Chapter 2

THE WIDE RANGE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Author and speaker Lonni Collins Pratt wrote the following about her experience with domestic violence:

What was I doing in a church again? After all, God and I weren’t on speaking terms anymore.

Eight months ago, I curled up on the deck of a friend’s boat and told God to go away. That was only weeks after receiving a diagnosis of leukemia and learning my husband had filed for divorce.

The divorce wasn’t a surprise. My husband had demanded that I not be treated for my illness; he said people would talk if the pastor’s wife went to doctors instead of God.

“If you would just trust God and pray!” he yelled at me as his fingers tightened around my throat. I knew there’d be bruises.

“If you would be an obedient wife, God would heal you,” he continued as he slammed me against the bedroom wall. A dull pain shot through my neck to my shoulders. I shoved at him to get him away.

He grabbed my collar with both hands. I shut my eyes and prepared for what came next as he threw me against the wall again.

“God’s chastising you, and it would be sinful for anyone to interfere in the chastisement!” He yelled, pulling me off the floor by my hair. I looked up at him, expecting the blows to start, thankful the children were in bed.

Then his hands dropped. He realized I wasn’t crying. For 14 years I had buckled to his abuse, always begging him not to hurt me. I feared an escalation of violence—furniture thrown across the room, hot tea in my face, black eyes, or worse.

But as I listened to him saying that God was punishing me, an inner voice started whispering, “He’ll let you die, he’ll let you die because he hates you.”1

Domestic violence stretches around the world. Experts say it’s reaching epidemic proportions. Former United States surgeon general C. Everett Coop labels it the “number-one health problem in America.”2 The American family and the American home are perhaps more violent than any other single American institution or setting with the exception of the military in time of war.3 No segment of society is exempt from domestic violence. It knows no boundaries—religious, ethnic, or social.

Consider the following statistics:

• Domestic abuse is the most underreported crime in America—only 10 percent report.4

• According to a report from United States Senator Barbara Boxer on September 2, 1993, nine-tenths of all family violence defendants are never prosecuted, and one-third of the cases that would be considered felonies if committed by strangers are filed as misdemeanors (a lesser crime).

• Domestic violence is the leading cause of injuries to women ages 15 to 44, more common than auto accidents, muggings, rapes, and cancer deaths combined.5

• Every nine seconds a woman is battered.6

• In 24 to 30 percent of all homes violence occurs on a regular, ongoing basis.7

• Approximately 95 percent of victims of domestic violence are women.8

• Violence will occur at least once in 50 percent of all marriages.9

• Weapons are used in 30 percent of domestic violence incidents.10

• According to a report from the National Organization for Women, an average of 10 women per day are killed by their batterers.

• Women who leave their batterers are at a 75 percent greater risk of being killed by the batterer than are those who stay.

• Up to 50 percent of all homeless women and children in this country are fleeing domestic violence.11

• Violence is used by the perpetrator in a relationship as a means to gain control over the victim.12

• Of children who witness wife battering, 40 percent suffer anxiety, 48 percent suffer depression, 53 percent act out with parents, and 60 percent act out with siblings.13

• Current estimates of family violence in the United States suggest that three to five children in every classroom may witness violence in their homes.14

• Male children who witness adult-to-adult domestic violence are as adults 700 times more likely to beat their female partners. Male children who also are physically abused are as adults 1,000 times more likely to beat their female partners.15

• In a New York study of 50 battered women, 75 percent said they had been harassed by the batterer while they were at work, 50 percent reported missing an average of three days per month, and 44 percent lost at least one job for reasons directly related to the abuse.16

• Medical costs from domestic violence total at least $3 to $5 billion annually. At least another $100 million can be added to the cost to businesses in lost wages, sick leave, nonproductivity, and absenteeism (Porter, 1984).17

• Each year domestic violence leads to 100,000 days of hospitalization, 301,000 emergency room visits, and almost 40,000 visits to a physician.18

Surprisingly, the above statistics represent only physical abuse, but family violence has many other expressions. In fact, domestic violence can range from a look to a gunshot.

