It is not hard to tell a healthy faith system from a toxic one. The toxic-faith system stands out with its obsessive people who victimize family members and destroy their own faith in God. The following comes from a journal of one who knows toxic faith from personal experience. Nothing worked for this young man until he worked out his faith.
I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior in April of 1974. I was sixteen and a sophomore in high school. Being raised in the Church I knew all the stories, but I did not know Jesus personally. A Sunday afternoon in the park changed all that. Then the fun really began.
My parents were busy looking for a “deeper teaching,” not a closer walk. This led them to a cult church. Like all cults it had some good, right-on Bible teachings. It also had even more interpretative twists, false teachings, and power-abusive leaders. There was even a seasonal prophet. By that I mean “HIS” prophecies always had something to do with what time of year it was. Easter had a bunny, Thanksgiving had a turkey, Christmas had a tree, etc.
Most of all the decisions for the church and congregation were made at the weekly men’s meeting. This was great if you were a man. Women did not enjoy many liberties, if any at all. They were constantly told to just submit and obey without question.
The pastor, or shepherd as he was called, had final say in everything in the lives of his flock, whether to buy a house, take a vacation, get married, and even whom to marry. Two of the women in the church were given permission to marry. One to her boyfriend, who was a member of the church, and the other one to an appointed gentleman in the church who had a small boy but had no wife to help raise him. Many people sold everything they had and gave it to the church. Then they would share housing with others in the church. My parents would later do this and live with the shepherd and his family. This eventually led to their leaving the church. It’s one thing to go to church with somebody; it’s another to live with them.
My spirit told me that this was wrong, yet I could not prove it when biblically challenged. It’s sad that we sometimes need to be challenged before we start to read the Bible. But for me it was God taking a bad situation and making it good. People from the church (usually men) started stopping by the house unexpectedly with a word of correction for me. Everything I said or did was questioned and analyzed by my parents or their friends. I started asking God questions. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Am I out of the will of God? God does not want his children fighting, does he? As I became more familiar with the Bible I was able to answer many of my parents and their friends’ questions or statements with what was truly in the Bible and show them where it was in the Bible. I soon became known as the black sheep of the family. Unfortunately, my mother told many a tall tale about what was really going on in our house to my grandparents and other relatives. She rationalized that they didn’t have as deep a walk as she had, therefore they wouldn’t understand.
Discipline was many times handled at the men’s meeting. The child offender would have to pull his or her pants down and be spanked with two male witnesses present. This was very upsetting to the young girl teenagers of the group. Fortunately, my younger sister and I were never disciplined in this manner. Being in our late teens and very strong-willed (we would not submit), we were just verbally reprimanded or grounded.
One month before I was to turn eighteen, I had a best friend chosen for me. It was the seasonal prophet. I was also informed that I was no longer allowed to date until I was eighteen. I could not date girls except those in the church, and I could not date them until I became a member of the church. Dating was also something the girls had no control over. You see, if a boy wanted to take out a girl, he didn’t ask her. He asked her father. The girl had no choice.
Upon my eighteenth birthday I was given three choices:
1. Join the church, and live at home.
2. Move out and live on my own.
3. Move into the single men’s home.
I had felt this coming on, so I had already accelerated my studies to graduate early from high school. This was not easy because I had to work thirty hours a week from the time I turned sixteen to pay for my own rent, gas, and car insurance. Also, 25 percent of my income went to the church. This was not by my choice but by my parents. I never complain now about giving 10 percent.
Two days after my eighteenth birthday I moved out of my parents’ home with the help of four friends. My parents had gone out to a meeting, making this the most opportune time to leave without a fight. The next morning, though, I got my fight. My father had come to the grocery store where I worked. Before I clocked in he asked me if I would step outside so we could talk in private. We got outside and as I turned around he “sucker punched” me. Being sixty pounds heavier and four inches taller, he was able to knock me down with one punch. He then informed me that they (mom and dad) had given my soul over to the devil for the cleansing of my spirit and that I would be dead in six months. I did agree to talk with one of the elders from my parents’ church. At the time, he was living in a trailer up on a nearby mountain. I prayed the whole way up that if I weren’t sure of discipleship being right or wrong, that I would just drive off that mountain. Not a real healthy thought.
Well, I did go into that meeting all prayed up (the only way I knew to get some good answers). After three and one-half hours I was sure God was real. I looked at the elder and saw right through him. In fact, I was able to share with him about our loving God, the one we can call Father. I left rejoicing. Later, when my parents left the church, one of their friends informed me that the purpose of that meeting was to pluck my eyes out. They felt my eyes were causing me to sin. It pays to go into battle with your armor on!
Over the next eight months I lived with friends and other members of my family. I thought about joining the military, but I felt I was needed more as a witness to my parents than in a barracks somewhere else.
Then just before Christmas my parents left the church. I wish I could say that we all lived happily ever after, but I cannot. Not yet, anyway. My dad and uncle no longer talk to each other. In fact, my uncle won’t even mention God now unless he is swearing. My parents feel that I deserted them when I left home, so they have very little to do with me or my family. I have tried to reconcile, but they do not wish to talk about it. But who knows, prayer does and will change things.
