Second Hand Heart

Hannah

I gape at Caleb, trying to find a hint of regret or dishonesty. I don’t see any of either. “No, you don’t. You can’t love me. We’re not the same people we were before, and too much has happened. You’re confusing love with… familiarity or exposure.”

He deflates, slumping into the back cushions. “Do you honestly think I don’t know the difference? I’m familiar with Jorge and Tyson too, but trust me, neither of them are on my mind every waking minute. I don’t think about a future with them, or about kissing them, or what our kids would look like.”

I choose to ignore him admitting he thinks about kissing me, because I won’t lie and say I don’t think about that too. “Well, to be fair, that’s a biological impossibility. You could always adopt or get a surrogate, but Tyson said he never wants kids, and Jorge already has four.”

“Hannah.” Caleb smirks, which softens his tense jaw. “That wasn’t my point at all. I don’t want Jorge’s kids.” He leans closer, resting his hand on mine. “I know you despise scallops, but you can cook them to perfection every time. You hate baking and prefer fruit-based desserts because you think chocolate is overused. You prefer making side dishes over proteins, and I think that’s because they often get overlooked and you want to make them spectacular. Which you do, by the way. The day that made you fall in love with cooking was your parents’ twentieth wedding anniversary, which was also the day I fell in love with you. Having you around again, I thought it made me fall in love all over, but looking back, I know I never stopped.”

If this is supposed to be a confession of his undying love, it isn’t exactly what I’ve been dreaming of for ten years. “You don’t even see how everything you said just proved my point? Everything you know about me is related to food, Caleb. To my job. It has nothing to do with who I am as a person. You know Chef Hannah, not Hannah Parker.”

“You’re kidding yourself if you think that your job isn’t a huge part of who you are. You didn’t choose this path because it’s easy work. You go in there and give your all every day because that is who you are.”

He shifts a few inches closer, so our hands are no longer our only point of contact. His proximity is enough to make me shiver from the sensation rushing across my skin.

“If you want me to prove my point, I will, and I’ll keep proving it until you can’t doubt how much I love you.”

Those three words again make my throat go dry. I could use another drink, but I drank so much buttered rum today, my arteries will be clogged for the next three to six months. So, instead, I stare at Caleb, allowing his presence to give me the same buzz. Though I fear he’s much more dangerous for my heart than clogged arteries.

He clears his throat and gently squeezes my hand. “You always wanted a pug because you read that they’re great family pets and are good with children. You’re a diehard fan of Kelly Clarkson and you’ll fight anyone who says she isn’t one of the best vocalists of our generation. You still love The Powerpuff Girls, though you’d never admit it out loud. Side note, I will admit your Powerpuff Girls pyjamas are by far my favourite, and the fact your dad still calls you Buttercup is adorable.” He smirks again, causing my cheeks to burn hot. “I know you’ll stand up to fight for everyone else before yourself. You’re the type of person who gives her all to everything. And right now, you’re giving your all to resisting me. But I don’t think you want to, Hannah. So why can’t you fight for yourself? For what you want?” He lifts his hand and grazes his thumb along my jaw.

It’s not fair he has these historical tidbits of information in his memory bank to draw on. And as much as his last point is accurate, my fear that he’ll hurt me again makes me disagree. “You’re wrong.”

His eyebrows raise, but he keeps his eyes locked on mine.

“I love The Powerpuff Girls and Kelly Clarkson, and I’m not afraid to admit either. But I’m insecure and indecisive. I drive myself crazy being a perfectionist because I’m so afraid of letting people down. I’m uncertain in my own decisions because I’ve repeatedly made the wrong ones—especially where my heart is concerned. So you can say you love me, but the truth is”—I stop, taking a deep breath because I don’t want to hurt him, but I have to be honest—“I’m afraid to love you back.”

He studies me for a moment, still skimming his thumb along my jaw, sending hordes of butterflies right to my core. “Then can you let me love you until you can trust me again?”

Can I? For ten years, I’ve thought about the possibility of having Caleb back in my life again. Now he’s presenting me with that reality on a silver platter, and I’m not sure I’m brave enough to take it.

“I told you I forgive you. And I mean it… I do. So it’s not a matter of me not trusting you. I can’t trust myself.”

He finally drops his hand. My confused heart releases a surge of regret, making me want to beg him to put it back. But I wasn’t kidding when I said I can’t trust myself. I know how I think I feel about Caleb. That’s the main reason our back and forth over the last few months has been so taxing. Whether I can take the chance is another matter.

Caleb surprises me by saying, “Tell me what you know about me. Who am I?”

That’s a loaded question. Because, like him, I have a lot of history to draw on. “Caleb McNamara. Chef extraordinaire. You… you know what? I don’t even know much about who you are now. You used to like running. Now, I don’t know. You used to love watching baseball, but I haven’t heard you mention it once. Your sister used to be your best friend, but that could have changed too. See, so much has changed, I don’t know you anymore.”

“Baseball isn’t as popular in France, so I kind of lost interest. I stopped running when I finished high school but now I do muay thai with Oscar… sometimes. Not as often as he wants me to.”

Suddenly, his handling of Todd makes more sense. “That’s how you gave Todd a bloody nose.”

He turns away, looking down at his lap. “I’m pretty sure even without any training, I’d have done the same thing. But I never started working out with Oscar so I could beat people up.” He lifts his eyes to meet mine.

Logically, I know that. He’s not the type of person who feels the need to physically intimidate people to gain control. Even when he’s shouting and dishing out colourful criticisms over someone’s work, I’ve never been afraid of him. His presence has overwhelmed me, not terrified me.

“Okay, so you’re a bit of a hot-head sometimes, but that comes from being so passionate. That same passion makes you intense and laser-focused, and when you really want something, you…”

“I, what?” he asks, locking his gaze on me.

“You… work hard at it.”

With a renewed intensity I haven’t seen for over a decade—not even in the kitchen—Caleb concludes, “There’s nothing I want more than a second chance, Hannah. If you want to take this other job, take it. If this is the opportunity you’ve been waiting for to follow your dreams, I won’t stand in your way for a second. In fact, if that’s the case, I want you to take it. But I’m not afraid to work hard to prove how serious I am about you. This time, the only person who will keep me from you is you.”