Impossible

Caleb

“Can I speak to Caleb McNamara, please?” an unfamiliar man’s voice asks when I answer my phone.

“Speaking.”

“I’m calling to inquire about an employee of yours; Hannah Parker?”

I freeze the second he mentions her name. “Can I ask what this is about?”

“She’s used you as a reference.”

Again, I take a pause, running through different scenarios in my head. She did mention getting her own place some time ago. That could be it. Or maybe a credit application? A car loan? Then again, it’s hard to know when she’s barely spoken to me for the past two weeks. Ever since I choked in my car and couldn’t explain what I wanted to.

Finally, I just ask, “A reference for what?”

“You’re listed on her resume as her current boss. I just need to ask about her performance at work.”

She listed me as a work reference? For another job? Why would she…? My arm goes slack, so the phone falls away from my ear. There’s no way she applied for this job months ago and they’re only calling her now. All this time, I kept wavering between wanting her to stay or leave, but now the answer is crystal clear.

I lift the phone back to my ear to reply. “Now isn’t a good time for me. Can I call you back at this number when I have a minute?”

“Oh, sure. The sooner the better. We have some positions we need filled, and she mentioned on her application she’ll have to relocate.”

Relocate? “Where are you located?”

“Vancouver.”

That’s clear across the country. It’s not as far as France, but it’s far enough it would put an end to us before we even start again. I can’t blame her for that though, when I keep screwing everything up.

I mutter a few final words to the man on the phone before hanging up.

Is this some karmic joke? After how I walked away from her, now she’s planning to do the same? Granted, the situation is different. We’re not a couple, and she doesn’t owe me any professional loyalty. But the reality is, I don’t want her to leave, and it has nothing to do with her job.

Now, not only do I have to make it through the day without letting this eat away at me, I have to make up a reason to talk to her so I can figure out what her intentions are. Obviously, she didn’t care about me finding out, or she wouldn’t have listed me as a reference.

I rush to get ready so I can go to Hibiscus and drown my racing thoughts in something more productive.

My shoulders are tense for my entire drive. I utter more than a few expletives at other idiot drivers who don’t know how to work a turn signal. Oscar has been on my case about discipline and controlling emotions so I can harness them properly, or some other mumbo jumbo. Harnessing emotions has never been a real strong suit of mine. I’d rather pound them into a heavy bag or pour them out in the form of sweat. That’s been working a lot better than yoga.

Lucky for the long line-up of people at the elevator, I’ve unloaded most of my frustration on the Gardiner Expressway.

Unlucky for me, I walk into my kitchen to find Hannah and Adriano working side by side, laughing and smiling. I like Adriano most of the time. I hate him right now.

“Morning, Chef,” he greets me with a wide grin.

The smile falls right off of Hannah’s face as she glances up at me, then returns to her work with her lips in a tight line.

I need to fix this.

But now is not the time.

“Morning, Adriano. Hannah.” I give them both a cursory nod as I walk past into my office. The chaos in here is nothing compared to my head. I’ve systematically sorted through some of the rogue paperwork and product catalogues, but there’s still a lot to go. Miguel must have been really upset about his termination, because he did a number on this room.

I hide out in my office for ten minutes, hoping that when I re-emerge, Hannah and Adriano will be on to new tasks—farther apart.

Sophie’s question about whether I’d be okay if Hannah started dating someone else, got engaged, or announced she was pregnant with another man’s child replays in my head. I knew the answer then. But that was when it was hypothetical. Watching her interact with Adriano, contrasting it with how she’s been around me for the past fourteen days, it’s more probable than possible.

And I’m secure enough to say, she could do a lot worse than Adriano Lombardi.

But I can’t be upset with her because I’m sitting here, brooding, refusing to man up and admit how I feel.

She’s standing in front of the fish prep station, filleting the salmon serving as our lunch special when I return. Adriano is across the kitchen, talking to Alejandro about something.

I watch Hannah for a few seconds, thinking I am being covert.

“Can I help you with something, Chef?” she deadpans.

“How’s Akili?” I’m such an idiot.

Hannah raises a thick, dark brow and sets down the fillet knife. “Really?”

“I… uh… Maybe I can drive you home later?”

“So you can see my dog?”

“No. Yes.” I run a hand through my hair, feeling more frazzled in Hannah’s presence than I ever have before. Even as an awkward teen who was so in love with her long before she knew. I’m sensing a pattern. “No. I want to talk. For real this time. Not a half-hearted conversation with other distractions.”

