22 
GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN

The gray haze finally lifted, and then there was sight. It hurt to move, hurt to breathe, but Justine had to know where she was. All she could see was white walls. Am I dead? Is this what it looks like to be dead? Does it hurt to be dead? Immediately, her right side started to throb. Though it hurt, her hand moved to the pain and rested gently on heavy gauze covering a wound. There’s no gauze in heaven.

She strained to place her surroundings. Definitely a hospital. She looked over at the open window and saw Darrius sleeping in a chair. His clothes were dirty and torn. His face was covered in streaks of sand and sweat, his hair in disarray. She smiled, realizing Darrius had saved her from an area she had been warned to stay away from. What would he think of her when he awakened, she wondered.

She stared at his profile. He was so relaxed, at peace…so handsome. She could see that even though she felt like death itself. With the image of her perfect Darrius burned into her mind, she went back to sleep.

When she awakened hours later, Darrius was staring at her with a less than elated expression. Justine knew what she had done was wrong, and that he had every right to be mad. She spoke first. “Darrius, I’m so sorry. I only wanted to—”

“If you can manage to sit up, drink your tea. I brought a special healing brew. This will help you heal so you can hurry up and leave New Mexico.” He sat back, expecting her to defend herself; he knew her well.

His words startled her, but she did what he expected and defended herself. “I know what I did was wrong, Darrius.”

He waved his hand. “I don’t want to hear it, Justine. I asked you not to go there. The place is dangerous. And besides, the ruins—”

“I didn’t go to the ruins, as you already know.”

“Your camera was near the ruins, Justine. Don’t deny it.”

“Near the ruins, Darrius, and that was as far as I went. I wouldn’t have gone any farther, and you know it.”

“Do I?”

“Yes!”

“But you disobeyed me, anyway. You knew the terrain was treacherous, Justine. Did you go to El Morro, too? You were gone an awfully long time.”

“Please, don’t be mad at me. I know—”

He moved his chair closer to her. “Don’t be mad at you? You’ve gotta be kidding. I clearly asked you not to go to that part of Red Rock. I know the area, Justine. I almost killed myself up there one day exploring where even I had no business going. You disobeyed me.”

Her eyes met his, concern and confusion creasing her forehead. “Disobeyed you! Darrius, I’m not a child. I’m your lover. I’m not someone who is supposed to obey you.”

“You’re right! I asked, yet you took it upon yourself to do what you wanted anyway. How can I trust someone like that, Justine?”

She tried her best to sit up and discuss this with him, but pain forced her against the pillow. Still, her weak voice continued. “I would think by now you’d know enough about me that you could still trust me. Sure, what I did was stupid, and I’m sorry. Can’t you understand that?”

“Justine, try to get this into your thick skull. It wasn’t only yourself you put in jeopardy. I rescued you with the help of my brother. All three of us could be dead in some ravine. Your parents could be less one daughter and my own parents would be facing the deaths of two more children. Two more, Justine. Losing a child isn’t an easy thing. I saw what losing a child did to my parents years ago when the baby died, and it wasn’t a pretty sight.”

His words stung like a million bee stings, but they were true. Yet she remained defensive. “I didn’t ask you to save me, did I?”

“What? How stupid is that? In case you don’t realize this, I care an awful lot about you. Maybe this whole ordeal was only one-sided. Do you even care about me and what you put me through?”

“Of course I do, and don’t ever question my love for you. That’s why I apologized. I know I was wrong.”

“You’re damn right you were wrong.” He pushed the bed tray closer to her. “Drink the tea. I had Derrick go to my store and bring it here. Even he isn’t crazy about seeing you after what you put us through.” He saw tears welling in her eyes and suddenly hated himself for being so harsh with her. He sat on the corner of her bed, smoothing the crisp white sheet over her knees, softening his voice. “How do you think it made me feel to see you lying on that slab of cracking sandstone not knowing whether you were dead or not? The minute I moved you, the slab fell. Had I not gotten there in time, you’d be part of the ravine. You wouldn’t even be recognizable.”

Her eyes widened as she visualized the image he had painted so vividly.

“Once I got you here and they told me you would survive, my heart screamed with joy. Then it hit me what you had done. You went against me, against my people’s land. Sometimes you have to know when to not be so adventurous, especially when it could endanger someone. I could have lost you.”

He stood and walked over to the door. Before leaving, he turned back to her. “Maybe I already have lost you. Maybe I care just a little bit more about us than you do. How do you think it made me feel when you didn’t trust my words? I felt so worthless and unimportant—like I was nothing more than a New Mexico fling—something to do, something to give you yet one more experience in your career. I know these lands, Justine. Let me tell you what else I think I know—that you would have eventually made it over to the ruins beyond where we found you. You may have even photographed them. Don’t say you wouldn’t have.”

