As usual, Ben and his grandpa went to lunch after church. This time at a popular pancake house. After ordering, Ben took his phone from his pocket and laid it on the table next to his knife and spoon. The screen remained empty of any message notification.
“Why don’t you call her?” Grandpa asked.
He met the older man’s gaze. “Do you think I should? I don’t want to intrude.”
“You care about her, Ben. Showing your concern isn’t the same as intruding. Or at least it needn’t be.” Grandpa gave him a searching look. “My boy, I wonder if you realize that you’ve changed since you met her. You’re . . . happier.”
“Happier?”
His grandfather took a sip from his water glass, looking as if he was gathering his thoughts before continuing. “Son, you were lost in your troubles for a lot of years. Then, after you got sober, you needed to work your program. You needed to be well grounded in both your sobriety and your faith. And you did that. Since then, you’ve given of yourself generously in many circumstances to many people. You’ve sponsored other men in recovery. You’ve helped in various ministries at the church. And now you’re pouring yourself seven days a week into this equine therapy barn and all it entails.”
He nodded, not sure where his grandfather was going.
“But you’re like a doctor who’s on call 24/7. Ben, you are allowed to have a life of your own. You are permitted to be happy.”
“I am happy.”
“You can’t fall in love if you don’t open your heart to the possibility.”
“Love?” He drew back in his chair. “Whoa! Are we talking about Ashley again? She’s a friend, Grandpa.”
As if to question his own words, he remembered the moment he’d almost kissed her. He remembered the way he eagerly anticipated the next time he would talk to her, the next time he would see her.
“Friendship is a good place to begin. She’s a nice girl, and I can see that the two of you have a lot in common. You enjoy her company. You’re at ease with her in a way I haven’t seen you with other single women. I just don’t want you believing you don’t deserve more, that you don’t deserve love and a family. God’s plans are often more than we expect. We simply have to be open to them.”
Ben wondered if his grandfather was right about him. Had he closed himself off from something God might want for him? Then again, wasn’t the Christian life one of sacrifice and service to others? Weren’t they told to put others first, before self?
“Remember,” Grandpa continued, “we can become so busy doing good things for God that we miss the best things He intends for us.”
* * *
When Ben returned to the farm an hour and a half later, he took a walk with Dusty, much as he’d done the day before with Ashley. He tried to envision all of the changes he had in mind, but he couldn’t quite see them without her at his side. Finally, he quit trying. He pulled out his phone.
Ben: How are you? How’s your brother? Is there anything I can do? You remain in my thoughts and prayers.
He waited as the text was sent and saw the notification that it had been delivered. He hoped for an immediate response. It didn’t come. After a long while, he slipped the phone back into his pocket and strode to the barn. Maybe some physical labor would take his mind off of Ashley until she responded. He would begin by finishing that last stall in the barn. After that, he would mow the area to the west of the barn and chicken coop where he’d already staked out the site of the new indoor and outdoor arenas.
* * *
Ashley stared at the message on her phone.
Ben: How are you? How’s your brother? Is there anything I can do? You remain in my thoughts and prayers.
Tears blurred her vision. She wanted to answer Ben, but what could she say? She wasn’t ready for him to know about Dylan. Especially since she didn’t know if her brother would be found. Perhaps he’d escaped north and found a way to cross the border into Canada. Perhaps he’d had the help of one of his friends, and now they were hidden in some cabin in a dense forest, far from authorities. And what if, despite everything, he’d found lasting sobriety? Would she want him sent to prison in the midst of that success?
After blinking away the tears, she checked the time. “Mom, I’ve got to go home. I need to take care of the dogs and horses.” She stood. “If you want me to come back afterward, I can.”
Her mom’s eyes were red rimmed and bleak. “No. You don’t have to come back. I’m all right.”
“Are you sure?” She stepped over to her mom and kissed the crown of her head.
“I’m sure.”
“Then I’ll call you later. And of course you know to call me if anything comes up.”
Her mom sighed. “I will.”