What a sad account of an actual experience with toxic faith. Too few understand that people are being exploited in this way every day. Religious addiction develops in a toxic-faith system and flourishes where other addicts build the system. Without the system that feeds into and off the addiction, the addiction would die. Every toxic system has identifiable characteristics that set it apart from healthy systems. These characteristics allow the individuals stuck in the system to play out their distinct roles in a predictable manner.
The characteristics of a toxic-faith system differentiate it from systems, churches, and ministries committed to growing people in faith and developing their relationship with God. Knowing the characteristics of a toxic system can be helpful in evaluating whether a ministry is poisonous or pure, addictive or freeing. Since we are all prone to addiction, it can also aid us in staying on track or bringing us back into balance.
Toxic Characteristic #1: The members of the toxic-faith system claim their character, abilities, or knowledge make them “special” in some way.
Members of toxic-faith systems reach a point in their addictive progression where they make claims about themselves to set themselves apart from others. They may attempt to support these claims with Scripture. Each time Scripture is used, some followers are more motivated to serve, feeling God’s special hand on the ministry and the people involved with it.
Some of the most clever deceivers in history have used Scripture to foster their toxic faith. Satan had no problems in quoting Scripture to strengthen his temptations of Christ. Matthew wrote about the incident as follows:
Then the devil took Him up into the holy city, set Him on the pinnacle of the temple, and said to Him, “If You are the Son of God, throw Yourself down. For it is written: ‘He shall give His angels charge concerning you,’ and, ‘In their hands they shall bear you up, lest you dash your foot against a stone.’ ” (Matthew 4:5-6)
Satan attempted to control Christ, manipulate him, and motivate him to do something outside the will of God. He used scriptures from the Old Testament as tools for evil. The good guys are not the only ones who use Scripture!
One pastor asserted his “specialness” by quoting the book of Revelation, where John writes:
To the angel of the church of Ephesus write,
“These things says He who holds the seven stars in His right hand, who walks in the midst of the seven golden lampstands.” (Revelation 2:1)
Now, follow this reasoning: This pastor asserted that the angel mentioned in this quotation was the pastor at the church of Ephesus. Because he, too, pastored a church, the Lord also spoke directly to him, much like he did to the pastor (or angel) at the church of Ephesus. And so, since God spoke to the pastor at the church at Ephesus in order for him to pass on God’s word to the people, God likewise spoke to him to communicate to the people of his church. Thus, he justified his special communication link with God.
This type of claim concerning divine direction is very dangerous. It places the leader above all others. Challenging the authority or accuracy of the leader is equated with challenging the very Word of God. How could anyone disagree with a leader who says he has a direct link with God? Who would want to be pitted against the Word of God? The leader knows this and uses it as a clever manipulation of the “ignorant” followers who believe in the sincerity of their toxic leader. When members of that organization challenge the motives or actions of the leader or persecutor, they are put off with statements like, “I was only doing what God asked me to do.” For those under that type of manipulation, there is no way to challenge the persecutor’s position. They either agree and obey or suffer the consequences. And religious addicts are more than eager to agree and obey.
One terribly poisonous misconception claims that God has a special calling only for certain people and everyone else needs to find something “unspecial” to do. According to the misconception, the businessperson who tries to do God’s will on the job is not as special as the leader of a church.
This premise contradicts the teaching that God has a special plan for every person’s life. In a healthy church, a pastor will encourage individuals to minister as they discover talents and gifts that can be used in serving God. The minister of pure faith will encourage everyone to consider themselves special in the eyes of God. Each person has a very special place of service designed by God, and each person should be encouraged to find it.
In a toxic system, the toxic minister sets himself or herself up as having a special destiny or mission that can be performed by no one else. This special anointing or calling is often nothing more than the pathological need to be valued or esteemed. It also takes some of the power that should be attributed to God and gives it to the toxic minister. It is a way to usurp God’s authority, and it is a way to discredit anyone who disagrees with the direction of the ministry. If others will not value the minister enough to submit to his or her dictatorial rule, God’s anointing is called in to make sure everyone understands that any waver of support is really a waver in faith in God. Those who have felt this type of manipulation should leave that church or organization immediately. But most religious addicts don’t feel it; they thrive on it (for a while).
This claim of a special touch has caused problems for people I know. The abuse of a high position to build a self-serving ego has caused unhealthy marriages to continue without healing, finances to be wasted, time to be spent in hours of futile work, and individuals who feel forsaken by a God who does not seem to care. Under the guise of special direction from God, many individuals have compromised their faith and fallen into a trap that did nothing but establish one person’s authority above any earthly accountability.
The religious addicts at the top always seem to profit from this misguided loyalty by being able to spend more, build more, or sin more, depending on the area of their lives that has deteriorated. The victimized followers—seeking a closer relationship with God but focusing more on the addicted leader than on God—lose contact with God and often fall away from faith permanently. Misguided loyalty allows the delusions of the leader to grow and destroys the faith of the loyal. The result may be financial or spiritual bankruptcy. The only hope to protect other potential victims is for the leader who claims to be God’s special officer to be forced into accountability or dethroned.
