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As Maddie had promised, she woke acting like her old self and lectured me until I made my break for the shower. Since we were at sea for the day, she insisted we go to breakfast on the Lido deck and spend the day together, catching up.
“I still think you should see Dr. Bowman.” I’d taken the liberty of looking up the doctor in the ship’s directory and now knew exactly where the Medical Officer was located.
“I’m fine. Stop worrying about me. I was simply overtired and when I got upset...” seeing the guilt wash over my face, she stopped mid-sentence. “Look Lexi, I know I was the one to push you and Ethan together. I just wanted you to enjoy some of this trip. He seemed like such a nice young man.”
“He is...” I realized my voice had ratcheted up to a shrill whine as other passengers stared. “It wasn’t Ethan’s fault,” I said more calmly.
“Clearly.” Maddie eyed me suspiciously. “The way you two were going at it, I have to assume you’ve had some experience with boys.”
My face grew hot and I set my fork down. Embarrassment be damned, I resented her insinuating I was a slut. “Actually, it was my first kiss...ever.”
Her gaze softened and she shook her head. “I’m sorry, Lexi. Maybe I overreacted, but I am responsible for you while you’re with me, and I can’t risk having you get into that kind of trouble. It could destroy your life and ruin Ethan’s plans for medical school and a future.” Her comment the night before about my mother getting “herself” pregnant hit me squarely. Amanda and I had figured out long ago that Mom was already pregnant when she and Dad got married, but hearing the resentment in Maddie’s voice, it finally made sense why she never liked my mom. It seemed she blamed her for getting pregnant and ruining her son’s life.
“It almost sounds like you’re saying it would have been better if Amanda and I hadn’t been born.”
Maddie’s eyes went wide. “Of course that isn’t what I meant at all. Your mother and father were thrilled to have you both. I’m simply saying that it wasn’t easy, and you and Ethan are too young to have to make those kinds of sacrifices. Besides, you barely know each other.”
“It’s not like we’re sleeping together or having sex!” Another curious glare from the lady next to us—a woman with enough wrinkles to look like a state highway map—reminded me again to lower my voice. “And it looks like we won’t be getting to know each other any better. I told Ethan last night that I can’t see him anymore. Does that make you happy?” My voice may have been softer but there was no less edge to it.
Maddie let out a sigh. “No. It doesn’t make me happy. Contrary to what you may think, adults do not enjoy making teenager’s lives miserable. I’m only trying to protect you. I thought it would be nice for you to have a friend your own age to hang out with on this trip, but clearly, your feelings have gone beyond friendship.”
I threw my napkin on top of my half-eaten plate of food and sighed, frustrated. “I haven’t had time to even think about how I feel.” I slumped in my chair. “All I know is that it felt...good to be close to a boy, to like him in that way. I’ve never met anyone like Ethan before—someone I wanted to be with.” Confusion mingled with a deep ache in my chest, bringing tears to the surface before I could stop them. I looked away and stared at the clear blue water of the outdoor pool glistening in the sun. It was early morning and already seniors were staking their claim to lounge chairs and dipping into the pool for a few laps.
“I hate to see you so unhappy, sweetheart. I know how tenderhearted the teen years can be. I was a girl once too, you know. I understand what it’s like to fall head over heels in love. It’s the most wonderful and terrifying feeling in the world, and everyone should have the chance to experience it at least a few times in life.”
I kept my gaze locked on the pool, determined not to let my tears fall in front of my grandmother. Instead, I plastered on a fake smile.
“I’m not in love. I’ll be fine, Maddie. Don’t worry about me, okay?”
Her face morphed from concern to relief, and then her lips curved upward. “I know. We’ll have a girl’s day. What do you say to a mani-pedi, a new hairstyle, and a little ship-board shopping? Then we can take in a round of shuffleboard, play a game of Bingo, and try one of those cooking classes this afternoon.”
“Sounds great,” I lied through the tightness in my jaw. I would have rather had a dental appointment, but I didn’t want to run into Ethan, and I wanted to keep an eye on Maddie to make sure she had no further episodes. Besides, I would have done anything to change the subject and stop talking about my feelings. A painful ache had taken up residence in my chest after my hasty good-bye with Ethan, and I couldn’t imagine it going away any time soon. The sad and hurt expression on his face was etched into my brain, and part of me longed to replace it with an image of him smiling and happy again.
∞∞∞
I followed Maddie around all day, humoring her and trying to act like I wasn’t miserable. Fake it til you make it—a common mantra in a grief group I’d been forced to attend as part of my counseling—came to mind.
As it was, the mani-pedi turned out to be a good idea. Tension melted out my toes as the young woman massaged my feet and calves. I relaxed a fraction and let my guard down, recalling the Medusa Lady’s suggestion to be in the moment and appreciate the “good stuff” in life. She was big on not letting the pain of the past or fear of the future keep me from discovering the miracles in all the little moments.
