I Forgive You

Hannah

“If you’re looking for forgiveness, Caleb, then you have it. I’m not mad at you anymore. I was never really mad to begin with; just hurt. But I understand why you left, so thank you for giving me that closure.”

He sucks in a breath through his teeth, then blows it out through pursed lips. “What if… Maybe… I should probably let you sleep.”

We’ve already said so much—opened so many old wounds that we needed to clean the grit out to start healing—but he still looks like he has more to say. His eyes are bouncing around, unable to settle on me. His hands are fidgeting, moving from clasping each other to being shoved in his pockets.

What surprises me most is the fact I don’t want him to leave. Yet, there’s no reason for him to stay. Not when everything we were is in the past. Everything beyond boss and employee. Regardless of why he left, he still did, and life looks too different now. I am too different.

“Yeah, we’ve got a busy day tomorrow. New Years.” I’m not sure why I add that, like he doesn’t know the date.

“Yeah. Okay. Want me to pick you up for work?”

“I don’t start until two.”

“Oh. Right.” He starts walking toward the foyer with slow, hesitate steps. “See you tomorrow, I guess?”

I trail behind him until we reach the front door. “I guess. See you tomorrow, Chef.”

Caleb lowers his head and his voice, “G’night, Hannah.” Then he disappears into the light snow falling outside and disappears once again.

“Thank you,” I gush, pulling my friends in for a hug. “Come in.”

Angel and Vida walk inside, each with their dogs in tow as a black Range Rover backs out of my driveway.

Akili is bouncing, happily greeting her best friends too. She’s had a lot of alone time over the past ten days since my parents left for their trip, but they’re set to come home on Sunday. Akili will be happy to have her servant back, and I’ll be happy to have company again. Turns out, I’m not cut out for living alone, either. Which I have been since Caleb was here seven nights ago.

Cosmo, a fluffy white Maltese, and Genie, an American bulldog, follow Akili into the living room, each finding something new to sniff.

“Well, they’re happy to be reunited too,” Angel declares, tugging off her coat. “Seriously, why do we live here? These temperatures are outrageous.”

“I know. I was hoping it would be a little warmer so the dogs could play outside, but such is life in Canada. At least I didn’t have to shovel the driveway.”

“I’ll forever live in a condo just to avoid that job.” Angel shakes out her gorgeous spiral curls that are now back to her natural dark colour after being blonde for a while.

Vida tugs off her scarf and combs her fingers through her equally impressive curls.

I’ve always envied their voluminous hair, but I know from their complaints before, the grass is always greener. Still, I find myself asking, “Can you guys do my hair?”

They both tilt their heads and Angel pairs that gesture with a raised brow.

“Us? Do your hair? Like how?” Vida asks.

“I don’t know. Curl it? Cut it? Colour it? Whatever. I just… I need something different. It will be a good distraction while I pour my heart out and you guys give me amazing advice that will steer my future.”

“No pressure or anything,” Angel replies. “How ’bout we work on curling it, and we’ll book a salon day soon for the rest? I will not be responsible for ruining your gorgeous hair.”

“Ha! Gorgeous is a stretch. It’s just… boring. Brown and straight and… plain.”

Angel puts a hand on my arm, ushering me into the living room. “There’s nothing plain about you, Hannah Parker. What’s really going on?”

I drop into the chair Akili normally sits in, but since she’s off chasing her friends around, I doubt she’ll care. Then, once Angel and Vida are settled on the sofa, I tell them everything.

About my job search and how I know at least one has contacted Caleb.

About my conversation with him last week and the conflicting feelings I’ve been battling.

And my need to try something a little different before I can consider a massive change, like leaving home again and moving across the country.

“Oh-kay…” Vida drawls. “So let’s start with your hair. Then I’ll make us some drinks and we’ll be in better shape to dive into the other stuff.”

So that’s what we do. My girls spend the better part of ninety minutes curling, setting, and spraying my hair. It’s so pin-straight that the first few attempts literally fall flat. I think now they’ve discovered the right amount of hairspray per curl to make it stay… which I estimate to be half a can.