Power often corrupts. When organizations develop with little or no accountability for the leader, tremendous potential exists for the leader to fall into corruption. One church I was involved with in Texas confronted a minister about his behavior. Many issues led to the question of whether the minister should stay or go. The minister responded by saying he had started the church and that anyone disagreeing with him should leave. He claimed that God had given him a vision for the church and the means by which the church had grown. The leaders knuckled under to the pressure, and the minister retained his position. He continued with no form of accountability, and it was only a matter of time until he got into trouble again.
When ministers wield absolute authority, everyone loses, even God. This is always the case when religion serves a person instead of a person serving God.
The claim of special powers from God is another way for a person to feel valued, regardless of whether they have anything to do with God. This claim is often used to manipulate people into believing the gifted one is a great person of God. One of the scariest scriptures for these toxic ministers is found in Matthew 7:21-23:
Not everyone who says to Me, “Lord, Lord,” shall enter the kingdom of heaven.… Many will say to Me in that day, “Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?” And then I will declare to them, “I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!”
No more notorious abuse takes place than in the area of faith healing. At times God rips through the normal bonds of the universe and heals people miraculously. On some occasions he uses people to facilitate that process, and on other occasions he does not. The problem comes when some people use teachings about God’s healing power to manipulate and exploit believers.
A perfect example is the faith healer from California who claimed to know people’s afflictions, their names, where they lived, and other personal tidbits that only a miracle worker would know. Once he had established his credibility through such feats of knowledge, he would claim to heal the people of what he knew was wrong with them. The religious addicts who followed him loved to watch his magic and believed it was all real. He deceived his devoted followers into believing God revealed the needed information to him. In fact, supplied with a tiny hearing device and radio receiver, he got the information from his wife, who had gathered it before the “performances.” Confronted about the practice, he admitted that it had been part of the family tradition passed down from his minister father.
Not only did he mislead loyal and would-be followers into believing that he was hearing God, but he deceived them into believing he healed those people with the power of Jesus. The power of modern technology was portrayed as the power of the Savior of the world. He used his supposed special power to prove he enjoyed a favored position with God.
This man’s exploitation of the terminally ill, the sick, and the afflicted, and his ability to reportedly laugh about the exploitation of their finances, are unconscionable. Few things are more cruel than exploiting an individual’s search for hope. To these persons God may well say, “I never knew you.”
Sadly, the addicts who follow them may never know God either.
Toxic Characteristic #2: The leader is dictatorial and authoritarian.
Every church or ministry must have a strong leader if it is to meet the challenges of hurting people and help them grow in faith. The stronger the leader, the stronger the ministry, whether the person holds all the power or chooses to delegate everything.
Problems arise when the leader takes his or her leadership role as license to dictate whatever he or she feels is right or wrong. Those who work in such a setting find themselves either agreeing with the direction of the ministry or leaving. There is no room to compromise, since the dictatorial leader believes that everyone should submit to his or her rule without question. Those who fear for their jobs or feel they may not be able to find similar jobs will comply with the leader rather than challenge certain decisions or actions.
Often a strong leader mistakes a position of leadership for a position free from accountability. The leader will set up a toxic-faith system that allows for free rein and no accountability. There may be a board of directors, elders, or deacons, but when the authoritarian ruler picks them, he or she picks people who are easily manipulated and easily fooled. What appears to be a board of accountability is in fact a rubber-stamp group that merely gives credibility to the leader’s moves. These board members become the co-conspirators of the persecutor and permit the toxic leader to persecute without interruption. Then when a practice is called into question, such as an extremely high salary, the persecuting dictator justifies it by saying the board made the decision or approved it. The illusion of accountability becomes more dangerous than those organizations that blatantly disregard accountability.
In a toxic-faith system, the organization revolves around a dynamic leader whose vision for the ministry launched it. Many solid ministries have been started by the vision of a dynamic leader, and they are able to continue or reorganize when that leader relocates, retires, dies, or is asked to leave the organization. In a toxic-faith system, the organization would sink or discontinue without the authoritarian ruler to tell the people what to do. His or her name is all over the ministry. Without the talent and charismatic personality of that leader, there would be no reason or motivation to continue the mission. The ministry is a short-term project centered on one individual, not God. When that individual chooses to exploit and manipulate the followers, the exploitation goes unabated since there is no accountability. And when for some reason the leader leaves the ministry, it dies.
Individuals who gather around a ministry of true faith use their talents to reach out to people and serve God. They fit in their talents and abilities where God can best use them. In a toxic-faith system, talents and abilities are used to meet the needs of the authoritarian leader. His or her needs come first and must be met for the ministry to continue. The persecuted victims, blind to the manipulation and egotism of the leader, line up to assist in serving the persecutor. When the victims find out they have not served God or other followers, they usually get very angry and often must deal with feelings of betrayal and abuse, similar to recovery from an incestuous relationship.
Underneath the raging ego of the leader is a suffering person who fears being unimportant. The position of leadership may have been the first and only time the minister had any authority. He or she uses the authority to prop up feelings of inadequacy. Anyone eager to advance in the organization must never challenge the authority of the toxic-faith leader. Additionally, followers must give their complete support to the leader—and to the leader’s style of management—without criticism. Any negative comment or action is perceived as a threat. The threat is eliminated so the ministry can survive and the mission can be accomplished.
