I sit on my shelf - well, Inda's shelf, actually - and ponder my future. I just can't go through my life like a big fudgy blob. I have to apply myself to something.
I close my eyes and visualise the plushy-red carpet. I'm prancing up it…
No, not prancing: sashaying.
That's me - all a-sashay.
A guard of honour of well-heeled and well-to-do feelis is taking a collective breath and holding out all manner of things for me to autograph as I glide forward.
Ahead I see my precious starlet kisskie, Dacata, and even she's waiting to kiss my paw. I nod to her with that knowing, surreptitious superstar nod, as intrinsic as a Catonic handshake.
Ooh, look. There's even some deuxjambs hovering around behind them, genuflecting to my apparent glory as I parade past with tail held high.
Above the portal to the imposing building, a banner flaps:
43rd International Origami Expo
Sacatmento, Catifornia
Featuring world-renowned exponent Pussfessor Inki Kazumi
Special guest appearance by new world champion,
Juno Campbell
I'm the star of the show - I can't believe it. And from such humble beginnings. I turn to look behind me and realise that the eight or ten feelis humbly following me are my very own entourage. They all stand to attention as I turn; obviously to avoid upstaging me. I feel like the Queen of Sheepa.
This should make Pussfessor Kazumi feel pretty insignificat; his retinue is only two pointy-faced, blue-eyed, skinny-legged subjects.
The crowd is quite unbelievable and I have to duck occasionally to miss being hit with a barrage of paper floomies dropping out of the sky. It's like a sticky tape parade!
It's obviously quite a big deal, this expo, but strangely I feel right at home. Like it's my birth right to be here. I puff out my chest and suck in my flabby flap as best I can, and nod to the adoring crowd, waving occasionally like that deuxjamb lady with the jewels on her head-
'Umbi! Umbi!' The crowds go roopy with cat-a-calling.
'Hey! Umbi!'
Oh dash, that thought flies out of my head like a flock of queekees flying south as I'm jolted from my reverie by my insistent dossy.
'What's up, Inda?'
'It's nearly dinner time, Umbi, you've been asleep for two hours. Miss Steph's in the kitchen and it smells good. It smells like yummy roast queekee-fowl.'
Oooh. To me it smells a bit like Hayoo and Darling's favourite, Cattucky Fried Queekee-fowl!
'Oh good, I was just thinking about food,' I lie. Then the smell hits me. My nostrils flare to absorb the transcendental wafts from the kitchen. Oops, slobber.
I'd better make room for this. I flop off the shelf onto the ramp and down to the floor and then I see it! A pristine sheet of paper lining our kackapod. I might just have time to whip up another masterpiece before dinner. I stretch a bit to inspire my creative juices and limber up my paws - very important, of course, for an expert origamiist.
I delicately pull the paper out, thankful that Inda hasn't soiled it this afternoon, and set to work, being careful not to dinner-drool on the paper and soggify it. A fold here, a crease there, a corresponding crease on this side, flip it over and turn it back the other way. Crouch and hold one end with my elbow and define the crease with my other paw, twist it around again, hold my mouth in the right position and - voila! It's a, um…
'Hey guys, Red and Mars, what do you call those colourful things Japanese women wear?'
'Um. Hang on; it'll come to us,' they reply. 'A kabana; no, hang on, a kibbutz. No, um we know it starts with k,' they say in unison.
'A kimono,' the Colonel announces knowingly.
'Yep, that's it. Well I've made one; it's not very colourful but.'
'Oh Umbi, that's neat. It's cool. Can you teach me how to do that?' Inda asks.
'I would, darling, if I had more paper. We'll have to wait until after dinner and get some more from the office.'
I carefully stand my creation up against the wall. Its symmetry is perfect; ah, the talent. Now, if that doesn't impress Miss Steph! Ooh, maybe she'll give me more for dinner. I'm pretty pleased with myself, so I decide to lick my ooti. I'm so absorbed in the ritual that I hardly notice Miss Steph opening the gate behind me. But I can smell the delectable dinner she has for us as she bends down to place two bowls on the shelf.
