Safire took some time, stared at each man, even nodded now and then, as though confirming her own thoughts. Eventually, she said, “Black hair is all wrong for you, Tiller. I see you in auburn hair with gold-tone highlights, and your eyebrows must be brought under control, not flying about the way they are now.”
“That sounds great. How do you do something like that?”
“You’ll soon learn. It takes a little time and care. I will admit, it would be easier if your hair was just a little thicker. Have you ever thought of a man wig?”
“You mean like a toupee?”
“Yes. I don’t sell those, but ultimately, if you choose wisely and pay a sufficient price for a really excellent one, that might be the way to go.”
Earl thought Teller would say no to that; instead, he said, “I might think about that later, but for now I need you to do whatever you can—you know, tonight, before we head up that lonesome highway, ‘on the road again.’”
Teller was pouring it on, probably trying to prove he was more exciting than Earl. And Earl was happy to let him stake out that territory.
“All right. Good,” Safire said. “But don’t think I can do all that in ten minutes.” She looked back at Earl, concentrated. “I’m thinking babylights? Have you heard of that?”
“You mean the little lights they put on Christmas trees these days?”
Safire laughed in a kind of squeal. “No, honey. It’s like highlights—what Teller wants—but more subtle. A little less dramatic than highlights. Something in shades of dark caramel, mixed with slightly lighter tones. Does that sound right for you?”
“I don’t think so. Just brown would be fine. That’s how my hair used to be.” Earl was thinking this was going to cost him an arm and a leg, and he didn’t really want his hair dyed anyway. “I don’t need two colors and lights and everything.”
“Oh, Earl, I wish I could keep you for a while. I’ve wondered what it would be like to join forces with a nice man, even though I always fall for the bad ones.”
Earl didn’t know what to make of Safire. If she would get rid of the pins and needles pierced into her face and all the weird colors in her hair, she really was quite pretty. But he had no idea why she was saying all these things to him. He was a wrinkled old man who swayed when he walked. There was no hair color that could change that.
“All right then. Let’s get started. Tiller, you take the chair on the left, and we’ll start you first since yours is a longer process. Earl, just relax where you are for now. Do you want something to drink—coffee, tea, water, sparkling water, or maybe a nice juice?”
“No, thanks.” Earl actually would have liked a glass of water, but he wondered whether she would charge him ten dollars for some so-called spring water and add it to the price of his dye job.
So Earl just sat and watched, and what unfolded was beyond anything he had imagined. Safire poured various liquids and powders into a bowl and mixed them into a goop, and then she poured the same kind of stuff in another bowl. He supposed those were the dyes, but he had expected Teller to stick his head in a sink, wait a minute or two, and be finished. But Safire used a comb to stretch Teller’s hair into layers, then wrapped sections in tinfoil. She did that over and over around his head, and then she opened those flaps of tinfoil and painted the goop onto his hair, alternating between the colors. Old Teller was grinning into the mirror the whole time, flashing those big plastic-looking teeth of his.
The operation took time, but finally Safire said, “Okay, I need to let the colors set for just a few minutes, so Earl, come and take this next chair. He did as he was told, and then she moved around behind him. “You’re nervous, I can tell. But you don’t need to be. Just relax.”
“You’re not putting tinfoil on me, are you?”
“No, but I wish I could. When God was giving out hair, he gave you your share plus Tiller’s. You—”
“Teller,” Teller said.
“I’m sorry. I said it wrong again. But no, Earl, no foil.”
“Can’t you just dip me in something?”
Safire laughed her little squeal again. “No. I’m going to color your hair one piece at a time.” And that’s what she did until she said, “Now rest while I take the next step with Tiller.”
Earl watched in the mirror as Safire stripped away the foil, and then she leaned the chair back, held Teller’s head over a sink, and washed out the excess goop. After that, she put a sort of hairnet over his head and told him she would “dry him” in a few minutes. Then she came back to Earl. “So, Earl,” she said, “what kind of work did you do in your life?”
“I was an engineer.”
“I knew that you did something practical,” she said. “Why does Tiller keep saying how boring you are?”
“I guess I am.”
“Naw,” Teller said. “He’s a good guy. A family man. He’s a religious man, goes to church, and he’s nice to people. Back where we lived, everyone loved the guy.”
“So what about you, Tiller? What did you do?”
“Teller. I was a ship captain. Everything from ferries to oil tankers, even cruise ships. I sailed all over the world.”
“Really? All over the world?”
“You can name a place anywhere from north to south, east to west, and I’ve been there.”
“Oh, wow. I’d give anything to travel like that. What place was the very best of all?”
“How can I say? I love the islands of the South Seas, but I also love Grandenwalt or Grindelwall—or whatever it’s called—in the Alps of Switzerland.”
“You can sail to Switzerland?”
