Nerves begin to creep in as we approach the street where Marcus’s club is situated. I haven’t ever been in this part of the city before. It’s a side to Glasgow I immediately didn’t like the look of. A little more run down than the rest, seedier. It’s not a place myself or any of my friends frequented when we were growing up. I say growing up, I mean when we were sixteen and attempting to get into nightclubs with our fake IDs. I look back on that memory with a smile and wonder what happened to them. My friends. I haven’t heard from or seen any of them in a long time. We all drifted apart after we left school a few years ago, not for any specific reason other than our lives took different paths. I bet they’re all doing really well now. I was doing fine until Dad left when I was sixteen and then my mum got a new boyfriend and buggered off to live in Spain. I was on my own and as much as my friends tried, there was nothing any of them could do to help me.
I got a council flat and went to college for a year to study admin before getting a job – a job I lost after two years of hard work and an unprovoked beating. I didn’t think life could get worse after my parents deserted me, but it did. I didn’t bother contacting Mum to tell her about what happened. She wouldn’t have known what to say or do. She was never the maternal type. I was on my own until I met Marcus.
At least now I can say I am looking at a potential job. Bar work can’t be too difficult to learn. Pouring pints and serving double vodkas sounds like something I could pick up easily. It’s the fear of being out of the flat for longer than I have managed over the last few months that I am worried about. Marcus mentioned that a shift could be anything from four to eight hours and as much as I smiled and agreed I would manage that, I know deep down it could bring on a panic attack.
‘You okay?’ Marcus asks as we stop at the red light. He reaches across and rests his hand on my knee. ‘You’ve been really quiet all the way here.’
‘Have I?’ I play down the rising panic. I don’t want Marcus to think I’m a weak little woman. I want to be strong. I want him to see me as more than I am because I will become more than this.
‘You know you have. Jade, just try to relax. It’s all good, this is what you need. A fresh start.’ He squeezes my knee before letting go and releasing the handbrake. He pulls into the right lane and indicates right.
Glancing up, I see the sign for the club. Angel Silk. The silhouette of a woman standing against a pole sticks out above the door. I frown as I turn to Marcus.
‘You part-own a lap dancing bar?’ I ask, trying to hide the shock from my voice. How could he have failed to tell me that?
‘A gentlemen’s club.’ He keeps his eyes on the road.
‘What’s the difference?’
‘The clientele.’
I take a deep but silent breath so that he doesn’t sense my panic, although I know he can probably already tell I’m not comfortable. It’s not just the fact that it’s a lap dancing club that bothers me. It’s the number of people I’ll be surrounded by that worries me. Girls can be catty, bitchy. They can be nasty, I have been at the end of just how nasty they can be. Spent several weeks in hospital because of a group of girls. I don’t want to put myself in a position in which I may have to deal with that again.
Marcus pulls up outside the door and tells me to get out and wait for him to park the car. Already my heart is beginning to race and the impending sense of doom is upon me. I want to cry, to tell him not to make me get out of the car without him, but I don’t want Marcus to think I’m a kid. So, I get out of the car and stand next to the door and wait for him to arrive.
‘You alright, hen?’ a girl asks as she appears from the entrance to the club, smoking a cigarette. I glance at her and notice how pretty she looks. Tall, slender figure draped in a short, silk dressing gown. Very apt for the place. I can’t help but notice the dark circles under her eyes even with all the makeup she has plastered on her face.
‘Just waiting on my boyfriend,’ I reply, trying not to make eye contact.
‘You want one?’ I glance at her and she offers out a cigarette.
I shake my head and turn to face the direction in which Marcus has taken the car. Hurry up, I think to myself.
‘Your boyfriend brought you to a gentlemen’s club?’ She sniggers. ‘Charmer, eh?’
‘He owns the place,’ I say trying not to sound too smug even though I want the ground to open up and swallow me. I don’t want to be here. I want the safety of the walls at the flat. Of the locked front door and the ability to shut out the world.
The girl stops then, her eyes narrowing as if she is trying to penetrate my thoughts. She opens her mouth to speak but instead she puts the cigarette she had offered me back in the box and continues smoking her own. The look on her face, clouded by a bluish haze, makes me uneasy and I decide to start walking in the direction of where Marcus drove off to park the car. I’ve only taken around ten steps when he comes into view and I sigh with relief.
‘There you are,’ I say.