'Now, Miss Fudgepuddle, don't you eat Coalpit's dinner will you.' It's a request not a question I gather.
'I wouldn't dream of it. What sort of umbi do you think I am, that I'd eat my own kisskie's food?'
She ignores me as usual.
'Oh, look at this,' Miss Steph says as she bends down to pick up my masterpiece. 'It looks like another paper plane. Just what do you cats get up to when I'm not here?' She's asking the question directly at me; staring into my eyes.
A kimono, it's a kimono, silly! Oh no, don't screw it up.
I can't watch. I hold my paws over my eyes, nearly overbalancing in the process. I'm waiting to hear the sound of paper getting screwed up…
I'm still waiting. I slowly move one paw, just enough to peer around. She's standing there turning it upside down and back to front; her brow furrowed like a… furrow.
'You know, this looks a bit like, um, what do they call it?'
Success! She actually knows what it is. I can't believe it. Now she must realise how clever I am. Surely, there's got to be more queekee-fowl in this for me. I go all coy.
'Meh.' That's all I can say. 'Meh.'
'Origami, that's it.'
'Meh, meh.'
She shakes her head and gives me a scratch on mine. Ooh, more, more please. She bends down, grabs my cheeks in both hands and blows hot air on my head, making a 'brrrrrrrr' noise as she does it. I go all gooey. And I'd thought only Hamish the Handsome, or maybe Big Dan, could have that affect on me.
I smile a big smile and quirrel as loudly as I can.
'I'll have to tell those silly children of mine to keep their school projects out of here, won't I?'
'Huh? What? But-'
She carefully puts my piece of paper perfection on the shelf and picks me up. Yes, she's got one arm around me and the other under my ooti. Just as well I just washed there. She holds me close to her chest and repeats, 'What a smoochy girl.'
I quirrel so excitedly I dribble all down her hand. She doesn't even flinch.
'Maybe the kids think you've got oriental in you. Japanese bobtail, maybe,' she laughs.
Maybe. Ooh, you mean maybe I might have some pedigree blood in my background? It's possible. It would explain my preference for wimby and my now-obvious innate talent for paper folding. Maybe I could take up ikebana or bonsai as well. I wonder if it's possible that there is something special about me after all.
Miss Steph quickly shatters my illusions. 'Not very likely. More like Japanese blobtail,' she laughs.
Oh the ignominy of it all - and just when I was feeling so good about myself. But she gives me a long kiss on the head and another scratch on the neck so I instantly forgive her. She plops me back on the ramp and turns around and picks up Inda who's been sitting there with a big grin on his face. She kisses him on the head and he starts to quirrel, smiling at me all the time.
'Now, just look at the mess you two have made here.' She bends down and picks up our kackapod and disappears for a moment. She returns a moment later with two kackapods. Wow, one each, which of course means two more sheets of paper to paw over. But first things first: dinner, of course.
After polishing off my paw-licking-good queekee-fowl, I give myself an all-over wash; a PFO, I call it - pawpits, face and ooti. I watch Inda, who's doing the same, and remind him to wash behind his ears.
'Okay, ready for some more intercat purrfling now,' I call out to everybody.
'It's okay for you, Miss Garbageguts,' Rocky calls back, 'we're still eating'.
'And Miss Steph's still here,' says Big Dan.
'I certainly hope she is,' Finny calls out from the other end of the room. 'I haven't even got my dinner yet. Smells good though'.
'It was, it was,' I affirm.
'I'm just sharpening my nails while I'm waiting,' Zsa Zsa calls out. 'Oh darn, I've broken another one.'
So I have to wait. I might as well work on another creation. Just because Miss Steph doesn't appreciate it, doesn't mean I'm not going to keep doing it. Deuxjambs are just so self-absorbed sometimes. It just figures she'd think those silly-children of hers were capable of doing origami, but not give my talent a thought.
Hmm, let's think about this. I carefully pull out one of the sheets of paper from the kackapod. It's amazing how I just seem to know how to do this. Inda, licking his paw to give his mouth a good tidy-up, sits above me on the shelf.