The authoritarian leader comes to power through a combination of a driven personality, tremendous talent, and loads of charisma. The individual has no problem establishing spiritual and emotional authority over religious addicts by using persuasion and manipulation. When followers see a dynamic presentation of beliefs and behaviors, they unquestioningly accept the teachings, doctrines, and dogma. The more they accept the teachings of the toxic leader, the more the leader feels the people’s dependency, and the more license the leader takes in controlling the thoughts and beliefs of his or her followers. As long as people are willing to follow, that leader will feel supported by God in whatever he or she desires to do. The leader is completely unaware that the entire exercise is being conducted to build ego rather than to serve God.
The authoritarian and dictatorial style is found in more than toxic-faith churches. It can also be found in toxic-faith families. Tim’s story echoes others where power takes control of a parent.
Tim came from a rigid religious background. His earliest memories were of his father taking him to hear a preacher who sounded more angry than godly. His father was as dogmatic at home as the preacher was at church. He thought of himself as a general in the army of God, and his family had better fall into line. Authority was not to be questioned; children were to be seen and not heard; mom’s place was in the kitchen; and no one was allowed to express any needs or desires. Tim’s father held God up as the omnipotent Overseer who waited for his children to make mistakes so that he could punish them. He portrayed God as a tyrant.
Tim’s father also justified his absence in the home and the intensity and fear he instilled in the family by blaming God. Dad could rail on the family since he was the priest of the family and the voice of God for all those who were in “submission” to him, but for everybody else, anger was one of the seven deadly sins. Tim was not allowed to watch television or play with any kids outside the church. His world overflowed with toxic rules and regulations that were to be obeyed at all costs, else the wrath of his father and God could be expected. No one hugged or kissed in his family, especially between father and son.
Tim would wonder why he couldn’t be like other kids and have fun. What was wrong with him? Why did Dad and God not like him? Why was he different?
As Tim got older, he didn’t see how he could live up to his dad’s or God’s expectations. Though a part of him wanted to be close to his father and God, it caused too much pain to get close.
Tim drifted away from God and his family. Tim became a very timid and frail man, always fearful of “screwing up.” He felt that he didn’t fit in with his family, the family of God, and society in general.
Tim finally found that he could find relief from his pain, loneliness, and boredom in drinking and in sex. Tim had found a “god” that could meet his need to numb his feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. I met Tim in a chemical-dependency unit.
Tim fell victim to his father’s toxic faith, religious abuse, and addiction. His toxic-family system allowed his father to perpetrate the delusion that God was a God only of wrath. This left Tim with a hole in his soul, a hole that Tim filled with alcohol and one-night stands with other men. For Tim, the alcohol killed the pain of never measuring up, and the sex filled the need for male attention and affirmation. The alcohol gave Tim the false sense of security; the sex and the absence of insecurity gave him the false sense of significance. If someone wanted him, even if only for sex, he still mattered. Someone finally cared for him in some way, even if it was only to use him.
To help Tim recover, we had to address the religious abuse of his past in addition to the alcohol abuse and sexual compulsivity. At this time Tim was afraid to call out to God. Fearful of his heavenly Father’s wrath, he ran from him. Tim had been running from God for a long time, and there was no reason for him to believe that God wanted anything to do with him.
Tim finally was able to identify the toxic characteristics of his family’s faith. He saw how all the family members played their toxic roles to a T. He saw that he was not crazy but a victim of craziness and toxic faith.
Tim not only gained control over alcohol and sex, he also learned the characteristics of healthy faith. Finally he was able to establish a relationship with God free from the fear of punishment and grounded in respect and love. His father’s tyranny stopped affecting his life when Tim refused to be victimized by it any longer.
Toxic Characteristic #3: Religious addicts are at war with the world to protect their terrain and to establish themselves as godly persons who can’t be compared to other persons of faith.
In their attempt to maintain and protect their beliefs, religious addicts line everyone up in two camps; there is no middle ground. A person is either part of the toxic-faith system or against it; a person is either supportive or destructive. The toxic organization fosters this mentality until its followers believe that everyone on the outside is a threat to the ministry, has no understanding of what is “really” going on, and must be ignored if they challenge the beliefs of the religious addicts. At the point of any new threat, the leader and the religious addicts are ready to go to war. Individuals who have not made a similar investment will be perceived as enemies ready to strike at any moment.
The “us versus them” mentality is evident throughout the organization and its teachings. Religious addicts go to great lengths to stress the church’s or organization’s uniqueness. Other followers will be told of ways that each possesses special knowledge and insight unavailable to others. Some ritual or practice is often utilized as the center of that uniqueness and superiority.
Consider baptism, for example. I was immersed and prefer this form of baptism, but theologians have disagreed on this subject for centuries. At times it can become the focal point of disagreement between groups. God is more interested in the heart than in the form of baptism. Yet rather than accept the different concepts and realize that God will honor the act of public dedication, whatever its form, religious addicts will insist their way is better and that the other is a tragic mistake. This attitude will be carried over into other areas as well.