‘Where are you going? I told you to wait on me at the door,’ he replies, pulling me in to his chest.
‘Sorry, but the girl at the door was acting weird.’
Marcus doesn’t reply and when I look up at him, he is staring at the girl. As we draw nearer, she keeps her back to us. Marcus stops beside her and lets go of me.
‘Tommy around?’ he asks the girl.
‘He’s just inside.’ Turning, she blows smoke out of her mouth and it whips around my face.
I can tell she doesn’t like my presence. Jealousy, perhaps, by the look on her face. Maybe she has a thing for Marcus? Another unwanted problem to add to my list.
‘Come on inside, Jade. I’ll show you around and then introduce you to everyone.’
He takes my hand and leads me up the stairs. I don’t look around but I know the girl with the cigarette is behind us, climbing the stairs too. We walk through a door and a wide space opens up. Inside, there is a bar to my left running along the length of the wall. Blue LED lights highlight bottles of spirits on glass shelves. The one thing I notice is the mirrored walls on the opposite side of the room. There are booths along the back wall, each with their own podiums and a pole in the centre which is fixed to the ceiling.
There are girls behind the bar, dressed in very little material. Underwear or bikinis, I can’t make out which. All beautiful girls. It crosses my mind that I will likely be asked to dress the same way. I don’t know how I feel about that and decide I’ll speak to Marcus about it when we leave.
Music fills the room and girls are already dancing around the poles even though the place doesn’t have customers yet. I highly doubt that the men who attend this club are gentleman-like but I don’t say anything.
‘Can I see behind the bar?’ I ask, glancing over at the girl standing behind it.
‘Sure,’ he says and leads me towards it. ‘Have you ever pulled a pint before?’
‘No,’ I shake my head. ‘But I’m sure I’ll pick it up quickly.’
My attention goes to the girl who was outside as she passes us. Marcus smiles down at me and lets go of my hand.
‘Amber? Come here, I want to introduce you to Jade.’
Amber, I think to myself as she turns and begins walking towards me. She has a smile on her face but it’s not genuine. She doesn’t want to be around me. The feeling is mutual.
‘You’re starting tonight?’
Her tone is flat, uninterested and I want to ask her what her problem is. Instead I look up at Marcus and then back to Amber but before I can tell her that I’m only in to see the place tonight, Marcus says, ‘She’s doing a couple hours behind the bar first.’
First? What did he mean by that?
‘Right, you’d better come with me and we’ll get you sorted,’ Amber says, turning her back to me and moving towards the bar.
‘Right, I’ll be back to pick you up in a couple hours.’ Marcus leans down and kisses me on the cheek.
‘Wait, I start now?’ I panic. I’m not ready for this.
‘What else did you think you were going to be doing? I’ve got stuff to do tonight, Jade. Amber will sort you out. Don’t make a big deal of this. I’ll see you around midnight, okay.’
It isn’t a question. I watch as he disappears out the door and down the stairs. I glance over at Amber who is standing by a door to the right of the bar and tapping her foot on the floor. Impatiently waiting for the new girl. My palms are sweating, heart banging against my chest. I breathe through the rising panic and put one foot in front of the other as I move towards her.
‘Sit over there and we’ll find something for you to wear,’ she says, pointing at a long, mirrored dressing table with several chairs lining the floor.
‘Shouldn’t you be showing me how to pour pints and stuff?’ I ask, my throat dry and scratchy.
Amber turns and smiles sarcastically at me. ‘Love, you’re not pulling the pints. You’re doing table services. Now, what size are you? You look an eight,’ she says as she pulls a minimalist outfit from a rail next to the dressing table.
‘No, Marcus told me I was working behind the bar,’ I say as I shake my head at the outfit. ‘And I’m not wearing that. Sorry.’
Amber smiles and hangs the outfit back on the rail. She walks effortlessly towards me in her ridiculously high platform heels and sits down next to me. ‘Jade?’
I nod in response.
‘I know what job you’re here to do. Marcus told me last night. You’re here to work the bar like I said. You’ll take drinks orders, collect them from the bar, and serve them to the customers. Then…’ She trails off and horror grips at my soul.
‘And then what?’ I almost shout.
‘Think about what you saw out there. You’re not here to pull pints, love. You’re here to dance, make the men in here feel good about themselves.’
I shake my head, get to my feet. ‘No. I’m the owner’s girlfriend. He wouldn’t bring me here to do that job. I’ll speak to Marcus, he’ll tell you this is all a mistake.’