'Are you gonna make something else, Umbi?'
'Yep. I'm just trying to decide.'
'Make a woozel or a hibby.'
'Okay, that sounds easy enough.' I carefully fold the paper diagonally, then fold it the opposite way. I pick it up and, sitting on my haunches, I do a bit of this and a bit of that; a fold here, a tuck there, a bit of masterful manipulation with this corner and there it is!
'Wow, Umbi, that's incredible. It looks just like a real woozel.'
It just astounds me how clever I am. Such dexterity, such creativity, such brilliance. I'm a natural. I could probably fool a real woozel with this.
'Hey, Juno, c'mon we've got the puterbox going again.'
Big Dan is standing in the doorway beckoning to me in that tantalising, titivating way that he does. Inda is already way ahead of me, skidding through the doorway and losing traction on the tiles.
'Hurry, Umbi,' he calls as he disappears around the corner into the office. 'I want to look up Erna again and see what she's up to.'
Sounds good to me. I plonk delicately out of my comfy-tub onto the floor and glide across to the door. I do hate to run coz, though I don't like to admit it, there is the likelihood of tripping over my own swinging flabby-flap. I saunter into the office and find almost everyone is there ahead of me.
Big Dan has very politely saved me a seat in front. I jump up just as Erna's weblike finishes loading. A news flash flickers across the screen:
Dacata confesses: 'I don't know who my fuddy is'
- Ms Fanny confesses her deepest secrets on the
David Letterbomb show
'Oh arrgarg,' I wail. 'How embarrassing, now the whole world knows. Uck and I can't stand that Letterbomb bloke. Obnoxious, supercilious, catankerous; the sort of guy you reserve all these big words for.' I cover my eyes in shame. I can't look any more.
'Uh-oh,' Maharani says, 'if you think that's bad-'
'What?' I blubber. I can't look.
'You're not gonna like this.'
I move my paw just enough to glimpse the screen.
Dacata says -
'My umbi is an overweight yellumoholic'
Good grief, has she no shame? 'Okay, enough already. Just wait until I get close enough to have a word in that girl's ear. C'mon let's look at something else now. Hey, can we doodle Origami? I want to get some ideas.'
Inda types it in and we all wait, twiddling our collective toes, while the puterbox cogitates. A long list appears on the screen and I scan down it, not really knowing how to pick one site over any other. Inda scrolls down.
'Hey, wait a minute. Click on that one,' I say, pointing. In a moment a weblike appears and as it loads, my mouth starts to gape and I feel a bit giddy. I can't believe what I'm seeing.
It's all about the annual International Origami Expo Convention and there's a big picture of - I can't believe it - Pussfessor Inki Kazumi!
I feel truly faint as I stare at the screen.
'Hey, what's the matter, Fudgepuddle?' Raffles asks. 'Your eyes have gone all whiffle.'
I look at him but can hardly focus. 'Huh? Um, you're not going to believe it, but I just had a dream about this. About the expo and this pussfessor.
'But I dreamed that I was there - in Sacatmento. And I was a star; even Dacata was there to congratulate me. But how is that possible? How could I have known about this? I'd never even heard of him before.'
'Maybe you're psychit,' the Colonel suggests.
'Maybe you can see into the future like, like Nostradammit,' Maharani offers.
'Maybe I can. I mean how could I have possibly known this? When is it?' I ask; like I'd have a wimby-out-of-water's hope of being able to go.
'Umm, there you go, March 23 to 26,' Inda says.
'Oh foop! That's next month, like only five weeks away. So much for that then. How would I possibly get there?' I'm crestfallen. I pout. I put on my most miserable face. I stick out my bottom lip and I repeat, 'Oh foop!'
'But but, look,' Inda says excitedly. 'It says here that the Australian qualifying contest is on March 2nd to 4th. And the winner of that gets to travel free to Sacatmento for the international expo!'
My ears prick up, my lip snaps up, my face brightens up and I nearly chuck… with all the excitement I mean. I look around me and see nods of approval from everyone.