After we’ve inhaled a sufficient amount of ozone-destroying chemicals and my hair can double as a helmet, Vida goes into the kitchen to work her magic. My cocktail-making skills are limited to three ingredient drinks, but Vida takes things to a whole new level. Considering it’s minus twenty-two outside, she opts for hot buttered rum—with the same rum Caleb and I drank in this exact spot seven days ago—which she sets on the coffee table when she’s finished.

“Okay, this rum is bomb. Can your dad bring me some?” Vida asks while sitting down.

“Sure. Just take the unopened bottle in the cabinet. I’ll tell Dad to bring another one back. My treat.”

We spend the next two hours talking about everything. We start out serious, doing our best to hear each other out and guide each other in the right direction, but after a few ounces of rum, we’re giggling, arguing who is the superior songstress between Kelly Clarkson and Christina Aguilera—though Vida refuses to be the tie-breaker—and snuggling our dogs. I even broach the topic of letting Sophie join our friends-with-dogs group, because I would love to reconnect with her.

The entire evening is so relaxing and helps to bring my world back into focus. Just because something was in the past doesn’t mean it has to stay there forever; does it? Maybe there are things I can find space for again, even after all the time and changes that have happened.

When it’s time for them to leave, it’s nearing midnight and the dogs are all exhausted.

“I love you girls. Thank you for listening and distracting me… and making it so I can go horseback riding without any extra gear.” I pat my head, feeling the crunch of my hardened curls.

Both of my amazing friends chuckle as they zip up their coats.

“Whatever you decide, we’ll support you, but promise me you’ll make your decision based on what you want and not what you’re afraid of,” Angel says.

“I will. Promise.”

With one last hug, the girls and their furry companions run back out to the waiting SUV, jump in, and disappear down the street.

My buzz is wearing off, but I’m tired and hoping I can capitalize on the contentment my friends’ visit left me with and get a good night’s sleep. Their presence, paired with my parents’ absence, made me realize how lonely I am when all I have is work and Akili. She’s a great companion, but I’m not sure I’m cut out for moving away on my own.

Even walking down the hallway to my bedroom feels lonely.

But a knock at the front door stops me mere inches from my room. Akili can’t be bothered to put on her guard dog act this late at night, so she turns back to look at me, then carries on and jumps onto my bed.

“Thanks,” I mutter, before walking back to the foyer.

Instead of Angel or Vida, whom I expect to find, I see the face of the one person whose presence continues to overwhelm me.

I pull the door open. “Hi. You really need—”

“To call. I know. But I didn’t know I was coming here until I pulled into your driveway.” He looks like he had a hard day. With all the hours he’s been working for the past four months, he’s still never had dark circles under his eyes until now.

“Wanna come in?”

“Yeah.” His face relaxes as he steps over the threshold. “Where’s Akili?”

“You know her drill. She’s clocked out.”

“Oh. Sorry it’s so late. I…” He exhales a deep sigh, shrugging off his coat. “I just wanted to talk to you for a minute.”

“Okay. Well, I’ve got to go do Akili’s bedtime routine, so you can talk while I do that.” I wave him along to follow me down the hallway. Not until I’m halfway there, do I realize I’m inviting him into my bedroom. My embarrassing bedroom I haven’t redecorated since I was sixteen.

“Uh… I’ll just be a minute if you’d rather wait—” I don’t get to finish my sentence before Akili hops out of the bed and rushes over to Caleb, jumping at his pant legs.

A smile brightens his tired face. “Hey, girl. Did you miss me?” He bends down to scoop her up, and, without hesitating, walks over to sit at the end of my bed. “Let your mom do your skincare routine, okay? We have to take care of this beautiful face.” He kisses her on her nose, and I just about die from the cuteness. Swoon-induced heart attack.

I have to take a few breaths to steady myself so I can grab Akili’s skin wipes and eye drops. My hands are shaking from anticipation, rather than fear, which hasn’t happened to me since I was fifteen, and Caleb kissed me for the first time.

Relax. It’s just my teenage love sitting in my teenage bedroom, loving my dog. Nothing to get worked up over.

He holds Akili still while I do her eye drops and clean her skin. He doesn’t say a word; instead, watching each movement I make.

The parallels between this moment and where I thought we’d be at this point in our lives is alarming. But I still have so many unanswered questions, I ask the most pressing one. “Why’d you come over?”