THE CHEAP BASTARD’S® GUIDE TO Los Angeles

How often have you been to a bar, met someone you find attractive or interesting, only to have the first question out of said attractive or interesting individual’s mouth after “What’s your name?” and “What do you do?” be “Where do you live and how much is your rent?” and you find yourself realizing, once again, that it’s completely socially acceptable to announce proudly the full figure of your bargain apartment to a roomful of total strangers. I spent a year after graduate school living in a new sublet every 2 to 3 months; one of those moves I schlepped all of my belongings by myself on multiple trips via public transportation. Fed up with the gypsy lifestyle, I called up an ex-boyfriend with a killer apartment on a Saturday in 2004. He said he thought I was reliable (I am) and I could move into the vacant spare bedroom without a security deposit (I did). “When were you thinking of moving in?” he asked. “Tomorrow?” I replied. It’s 7 years later and I’m still there. At $675 for rent and utilities per month, I’m not leaving until marriage or Steven Spielberg calls. I mean, he waters the plants while I’m away and makes hot apple cider in the “fall” and “winter.” (It’s LA, we know those seasons are optional terminology here.) I share all of this because I know how incredibly important it is to live in a happy, safe, and healthy environment. Where you rest your head at night and what walls you look at on a day-to-day basis can buoy or cloud your life. Follow my advice for budget-friendly hostels, apartment renting, co-op living, green resources, and more, and you’ll be happy.

HOSPITABLE HOSTELS

Just because you’re watching your pennies, it doesn’t mean you should skimp on the life experience and necessity to take a vacation every once in a while. Airfare and lodging are usually the biggest ticket items. A lot of hostels offer shared or private rooms with amazing wallet-friendly deals.

It’s $19.99 for a room with 20 dorm beds, $23.99 for 8 dorm beds, and $25.99 for a room with 4 dorm beds. Two and 3 bedroom suites and suite cottages also available. Free continental breakfast, dinner buffet, champagne, tea, coffee, and cake, as well as airport shuttle and Wi-Fi. A/C, swimming pool, pool table. Must be under 30 years of age and have a valid international passport at check-in.

Beds from $20 and up in an 8- to 16-person dorm and shared bath with even cheaper weekly rates. Private rooms have one queen-size bed or a queen and two bunk beds. Free Wi-Fi, Mac computer use, breakfast, pool table, basketball area, bike rental, parking, foosball, table tennis, tiki garden, and patio. Hip and mod design, so you are stylin’! Inexpensive dining and entertainment options within walking distance. Call or e-mail westholly wood@bananabungalowus.com or the Hollywood location at hollywood@bananabungalowus.com (5920 Hollywood Blvd., Hollywood; 887-977-5077).

Not a hostel. Log onto couchsurfing.org and find a couch of a friendly stranger to crash on! Free to join, it’s a nonprofit organization that runs on donations. Applies to other cities, too. Find a free place to stay, read reviews, meet a new friend. Sort of totally frightening and utterly, utterly fascinating. You try it and then tell me all about it.

Must be over 18 but under 35, have a valid passport or driver’s license, and check in before midnight. Rooms are $25 and up, depending on whether you take a 4-, 6-, or 8-bed arrangement. Breakfast included.

7950 Melrose Ave. (at N. Hayworth Ave.), West Hollywood
(323) 655-1510
www.orbithotel.com

Six- and 8-bed mixed dorms or private rooms starting at $18 and up. Private rooms also available. Free coffee and tea all day, free movie night, dinners for $6 at the cafe. No curfew, free parking, billiard tournament, comedy night, DJ night, security lockers, common room, and barbecue area. Discounted tours and shuttles. Must have passport. What? Aren’t you sold yet?

A room with a view of the ocean in the heart of Venice Beach. Oceanfront lounge/bar, free boogie board and paddle tennis rentals. Are you already roll-erblading there in your mind? $22 a night for shared rooms or $52.60 for a private room; everything from 6-person share rooms to private suites. Security locker in room. Must bring valid passport to check-in, no exceptions. Call or e-mail reservations@venicebeachcotel.com for more information.