Teller’s weird, wet laugh burbled out for the first time that evening. “No, no. But when I sailed to the ports of Europe, I often found time to take trips by rail, so I climbed the Jungfrau in the Alps, met the beautiful women of Paris, and cheered and shouted olé at the bullfights in Spain. I was never satisfied until I had relished everything there was to devour. I’m a man of many interests, many tastes, many passions.”
“Oh, Tiller, you’re speaking my language now. I may throw Earl over and run off with you. Tell me the most interesting thing that ever happened to you in all your travels.”
“Let’s see, where do I start?”
And when would he ever finish?
“All right. Here’s something. It may not be the most interesting, but it’s perhaps furthest off the beaten path of ordinary life. I was the captain of a freighter sailing from Santiago, Chile, to Tasmania, off the coast of Australia.”
“I love this already.”
“I understand why you would say that, my dear, but I was feeling uneasy.” Teller’s storytelling voice had taken over, like the sound of reminiscing. “Everything was going well, but maybe too well. Then, without warning, I heard something strange. The ship engines began to grind, not churn in their usual rhythm. Over the next minute or two, the sound got worse, then there was a bang, and everything shut down. I called to the engine room, but my head motorman was not sure what had happened. I told him to figure it out, but we were being carried toward a small island, and I made an instant decision to let the ship run onto a sandbar and hold there. Then I waited, but when my man called, he explained that a rod in the main engine had been thrown, and our only hope was to radio the company we worked for and cross our fingers that new parts, new expertise, could be shipped to us as soon as possible. For the moment, we were stranded, precariously perched on that sandbar.”
“Weren’t you just terrified?” Safire asked. She shook her head in apparent alarm, and her hair flew about in a burst of colors. She stepped to Earl’s side so she could look across him and see Teller. She seemed to have forgotten all about working on Earl’s hair.
Earl was pretty sure he could have answered Safire’s question. Teller, he could predict, was wise and brave, not terrified at all.
“I felt concern more than fear, but I was no newcomer to ocean perils. And besides, what would panic accomplish?”
Wise and brave.
“I knew we had to sit tight and wait, but I couldn’t resist the desire to see the island. I told the crew to stay on board while I explored by myself. I hadn’t gotten very far into the dense jungle before I felt, without exactly seeing, hidden eyes watching me. I soon picked up movement in the foliage, even heard whispers. Then, in an instant, I was surrounded by an astounding collection of muscular, powerful-looking men, more naked than not.”
“Oh, my. Now I do wish I had been with you.” She giggled.
“These men seemed curious to gaze upon me. I’d picked up many languages from around the world, but I had no idea what language these tribesmen spoke.”
Oh, brother. Teller probably knew how to say Bon voyage and Si, señor. Nothing else.
“I used motions to make it clear that I was a friend. They seemed—”
“Like what? What kind of motions?”
For once, Teller seemed set back for a moment. But he bobbed his head, made an exaggerated smile, and took a dive just a little too deep by touching his heart and then extending his hand outward.
But Safire liked that. “That’s wonderful, Tiller. I can feel the warmth just oozing from you. You like to act like a bad boy, but deep down, you’re sweet as candy.”
“Maybe so, my love, but don’t ever let my secret out.”
This was getting out of hand.
“But in response to this motion of friendship, something truly beautiful happened. The men gestured for me to walk with them, and when I entered their village, they offered me food and drink. The drink was a fermented coconut water, if my taste buds were communicating accurately. It was powerful stuff, like them, but it had a surprisingly charming bouquet. I might have become slightly inebriated, but as I laughed with them and tried to show my appreciation, I made a miscalculation. A beautiful young woman, not covered much at all, offered me additional food. On impulse, I touched her arm, just above her wrist, and I whispered something merely appreciative. ‘Thank you so much,’ I think I said.”
Earl was surprised he hadn’t learned the language by then.
“But that touch, that whisper, set off a flurry of action. A large man, built like a great bronze statue, was brought before me.”
“Ooooh. I can just see the man in my mind. I do want to visit that island someday.”
“The man, apparently the chief, said things that seemed friendly, and he reached out his hand and pulled me to my feet. Other men put a crown of palm leaves and plumeria blossoms on my head. Then they removed my shirt and stroked oil over my upper body. At that point, the beautiful girl reappeared, this time decked out in leis and a headdress made of hibiscus leaves and bright objects that I now believe were the beaks of exotic birds. She and I were then walked into the jungle and into a clearing full of statues and a formation of spears thrust into the ground. All the people gathered in a large circle around us.”
“Were they giving her to you as a bride?”
“You’re sharper than I was, Safire. I still hadn’t realized what this was all about. There were dances with lots of gyrations, and then an aged man walked forward, leaned on a spear, and spoke and sang and nodded his head. When he finished the ceremony, the girl and I were led to a grass shack. The chief—I think the girl might have been his daughter—pushed us together as though he expected us to embrace or rub cheeks or something, but I held back. I’m basically a shy man, but the chief pushed her and then me into the shack, and suddenly there we were, just the two of us. She nodded, said some words, smiled, and by then I was absolutely out of my mind with worry.”