The form of baptism is just one distinctive that separates denominations from one another. Each denomination is based on certain differences that allow people to affiliate with congregations and worship styles with which they are most comfortable. But when those differences are used to support an attitude of superiority, they become a source of manipulation to keep people from deserting the organization. Toxic believers condemn others, not from a fundamental foundation of belief, but from convictions on peripheral matters—say, the simple act of using water to sprinkle or to immerse.
When toxic believers propagate the “us versus them” mentality and rail against the evils of the world, they make personal attacks on the “sinners” and glorify the existence of the “saints.” They imply that they have risen above the mundane sins of the world. The message is often that this group of addicts has come to a new level of life unattained by others. When the addicts are finished with the “us versus them” teachings, no one is attracted to the group by faith. People enter into it only by manipulation.
Religious addicts often cease to react and operate like human beings. They show no compassion for the hurting or those who feel trapped in sin. Zealous addicts make sinners feel alienated and hated. The attractive, gathering nature of Christ is lost in the religious addicts’ desire to set themselves above and apart from all the rest. Self-righteousness replaces the humble service to God that probably characterized their walk of faith at the beginning.
The more toxic the belief system becomes, the stronger the “us versus them” mentality of the organization grows. The larger the system becomes, the more the addicts have to protect. As the ministry grows, it will come under closer scrutiny, and some of its toxic beliefs will be revealed as such by those who suspect the motives of the leader, the addicts who follow, and the entire organization. When these investigations begin, religious addicts are manipulated into believing that they are being attacked by the enemy. The prudent course would be to admit the mission has gotten off track, confess the wrongs, and bring it back in line with biblical teachings. But religious addicts would never do that until every other option had been taken away.
Religious addicts set up an exclusive society of toxic-faith believers. Individuals prosper and succeed by supporting the beliefs and practices of the persecuted leader. Like any other society, its rules govern and control every aspect of the society and its people. Anyone not adhering to the rules is considered an enemy of the society and everyone in it. Religious practice loses its focus on God and becomes a complicated process of furthering the society and its rules. Those in the exclusive society believe they are serving God, but they are serving a human leader and that individual’s concept of what should and should not be. Unwillingness to serve that concept will bring on the wrath of all the religious addicts.
Toxic Characteristic #4: Toxic-faith systems are punitive in nature.
Toxic-faith systems don’t have to be big to be toxic. In small churches across the world, congregations are led by toxic ministers every bit as manipulating and controlling as the head of a toxic mega-ministry. When a minister gains control of a small group, it seems that control can produce some of the most punitive forms of faith practice in existence.
One example comes from a small church in southern California. The minister was a small man who saw himself in a big way. He wanted total control over his congregation, and they allowed him to have it. The control often took very negative and punitive forms.
An unmarried woman told the pastor she had been involved in an affair with a married man in the church. She felt terrible about it and had broken off the relationship. She felt guilty and wanted to confess this to the minister and receive his help in moving back to a close relationship with God.
He was willing to help—but only after he had put her through some very stressful situations. He forced her to go to the man’s wife and confess the sin to her. He forced her to go before the congregation and confess her sin before them. He forced her to agree not to date for one year as a sign of true contrition. Rather than offer her hope, he offered her a set of iron hoops that destroyed her personally as she jumped through each one, trusting they were the way back to her relationship with God.
Contrast that to the approach Christ took when confronted with the adulterous woman. He told her accusers to search themselves, and anyone who was without sin could hurl the first stone. No one moved. Then he refused to provide a punitive system for the woman; he simply told her to go and sin no more. The woman felt the compassion of God, not his wrath (which too many ministers take upon themselves to inflict).
Another incident in the church occurred when a group questioned the minister’s morality and his relationship with a woman in the church. They did not accuse him of adultery; the group was concerned about the undue attention and affection he obtained from the woman. The pastor attacked the main accuser and demanded that anyone having anything to do with the man be removed from the church. Sides were drawn immediately to support the faithful and to punish those who doubted the minister’s integrity.
In the name of righteousness, this and other minicrusades have been carried out countless times in the church. Each punitive action divides the congregation and removes those who would attack the minister’s power. A minister addicted to power punishes and purges the system of anybody who would upset the status quo.
Those on the inside believe God is tough to follow—and the leader is willing to go to great lengths to ensure the congregation pays the price to follow. To those on the outside, the whole ministry appears negative and punitive, out of balance, and distorted—light-years away from the love, acceptance, and forgiveness freely given by God and his Son.
Toxic Characteristic #5: Religious addicts are asked to give overwhelming service.
A toxic-faith system does little to counter the compulsive workaholism of career seekers. It refuses to do this because it is so guilty of the same sin. Religious addicts are requested to serve, serve, and serve some more. They respond by becoming involved in numerous groups, committees, and meetings. They are badgered into signing up and sacrificing their families and friends to meet the system’s needs. They believe they serve God, but really they serve their own egos as they seek greater notoriety within the system’s hierarchy.
This level of service often becomes overwhelming. People become so drained that they can’t think clearly. Their emotions distort. Overwhelmed religious addicts commonly suffer from deep depression, extreme anxiety, and a general numbness. Activity takes precedence and dries their souls, leaving many feeling hopeless and some the victims of total breakdowns. Leaders in the system wonder why so many become involved but then fall away from the faith. Why? They burn out through the service demands of the system.
