I OPEN THE door and Selina stands there, all tight smile and tension. “Hi,” she says. I don’t believe the cheeriness.
“Ms. Klein.”
“Look, this is kinda awkward, but I really do think you need to go. I know your dad wants you to stay, but we need to be the realistic ones here. The MoJ and the US gov-corp agreed that you could be here for the funeral as long as you leave the same day. I promised Collindale I’d get you back to the border, and if I don’t, I’ll be in trouble with him and you’ll be in trouble with your boss. So . . .”
“You’re absolutely right,” I say, grabbing my case. “Let’s go.”
She beams with relief. “I’m so glad you understand. I feel so bad about this.”
We set off for the car and as I follow her through the warren, I turn my mind to my next steps. I slow down as I realize my options are as narrow as this corridor. If she drives me to the border, Collindale will remove the bracelet and that fucking golden G will be back and I’ll get grief from Gabor about where his husband is. And with his APA controlling my access to the Internet, I can’t release the data to all the global news agencies I need to at once.
If I refuse to have the bracelet taken off, Collindale will get suspicious, so that’s not an option. If I dump Selina and steal the car, I’ll be a nonperson trying to find a way to get this information out into the world without any Internet access, in the country most motivated to keep it covered up. And if whoever killed Delaney tracked that far, there’s every chance they’ll be looking for me too. Hell, if it was the US who killed hir, Collindale could be waiting to kill me too.
Fuck!
There’s no way to get this out in the open in time. It was just a little heroic fantasy, just as ready to crumble in the face of reality as any other fairy tale. The expansive hope that filled me but minutes before has been popped like a balloon. I’ve never wanted my freedom so keenly, so painfully, as I do in this moment. I want to see Gabor taken down but that’s not going to happen, and that bitter kernel that’s taken root inside me feels comforted by that thought. I know the way the world works and there’s no justice that can touch a creature like him. As perversely satisfying as it is to be proven right, there’s no solace in having one’s utter powerlessness confirmed.
There will be resource wars again, once the conspiracy comes to light, but there’s nothing I can do about that. It wasn’t my doing and I cannot undo it either. Like every other person struggling through life, in the end it comes down to protecting myself and the ones I love. I cannot save the world.
By the time I’ve figured this out, we’re outside, walking past the hall. I can see she’s watching me carefully, no doubt worried I’ll insist on saying good-bye to my father and causing a confrontation between them.
My choices are shrinking, along with my ability to think calmly. I can’t leave with her. I won’t kidnap Travis. I couldn’t live with myself for one thing, and for another I don’t think Gabor will treat me any better. There’s the outside chance the US will kill him, but this close to Rapture, they may just decide to leave him be. Going on the run as a nonperson would mean I’d still be stuck in the US when Rapture happens, and this is the last place on Earth I’d want to be then.
I either blow it all open to the people in that hall and let them force the US to stop it, or I try to get on that ship and leave this shitty planet behind.
I stop. My heart booms in my ears and my breath chokes in my tight throat, constricted by this simple and horribly complex choice. I raise my palm until it’s level with my chest and push it downward, desperately clinging to the old technique in the hope of salvaging a rational thought from this bubbling mass of panic. I breathe in deeply. Now able to examine the base assumptions beneath this choice once more, it becomes painfully apparent to me that a room full of angry scientists are as capable of stopping the US gov-corp’s plans as a cluster of gnats are capable of stopping a hurricane.
“Selina,” I say, and she stops. “I can’t go with you.”
The blood rush of making the decision threatens this brittle calm. I don’t want to leave Earth, but not as much as I don’t want to be left behind again. And in that moment I share that pure fear across the divide of death. I understand now, in a way I simply couldn’t before, why Alejandro felt it was better to die than be abandoned a second time.
Selina is staring at me, weighing the risks of escalation.
“I can’t leave the Circle now.” I keep my voice soft. “I know about Rapture.”
Her eyes widen and then she nods slowly. “Shit,” she says with a half smile. “We were worried you’d figure it out.”
For a moment I’m scared she’s just going to kill me, but there’s nothing in her body language to suggest it. “You’re with the US gov-corp, aren’t you? They briefed you to keep me from finding anything out here, right?”
She nods again. “Look, if you know, it changes everything. I need to—”
“I want to take Theo’s place on Atlas Two.”
Selina half laughs and looks away. “It’s not a cruise liner, Mr. Moreno. Everyone is handpicked. Did your dad tell you about Rapture? Did he say he’d get you a place?”
“No. I found out through my investigation. But I think my dad would want me to go with you all.”
She folds her arms. “He’s put in an application, but it’ll be turned down. He doesn’t know that yet. He doesn’t understand how complex it all is. So I’m sorry, but you just . . . You have to just accept you can’t come with us.”
A ferocious surge of primal self-protection floods my body with more adrenaline. I’m not going to let yet another person steal my future away from me again. “Did they tell you what really happened in England? To Alejandro?”
Her face creases with the echoes of grief. “Yes. I know he killed himself. Collindale debriefed me on the plane coming back. What’s that got to do with—”
“Did Collindale tell you why he killed himself?”
Her arms shift position, moving to hold herself tight. “He said it was the pressure. He couldn’t face the thought of leading us up in space.”
“You didn’t believe that, did you? I can see you don’t.”
She looks down at the dust between us. “Something changed. I don’t know what. Maybe he just snapped.”
“You’re not stupid.” I put down my case and close the distance between us. “He killed himself because he found out the US gov-corp was going to force him to stay behind. He couldn’t handle it.”
“But that doesn’t make any sense!”
“They didn’t want someone with all that power and influence over the most important people in Rapture to continue to have that power and influence off-world. The US gov-corp has a hierarchy they fully intend to maintain long after Earth is left behind.”
She covers her mouth and I see the horror in her eyes as she finally understands the truth. Tears well and I take another step closer, dropping my voice.
“This is the way it’s going to play out: you’re going to back my father’s application for my place on board, and for one other person from Norope. And don’t tell me the MoJ contract is going to be a problem, because it fucking won’t be—trust me on that. If you don’t get me those two places on board, I’ll go into that room and tell everyone there what your wonderful gov-corp did to the man they loved, and we’ll see how long this project holds together. Your brief is to make sure I don’t fuck up Rapture, right? This is the way to make that happen. Do we have a deal?”