She slowly looked into his eyes. “Well, you are going to hear it. Photographing the ruins was not going to happen. I know they’re sacred, Darrius. I may say and do a lot of things I shouldn’t, but exploiting native history isn’t one of them. I respected what you told me, and I never would have taken pictures. I would hope by now you would trust me.”

“Really? Why should I?”

“Because it’s true. I swear.”

“I don’t believe you. What other forbidden places have you gone to? I know there is something else. How am I to not to know you haven’t already gone up Red Rock once before? I don’t know, Justine. Something tells me there’s more to this whole charade than you’re letting on.”

“Darrius, don’t leave. Stay here so we can work this out. Help me to save us. I was wrong and I’ve admitted it. Don’t you love me enough to at least try to get over this?”

He thought about her words for a second, and then walked out. He was as stubborn and bullheaded as she was, an aspect he hated about himself. This time, however, he felt defeated. Defeated by yet another woman, and his heart dragged behind him down the long hospital hall and into the setting sun of another long Gallup evening.

* * *

For a long time, Justine stared at the door, hoping, praying, he would come back, but somehow knew he wouldn’t. He was a proud man, and his heritage was important to him. Apparently, it was more important to him than she was. In her heart, Justine knew that wasn’t true. He loved her and she knew it. She knew she was the one who soiled their relationship. Her investigative side had gotten her in a heap of trouble before, but this was, by far, the worst of her misadventures. Her heart ached as she recalled the words he had spoken. And what made them hurt more was that they were true. He knew her actions, her every move. He apparently also knew of her trip up the hills of Red Rock the other day as well. Only then she was scared to go all the way up. Today had been different.

And then she thought: Why would she want to be involved with a man who knew so much about her? Her other side answered, the side that craved love and affection and wanted it more than ever now. He was sweet, kind—the best thing that had ever happened to her. Now he was gone. Tears stained her face and bed sheets. With shaking hands, she reached for the cup of hot tea. With each sip she could taste Darrius. She could feel him in every drop. He was in her blood.

* * *

Justine sat by the entrance to the hospital waiting for her taxi to arrive. She knew Darrius should have been there, but he hadn’t been back to the hospital since their argument. She took total responsibility, but the pain of it was like a jolt of lightning. Everyone was mad at her: her boss, Darrius and probably his entire family. Seemingly, all of the Southwest was ashamed of her. She felt as if she had wandered into a sacred crypt in one of the great pyramids. Crypts, sacred grounds, what did it matter? She had messed up. Now the task at hand was to get to the train station early the next morning and return to reality. Being there with Darrius had been beyond reality, it was more like a dream vacation, and he was the best souvenir of all. That was over now.

She was helped into the taxi by her nurse and driven to the Red Rock Best Western to order room service and sulk the rest of the day and night.

When she entered her room, she realized everything was gone except for her clothing and the bracelet Darrius had given to her. She slipped it on and tried to at least keep a small part of him alive in her.

There was a note on her pillow along with an envelope. Inside, there were $200 dollars and another note. “Have a good meal or two, pay the taxi to take you to the train station. Anyway, have a good life. Darrius.”

Direct, impersonal and devoid of feeling—everything the real Darrius wasn’t. She read the other note. “I’ve packed the rest of your things and had them shipped to your home address in San Francisco. I even went back to Red Rock to retrieve your camera. I had a few men on harnesses go down and get it. It’s still usable. I also left the bracelet for you. The hospital handed a bag of your belongings to me the day I took you there. The bracelet was inside it. I figured you’d like to have this as a memento of how much I love you. I only wish you had appreciated it. Darrius.”

Her heart dropped to the basement of the hotel. From that point on, all she did was curl into a ball in the center of the bed, watch HBO and order food. Periodic tears kept her face wet until she cried herself to sleep around midnight.

* * *

Red Sky Jewelers opened up at nine each morning, and she knew she had just enough time to have the taxi run her over there for a few minutes. She was hoping for one more chance to make Darrius believe in her again.

She hesitated before pulling open the heavy oak doors to the store to face Darrius, but she knew she had to if she wanted to prove herself to him. True enough, there he was at the counter doing inventory on a pile of red-oyster necklaces. But as she moved closer, she realized it was Derrick.

Derrick’s gaze met hers and his body visibly stiffened. In a cautious monotone, he said, “I see you’re feeling better.”

“Much. I want to thank you—”

“No need.”

Moments of awkward silence passed between them before she continued. She looked around the store as if the surroundings would give her courage. But there was no courage to be had, just facts and truths. “Is…Darrius around? I’d like to—”

“Say goodbye to him?”