FOR RENT & CRAZY CO-OPS

Apartment searching can suck days off your life. Best to minimize the pain as much as possible, balancing the act of paying as little as you can for the absolute best apartment that falls somewhere in the range of both your vision and your means. Here are some of Los Angeles’s best resources:

Search for low-income apartments in LA and get everything you need to know about the housing grant application process and Section 8 housing, the voucher program providing assistance to low-income families.

Search by zip code, corporate or short term, property name, number of bedrooms, rent minimum or maximum. Place an ad and access landlord resources, too. Voila! See what happens as you roll the Magic 8 Internet Ball of your housing future.

Come on, do I really need to explain here? Great listings and self-postings sometimes accompanied by photos, but the apartments tend to go quickly and the listings are not managed; they’re simply, well, there. But I have found great sublets on Craigslist before and had good roommate situations. But then again, I have the unfortunate trait of being able to get along with anyone.

Ecovillages, cohousing communities, residential land trusts, communes, student co-ops, urban housing cooperatives, intentional living, alternative communities, cooperative living, and more. Search by city/state and region.

117 Bimini Place, #221 (at W. 1st St.), Los Angeles
(213) 738-1254
www.laecovillage.org

“Demonstrating higher quality living patterns at a lower environmental impact” and providing “education, training, and consulting for more sustainable neighborhoods: socially, economically, and ecologically,” Los Angeles Eco-Village is a 40-member group of approximately 500 people within 2 blocks, 3 miles from downtown Los Angeles. Kid-friendly, with a weekly organic food buying co-op that serves the ’hood. If you are interested in becoming a member, you have to be able to demonstrate your sincerity and enthusiasm. $10 fee for a tour.

To Obtain or Not To Obtain Renter’s Insurance, That Is the Question!

I know, I know. Maybe you went to that pricey school but are now paying those hefty tuition loans back with major interest as you devote yourself to the low-paying but emotionally rewarding job you found as a social worker. Or maybe you didn’t go to college, but still work hard for your money. Either way, you’ve probably managed to accumulate the stuff we all seem to accumulate in this day and age. Stuff meaning that of a technological or digital sort: an iPod, cell phone, computer, printer, television, DVD player, maybe even a scanner, an expensive snowboard for that one trip you took to Lake Tahoe years ago and blew your birthday cash on, or that mountain bike your last boyfriend gave you.

And while you haven’t pursued the American dream of owning a piece of property, you still have stuff. And gosh darnit, it’s your stuff. So what if you get robbed, or there’s an earthquake, or a fire? What will you do then?

Consider getting renter’s insurance to protect those things you just can’t live without, so you don’t have to worry about “what if.” Visit sites like www.statefarm.com, www.geico.com, www.nationwide.com, or www.esurance.com, and get started on that very adult and responsible research project of purchasing renter’s insurance. Then please remind me to do the same once I clear off my desk with my expensive computer and all-in-one copier/scanner/printer. Okay, okay! Dialing now.

Search for apartments and homes for rent. Specify number of bedrooms, bathrooms, and pet friendly residences. Calculate your free moving quote. I’d love a really big and real closet in the bedroom. Oooo, what is that like? I can hardly remember.

Apartment and home listings by city and state from your low end to your high end price range and number of bedrooms.

Student housing co-op near USC. Community-style living with a focus on activisim and the eco-friendly. Sunday potluck meetings, vegan cooking groups, skill-building workshops. Pet friendly. Peace, dude.

For UCLA, UCLA Extension, Santa Monica College, and other accredited university students only. You have to work 4 hours per week, but will pay only $1,350 to $1,700 for 11 weeks, depending on how many roommates you have. Price includes food and utilities, and rooms are fully furnished. Hello, Student Budget Friendly Living! Nice to meet you.

Search by city, state, zip, area code, number of bedrooms, and amount you are willing to pay. Filter by date available or amount you can afford.

RESOURCES FOR RENTERS & OWNERS

Hey, man, today’s stock market is up, down, and all around. Unemployment is high and jobs can be tough to come by. What do you do when faced with paying rent or a mortgage without a job, or with a new job at a salary far less than what you normally command? There is help out there, so don’t be shy, and seek it.

