August 1956
“S he’s been like that off and on for the last three weeks.”
“Three weeks? Why didn’t you call us sooner?”
“Well, first, after it happened, she seemed fine. She looked so alive, and I knew the break-up was a good thing for her…Well, you and Mercy thought so too. And I gathered from the way she was acting she recognized it, too. At first, she came to the club every night; always laughing. But then a few weeks ago she started moping around and stopped coming to the club. Finally, she crawled into her bed upstairs and I didn’t see her for days. I got scared so I insisted she come down here and sleep in Scott’s old room. Now, she gets up sometimes, gets a glass of water, uses the—well, you know. There are times I convince her to sit with me out on the veranda, get some sun, but that only lasts a short time. She doesn’t talk. Just stares. Mainly, she stays in bed sleeping. I brought her down here so I could watch her, but I’m worried. I’ve never seen her like this. It scares me. And after what I went through with Scott and what he did to himself…”
“She didn’t try to hurt herself, did she?”
“No. But I’m not taking any chances. I’ve gotta watch her. You want some coffee. I’m making a pot.”
“Yeah, make me a cup. I’m going in there and see what I can do.”
“Take it easy, Shirl, will ya? I don’t want you roughing her up. She’s had a bad time.”
“All right, all right. Get me my coffee. I’ll wait for Mercy. She’s gentle. That might work better.”
Their voices faded into a mumble, then silence, as they walked away from my door to the breakfast nook. They thought I couldn’t hear them. Jeez, I would’ve had to be unconscious not to. Of course, off and on I was unconscious laying in Scott’s old bed. I hadn’t seen him since he broke up with Max in June. I knew my friends beyond these walls meant well, but I wished they’d just leave me alone. I took my hands off the slats in the headboard and stuck them under the blue wooly blanket that shrouded me in an unthinking quiet. What was the point of getting up? What was the point of dressing? What was the point of anything ? Life didn’t hold much for me without Juliana in it.
I drifted into an in-between place, almost awake, but not really, sorta asleep, but not quite. Juliana dancing in a white flowing nightgown—gorgeous— Knives! Crash into the ceiling--a hand flies through the air. Lands on my shoe. Blood on the floor… I jump awake. Chest pumping, pumping.
“Maybe this is a good thing,” I heard Shirl say not far from the door.
Oh, no. They’re back. I flopped onto my stomach and put the pillow over my head, but then I couldn’t hear what they were saying so I threw the pillow on the floor.
“Ever since Julie was very young, not yet an adult,” Shirl was saying, “she ran through girls one right after another, not taking any of them seriously. Al needs someone stable she can count on.”
“No. Things had changed,” Max said. “For both of them. I saw it right after Paris. They were closer and I’d never seen Al so happy. “
Yeah, I was.
“Then they went together to some retreat house and Al came home ecstatic.”
I reached down and grabbed my pillow and hugged it to my chest, pretending I was holding Juliana.
“I practically had to pull her down from the ceiling she was so happy. And —she told me Jule actually said she loved her.”
“Really? Our Jule?” Shirl said.
“So there,” I stuck my tongue out at the headboard.
“I really thought they were going to make it this time so when she came home and told me Richard found out about them and threatened to take Juliana to court naming Al as co-respondent my heart practically stopped. You know how horrible that would’ve been for both of them and me. Would’ve closed both clubs for sure. But poor Al. She’s so in need of someone to love her.”
“I’ll take her to the bars,” Shirl said. “There are lots of lovely and loving women there.
Mercy, what took you so long?” Shirl said in her deep bellow. My head bounced off the pillow as Mercy closed the apartment door.
“The traffic was terrible all the way here,” she said, then lowered her voice to a whisper, “Where is she?”
“We want to do whatever is necessary to help Al,” a breathy Bryn Mawr voice said.
On, no, not Virginia, too. I was surrounded. I shoved my head back under the pillow and pulled the blanket over it.