DEFINING ABUSE

Every relationship has its ups and downs, and no marriage is completely free of conflict. But how do we know when normal conflict has crossed the line into dysfunction? The keys are to understand the parameters of healthy relationships and identify appropriate behaviors.

Domestic abuse can range from a look to a gunshot.

When a couple is not getting along and experiences conflicts that need to be resolved, both must recognize that the value of the relationship is greater than the conflict at hand. A primary tool in conflict resolution is to identify the problem and to attack the problem together rather than attacking each other.

Many unhealthy relationships lack this critical component. Instead, they resort to power and control, which manifests itself in many ways and takes forms that can be very subtle and difficult to pinpoint. Typically, an abusive partner will attempt significant control by exercising one or more of the following behaviors.

Physical Abuse

We have read in the newspaper and have seen on television many examples of physical abuse. You probably have an idea of what you consider abuse. However, physical abuse takes many forms: beating, biting, choking, grabbing, hitting, kicking, pinching, hair pulling, punching, pushing, restraining, scratching, shaking, shoving, slapping, excessive tickling, twisting arms, using weapons, spanking, and smothering.

Some men don’t realize the extent of the pain they inflict because they don’t recognize their own strength. Have you ever noticed a woman with quarter-size bruises on the inside of her arms? It’s common for a male batterer to grab his partner by the upper arms to get her attention, shaking her while his adrenaline is pumping, and saying, “Listen to me!”

The woman may not even realize that she’s bruised. If asked, the man would tell you, “I don’t physically abuse her.” One husband actually said, “I slapped her because I was trying to get her attention. She deserved it. If I beat her, she’d know it.” This man defined beating as hitting with a closed fist. “I only slapped her—I didn’t abuse her,” he said.

When pressed, this man would tell you that he was out of control and didn’t realize what he was doing. “She deserved it,” he might say. Interesting, however, that he probably bruised her only in places where the bruises wouldn’t show. He might be screaming, raging, and battering her, yet if someone phoned, he could answer the phone just as calm, cool, and collected as can be. “Hello? … How ya doin’? … Oh, I’m doing great!” The batterer has control to the point that he can go from one extreme to the other in seconds. Anytime he feels he has lost control of the woman or the situation, he resorts to some form of physical violence to regain control. It’s a conscious effort.

A primary tool in confict resolution is to identify the problem and together attack the problem instead of each other.

Power

Power manifests itself in many ways and can be a tool for abuse. In extreme cases, the husband may deny his wife the most basic necessities, such as food or sleep. Or she may be denied a private life of her own.

In this type of abuse, the man mandates the woman’s duties. She knows when and what she is supposed to cook, when she’s supposed to do the laundry, and when she’s supposed to wash the car. He regiments her life. He may even control the amount of bath water she uses. He feels he has the right to teach her a lesson, even to the extent of trying to exert his power by saying something like “She was acting like a child, so I turned her over my knee.”

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Stalking

Stalking is similar to spying. The stalker may follow his victim to her activities or while she’s running errands. He doesn’t trust her and is insanely jealous. If I can’t have her, no one can, he thinks. Most people think that stalking is limited to relationships characterized by separation or divorce, but it happens also in marriage relationships. It applies to many couples—even Christian couples—where the husband is insecure. Often the wife has no idea that the stalking is occurring.

Technology has opened the door to some new and interesting ways of stalking one’s partner. There have been cases of a stalker purchasing a GPS transmitter and hiding it in his victim’s car, thus tracking her with his receiver.

Computers are also utilized in stalking. We counseled a man who had filed for divorce yet had more information about his wife after their separation than he did before. When I confronted him, I determined that he had made contact with her in a chat room. Pretending to be a sympathetic female shoulder to cry on, he was able to find out her salary on her new job, who her friends were, who she was seeing, and what she and her dates were doing. This information fed his jealousy, and it was necessary for the wife to get a restraining order and move to a safe place in another area for her own protection.