“Try not to worry too much.”
Ashley knew it was useless advice. No matter what she said, her mom would worry about Dylan. She’d been worrying about him for years. It was an old, ingrained habit by this time. A well-deserved one.
Taking a deep breath, she left her mom’s house. She’d driven a few miles before she realized her eyes were squinted against a throbbing headache. If she had her way, when she got home she’d go straight inside, curl up on her bed, pull a blanket over her head, and stay there until the world righted itself again. But she had responsibilities, and she’d never been one to shirk them.
She finished the chores with her usual efficiency, but at the end, she lingered inside Remington’s enclosure. Pressing her forehead against the mare’s neck, she breathed in the familiar horsey scent. It soothed her fractured nerves, helped her feel that not everything had gone wrong.
Ben drifted into her thoughts. She envied the serenity that seemed to surround him, like the air he breathed. She envied his quiet strength. Even when he was uncertain about details, he didn’t fear the future. So different from her. She wished—
“Ash.”
The whispered word almost didn’t penetrate her thoughts.
“Ash.”
She stepped back from the horse and turned. At first she saw no one, but then she found him, in the shade of the elm tree. “Dylan?”
“Will you let me go inside?”
She shouldn’t. She knew she shouldn’t. “Are you alone?”
“I’m alone.”
“All right. I’m coming.” She gave Remington one last pat on the neck, then left the enclosure and strode quickly toward the back door.
Dylan entered the house right on her heels. “Thanks. I was afraid somebody would see me.”
“You should be afraid. The police have a warrant out for your arrest. What were you thinking, Dylan?”
Defiance flashed across her brother’s face. “I was thinking I wanted out of that hellhole. I had enough.”
He was high. She saw it in his eyes, heard it in his voice. A day after running off, he’d managed to get drugs or alcohol or both.
Stiffly, she said, “You can’t stay here. They’ll be expecting you to come to either Mom or me. They’ll be watching. You’ve got to go.”
“I didn’t ask to stay. Don’t want to. Don’t need you looking down your nose at me. But I need some money. Just enough to help me get as far away from Idaho as I can go. They’re not going to search far. It’s not like I’m a real criminal.”
Not a real criminal. Stealing from a doctor’s office didn’t count in his book. She drew a long, slow breath. “I don’t have any money to give you, Dylan.”
He swore beneath his breath.
“I really don’t have it. I don’t keep cash on hand. You know that.” He also knew why she didn’t keep cash on hand. He was the reason. She’d learned that no matter where she hid it, he would find it.
“You can feed those nags out there, but you can’t help out your own brother?”
She knew this dance of manipulation and guilt. She’d performed it with Dylan for a lot of years. “I’m sorry. I can’t help.”
“You mean you won’t.”
“I can’t. As in, I’m unable to do it.”
For an instant, the rage in her brother’s eyes made her wonder if he might strike her. Instead, he took a step back. “If you won’t do it, will you ask Mom to help me?”
“Dylan, Mom’s tapped out. Do you have any idea how much money she poured into lawyer fees for you? Money she couldn’t afford and didn’t have.”
“Let me ask, then.” He held out his hand. “Let me use your phone.”
She tried to decide the best thing to do. She wanted to protect her mom. But wasn’t that another form of control? She couldn’t be her mom’s protector any more than she should try to protect and control her brother. “All right.” She gave him the phone.
He dialed quickly, waited, then said, “Mom . . . Yeah, it’s me . . . No, I’m okay. But I need to borrow some money . . .”
Borrow. Hearing the word made Ashley want to scoff. As if Dylan ever paid anybody back who gave him money.
“Meet me across from McDonald’s. The one near your office.” He looked at Ashley, as if about to ask a question. He must have figured out what her answer would be. “It’ll take me awhile to get there. I’ve gotta call a friend for a lift.”
Should she be ashamed of herself for making her brother find another ride? Was she refusing to help him for his own best interests, or was she being selfish, as he’d implied? It was so hard to know.