“Max thinks I’m too abrasive to drag her out of bed,” Shirl said. “Why don’t you two gentle ladies give it a try.”
Oh, no . They’re coming in! I crawled down deep under the covers. I hoped they’d go fast. I was suffocating.
“Al, honey,” came Mercy’s sweet voice. She was standing in the doorway. “Can you sit up? Let’s talk the way we used to. I brought you a couple paperback books you haven’t read yet. They’re—let me see—I heard her fiddling in her purse—The Evil Friendship . That’s about the tragedy of forbidden love. Oh. Maybe that’s not such a good one for now. The other one—Warped Desire. Ooh, maybe not.”
I stayed real still under the blankets pretending to be asleep. Soon they’d go away.
“I have Virginia with me,” Mercy said. “Say hello, Virginia.”
“Hello Al.” They must train all their students at Bryn Mawr to sound like Katharine Hepburn.
Everyone was being so nice to me. Why couldn’t I just throw off these covers and forget her? Forget Juliana? Forget she said she loved me? It was the first time. The very first time she ever said it out loud. No. I can’t forget her. Tears rolled down my face again. I love her and she loves me.
Mercy whispered to Virginia as if I weren’t lying right there. “I think she’s crying.”
“Oh Al, we hate to see you so unhappy,” Virginia said. “Here’s a hankie.”
I slipped my hand out from under the covers and took Virginia’s embroidered handkerchief between two fingers. I pulled my hand back under the covers and wiped my face. It had the faint smell of lavender.
“Won’t you come out,” Virginia whispered over my head.
“We could talk about your sadness,” Mercy said.
Part of me wanted them to go away, but another part wanted to sit with them and—I don’t know—be comforted? But they couldn’t change anything.
“It’s hard to lose a love,” Mercy said. I felt the bed dip under her weight as she sat beside me. “If I lost Shirl, I don’t know what I’d do.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” came Virginia’s voice not far from my ear. “I want so much to help you. You helped me when, you know, when”—she whispered, “Max and I... and—those other things that happened. With Moose. Ooh, I don’t want to think of any of that.”
She thinks I helped her through that? I hardly even saw her during that time. Always busy with The Haven like the selfish person I am. I must be truly wicked. That’s why God took Juliana away from me. I didn’t deserve her.
I know how terrible it is when you get rejected,” Virginia continued. “When I lost Max to Scott . . . Well, I can’t talk about that with, you know who, outside. I don’t want him getting a bigger head than he already has.”
“Hey!” Max yelled. “Leave me out of this.”
“With pleasure!” Virginia shot back.
“Oh, this is ridiculous,” Shirl growled from outside the room. “They’re not one whit closer to getting her out of that bed, which is what she needs.”
I heard Shirl’s girth pounding into the room. Her suit jacket landed on the floor with a plop. “Get out of my way. I’ll get her out of that bed.”
“Don’t you dare,” Mercy said.
“Al,” Virginia said. “You really should get up. Shirl’s coming and she…”
Shirl grabbed my ankles from under the blanket and pulled. I grabbed hold of the slats in the headboard. I wasn’t sure my arm strength could hold out against Shirl, but I was ready to give it my best try.
“No, Shirl, stop it.” Mercy called out. “You’ll break her.”
“Then you two get her up!” Shirl abruptly dropped my ankles, scooped up her man’s jacket from the floor and marched outta the room. “And if you don’t get her up in the next five minutes,” Shirl called into them, “I’m coming back, and I will get her out of that bed even if I have to sling her over my shoulders and carry her out like a sack of potatoes.”
“Over my dead body!” Mercy yelled back.
“If necessary.”
Virginia whispered in my ear, “You better get up, Al. She means it.”
“She needs gentle care and time,” Mercy said, then called, “You stay out, Shirl!” She leaned close to me and whispered, “Al, you’ve got to get up. If Shirl comes in here again… well, you know Shirl. When she means business, she means business.”
