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ON GETTING OLDER

This will not be a chapter on adjusting mentally to getting older. There is no such thing. Nor will there be any discussion of the joys of being older. That seems highly conjectural. This is primarily about how to seem younger. With some pointers about how you can change your attitudes somewhat about things sexual.

Remember this:
YOU CAN ALWAYS LOOK TEN YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU ARE.

This was a Babe Paley dictum, but she added, “Do not hope to look more. Ten is the maximum.” And she knew what she was talking about.

Here is how you do it:

  1.      Sleep. Sleep and sleep and sleep, my darlings. I usually sleep nine hours a night and could easily sleep more. On the week ends I always stay in bed until noon on Saturday and Sunday. Your brain doesn’t actually need to rest. Did you know that? The more your body rests the better you look.
  2.      Don’t smoke. Who the hell cares about your lungs? Tobacco smoking lines your face terribly. Need I say more. If you must smoke try to only do it in public where you can throw your vices into the face of public opinion.
  3.      Must you drink? You really should try not to drink. It ruins your looks. The trouble with alcohol is that it makes you feel young and look old. The reverse is a much preferable situation: feel old and look young. Every time I look in the mirror I’m amazed; I feel like I should look one hundred.
  4.      Don’t worry about your emotions. My personal experience is that the worse you feel the better you look. And that’s a deal I’m willing to make. My mother (I promise she’s not coming up anymore) also said that at least when you had a lot of worries you got thin. Bless her. It was just an echo of Marilyn Monroe, who when asked if she was happy replied, “Let’s just say that I’m thin.” Exactly. First things first.
  5.      Be as thin as you can. Coco Chanel said,”After a certain age you must choose between your face and your ass.” I think you must always choose your ass. Things can be done about your face.
  6.      Exercise, Exercise, Exercise. This is crucial. And I don’t mean long walks. Even swimming really doesn’t burn many calories. Go to the gym. It will keep you good-looking and strong for the very long run.
  7.      Your face. Well, here we go. You must cleanse, tone and moisturize and use night cream. I have already discussed this. You shriek and throw your hands in air. Such sissy stuff: All right, get all dried out like an old prune and see who cares.

Your face and hands are exposed to the elements constantly. They need to be protected. Go to a good beauty-oriented dermatologist like Mario Badescu in New York and do what they tell you to do. You will see all the great models of the past there like Patty Hanson and they all look great. Just do what they tell you to do and stick with it. Spend your money on your face; it’s far more important than jewelry or clothes.

8.         Plastic surgery. Do not be gun-shy. Finally there’s nothing that can be done about your neck when it goes. Remember, always moisturize your neck. Someday it may be your face. And then one day, it must be pulled up. Start there. And maybe your eyes should be done, too. Don’t go for a full facelift all at once.

Forget about having your nose done or implants. They are silly and only change you for the worse. Your goal is to keep looking the way you did between 45 and 50.

Don’t have any doctor touch you unless he’s already worked on one of your friends and the results are good. Do not look for tight, tight, tight. You don’t want to wind up looking like Joan Rivers.

9.         Stand on your head. It is so beneficial. Keeps the hair in your head by keeping the blood circulating through that thin stretch of scalp that underlies your haircut. Also excellent for letting your organs take a break from the pull of gravity.

10.        Dress down. As you get older do not put more stuff on. Coco Chanel (finally, she said everything) said, “Stand in front of the mirror before you go out and take off one thing.” It could certainly be your neck chain.

Just wear navy blue, white, beige and black. Occasionally wear pink just to keep them on their toes. But always have a light color near your face. Preferably white. And be clean. Do you hear me, clean, clean, clean!

If you live in a shoe and sock wearing world, be sure your socks come up high enough. The shin is really sad looking if you’re not tan.

If you are in a sunny climate, use gallons of body lotion. Make sure your legs and arms never look dry.

11.        The sun. I personally am rather for the sun. But be judicious. Go out after three o’clock and bask for about an hour. You will build up a nice, ruddy look. Do not dream that by baking for hours and hours you’re covering up your wrinkles. You will not only look old you will look like an old alligator purse.