We once counseled a woman whose life was in jeopardy, and she had moved from California to the Midwest. Within 30 days her former husband traced her to her new address on his computer. His first search was of the California Department of Motor Vehicles records. Most states require individuals to register their vehicles and transfer license plates within 30 days of moving to another state. This man was also able to search for and find her address through the utility companies. Listed below are some of the searches a partner may utilize to find a partner who has moved to a safe place. Victims should be aware and use extreme care when it’s necessary to keep their whereabouts secret.

• Department of Motor Vehicles

• Utility companies

• Social Security number

• United States Postal Service

• Telephone company

• Credit reporting agencies

• Driver’s license bureaus

Stalking is the most difficult slice of the power and control wheel to deal with because law enforcement can’t arrest until the damage has been done. We recommend that the stalking victim seek an “order of protection” or a “no contact order.” If one of these is in place and the stalker refuses to honor it and keeps calling, the victim should get an answering machine that records the unanswered phone calls and keeps a record. If the stalker drives by her home or workplace or follows her in her daily routine, she needs to report and record every conversation with the police department, asking for names and badge numbers to document the call on the tape. This should include the time and date of the infraction. There should be an extensive paper trail for the victim’s protection.

Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse happens when a man puts a woman down and makes her feel bad about herself. He might call her names. He might try to make her think she’s crazy. He plays mind games with her. His behaviors eventually control her life, perhaps to the point that she’s not able to have friends.

At first his control may seem like genuine concern. If the woman comes from a family situation in which her emotional needs were not met, she may be particularly vulnerable. A man comes into her life, and he wants to get involved. He might make a car payment for her or perhaps buy her a piece of furniture. He calls her several times a day at work, and she feels for the first time there is somebody who really loves her. She doesn’t recognize the symptoms of a controlling man who is immature and has the potential to abuse her. Because of the neglect in her family of origin, she sees all of this attention as love. She sees it as a connection. She sees it as a blessing. It feels great to have somebody care about her bills, about where she lives, about her having a piece of furniture, enough about her to send her flowers or to give her $50.

Then they marry, and she can’t even have $3 to purchase a personal item or two. It’s all part of the game. The moment he has her secured (that is, they marry or move in together or have sex), he “owns” her. He changes. What brought her into that relationship felt like love and concern but becomes the very curse she can’t get away from. He makes her feel like a hostage, giving her affection only under certain conditions. She may be denied physical needs, such as food and sleep, and he deprives her of identity development or autonomy. He demands that she meet his every need and satisfy his every whim.

Threats

Sometimes the man threatens his partner about ending their relationship. “You’re lucky you have me,” he says. “You’re going to find out it’s a tough world out there without me.” She perceives this as a threat because he has made her so dependent upon him. This dynamic is called “learned helplessness.”

If this technique is unsuccessful, the man may intensify his efforts. He declares that he’ll do something to hurt her emotionally or physically. He may threaten her life or say he’ll take the children. He might even threaten to commit suicide. To a woman in a state of learned helplessness, it seems she has no way out. He threatens to report her to the authorities or remove her financial support. He could force her or set her up to break the law by asking her to write a bad check, charge something on someone else’s credit card, or steal. Then he uses that as leverage to keep her from leaving by threatening to call the police and tell them what she did. Of course, she feels trapped.

Another form of control can come as a result of morality issues. “If you really love me,” he might say, “you’ll sleep with my friend.” Perhaps he beats her until she complies, and he brings a third party into their bedroom. He could then hold her behavior over her head and threaten that if she ever tries to leave him, there will be a witness that she was immoral. She fears that if she ever stands up to him the children will be taken away from her and placed with him.

A woman who has either broken the law or been involved with a third party in the bedroom lives in constant fear because she has been set up. She wonders if and when her husband will tell. She is in bondage to his power and control and feels that she cannot or dare not escape. In an extremely violent family, this is very commonplace.

Economic Abuse

An economic abuser will likely try to keep his wife from getting a job or keeping a job. He will usually make her ask or beg for money. He takes any money she earns and gives her an allowance, making her account for every penny she spends.