It is hard for addicts to see that activity has become central to their practice of faith. They are caught up in doing things rather than serving God. Not everyone is Mother Teresa; not everyone has her gifts or her support system. Leading lives of overwhelming service does not put addicts in the religious hall of fame; it puts them in the hospital or breaks their relationships. Only when the whirlwind stops can God reenter as the focus of faith.
Toxic Characteristic #6: Many religious addicts in the system are physically ill, emotionally distraught, and spiritually dead.
Many toxic systems claim to free people from all problems: emotional, spiritual, and physical. The irony is that the systems accomplish just the opposite. Yet religious addicts are determined to hide their real feelings and thoughts and present a happy, peaceful glow. They suppress all discomfort to maintain an image of perfection.
The pain that is buried is buried alive, so it surfaces in the form of emotional despair and physical illness. Religious addicts often suffer from chronic back pain, headaches, eye problems, arthritis, asthma, and hundreds of other complaints. They fight to deny their physical and emotional conditions, often until it is too late to provide effective treatment.
It is not easy living in an unreal world. Addicts have to do drastic, desperate things to maintain unreal beliefs. Denial becomes a quick and easy tool until both physical and emotional trauma break religious addicts’ facades of perfection. The followers in pain find relief only when they break down and are forced to examine their true condition and limitations.
Sharon came from a rigid religious background and was a pained follower. Throughout her life church authorities reminded her of her “total depravity,” which she interpreted to mean that she had no worth or value and that all she needed was Jesus. Unfortunately, the only Jesus she knew was the one of religion. The more she failed to find emotional relief, the more she thought her sin and depravity were to blame. The more she tried to be perfect, the more she failed. Sharon’s religion highlighted her inadequacies rather than taught her about the Christ who loved her. Her toxic faith focused on performance rather than on a relationship.
Sharon numbed her feelings with overeating. The more she ate, the more she repented and asked Christ for deliverance. The more she sought Christ’s acceptance, the more she invested herself in her toxic faith. She worked hard at church to find her salvation. The more she tried to be perfect to merit God’s intervention, the more she saw the hopelessness of ever being good enough. The more she saw the fruitlessness of ever being good enough, the more she ate. The more she ate, the more she believed that she needed Christ to deliver her. And so the vicious cycle of addiction took root. Like the hamster on the hamster wheel, the more she tried, the faster she went nowhere, until exhaustion forced her to begin looking for help outside her toxic family of faith.
When Sharon initially sought help, she had no idea that her toxic faith was a major factor in her feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness. She believed that if she could get her eating under control she could be “more perfect” and that God could then accept her. Her toxic thinking suggested that if she could get this “sin” out of her life, then God could love and accept her.
Since her eating disorder was firmly entrenched in religious addiction, part of her treatment had to address her toxic faith. It was difficult for her to acknowledge that she was hurt and angry with God and that she was bitter at having to perform for him to merit his acceptance. Breaking through her denial about her feelings toward God allowed her to open up to the idea of a loving God.
She began to realize that the God she knew was the god of religion, the god of her toxic faith who demanded performance for acceptance, the god who demanded that she clean up her act before he would hear her petitions.
We explored how her faith overflowed with toxic thinking. Sharon thought in terms of all or nothing. She was either in or out of God’s will, with no gray areas. She never considered the truth that as we learn how to live and know God, we are going to make mistakes—and that it isn’t bad, it’s human. Much learning is the process of trial and error. The issue is to learn from our mistakes and not judge them.
Though Sharon knew the scriptures on grace, she never was able to experience it. For her, grace depended upon behavior. Relief swept over her when she began to realize she didn’t have to earn God’s grace. Since she could reach out and find someone who understood and could help, she realized that God had heard her petitions and had extended his grace by directing her to a place where she could get help.
Sharon found comfort in her eating-disorder group and discovered that many of its members were also running from the same feelings she had. Some shared how their toxic faith had incapacitated them and kept them in bondage.
She began to explore how her toxic faith had enslaved her. She began to question. She began to identify, with the help of others and a trained professional, the toxic characteristics of her faith and how they tied into her need to alter her mood and to stuff her feelings. She began to see how her faith did not free her, but in fact, condemned her—which worsened her feelings of inadequacy.
With the help of others, Sharon began to identify how the twelve-step process could help her understand and gain freedom from bondage. For the first time, Sharon began to experience unconditional acceptance from group members and from the loving God of the Bible. She gained strength and courage to live life more freely and fully, no longer a pained follower.
Toxic Characteristic #7: Communication is from the top down or from the inside out.
Communication in a toxic-faith system isn’t a two-way street. Information is considered valid only if it comes from the top of the organization and passes down to the bottom, or issues from within the organization and is shared with the outside. Religious addicts stake out their positions and refuse to honor differences of opinion. Those at the top no longer hear of the perceptions and needs of the people, and the addicts on the inside no longer care about the needs of those on the outside.
Religious addicts develop extremely selective hearing and respond only to those things they perceive as important. Anything that doesn’t fit into what they already believe will probably go unheard. With an attitude of spiritual superiority, religious addicts tell themselves that they are always in greater touch with God’s truth, more sensitive to God’s will, and more worthy of being listened to than anyone else.
