then her. ‘I’m not sure it goes with your colouring. How about this navy one?’ She picked a hanger from the rail and held it up.
Shelley’s arms were crossed. She shook her head. ‘No.’
Lara liked it, but fair enough. ‘The colour or the style?’
Shelley pressed her lips together, then took a deep breath. ‘Both. Look, I know you are trying to help me and I appreciate it, but this is my job interview. I need to choose the outfit I want to wear.’
Lara could have kicked herself. This was exactly what they’d talked about. How had she been so insensitive? ‘I’m sorry. I’m being so bossy! You’re completely right. I won’t say another word.’ She mimed locking her lips and throwing away the key.
Shelley looked relieved; it had obviously made her uncomfortable. ‘Don’t apologise. I was letting you do it. Old habits die hard. But it’s time for me to make some decisions for myself, right?’
Lara nodded. ‘Absolutely right. Do you want to go back and pick up that dress you liked? What size do you need?’
‘Sixteen, please.’
Was she being serious? There was nothing of her. ‘You are not a size sixteen.’
Shelley put her hands on her hips. ‘Yes, I am. I’ve been a size sixteen for about the last six years.’
Lara shook her head. ‘Maybe you were, but I’d guess you were a twelve now. Maybe even a generous ten.’
‘It’s very kind of you to flatter me but—’
Lara held up her hands. ‘Okay. I’m not going to argue.’
Five minutes later, she tried not to gloat when Shelley stuck her head out of the changing rooms. ‘Okay, you win. Can you get me a smaller size?’
Losing weight was another side effect of grief. Lara had had to force herself to eat so she could maintain a healthy weight for the fertility treatment. It would have been far easier to just not bother. Shelley had obviously been the same. ‘Did you not realise that everything you wear is baggy? You were right about the dress though; that style looks great on you. I’d definitely give you the job. Do you want me to get anything else while I’m picking up the smaller size?’
‘Yes, please. Can you grab the jacket that was next to it? The cream one?’
Cream? She had to be joking. Lara opened her mouth to suggest she went for something brighter and then closed it again. This was Shelley’s choice. ‘I’ll be back in two minutes.’
Once she had on the right size, and the cream jacket, Shelley stood in front of Lara and gave her a twirl. ‘So, what do you think?’
Lara stood back and looked at Shelley. It wasn’t what she would have chosen for a job interview but that really wasn’t important. Shelley had picked the dress that she wanted. That’s what mattered. ‘You look really great.’
Shelley was looking in the mirror again, and Lara stood behind her. Their smiling faces reflected back at them. Then another face appeared alongside them. A woman. She was speaking. ‘Shelley?’
Lara watched as Shelley’s smile froze on her face and her skin paled. They both turned. The woman stepped forwards with her arms outstretched. ‘Oh, Shelley, it is you. I’ve wanted to see you so much. How are you?’
Lara had no idea who this was, but she had the urge to move closer to Shelley to protect her. Was this another friend who Shelley had seen nothing of since Greg’s death? She didn’t want anyone to upset her friend, especially when she was just beginning to have a little more confidence in herself.
But Shelley allowed this woman to hug her, and after a few seconds, she put her arms around the woman and hugged her back. Lara moved away slightly to give them some space. When they pulled apart, still holding each other’s hands, Shelley turned to explain.
‘Lara, this is Dee.’