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While checking all of Ethan’s usual hotspots, beginning with the dining hall, I came across the wall of photos that changed daily and had the latest pictures of passengers as they disembarked in port the morning before. I searched the wall until my gaze fell on a picture of Ethan and me at the start of our day in Santorini. His arm hung loosely around my neck, and I had mine tucked behind his waist, my head resting on his shoulder. The happy couple grinned back at me, and a shard of regret and longing pierced my heart.
Glimpses of happiness seemed to come at a price—always accompanied by a pound or two of guilt. I ran a finger over Ethan’s lips in the picture, wishing he were here in front of me to kiss away the doubt and fear that flooded my mind. Thoughts of Amanda and my new found desire to let go of the past collided in a whirlwind of mixed emotion. Being with Ethan had the insanity-inducing effect of making me happier than I’d ever been, and yet terrified that if I let myself be happy, it would all be taken away.
I shook off the weight of my confusion, determined to face my demons. I headed to the dining hall, which I found wasn’t open for lunch for another hour. My next stop was the sports bar, which housed only a few elderly men enjoying a hand of poker while their wives undoubtedly lounged by the pool or browsed the jewelry store on mid-deck. Finally I reached the Loft and there he was, stretched out on one of the stuffed chairs, his muscular legs bent so his arms could rest on his knees. His thumbs flicked over the joystick toggles with mad speed, and his eyes had the glazed-over look of a zombie. I cleared my throat, drawing his attention. I heard an explosion on the screen as he turned his full attention to me.
“Hey,” Ethan mumbled. His eyes lingered on me for a few seconds, and then drifted back to the mayhem of the game.
“I’ve been looking all over for you.”
“I’ve been here.” He didn’t look up a second time. Instead, he proceeded to annihilate the aliens in front of him.
My face grew hot. “I probably need to apologize...again.”
“Probably.”
“You’re not going to make this easy, are you?”
“Nope.”
I released a frustrated sigh. “What did you expect yesterday when you came down on me like an overprotective parent? I don’t need another one of those.” I folded my arms across my front and tapped my restless foot. “Look, I’m sorry if I overreacted, but I...thought you were...different.” I chewed the ragged edge of a cuticle.
Ethan focused on the game, a look of satisfaction flashing across his face as bombs flew and alien ships exploded at an alarming rate. Then he lowered the controller and our eyes met. “I’m not interested in telling you what to do, or even changing you. I like who you are.” He climbed to his feet and faced me, his gaze locking onto mine. “I was only trying to help.”
“I don’t need that kind of help, Ethan. But I have to ask...is me smoking weed going to be a problem for you?” As much as I feared his answer, I needed to know.
Ethan stood close enough that I could smell the fresh scent of his shampoo, a blend of coconut and almond that somehow soothed my raw nerves and yet set them on fire. “We’ll have to wait and see,” he said finally. With no hint of lightening up he added, “I can tell you I don’t really like it that you’re doing it. If you keep going the way you are, it’s bound to get you deeper into trouble. With Mitch being a cop and your mom struggling to hold it together, I would think the last thing you’d want to do is complicate things.”
I turned away, the weight of his judgment stabbing like a sword through my chest. Anger bubbled up again. I spun to face him. “So you’re saying that I’m a complication for my family? Because I can’t be perfect like you and tow the parent line, I’m an inconsiderate jerk?”
“I didn’t say that.” Ethan stood his ground, his face full of sharp angles. “But it might be nice of you to consider someone else’s feelings besides your own.” His tone was as sharp as the cool look in his eyes.
“So now I’m selfish?” My jaw ached from clenching.
He didn’t flinch.
I turned away again, this time with every intention of sparing him the tears about to follow. “I came to apologize, but now I think I’d better go.”
Ethan grabbed my arm.
“Stop running away, Lexi.” He spun me around to face him again.
“My name isn’t even Lexi. I’m Ali! My stupid grandmother started calling me Lexi just so I’d grow up overnight and become this smart, brave girl who wants to live her life on the straight and narrow for a change. I can’t be what you all want me to be...” By now tears were brimming over the edge and dripping down my cheeks. I wanted to pull away and run, but my feet wouldn’t move and the warmth of his hand on my arm kept me glued in place. He stepped in closer, his breath warm on my face.
“Lexi or Ali. It doesn’t matter.” His gentle tone resonated through me. “You don’t get it, do you? No one is trying to change who you are or make you feel bad about yourself. And no one is perfect.” A small smile lifted one corner of his lips and his eyes softened. “Not even me.” He let go of my arm and his hand came to my cheek, wiping away a tear. “I’m saying these things because I care about you, and I want you to be happy.” He captured my chin as I tried to pull my gaze away. “I would bet your mom wants the same thing.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I hear what you’re saying, Ethan. Maybe the problem is...that I’m...lost right now. I don’t know what I want, where I’m going, or how I’m even going to make it through another day. But what I do know is that I need some time to figure it out...and I have to do it on my own.” I wanted him to argue, kiss me, and tell me I didn’t have to be alone, but I knew that wouldn’t solve the problem.
Apparently...as usual...the problem was me.