A man who employs this means of abuse will perhaps give his wife $50 and tell her to go to the store and get groceries for a family of four for the week. With the $50 in hand, his last words ring in her ears—“Bring back the change and the receipt.” She must carefully calculate every purchase. She un-loads her shopping cart and fearfully waits for the total. If it’s $51.45, she begins to panic as she realizes she forgot to allow for tax. She stands there with a line behind her, embarrassed and angry with herself for her stupidity. She stammers to the clerk as she tries to figure out what to put back. “I guess I don’t need this right now.” The clerk rolls his eyes. She’s humiliated and feels stung by his look. Then a voice in the back of the line blurts out, “I always pick the wrong line. That dumb lady up there …” She’s humiliated even more. This woman often sacrifices her own needs for the needs and wants of her family. It seems there’s no way out because there’s no financial vehicle for escape.

Financial Abuse

Financial abuse differs from economic abuse. We have counseled many men—and this seems to be a “guy thing”—where the abuser has used the woman’s credit to purchase items in his name only. These purchases range from stereo equipment, cars, motorcycles, boats, etc. One man bought a house using her credit. He forged her signature and had it notarized by his friend. He then put the home in his name only and moved his girlfriend into it. When the wife discovered what he had done, she had to hire an attorney and spend time and money to rectify the situation. Often the end result is that he moves on, but her credit is ruined, and she suffers to get back on her feet financially for several years.

We have also seen instances of men draining their wives of any money they may have inherited in order to keep them financially dependent.

Intimidation

When a man intimidates his wife to the point that it’s abusive behavior, he puts fear into her by using looks, actions, gestures, a loud voice, cursing, and continual arguing. The woman learns that she must say to him what he wants to hear. She soon learns exactly what it is that he wants to hear so that she can placate and acquiesce to him. He wants her to listen to him with undivided attention. He demands that she report to him. Remember—domestic violence can range from a look to a gunshot.

If something triggers the temper of a man who abuses by intimidation, he starts screaming, raging, and cursing. The wife tries to keep peace because she’s embarrassed by what’s going on. He’s being childish, like a four-year-old having a tantrum. He’s never learned how to resolve conflict and is willing to disrupt the whole world to get his way at any cost.

Property Violence

Abusive behavior that qualifies as property violence includes behaviors such as punching walls, smashing belongings, and generally destroying property. Surprisingly, the man who chooses property violence is normally in control of his rage. He doesn’t throw his socket set through the front window—it’s her china, her tapes, or something else that’s precious to her.

Breaking down doors, pounding tables, and abusing pets are all property violence. This man may even kill the family pet because it shows the amount of power he thinks he possesses. The subconscious message he is trying to convey to his children is that Dad has power over life and death—so the family often wonders if and when they’ll be next. (If this is happening, there needs to be a separation, and the family should be taken to a safe place. The primary goal in a domestic violence situation is the safety of the wife and children. With the man, containment of the behavior is primary.)

Knowledge Abuse

A little knowledge can be devastating when used in the wrong way. If a man continues to deny his wrongdoing and continually blames his partner, the counseling he receives can be turned on her, and he will use it against her.

One example of this would be: The man reads a book on premenstrual syndrome (PMS). He researches the subject and attacks her with his knowledge, saying, “If it weren’t for your PMS, we would have a good marriage. It’s all your fault. Go get help now. I don’t need counseling.” Again, she is responsible for all of his problems, and he has no empathy for her situation. He may go to counseling once or twice, telling the counselor about her problems. She stays in therapy, thinks she’s crazy, and he wins again.

A man like this often seeks a counselor he can fool. He reads self-help books and adapts the information to his partner. Sometimes he finds a pastor who sides with him on submission and then spiritually batters his wife with that information. He also may use the opinions of unqualified friends to control her. It sounds like this: “Even your friend Linda and her husband agree with me.” Last, he will go to his own family—especially his mother—and then parrot their opinions and suggestions to abuse and control his wife.