'There's hope for you yet, girl,' Big Dan says, with an affectionate tone to his voice. 'If you can get to the qualifier.'
'Yes, yes, maybe I can.'
'Hey,' Raffles butts in, 'all we've got to do is print this out and leave it on the desk for Miss Steph. That will give her the idea and then she'll pass it on to your deuxjambs and maybe, maybe they'll take you there. Good idea, huh?'
'That is a very good plan,' the Colonel nods.
'Ooh, I wish I could go too,' Maharani says.
'Me too, me too,' Finny agrees.
'Hey, if anyone should go with her, it should be me. I am family after all,' Inda reminds us.
'You have a good point there darling, except that, of course, the deuxjambs don't know that.'
'Mmm,' he acknowledges. He scrolls further down. 'It looks like you'd have quite a bit of competition. It says here the Australian champion for four years in a row is an Oriental by the name of Junji Sato.'
'Does that mean he has a black belt in origami?' Finny asks.
'Dunno, probably. Wow, look at that!' Inda points at the screen and everyone takes an audible breath as we stare transfixed. Choux-Fleur tilts her head sideways to try to figure it out.
'It's fantastic but what is it?' Finny asks.
'Beats me. Oh, hang on, it says here it's a Tricerapots. Looks complicated,' Raffles says.
'What's a Tricerapots?' Inda asks.
'Not sure, but I think I saw one in the back yard once. Do you think you could make that Tricerapots?' Big Dan asks me.
'I reckon I could. Here, pass me some of that paper over.'
Raffles slips me a piece of paper from the tray beside him. I grab it with both paws, shut my eyes and start. I ignore the titters and 'ahs' going on around me and bend and fold like it's second nature to me. It takes a bit longer than the wimby or the kimono but before long I'm proudly holding out a perfect orange Tricerapots. Whatever that is.
'Wow!' Raffles says, 'I was timing that. Fifty-two seconds, that's amazing. This Sato guy here says that his took about twenty minutes to make.' Raffles shakes his head in disbelief.
'You are amazing, you're a star, Fudgepuddle; er, ah, sorry, Juno.'
Suddenly I'm surrounded by clapping - which for feelis, is more of a sight thing than a sound thing - and everyone is patting me on the back and nodding. And, I can't believe it, Big Dan is even bowing to me like I'm royalty, or a queen something.
'You absolutely have to get yourself to this contest, Juno,' the Colonel says. 'You'll be the talk of the origami world. Who knows, you might even be able to topple that Sato guy and that Pussfessor Kazumi off their perches. I can see it now…'
He adopts his most eloquent voice and waves his paws expansively and says: 'Introducing the new star of origamidom, the quickest, cleverest and most dexterous new talent in many a long year - the incredible Juno!
'Just wait until you tell them all how you discovered your talent; while taking a grunty in your kackapod,' he laughs. 'As Catfucius once say: Feeli who master kackapod paper go on to rule Japan!'
'Did he really say that?' Finny asks.
'Well, words to that effect,' the Colonel replies.
Red and Mars chime in, 'We think you'll find that Catfucius was Chinese, not Japanese. But nevertheless, we both think you should go for it.'
'I don't know,' I say, 'knowing my luck I'd be beaten by a folding chair.'
So, I'm sitting back in my, sorry, our pen, surrounded by folded paper objects of all kinds. Inda's urging me on: 'make this, make that, make a boffle, make a floomy, make a keckoo'.
Honestly, I tell him, if I fold any faster I'll be perforated. But, it seems, that with an endless supply of paper, especially this pretty coloured stuff Raffles found on the shelf in the office, there's nothing I can't create. I'm just a paper-folding freak. It's almost like someone else is controlling my paws. I can even do it in the dark! And now I'm starting to wonder whether there really is something in this clairvoyanty stuff. Maybe Sizi got her talent from me, without me even knowing I had it. Wow. Maybe I'm a clairvoyant origamiist. I grin a big grin.
'Umbi, what are you doing?'
'Huh? Oh, nothing, Inda-mine, nothing really. I was just having a Zen moment.'