I was sweating under those blankets. The hot sun streamed in from the partially open window above the bed, but I was not getting up. My nose itched but I would not scratch it. I would not let them know I was awake. Of course, they knew already. Boy, that hankie thing was stupid.
“Maybe it’s best to let her sleep,” Virginia suggested. “It’ll give her a chance to get really rested. These last few years she’s been working harder than any woman I’ve ever known. That Max works her to death.”
“Hey!” Max exploded from the hallway.
“Lots of women work hard, Virginia,” Mercy said. “You just don’t know any of them. But still it couldn’t hurt to let Al rest for a few more days. She’s had a terrible heartbreak. Maybe it’ll help if we just sit here and don’t make any demands. Just be close. Why don’t you pull up that chair?”
“It’s been three weeks,” Shirl yelled into them. “That’s enough time. Get her out here. We’re taking her to a gay girl bar. She needs to meet some girls. The kind without husbands.”
“You know, Shirl,” Max said, “that’s not a bad idea.”
Virginia scraped the wooden straight back chair across the floor as she dragged it away from the wall. She brought it close to the bed where Mercy sat. Mercy lightly rubbed my back. “This is nice. Just the three of us sitting here quietly. It’s a nice day today. Such a shame Al is missing it.”
“Yes, it certainly is,” Virginia agreed. Her careful enunciation and the breathiness that went with it took me back to the days when I volunteered at the Stage Door Canteen. Katherine Hepburn would come in twice a week to run the milk bar when she wasn’t filming in Hollywood. Things were simpler, then. Of course, there was a war on, food and shoes were rationed, my underwear had buttons, we were collecting the drippings off the tiny Christmas turkey to give to the butcher in exchange for a little extra meat, Juliana and I were having sex in my office, and I was engaged to a man I didn’t wanna marry. Maybe back then wasn’t so hot.
Mercy rubbed my back and I felt like I had crawled into a bird’s nest and the mother bird was hovering over me, making sure I didn’t fall out. Vaguely I heard Max say to Shirl beyond the doorway, “I don’t know what to do. I hate seeing her like this. Usually, she’s so filled with spirit. Nothing gets her down. Damn, Juliana!”
“Richard. Not Juliana,” Shirl reminded him.
“I s’pose. But she married him.”
“You’ll never forgive her for that, will you?”
“Oh, I don’t know. I’m just exhausted with running the two clubs by myself. And I miss Al. I miss planning with her and listening to her crazy ideas that somehow always manage to work. Well, maybe not always, but lots of times. Enough for me to take a chance on. Lucille looks after basic things, but she doesn’t have Al’s creativity. Our audiences are still shrinking. I’ve been thinking we should cut back on the number of shows we do per week. Oh, dang-it, maybe it’s time to cut our losses while we still can and sell the Haven and…
NO! I sprung up in bed.
“…concentrate on the Mount Olympus. It’s doing a little better than the Haven so…”
I pushed myself up into a half push-up and threw my legs over the side of the bed. “He can’t do that.”
“Wait. I’ll help you,” Mercy said.
I shook her away and stood tall. I took my first step and collapsed onto the floor. “Al!” Mercy and Virginia cried out.
They rushed over and lifted me to my feet. “You’re weak, dear,” Mercy said. “You need to get up gradually.”
I pushed her outta my way and jaggedly moved forward. I leaned heavily on my oakwood dresser. “Max!” I shouted as loud as I could, but the sound came out like a squeak. Filled with hunger, I grabbed my stomach. I had never been so hungry in my life. The hunger wasn’t only in my stomach. It was in my arms and legs, too. “Max!” I called again.
“I’ll get him for you, honey,” Virginia said, hurrying out the door.
I hobbled outta the room, my sweaty night shirt clinging to my legs, my hair stringy and unwashed. My hands crawled along the walls for support. I sucked in every bit of energy and yelled, “Max! You are not selling the Haven!”
“Yeah? Who’s gonna stop me?” He stepped into the hallway lighting a Pall Mall.
“I am!”