Medical Abuse

I received an e-mail recently that said, “As I was looking over your web site, something occurred to me. There isn’t a ‘slice’ for medical abuse in the power and control wheel.” Many times a physically abusive partner will break a bone and then not let the woman go to the doctor for help. I have talked to many victims who have let broken toes, fingers, and other injuries, heal without seeing a physician. They bore the pain because they knew the doctor is mandated to report bruises, broken bones, and domestic rape. Domestic violence is a crime. On the other side of the pendulum is a woman who suffers with medical problems not necessarily caused by abuse, but they are real. She is then blamed, harassed, and abused with no sympathy or empathy. He has no patience for her needs and sees her needs as infringement on his rights, his time, and his finances.

Judy: Once when I was painting a ceiling, I saw a small spot that I had missed. I climbed back on the ladder and put one foot on a desk for balance. I took a hard fall onto the desk, knocking the wind out of myself. I was in a lot of pain, but I didn’t have a car so I waited until Paul came home that evening. I told him what had happened and that I thought I might really have hurt myself because the pain was getting worse. He yelled at me and told me I was an idiot because I should not have been so stupid as to stand on the desk in the first place. I asked him to take me to the emergency room, and he was angry that I didn’t just walk to the hospital because he was tired from working all day, and this was an inconvenience. I finally convinced him to take me to the ER, and found that I had five broken ribs. Paul could not have cared less—I had wasted his evening.

Silent Knight

Some men use silence as a weapon. A man who does this cannot or will not communicate and often lacks the abilities or mechanisms to express his emotions. Typically he pays the bills, attends church, and is seen by others as a solid Christian. He is the kind of man who is consistent on his job and with his friends. He does not appear to be an angry or violent man. He never degrades his wife, hits her, or threatens her. She does not live in fear.

There comes a time, however, that she becomes depressed. She asks herself, What’s wrong with me? I have a good husband and a good life. Why am I so depressed? My husband treats me well. He pays the bills, he’s stable, he’s solid, he’s a Christian. Why do I have this hollow feeling inside of me? Her friends tell her that she is fortunate to have such a good husband; yet she still feels there’s something missing.

By nature, when something goes wrong in a man’s world, he looks outward to blame someone, something, or a circumstance. A woman, however, is more sensitive and looks inward for answers. She begins to question herself: What’s wrong with me? Why won’t he pay attention to me? She knows she’s missing something, but she may not recognize what it is. She doesn’t consciously know that she is being cheated of emotional bonding.

He has not involved himself in her life. She sees his lack of interest as an indication that she is unworthy of his attention. It’s difficult for her to put into words. She may ask herself again, What’s wrong with me? She begins searching for an answer by criticizing her body. Am I too fat? Am I too thin? Do I have a bad body? Is my nose too big? Am I getting wrinkles? Do I need plastic surgery?

After she agonizes over her appearance, she begins to dissect her sexuality. Maybe I don’t respond to him properly. He must not like the way I make love. I don’t satisfy him. She then looks outside her person. Is it the house? Don’t I keep a nice home? Is it my cooking? Did I produce ugly children? Maybe I didn’t produce the kind of children he wanted.

After living with this self-doubt for an extended period, she draws a line at the bottom of all of the questions and answers, It’s all of the above. She doesn’t do this consciously; however, she assumes that every doubt she has about herself is true. The lack of his response and emotional bonding tells her that she’s the problem.

I have asked men, “How do you emotionally connect with your wife?” They can’t tell me. There’s not a course called “Intimacy 101” to train men how to connect emotionally.

If a man falls into this category of being a “silent knight” and the couple approaches their pastor or a counselor, generally the wife will say, “We love each other, we’re committed to each other, but something’s missing.”

The husband will often say, “Everything’s fine. She must be in depression.”

The pastor may ask, “Is there any physical abuse in the relationship?”

She responds, “No. He’s never been inappropriate with me in any way.”

“Is there emotional abuse?”