She picks up the knife again, resuming her task without answering for several seconds. “Fine. Now if you’ll leave me alone before I cut another finger off…”

If I’m not mistaken, the corner of her lips tilt in a subtle smile, gifting me a glimmer of hope.

“Let me know when you’re ready to go.”

“You’re the boss.”

I waste no time after we get in the car before I blurt, “Where can we go to talk? Because these car chats aren’t…”

“My parents are spending New Years in the Bahamas. They’re not home.”

That statement gives me pause. Ten years ago, if Hannah uttered those words, I’d have been looking forward to an epic make-out session that somehow felt more thrilling. Like it was a forbidden act that I’d been conditioned to find more exciting after years of trying to do things behind Henry’s back.

But today, after the phone call I had this morning, I know things couldn’t be more different.

“Okay. Should we stop to grab Akili a snack?”

Hannah shoots me a glare I catch from the corner of my eye. “No.”

I can’t help but chuckle. “I’m pretty sure she’ll still love me, even if I show up empty-handed.”

“Trust me; I know.” Hannah scoffs and turns to look out the window, like she so often does.

The rest of our trip is relatively silent. I’m not sure what’s on her mind, but I’m wrestling with the right words to ask her about her career plans. Beyond that, I need to come up with the right way to be honest and convince her to stay.

We enter her house as Akili comes tearing to the door like she’s about to burst. She doesn’t even stop to say hi before she rushes out the door to go relieve herself in front of the porch steps. Watching her walk in the snow is hilarious, because she refuses to place down more than two paws at a time.

“She’s been home alone all day. Usually, Mom is here to cater to every demand.”

Akili saunters back inside, looking much more comfortable, but still unenthused about the frozen ground.

As soon as she reaches the door, I pick her up. “Do you have a towel or something to dry her feet?”

Hannah stands in front of us, lips parted like she wants to speak, but can’t. She lifts her right arm to flick the light switch, and now I can see her face much better than I could in the residual light from the porch.

“Oh, never mind.” I reach into my back pocket, remembering I tucked a clean rag in there earlier. Carefully, I dry off Akili’s feet while she licks my neck. “That tickles.” I tilt my head, trying to shield my neck from the tongue assault, because if I don’t, I’m bound to giggle like an idiot.

“Should I give you two some privacy, or…” Hannah asks, spinning around to exit the foyer.

That does make me giggle. It cracks me up how bent out of shape she gets over how much Akili loves me. Though, I’m sure it’s just because I shared my breakfast sandwich. She’s an easy girl to please. Her owner, on the other hand…

I set the dog down with a gentle scratch behind her ear, then follow Hannah’s footsteps into the kitchen, where I toss the rag in the trash. “I got a call from someone about an employment reference for you.”

She spins around to face me, only illuminated by the foyer light. She tilts her head and scrunches her forehead, much like Akili does when she’s confused. But if Hannah applied for this job, she can’t be too surprised they followed through.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were looking for other jobs? I felt blindsided.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, I know they were a mistake.

Her nostrils flare and her eyes open, immediately looking like a fire-breathing dragon. “Oh, so you’re saying it hurts your feelings that I was looking for work somewhere else and didn’t tell you? That I could possibly have plans for my life that I’m not involving you in? You said it would be easier if I quit. I’m giving you exactly what you wanted.”

Yep, I knew that was coming. And I deserve it.

“That’s not… No, that’s not what I’m saying. If you leave, I have to replace you…” I decide to stop talking. I’ll just dig myself a deeper hole.

Hannah huffs a laugh, but doesn’t reply. She just opens the fridge, removing a filter jug of water. She slams it on the counter, then yanks open a cupboard to take out two glasses, and slams those down too.

I step closer, wanting to spin her to face me so she can see the sincerity in my eyes, but she’s occupied pouring water.

“I wish I could make what happened right, but is finding another job what you really want?”

She turns toward me and slides me a glass of water. “No. But I don’t know what I want anymore. Three months ago, I just wanted a decent job. Then you showed back up and now my passion for cooking isn’t enough to drag me to work every day.”

That admission hurts. My throat goes dry, making that water more essential. I can tell by the tension in her shoulders, she means those words, and feeling responsible for her losing her passion makes me feel like scum.

So I need to let her pursue her passion now. I can’t tell her I don’t want her to go. I will not be responsible for holding her back from her dreams.