L I L L Y

 

Her feet hung over the end of the bed. Daddy promised her a big bed—and a new wardrobe—once they were certain the growth spurt had stopped. Not long ago her bedroom had been a favorite place. Now, the stuffed toys were too small to hug and the dollhouse miniatures were like slippery peanuts in her clumsy hands. The top of her bookcase hid a layer of dust which she otherwise wouldn’t have seen. Instead of cleaning it, she’d used a finger to spell out her name.

Her exposed toes grew cold in the dark.

The dark bred the doubts that crept toward her throat, threatening to strangle her.

She had never wished for a mommy before—Daddy’s love was an endless ocean. (Though oceans weren’t truly endless, but they were vast, and deep, and the birthplace of all living things.) Even when Lilly grew distressed—“it’s my fault”—because Mommy died while giving birth to her, Daddy always said “No no, you are the gift that keeps on giving.” But now….

In the dark of her bedroom….

As her knees hummed like the deep bass of a loud song….

She hoped she wasn’t being disloyal just to wonder, to ponder the possibility that a mommy might find a better temporary solution than the Big & Tall Men’s Store, or men’s basketball shoes. Maybe a mommy would sew her a sundress out of a pretty fabric shower curtain. And shopping for a bra with a mommy wouldn’t be weird. Lilly hadn’t needed a bra before, but the whole of her had grown exponentially (minus some bits and pieces). Her little buds were now small boobs; at least they weren’t as out of proportion as her hands and nose.

As Lilly turned over to get more comfortable, her thick hips dug into the thin mattress. Maybe a mommy wouldn’t be as afraid of her as a daddy. Maybe a mommy would say “Girls grow buttercup, suck it up” to anyone with a questioning gaze. She understood some of Daddy’s fears: What if she outgrew their house? What if she outgrew the world? But she hadn’t yet, and while she’d never given much thought to the variables of human size, she knew she wasn’t beyond being a person—though she was beyond the accepted norms for a girl.