“No, never.” There is nothing on the power-and-control list that makes sense. The pastor then refers them to a therapist. They still find no answers. The therapist often wants to see the woman for further counseling. She once again thinks she’s crazy, that it’s her fault and her problem.

I sometimes counsel groups of men to work on their abilities to bond emotionally. I ask them, “How do you make love to your wife?” Their answers always end with sex.

“How do you make love emotionally to your wife?”

“I pay the bills and I buy her the things she needs.”

They have no concept of what it means to invest emotionally in their partners. When a man becomes aware of a woman’s emotional needs, it begins the process of learning to look her in the eye, listen to her, and validate her feelings. She gets his undivided attention.

The next step is to teach the man how to get in touch with his feelings. Nothing bonds a couple together more than for the man to share his inner feelings and to acknowledge his weaknesses. When he trusts her enough to share his feelings, dreams, and goals, she knows the trust factor between them is building. She feels worthy because in their relationship he has invested a listening ear as well as nonsexual touching.

One reason women avoid approaching their husbands for a simple hug is because many men interpret the request for a hug as a signal for sex. When a man learns that a hug can be simply a signal for closeness and that his wife should be able to ask for a hug and not be groped, the couple has reached a new level of emotional bonding. When she knows that he loves her for who she is without physical gratification, she feels connected. A man, then, can learn that the greatest intimacy in a relationship is the disclosure of himself. The relationship then becomes safe without the fear of rejection.

Isolation

When a man controls what his wife does, who she sees, who she talks to, and where she goes, it is classified as abuse through isolation. He probably limits her phone conversations. When she does talk on the phone, he listens in. He might try to isolate her from her family. He insists on knowing where she is at all times, and she must be available to him at all times.

There is nothing that will bond a couple together more than for the man to share his inner feelings and acknowledge his weaknesses.

Women who are abused in this way are usually not allowed to have interests outside their homes, and this is emphasized by frequent moves—from house to house and town to town. He may even move her away from her family so that she has no support system. To keep her in isolation, he might leave her without any means of transportation or else sabotage her car. Often she’s not even allowed to open the mail.

Using Children

A husband can make his wife feel guilty about various aspects of raising their children, especially if his behavior includes using the children to inflict abuse on their mother. He may use the children to convey indirect messages to his wife. If the couple is no longer married, he might use visitation (or lack of it) as harassment. Or maybe he uses child support as leverage. Even if the couple is divorced and remarried to others, where there are children and money involved, the abuse can go on and on.

There are instances in which the divorced father will come to get the children for the weekend and return them on Sunday night with the kids bouncing off the walls. It takes Mom most of the week to get the kids pasted back together again, and then the cycle starts all over on Friday night. There’s never a moment’s peace, because one parent uses the children to control the life of the other.

Humiliation

A form of abuse that includes certain kinds of humor, public humiliation, verbal criticism, and inappropriate touching in public is the abusive behavior of humiliation.

By inappropriately touching her in public, the husband is letting the world know that his wife belongs to him. “She’s my possession. I own her. She’s part of my inventory.”

He’ll no doubt discredit her appearance, her parenting skills, her housekeeping, her cooking, and her self-worth. He probably insists that she dress to suit him. With this type of abuse the man is insecure and wants to prove that she is his. He may see his wife as a trophy and therefore want her to dress in sexy clothing, even if it degrades and humiliates her. The irony is, after he puts her down and degrades her, he’ll want to go to bed with her.

Responsibility Abuse

In responsibility abuse the husband makes his wife feel responsible for everything in his life—like bills and children. He may threaten to commit suicide in order to make her feel responsible for his very life. He could even put his wife in a mothering, caretaking, nurturing role. Usually in this situation the husband will insist that the wife make major decisions, but then he punishes her for the decision she made—even if it was correct.

Spiritual Abuse

Words like “submission” and “obey,” as well as other spiritual language and scripture, are taken out of context by the man who spiritually abuses his wife. He probably has high regard for the patriarchal system and says things like “God gives me the right to do this. I’m the head of the family. I have all the rights in the world, and you have none.”

