A plus about gay relationships is that two men are less likely to stay together once their relationship is dead. Heterosexuals stay together because of the kids, the country club, the house, the relatives. But for gay men, when it’s over they’re out of there. I explained this to a heterosexual married male friend who said, “I know. I know. There’s a lot to be said for homosexual lifestyle. It’s only the sex part that I boggle at.” Which is to say:
There’s no use whipping a dead horse. If the two of you really don’t want to sleep together anymore, don’t want to talk together anymore, don’t want to be together anymore, then split.
Two big hang-ups:
Hopefully you’re not involved with joint property ownership. Hopefully you haven’t given up everything (including a promising career on the stage) for him. You probably did, and more the fool you.
2. You both are afraid of being alone. This is a fear to conquer. You don’t want to replicate heterosexual marriages. My definition of many heterosexual marriages is that you are with someone you don’t particularly care about which makes it impossible for you to meet someone you might care about.
If you are being left behind, you’re probably the one who loved the most. So you can tell yourself, the relationship may not have been successful but the experience was.
If the experience wasn’t great and fulfilling, you shouldn’t be feeling so bad. If it was, remember, you were the one that got the greatness from the relationship. He missed out.
You have a destiny. Don’t fight it. If you consistently do those things you feel you should do instead of those things that seem the sensible thing to do, you are following your destiny. And that goes well beyond what’s right and what’s wrong.
You do not always know what is right for yourself. What you want may not be what is right for you and where your destiny is taking you. Frequently we want what our mother wanted, without even thinking that we may have a more singular destiny than she did. Give yourself over to it. Go ahead, suffer. When you suffer you can learn. And that’s what this whole process is all about. Learning so as to not make the same mistakes all over again.
Do you wind up with the same sort of guy over and over, always with bad results? This is really something to think about. Not that you should change your type. But realize that the right kind of guy for you basically can not be long lasting. You just want to have that emotional thrill and then it’s over. Eventually you will be over the thrill and move on. But don’t force yourself. Maybe you will grow up and stay with him.
Think seriously about this. If you are in it for romance, this is a terminal activity. It has an end. And then you start again. If you are confusing the two, separate them and ask yourself which one you really prefer. Then do it.
And do you really want to be married? Why in heaven’s name would you want a marriage like your parents? Or are you one of those people who think, “Somebody has to get it right?”
Love is like the child of your relationship. When you break up, love dies, and it is exactly like losing a child. So you must suffer. And if you are any kind of person at all you will really never get over it. But life must go on. One of my friends once said to me:
This must be your motto. Gay guys and geisha girls have a lot in common. It is not part of our lifescape to be mooning around and looking bad and telling people how terrible we feel. Keep it to yourself. You will get the most out of your suffering that way. Rat-a-tatting about it over the telephone to your friends all the time is very high school. You’re only cheapening the experience. And the final piece of knowledge you should have is:
They do keep coming back, remembering you as the one who really loved them and was their most meaningful relationship. This requires that you look eternally good and remain fun to be with. Can you do it? Hopefully you can.