Thoughts of Ethan pushed through, and I shoved them back, determined to stay strong and focused on the now—without him in the picture. I even risked sitting in the hairdresser’s chair and having her give my shaggy mop a “fresh look.” Styled in a short messy cut with dark strands fingering out along my neckline and others feathering forward to frame my face, I had to admit, the look suited me, and the bangs hung low over my brow just the way I liked.
Next, we headed to the shops on mid-deck. Maddie picked out a new outfit for her and after some minor begging, I convinced her to let me try on the short skirt and boots I’d been admiring in the window all week. The boots were uber-expensive, but once I had them on, Maddie insisted she get them for me, if only to see me smiling. She seemed hell-bent on making up to me for ruining my blossoming romance. When she saw me admiring a beautiful silver bracelet with a dolphin inlaid with some kind of New Zealand seashell material called Paua, which looked like polished abalone, she came up beside me.
“Dolphins always remind me of Amanda,” I said. “They were her favorite,” I added with a small smile, a rush of warmth seeping in for the first time in connection with the memory.
“Can I get that for you?” Maddie wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “Maybe the dolphin can have some new meaning to you—a reminder of our trip to Europe—a new beginning.”
“A new beginning,” I repeated, staring at the sparkling shell. “That would be nice.” It was all I could say without tears welling in my eyes. Was there such a thing? The idea that I could somehow start over—do things differently this time around—make the right decisions when it came to hard choices. I slipped the bracelet onto my wrist next to Amanda’s charm bracelet as Maddie paid the cashier. Adjusting the cool metal so the two bracelets sat together, I wondered if somewhere, Amanda was experiencing a new beginning.
As we left the store, Maddie handed me a small box.
“It’s the necklace that goes with the bracelet and an extra set of earrings for all those holes in your ears.”
Chuckling, I grinned. “Thanks, Maddie. I love them.”
“And I love you.” She laid her palm against my cheek. “I hope you’ll always remember that, sweetheart.”
I hugged my grandmother, grateful not only for the cool gifts, but for the opportunity to get to know her, spend time with her, and remember that my dad had once been her little boy. I could see him in her eyes and when she smiled a certain way, warm memories of my father’s laughter touched my heart, bittersweet but welcomed. I pulled back and swallowed past the lump in my throat, anxious to lighten the mood again.
“I love you, too...Grandma.” My lips twitched.
Maddie turned a mock glare on me and tugged on my cheek with enough pinch to make me squirm. “Don’t call me Grandma.”
After we dropped our bags in our room, we walked arm in arm to the upper deck and joined in a mean game of shuffleboard with several other seniors. Maxine and Joel Hirschman from L.A and a mousy couple named Carl and Mitzie Jones from Austin, Texas, turned out to be formidable opponents. But with Maddie’s determination and my unparalleled shuffleboard skills, we took the lead and won both games.
Maddie high-fived me. “Way to go, darling! Who knew you inherited the Hartman competitive spirit?”
“It’s nice to finally be good at something. Maybe I have a future in shuffleboard. Isn’t it an Olympic event somewhere?”
Maddie laughed and set down her cue, saluting the elderly couples who shuffled off to their next event. “I’ve got a hundred bucks that says I win at Bingo.”
“I have nothing to bet with.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll think of something I want.” Maddie’s cryptic remark and confident tone made me wary.
We strolled past the smoky casino and headed for the piano bar lounge where today’s Bingo would be held. People passed us by several at a time. The pulse in my temple pounded. I half-expected to see Ethan somewhere in the crowd. I wondered where he was and what he was doing, and wished I could be with him...wished I could tell him I was sorry and kiss him again.
My thoughts were interrupted when we entered the bar a few minutes early for the game and stumbled upon the pianist entertaining the crowd with old American Standards. Maddie and I settled into chairs set around a small cocktail table. Everything on board the ship managed to be comfortable and elegant despite being bolted to the floor. As much as I tried not to think about it, I was reminded again that we were at sea and my stomach gave an involuntary roll. To my endless gratitude, I hadn’t really suffered from seasickness since we’d been on the trip, but it was clear to me that I would never really have my sea legs under me. I ordered a club soda and focused my attention on the pianist, an older gentlemen in a black tuxedo and bow tie who was playing a sweet rendition of “Someone to Watch over Me.”
The gathering crowd applauded as he played out the final notes and bowed his head. He spoke into the mic, “Here to entertain you all with his brilliance in calling out the Bingo winning numbers is one of our volunteer guests, a young man all the way from the lovely state of New York, Ethan Kaswell!”
My stomach dropped and my gaze shot to the side of the stage where Ethan made his entrance. Simultaneously, Maddie and I muttered, “Oh, dear God.”