I once knew a man who was so physically abusive and spiritually toxic that he literally beat his wife with the Bible. She moved out and got a restraining order against him. He broke into the home, took the big family Bible, hit her over the head, and said, “The pastor said that this family would be intact if you would come under total submission like the Bible says.” He quoted scripture to her after putting her in the hospital with two dislocated vertebrae. That’s spiritual abuse. The pastor, perhaps unknowingly, was giving the husband permission to abuse his wife spiritually and physically. Women who have experienced this type of abuse often feel that God loves men but that women have no place in the world. Judy, my own wife, struggled in her relationship with God because of the way I physically and spiritually abused her. I battered her, then stepped behind the pulpit half an hour later. When she was in her greatest need she sought counseling at the church she was attending but couldn’t get an appointment with the pastor or Christian counselor. The pastor wouldn’t meet with her because she was divorced. The Christian counselor wouldn’t meet with her because she didn’t have any money. Where are we in the Body of Christ when it comes to helping hurting women?

Sexual Abuse

Men who abuse their partners often want to have sex with them soon after they assault them. We have a saying: “Domestic violence is not foreplay.” Under the auspices of her proving her faithfulness and love, a sexually abusive man may insist his partner perform bizarre sexual acts against her will. Sometimes he actually physically attacks the sexual parts of her body or treats her as a sex object. He might also withhold sex or interrupt her sleep for sex. If she declines his offers, he threatens to find someone who will satisfy his fantasies. He may force sex, commit marital rape, and be extremely jealous.

When earlier defining the abuse of “threats,” I mentioned the situation of the husband asking his wife to go to bed with another person. This gives him leverage if she ever fails to do as he wishes. This is also considered sexual abuse.

A sexually abusive man may get so angry that he hits his wife with a closed fist in the most sensitive areas on her body. He may pinch and squeeze her breasts until it’s unbearable. Of course, this can cause permanent damage.

Just weeks before I finished the manuscript for this book, a man was arrested in Colorado for tying his wife up and burning her with a butane torch. Consider Gloria, whose husband poured acid into her feminine hygiene products and burned her so badly that she can never have intercourse again. It’s very common for a sexually abusive man to disfigure his wife’s genital area. He thinks, “If I can’t have her, I’m going to fix her so nobody will want her if she even tries to present herself to another man.”

Using Male Privilege

A man who treats “his woman” like a servant, makes all the big decisions, and acts like the master of the castle is exerting a type of abuse known as male privilege. Do you have an “Archie Bunker” chair in your house? Who has the television remote in your house? It’s more of a guy thing.

One of our Life Skills directors, a 24-year law enforcement veteran, was recently teaching a workshop in which he talked about male privilege. One of the police officers came back the next morning and said,

I have to share a story with you. I have an Archie Bunker chair. I went home last night and told my wife to burn the chair, reupholster the chair, give the chair away, sit in the chair, jump in the chair—do whatever she wanted to—because I’m changing. I’m going to spend some time with my family.

My routine was that I would go home from work worn out, sit in my chair, kick back, turn the TV on, ask my kids to bring me a drink, and wait for my wife to bring me supper. Normally I fell asleep in the chair, I woke up after everyone had gone to bed, I got up to go to bed, and that would be my evening. Last night I had supper with my kids and my wife, and it was delightful. I was in the kitchen. I told my wife she could do anything she wanted to do with the chair. We had a great time, except I have two German shepherds, and for the last seven years they have sat on each side of my chair while I sat there. Dad wasn’t in his chair last night, so the dogs went ballistic. If the dogs were that disrupted over my routine, what has my family been feeling in this area of male privilege?

Not all of abuses are committed by men only. During the 23 years that Life Skills has existed, we have found that a woman who was abused as a child or has been in an abusive relationship will feel that if abuse worked for him, maybe it will work for her too. She holds to the old adage “Fight fire with fire.” The woman then fights back for her survival; she is called the “reactive victim.” But where one is teachable, these behaviors are fixable. There is hope.