Amber gets to her feet. She towers over me and when I look up at her, somehow I know she’s telling the truth even though I don’t want to believe it.
‘Love, you can tell Marcus you’re not doing this. But I wouldn’t advise it. Just keep your head down, do the job and wait for him to pick you up. There are a few outfits and some makeup over there. Doll yourself up. A tip for you, do it all with a smile and it’ll make things easier.’
Amber turns and walks out of the room leaving me on my own. I’m panicking. Breathless. Marcus wouldn’t expect me to do this kind of job. He wouldn’t. I’m his girlfriend. He wouldn’t want me to dance around for strange men in my underwear.
I turn towards the door because I am not going to do this. Then I stop. If I walk out of here and refuse to work, it will cause a fight between us. I don’t want Marcus to get angry with me. He’s done so much for me since we met. Given me a place to stay, showered me with gifts and money when I was at my lowest. He loves me. I love him. I don’t want to ruin that, or ruin our future together.
Turning to the rail, I pick an outfit that I think has the most material and put it on.
I’m standing at the side of the bar feeling the most exposed I have ever felt in my life. Amber stands next to me and she is smiling at the men as they walk through the door. Some in groups of five or six, others with one accomplice. I even notice there are men here on their own.
‘Keep an eye out for that one there,’ Amber says into my ear as she keeps her eyes on one man. I follow her gaze and see him take a seat at the other end of the bar, next to a booth in the corner. ‘He thinks because he brings the girls snacks that he has more access than the rest of the punters.’
‘Snacks? Do you mean drugs?’ I ask, bewildered by the idea.
‘No, I mean snacks. Multi-packs of chocolate bars, crisps, sweets. He sees himself as a sort of carer. I think it’s just the role he likes to play. Creepy as hell if you ask me.’
Bringing sweets was the creepy part? The whole place and everyone in it made me feel that way.
Thinking back to when I first met Marcus, I would never have believed that he would be running a place like this. In the beginning, he told me he was in security management. Then I found out he part-owned a nightclub. Now I am standing here in lingerie, surrounded by other girls dressed the same and ready to dance for strangers for a few quid, I’m beginning to think deeper about Marcus. Why would he tell me only a fraction of the truth? Why would he want me to work as a dancer here?
‘You okay?’ Amber asks but it’s a half-hearted question.
‘I just…’ I trail off, not sure if the next words to come out will escape my lips without tears following.
‘Look. If you want my advice keep your head down, say nothing out of turn and you’ll be fine.’
I glance at Amber and wonder how she got here. Before I can ask her, the music is suddenly louder and she is pulling at my hand. ‘You ever danced before?’
‘Not like this,’ I shout over the music.
‘Just watch me. You’ll get the hang of it.’
She drops my hand and it falls to my side before she climbs up on a podium, surrounded by cheering men I hadn’t noticed arrive. Her moves are effortless as her skin shines against the soft lighting above her. I can tell she has done this for a while, given how easy she makes it look. I can’t take my eyes off her as she moves, her limbs seemingly free from her body.
How the hell am I going to be able to do that on cue? I turn towards the door in the hope that Marcus will be standing there, watching and laughing at his sick joke. Of course, he isn’t and I have to face facts. I either dance, earn and shut up or leave and face the consequences of losing Marcus.
Amber eyes me and gestures to the podium next to hers. She’s telling me to get up and start. I move, one foot in front of the other in these stupidly high heels. Wobbling a little as I climb up, I stand there watching her, taking in every move she makes. I feel eyes on me and notice that the men who are watching her are watching me too.
I freeze in fear, self-conscious that my darkest thoughts are exposed as I tower above everyone. Then, Amber’s hand is in front of me. An offering. I glance at her and she is telling me to cross the space between our podiums and dance with her. I don’t know if that is better or worse than dancing on my own. I take her hand and step across.
The men cheer louder this time as Amber works around me. I don’t relax at all as she spins me around. That’s when I see him standing by the door, just like I’d hoped. But he isn’t laughing. Instead, his expression is blank as he watches me.
So I respond to Amber and begin dancing too. More sway than dance. But I want to prove to Marcus that I am grateful for his support in getting me back on my feet. Even if I am in six-inch heels and my underwear, secretly hating every second of this.
I spin slowly and when I look back, Marcus is gone and I feel sick.