She stared blankly into his eyes before answering. “Uh…no. Actually, I’d like to—never mind. Is he here?”

“No.”

“Where is he?”

“He’s gone to the mountains.”

“Oh, I see. Did he have another vision?” Of us?

Derrick flashed an irritated look. “A vision!” He drummed his fingers on the counter. “If you really need to know, he went up there to think! You really messed him up. He can’t even sleep at night. He’s gone to the mountain to get some peace, think things over—start a new life.” He hung several necklaces on a rack, and then turned to her. “I don’t think this new life will involve you.”

A bomb went off inside her, shattering her insides along with any hope for forgiveness. Her words came slowly. “Can…you tell him something for me?”

“Maybe.”

“Can you tell him I love him?”

“Do you? It seems hard to believe after what you put us through.”

“Can you just tell him?” Before she heard his answer, she rushed through the door and into the taxi. Soon, New Mexico would be a blur, and thankfully so.

As the train passed mountains, she wondered which one Darrius was on. To stop herself from having a crying fit, she kissed the bracelet and thanked God for it. She at least had it to remind her that she once had love in her life.

* * *

“Ms. Paretti, your packages arrived from New Mexico. I wasn’t sure if you would have wanted me to open your loft and put them in, but I took a chance. I left everything else as is. Hope you don’t mind.”

She smiled thankfully at her landlord. “That’s fine. I’m glad someone still cares enough about me. Thanks.”

Her landlord looked at her with concern. “Are you okay?”

“Not really, David, but I suppose one day I will be—again.”

That was definitely an indication she and Darrius were finished. Something so sweet had suddenly turned so bitter, and just hearing about Darrius sending her things along had made her stomach instantly sick.

Yes, this failed relationship was definitely of her own doing.

As a diversion, she unpacked the box labeled ‘Kachinas’ and pulled out her Koshari, admiring it, touching the tasseled hat. Images of Darrius dancing the clown dance immediately popped up, and her first smile in days appeared when she remembered how well he danced, how he made her feel that night—and the awesome love they made after returning to his home. Then the smile faded and she placed the Koshari on a shelf in her living room. There was another item in the box. Justine reached inside and carefully pulled out the Crow Mother kachina. She definitely did not remember buying it, but remembered Darrius saying he would take her to buy one. She couldn’t help but smile as she held the doll, feeling its smooth wood finish. The designs painted onto the doll were so intricate, with long jagged edged ears and a foxtail circling the neck. It was a marvelous piece that easily cost six or seven hundred dollars.

She placed the doll near the Koshari, seeing it as a sign that Darrius still loved her enough to spend that kind of money to make her happy; only she didn’t need expensive things to make her feel loved by him.

Knowing she would never feel his arms around her again suddenly made her want to put both dolls away, along with the bracelet, T-shirts and any other part of the Southwest she had collected. They served to remind her of what it had cost her.

She resisted the impulse to hide everything, picking up her camera instead. One corner was damaged, but Darrius had done a great job cleaning and repairing it. She was just thankful he was able to retrieve it. Many a wonderful picture had been taken with that camera, along with her others. Funny thing, she had almost taken her other camera with her to Red Rock that day; the one where film had to be exposed in a dark room. What would Darrius have seen then? Everything he asked her not to photograph because she shouldn’t have been on that side of the park anyway. Then she thought about it. He may have downloaded the images inside this camera. He would have seen everything.

That gave her an idea—something that would possibly take her mind off Darrius, at least temporarily. Film was still inside her other camera, and she immediately went to her makeshift darkroom to develop them. Being in the dark reminded her of the first time Darrius kissed her, how his fingers slid up her blouse, caressing her skin. She shook the thought away, not wanting to recall the memory of something that would never happen again.

Minutes later, Justine hung pictures of the desert flowers atop Red Rock, the few cottonwood trees and the red mountain ranges. There was nothing of the ruins. She didn’t even know where they were, and hadn’t planned to look. Her mission had been to take great photographs and to take her curiosity to new levels by trying to see as much as possible. Whether or not that was accomplished was another story. She had slipped down slabs of sandstone, almost ending her life—all for the sake of a few personal shots. Stupid! Also, she had ignored Darrius’s warnings, had not trusted his word. Trust was very important to him, as it should be in any relationship.

She stepped back and admired the pictures, letting them take her back to a place where she had been truly happy, at least for a week. She unpacked another box and took out her personal pictures of the powwow, the day and night parade, and the hills behind Darrius’s house. Maybe the beauty of the photographs would soften her boss’s anger. Yes, her boss knew of her accident, but he was a hard-nose and wanted his stuff in on time. Justine looked at the small calendar hanging on the wall. The timing was still good, because the edition wasn’t due to print for another three days. That was the only thing that could possibly save her butt—and her job.