A similar system of closed communication exists in many families, and religious addicts often come out of these family systems. Closed communication is especially common with fathers and children. A father may not take the time to communicate with his children because he considers their opinions insignificant. A father with “more important things to do” will not plug into the needs, thoughts, and feelings of his children. So he remains ignorant of them. He values only his words to direct and punish them. The children feel inadequate to express themselves and their desires. A religious addict raised in this type of home recreates it in the organization. The organization eventually becomes ineffective because it loses touch with the people it is designed to serve—just like a father loses touch with his children.
In many toxic organizations, someone is “assigned” to close off unwanted communication for the leader. This individual is to placate those who disagree and satisfy those who want a direct voice to the leader. The person running interference knows that his or her job is to never tell the leader anything other than what is desired. The toxic system discounts the importance of the individual.
Open communication values people and allows them to be heard and feel heard. They are treated as equals and the organization or ministry truly listens so it can focus on those needs. In closed communication, the top of the organization loses touch with human needs because those at the top do not care about the people they are supposed to serve. The religious addicts who follow also cease to care for people in need.
Toxic Characteristic #8: Rules are distortions of God’s intent and leave him out of the relationship.
When religious addicts create a toxic-faith system, they lose God in the process. In God’s place, they implement rules that serve only to further the empire of religious addiction. As new recruits enter the toxic-faith system, they are indoctrinated into the rules rather than strengthened in a relationship with God. The rules reinforce addiction, not faith. Addiction leads to conformity to a predictable pattern of behavior, often blocking any faithful following of God.
One toxic-faith system takes great pains to ensure that dress and hair styles conform to antiquated beliefs about what is becoming to God. All group members dress the same, wear their hair the same, and look the same. There is no room for individuality. Parents squelch an adolescent’s desire to find uniqueness and develop a separate personhood. Conformity is paramount. So little room for individuality exists that the kids rebel by the droves. When they do, they are considered outcasts and of little importance compared to the few who are willing to stay inside the system, follow the rules, and reproduce the addiction structure.
Some toxic-faith systems place less value on appearance than on behavior. They believe their rules accurately interpret God’s standards, and they expect others who participate to adhere to the rules. Such faith systems are based on “don’ts” rather than a faith centered on God. What one does is valued more than who one is. Because many young people never discover who they are, they develop into robotic duplicates who believe life is found in the implementation of rules.
It is hard for these toxic-faith practitioners to realize that Christ rejected the rigid, legalistic religious system of his day. He would pick grain on the Sabbath if it meant meeting a need. When the rules said not to heal, he healed anyway if it would bring a person closer to God.
Faith always has been more than a list of dos and don’ts. Standards make up only one part of faith. When they become the main focus, faith grows rigid and legalistic.
Toxic Characteristic #9: Religious addicts lack objective accountability.
Lack of objective accountability is a central theme for all areas of toxic faith. If religious addicts entered into healthy, accountable relationships with others, toxic faith could not flourish. Anyone who claims to be so tied into God that he or she does not need to be tied into people is a religious addict guaranteed to fail in faith and in ministering to the needs of others. God never intended for anyone to be so focused on him that they had no need to stay connected with people. No one’s faith can be free from accountability to others. Lack of accountability is a clear sign of lack of faith in God and the presence of a faith in self.
When toxic-faith practices come under scrutiny, the religious addict reacts predictably: “I am accountable only to God.” No one is accountable only to God. We are all accountable to the government. A married person is accountable to a spouse. Anyone asserting accountability to God alone either is not thinking clearly or has a terrible sin to hide. When a religious addict makes such an assertion, followers should clear out of that ministry if change is not immediately implemented. A person accountable only to God is a person out of control.
Under the reign of a toxic-faith leader operating without accountability, religious addicts also tend to avoid accountability. They become little generals in a toxic army that they claim no one outside the organization can understand. This cuts off all others and arms them with the right to do as they please. These little generals follow orders from their leader, believing they are on a mission from God, and refuse to listen to any input from outside.
Severing accountability eliminates much of the possibility of turning toxic believers away from the organization and back to a true faith in God. They continue as part of the system and at times are driven into total disbelief in God.
Toxic Characteristic #10: The technique of labeling is used to discount a person who opposes the beliefs of the religious addict.
Labeling attempts to dehumanize critics so that dismissing them or their opinions becomes much easier. The religious addict chooses not to address a critic individually but places a negative label on all who would disagree with his or her personal habits. Rather than say that John Smith has asked some questions, the addict proclaims that there are “detractors,” “traitors,” or “malcontents” who would destroy the ministry or organization. The labels become rallying points used to squelch a revolt. Once the label is in place, it becomes more difficult to see that person as a human with real needs and the potential for good judgment.
John had been with the church from the beginning, and all ran smoothly until he began to disagree with the pastor about certain interpretations and applications of Scripture. Suddenly, although John had faithfully taught Sunday school for years, he was labeled a troublemaker.