“So was that your honeymoon, right there in that little shack?”
“It was supposed to be, Safire, but I’ll tell you something. There was no way I was going to take advantage of that situation, no matter how long I had been out to sea. So I started talking, and she listened, looked at me longingly, and I kept up my chatter until the sun went down.”
That part Earl could definitely believe.
“I had a plan by then. That little shack was flimsy. So once it was truly dark outside, I told that beautiful girl that I was sorry—mostly with gestures, of course—and then burrowed under the wall of that little structure, managed to escape and run far into the jungle. For a week I ate off the land, which was not a problem since I found luscious fruits I had never tasted before. Ever so gradually, I crept around the island, but I noticed that native men were waiting and watching for me near the ship. So I slipped into the water maybe a mile away, and I swam to the ship. I must say, I’ve become a truly superior swimmer after all my years on the oceans of the world. I got to the ship and whistled to one of my men, who threw down a rope and pulled me aboard. The tribesmen never stopped watching the ship, but they were obviously afraid to attack. A short time later our rescue ship arrived, and we were towed to Fiji, where our engine was repaired. But I’ve wondered many times whether I did the right thing.” Teller hesitated a moment, nodded, his look deeply solemn. “Maybe I should have stayed with those fine people, learned their language, lived in peace and ease, and spent my days and nights with that beautiful island girl, whose face is imprinted on my mind—and heart—forever.”
“Oh, I think so,” Safire said in a dreamy voice. “You would have had everything you could ever want. Oh, Tiller, how do I get to that island and how do I get me one of those big, muscular bronze men?”
“Well, Safire, you’re young,” Teller said. “So let me teach you one very important concept I’ve learned from my adventurous life.” He paused, looked wise. “There’s no use looking back. Our experiences combine to make us what we are. It’s better to cling to the best things we’ve learned and take joy in what might come next—not question earlier decisions.”
“That’s beautiful, Tiller. But I’ve never done anything very interesting to learn from.”
“I have something to say about that too. Don’t dream of other places or a different life. Make the most of the one you have.”
“Yes. That is right. You are sooooo sensitive and sensible, Tiller.”
“Teller.”
“But, oh, what I’d give to see everything and not have to stay here doing hair every day.”
“I know what you mean. But I’ve learned some things from Earl these last few days.”
Earl heard something new. This was not Teller’s storytelling voice.
“I know us old guys always say this, but life is a lot shorter than you think. I was out running around for a long time, and then I was old, like overnight.”
“I think I understand that. But that’s why I want to do things. If you’d just invite me, I’d head out with you and Earl and run from the police with you. I’d at least see some of this country. The farthest I’ve been from home is Minneapolis three times and Chicago once.”
“I’ve seen London and Sidney, Jakarta and Singapore, and all that was fine. But I gave up my family. Earl tells me that’s the most important part of life.”
“I guess.” Safire twirled a strand of pink hair in her fingers. “But you know what? My mother drives me crazy, and my husband sits around the house and waits for me to bring home the groceries. On top of that, I have three kids who all think I’m an idiot.”
Teller and Earl both laughed, but it was Earl who said, “All the same, that’s real life. Most of what I know I’ve learned from doing what I need to do each day. And part of that is loving people I don’t always like all that much.”
“Thank you,” Safire said. “I needed to hear that.” She looked at Earl for a time, and tears came into her eyes. Then she walked to him and kissed his cheek.
Earl was embarrassed again.
It was two hours before all the hair and eyebrow dyeing was done. Earl had seen Teller a few times and caught glimpses of himself, but it wasn’t until they stood next to each other and looked in the mirror that they broke out laughing. “You look like a couple of movie stars,” Safire told them, but Teller said, “Yeah, Larry and Moe, from The Three Stooges.”
“No, no. Don’t say that. You look wonderful, but we do need to darken your skin a little to soften the contrast. We could put you in my tanning bed, but that only works if you tan just a little and then repeat quite often. Otherwise, you’ll look like lobsters. But I have a nice lotion that will tan you just as well and is much safer for your skin. Let me apply it the first time and then you can take a bottle with you.”
Teller got back in his chair, and Safire spread the lotion gently over his skin, taking care not to streak or gob the stuff. Teller came out looking like a Latin movie star, at least as far as his coloring went, so Earl gave way and took the same treatment on his face and ears and neck. When he looked in the mirror again, he was humiliated. If Becky could see him, she would probably pass out right on the spot. But Safire liked their new looks, and she told them she was going to give them a two-for-the-price-of-one deal on everything.
Earl still thought it was too much money, but then he paid her twice what she had asked for.