Okay, now assuming that you look damn good and are definitely still fuckable, let’s talk about relations. Who was it said, “Of all my relations, I like my sexual ones the best.”? Precisely. What everyone is concerned with, men and women, is having a romantic relationship that includes hanky-panky as they get older. Some things to consider:

 

  1.      Older Man/Younger man. We’ve all seen it. Wealthy older man. Cute younger man. Older man is convinced that younger man loves him for himself. We see it and smirk at it, but is it any different than an older man and a younger woman? They’re making a deal. He gets sex with a young body, the spouse gets security. The only thing missing would seem to be true intimacy. Can you get along without that? Remember, you never see a younger man with a poor older man.
  2.      Laughable Loves. Please don’t be getting crushes on much younger men you can only long for. Only heterosexual men are allowed by society to never grow up. Women and homosexuals must grow up to survive. Impossible and laughable loves only mean you have no real intention of having a true romantic relationship with anyone and you prefer to slip off into the world of dreams. This really isn’t worthy of you.
  3.      The Blow Job. Many older men seem to think giving someone a blowjob constitutes a sex life. I assure you it does not. A blowjob is only just a blowjob. It is just a preliminary to sexual intercourse and has nothing to do with a real relationship. I think you should hold out for the relationship. Perhaps I’m being too demanding. Perhaps you don’t really want one.
  4.      Pornography. Do not underestimate the necessity of pornography in the older person’s life. Even the famous and innovative architect Buckminster Fuller was quoted as saying it was very important in the later years. Truly, “If you don’t use it you lose it.” If you are ashamed to admit that you masturbate you are truly of another time and space. Everybody does it. And as you get older it’s a must. And, as the line from the “The Boys in the Band” goes, “It doesn’t matter how your hair looks.”
  5.      On Embarrassing Yourself. Always keep firmly in mind what you used to think about older men. The toupees, the comb-overs, the obvious dye job, the paid hustlers, the inappropriate lover or boyfriend, the desperation. Don’t embarrass yourself, don’t kid yourself. As you get older you must get tougher and tougher with yourself.
  6.      On Loneliness. Just because you’re not with someone doesn’t mean you’re doomed to loneliness. Many couples are individually lonely. In both heterosexual and homosexual couples, how many of them have a best friend who is not the person they’re living with? Ideally, if you are with someone they are not only your love object but also your best friend. To avoid loneliness, try this:
  7.      Think of Others. The minute you feel lonely think of someone who may be lonelier than yourself. It is not necessarily another man. It could be an older person, a younger person on their own, etc. It should probably not be someone who is a possibility as a relationship. Then there is no hidden agenda. You’ll be amazed how quickly loneliness dissipates the moment you concern yourself with someone else who needs your attention.
  8.      Hang Around With Younger People. Nothing is more aging than being with your own age group. Those gray-haired outsiders, all at a table together goggling at young passers-by. Unflattering image. Being with older people you start walking carefully, lowering yourself into chairs, peering through bifocals. Stay with younger people and you won’t start acting this way. Immediately you will say, “But how?” Make an effort, my dear. Give parties. Have a gym trainer you really like (please don’t fall in love with him) and get to know his friends. Invite him and his pals to the movies. If you act like them they will not think of you as an older person.
  9.      Slumping. There is absolutely no need for this. You think this is how people behave at your age so you do it. Please don’t. There is absolutely no need to pick up this kind of behavior from your peers.
  10.      Join Things. Get into local gay activities. If there’s a Gay Men’s Chorus, join it. Even if you can’t sing. That doesn’t matter. Any Gay and Lesbian organization is good, too. These are the local energetic young folks of your community. They need your help. They don’t particularly need your money but they can certainly use a mature point of view on many things.
  11.      Get to Know Your Neighbors. Young couples, young non-gay men and women all like having a more mature person among their friends. Many lack any real decent parenting (heterosexual older couples are the worst) and just make sure you are really making friends and being a friend. Using friendship as a guise for finding a lover never works. But you’ll be surprised how attractive your ever-youthful demeanor is to others you would never suspect might become interested in you. This is really good advice. Take it.

OLDER STYLE

Avoid the Jewish Mother syndrome. Never make younger people feel it is their duty to see you and spend time with you. Always be doing more interesting things than they are.

Tell them, “I can’t be with you at Thanksgiving. I’m visiting a friend on the Isle of Lesbos.” This is an ideal example of how to make younger people want to know you. Of course you must truly have a friend on the Isle of Lesbos. This part is up to you.