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On our last morning, I dragged myself out of bed and climbed into the shower, my eyes barely open. Ethan and I hadn’t lasted long in the hot tub. Fortunately, or unfortunately, the heat of the water combined with the combustible rise in temperature between us had driven us out and back to our respective rooms before any real damage was done. I stood under the hot water for a long time, waking slowly and dreading stepping onto another plane and having to leave Ethan.
We were already docked in Civitavecchia and the shuttle would be waiting to take us to the airport. Then it would be goodbye, not knowing when we would see each other again. It was easy to talk about plans to stay in touch when we were stranded together with no outside influence. But once Ethan returned home and started college in a few weeks, he could just as easily forget all about me. A new and deepening sadness seeped into my chest.
I threw on my comfy jeans and the baggy tee shirt I’d arrived in and packed my bags. I’d already sent Maddie’s things down with the steward and taken care of ensuring their passage back to California. All that was left to do was to say goodbye to the ship. I stepped out onto the balcony and looked past the port to the open sea beyond. An instant flood of sorrow mixed with gratitude cascaded through me. A satisfied smile curved my lips even as I fought back tears. I opened the small baggie that held what was left of last week’s joint, and memories of that night rushed back.
I’d grown up so much in such a short amount of time. I hardly felt like myself anymore. But then, I really hadn’t felt like myself since Amanda died. Or for that matter, maybe I’d lost myself when I was six and Dad crashed into Jake Connelly, thrusting all of our lives into a tailspin. I took in a deep breath of salty air. The balmy warmth filled my lungs and hope sparked inside me, pushing away the sad memories. Maybe this was the start to finding the me I’d lost so long ago. In a moment of clarity and determination I dropped the roach overboard and crumbled the baggie into a tight ball.
A soft knock at the door drew me back into the room. When I answered it, Ethan stood waiting, a medium sized suitcase on wheels at his side and a backpack over one shoulder.
“You ready to go?”
“Ready as I’ll ever be.” Facing the next few weeks of being a caregiver to Maddie seemed a mixed blessing. It would keep me away from home and my friends that much longer—a prospect that had my head spinning with thoughts about how it would all work out. But it would also give me time to process everything I’d learned and all that had happened on our trip before going home to face Mom and Mitch. I owed them both an apology, and I wasn’t looking forward to sucking it up and dealing with all the fall-out of my legal troubles. Completing my drug and alcohol classes before my next court date would be the least of my worries.
We disembarked with all the other passengers and climbed aboard the shuttle to the airport. I looked back at the cruise ship one last time.
Ethan must have noticed my sad expression. “So now that you’ve cruised the Mediterranean, I bet you’ll want to see more of the world.”
I grimaced. “Not if it entails flying, boating, or otherwise stepping off of solid ground.”
“You managed your motion sickness pretty well on the cruise.”
“Thanks to you and those magic pills. If I wasn’t taking them every night like you told me to, it might have gotten ugly out at sea.”
He grinned and wrapped his fingers around mine, resting both of our hands onto his thigh. “Hopefully the flight home will be better than the flight here.”
My cheeks heated at the memory of throwing up on him on the plane before we’d even met. “Be glad you won’t have to fly back with me.”
“Honestly? I wish I was.” The longing in his voice let me know he meant it. Then he smiled again and my heart jumped. “Aside from the puking thing, you’re a pretty fun travel buddy.”
We laughed and spent the rest of the ride to the airport talking about all the cool places we’d seen. It seemed neither of us wanted to dwell on the fact that it would be a while before we saw each other again.
When we reached the airport, Ethan walked with me, checked my bag, and made sure I had my ticket. His plane wouldn’t be leaving for at least an hour after mine. As we passed through the security line, my palms began to sweat and my anxiety built to a crashing roar in my ears.
Ethan led me to an area away from where first class passengers were already beginning to board the plane. He turned me to face him and laid a hand on my cheek, his palm warm against my skin and his eyes filled with emotion. “I’m going to miss you.”
“Not as much as I’m going to miss you,” I said, certain it was true.
“I want you to call me once you’re settled in at Maddie’s place.”
“I promise. Although won’t you be busy moving?” He shrugged but I couldn’t let him off the hook so easily. “Are you cool with living on campus?”
“Who wouldn’t be?” He leaned against the wall, glancing at the clock counting down my departure. “I’m used to living away from home and my dad’s never there anyway,” he added, his expression strained.
“There’s always the holidays, right? And if he’s not around, you can come spend them with me.” My attempt to lift the mood felt forced, but I hated seeing Ethan unhappy—a fact I was sure would be my undoing someday. I ran a hand through his hair, which had grown out some and made his features softer somehow. He tugged at his lower lip with his teeth, an awkward silence falling between us. “Unless it’s going to be too hard—trying to see your dad and come see me too?” My hand slid down his cheek, and I tucked my thumb into my belt loop, unwilling to lose control over my emotions just because I didn’t want to let him go.
“I’ll make time for both,” he said as he stepped closer and retrieved my hand once more.
My heart kick-started into overdrive. That one small gesture and his words of reassurance meant everything. If only I wasn’t already missing him. “I want to thank you again.”
“You don’t have to.” A tinge of pink spread up Ethan’s neck to his cheeks and his gaze fell to his sneakers.
“I want to.” I clung to his hand, trying to find the right words. “I could never thank you enough for what you did for Maddie. As for me...” I faltered, warmth radiating up my cheeks. “Meeting you has changed my life—has changed me.”
“I didn’t want to change you, Lexi. I only wanted to help you see how special you are.”
“I just wish I hadn’t been so afraid.”
“Of me?” His eyes widened in surprise.
“No. I was afraid of me. Afraid of who I was becoming—maybe even a little afraid of living. Most of all, I was afraid of letting go of the people I’d lost because I thought it meant I didn’t love them anymore. As if somehow I would forget them, and it would be like they had never been a part of my life at all.” I thought of Amanda and about my dad and my chest ached with love and longing followed by a warmth that told me they would both always be with me. “I’m not afraid anymore,” I said. Then I leaned in and kissed Ethan’s cheek, turning the pink in his ears to a deep red that made me smile. I captured his gaze and our eyes met and lingered. The feelings overflowing my heart were reflected in the expression on Ethan’s face. “I love you, Ethan.”
“I love you, too.” Ethan laid a tender kiss on my lips and wrapped me in his arms. We lingered there for a long moment until I heard the call for final boarding. When he pulled his lips away from mine, his green eyes glistened. “This isn’t goodbye.” He planted a gentle kiss on my forehead. “Let’s just say, À la prochaine.”
I gave him a quizzical look.
“It’s French. It means ‘until next time.’”
“Let’s hope that next time is very soon,” I said, my heart overflowing with love.
“Count on it.” Ethan kissed me again, and anything seemed possible.