John drafted a letter to the pastor about his concerns, but before sending it he asked an elder for his response. Before John had decided what to do, the elder informed the pastor about the contents of the letter. And that was it. The pastor determined John had gone too far and that he was trying to undermine the ministry. Hadn’t he shared his concerns with an elder, and didn’t that prove his guilt? The pastor immediately called John at his place of work and informed him that he was no longer going to be allowed to teach. Neither was he welcome at church anymore. He was a traitor and needed to repent of his rebellious spirit. Because the pastor called John a traitor, the church staff forgot they were dealing with a person who had been a part of the congregation since the beginning. If John believed something contrary to what the pastor believed, they felt John’s belief had to be traitorous.
From the pulpit the pastor preached on how a little leaven spoils the lump and how the congregation needed to expel those who would corrupt them. In an instant, John and his family were no longer friends of those with whom they had fellowshipped over the years. They were “traitors” who had “betrayed” the pastor and therefore needed to be expelled. Yet what John had done was simply to disagree with authority. At no time had he condemned anything the pastor had preached, and he had shared his concerns with only a select few in leadership.
This nasty turn of events devastated John and his family. Their lives had revolved around the church for so long that they had cultivated very few friends outside the church. Rejected and abandoned by those they had trusted and cared for, John’s family felt broken and in pain because the system could not tolerate difference. John was no longer a person with feelings and intellect, but a traitor with a rebellious spirit. This toxic faith enabled the delusion that each person has a right to his or her own relationship to God—as long as it lines up with the system. By labeling John and by persuading other church members to believe that label, the insecure pastor was able to avoid dealing with disagreement.
The military uses labeling to enhance the “killability” of the enemy. The last thing a military leader wants a soldier to think about is that the person in his rifle sights may be a father of five little girls who will starve without a daddy. The enemy is given an ethnic label in an effort to dehumanize him. The soldier is better able to kill one hundred of them than one father or husband.
Religious addicts use the technique well, and when they use rumor and innuendo to kill the reputation of a sincere critic, other followers are more apt to go along if a label can dehumanize the dissenter.
The purpose of labeling is to separate and divide. In our society, someone who has conservative beliefs is labeled a fundamentalist. The label no longer describes the approach by which that person evaluates life; it now describes the person. Someone who considers fundamentalist views to be narrow focuses on the holder of those views and labels him narrow-minded. The approach is transferred to the person’s individuality. The person is shamed and demeaned for beliefs that have little to do with the person’s value or unique gifts from God. Disqualification by labeling hurts the victims and allows persecutors to continue in their toxic faith. It is sheer poison.
I believe abortion is a sad choice; I’m not for it. Because I care deeply about this issue, I have been sensitive to the use of labeling within the abortion debate. Those who stress the woman’s right to choose label their pro-life opponents “anti-choice” and “anti-women.” Those who stress the personhood of the unborn label their opponents “pro-abortion” or “pro-death.” The technique works well to form sides and rally the troops, but the labels don’t reflect the true depth of belief on either side.
Most people labeled pro-abortion don’t really think it’s a good method of birth control. Some will even admit that they consider it a form of killing. They believe a mother should not take illicit, addictive drugs during pregnancy, so naturally they would not agree to kill the child during pregnancy. They’re not really fighting for abortion. They perceive a world where men make all the decisions for women, and they want out of that world. They take a stand for abortion because they see it as a move to independence from male-dominated thinking. They do not hold abortion but the independent right of a woman to control her body to be most dear.
For the most part, those labeled anti-choice don’t believe a man should make the decisions about a woman’s body. They wouldn’t condone a man force-feeding a birth-control pill down a woman’s throat. They are not out to use submission as an excuse for exploitation. They believe in choices for women. But just as they do not believe that a child should be murdered when it is one week old after birth, they do not think a human life should be willfully terminated before birth. The freedom to choose is eliminated by the law after birth, and they want it eliminated before birth. The complication comes because the child grows within a female’s body. They would say they are not anti-choice, but all choices must have restrictions, this one being the taking of life.
Because it is difficult to rally against rational-thinking people who have distinctly different views, labels must be used to polarize the opponents and energize the followers to fight those opponents. The enemy is disqualified so the difficult issue underlying the enemy can be avoided. The potential to find truth in the opposition’s argument is destroyed when labels are used. Who wants to listen to a narrow-minded bigot? Since a narrow-minded person challenging your position is of no consequence, that person is eliminated as a competent opponent.
Labeling discounts and dismisses the opposition and establishes the superiority of religious addicts. It does not invite the exploration of the beliefs of others; it reduces them to objects of scorn. Labeling becomes the perfect weapon to attack the enemy or defend the toxic-faith system, its beliefs, and addictive practices. Labeling allows religious addicts to define truth, uphold that truth as defined, and destroy anyone who would dare to question that truth.
Knowing the characteristics of a toxic-faith system enables individuals to evaluate the characteristics of their church or organization. When members of toxic-faith systems identify them as such, there is hope that multiple generations of abuse will discontinue.
At last, followers can see and feel manipulation by religious addicts. The persecution will stop when they refuse to be victimized. When many victims move away from the system, the toxic leader may be forced to become accountable, while other addicts may recognize the reality of their compulsions. This may force religious addicts back into a real relationship with God, free of ego, manipulation, and the victimizing of those outside the system.
Toxic-Faith Characteristics