The Los Angeles branch of a Washington D.C.-based nonprofit organization committed to improving people’s lives by teaching them how to succeed economically, no matter where they fall on the income bracket. How to avoid credit counseling scams, fix your finances, find affordable housing, know your renter’s rights, and more.

6001 E. Washington Dr., Suite 200 (Banco Popular building), Los Angeles
(323) 869-5100
www.bydesignsolutions.org

Not-for-profit organization with free and low-cost services to help you get out of debt, repair your credit, file for bankruptcy, renegotiate repayment rates, take a workshop, and buy/save for a home. Meet with a credit counselor for an hour to devise a budget and set financial goals. Check out the blog pointers on boosting your credit score.

Forum for help with mortgage, debt/credit, loan, and rent issues. Sign up to receive free mortgage and foreclosure guidance.

Free e-book, link to information and government help on foreclosure, as well as a search engine to look up Los Angeles-pertinent information.

3926 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 200 (at S. St. Andrews Place), Los Angeles
(888) 89-LANHS or (888) 895-2647
www.lanhs.org

The LANHS is dedicated to establishing, protecting, and preserving lifelong homeowners. Regional housing counselors and legal assistance partners are at your disposal to help families faced with the reality of losing their homes. Public interest attorney groups are available to counsel victims of real estate fraud, and conduct workshops for budgeting and credit recovery, borrowing smart, home buyer education, reverse mortgage education, and foreclosure prevention. A free downloadable sample financial hardship letter to request loan modification with a back payment and late fee waiver is available on the website.

GOING GREEN

Recycle your old appliances for cash! Must be with a certified recycler. Fill out that rebate form and get a rebate check in the mail. Buy an eligible appliance from your local retailer or contractor during the rebate period. Program continues until the money runs out. Sort of like karaoke. I do it until the songs I sing well run out.

Discounted Composting Bins from LA Department of Public works Environmental Programs Division

Now you can compost, and in turning your organic waste into a rich and fertile soil, you will never need to purchase potting soil again. $40 will get you a backyard bin and $65 will get you a worm bin. Take workshops on composting, worms, water/firewise gardening, and grasscycling. Find out when the next Smart Gardening workshop is. If you somehow ever learn how not to kill an orchid, please share your knowledge with me. Thank you.

Information on federal tax credits and rebates for energy efficiency, renewable energy and energy-saving tips, as well as a plethora of tips on how to go green and save money in landscaping, appliances, designing, and remodeling.

Tax credits for energy-efficient appliances; how to apply and how to get them. Tips on how to make your home more energy efficient (don’t keep appliances you aren’t using plugged in!), and a rebate finder that lists rebates you may be eligible for.

Find out how to make your house more energy efficient and cut your power bill. Save money and help the environment and search by zip code for rebates in your area and financially friendly eco-tips. Check out online literature on how to go green and get rebates while doing it.

7029 Paramount Blvd. (at E. Washington Blvd.), Pico Rivera
(562) 948-3111 or (800) 315-2852
www.lightbulbdepot.com

Daily deals and sales on bulbs; free shipping when ordered by the case. Environmentally friendly stock and LED light bulbs, too!

The LA Department of Water and Power has a Low Income Refrigerator Exchange Program. Check to see if you qualify to receive an energy-saving refrigerator to replace your old model and explore up to $500 worth of incentives offered for creating and using solar power in your home. Can you please ask my roommate not to defrost the freezer right after I go grocery shopping? Like clockwork. I go food shopping, and all of a sudden he’s inspired. The LADWP also has a tree planting workshop, water conservation rebate hotline, compact fluorescent light bulb distribution program, and more. Poke around this incredible website and see what money you’re missing out on keeping.

Check out the list of the most ecologically friendly light bulbs on the market, and nab some overstock. Yes, they ship them to you, and no, amazingly, they don’t break.

ARE YOU BEING SERVED?

If you’re detail-oriented, praised for the perfect professional voicemails you leave and e-mails you write, and tired of slaving away in an office 40 hours a week, then maybe it’s time you think about transforming into The Nanny or Mr. Belvedere. What will I do when I’m rich? Buy an expensive mattress and hire a cleaning lady. Oh, to dream . . . Los Angeles has some of the wealthiest people in the world, who employ a lot of personal assistants, nannies, and housekeepers, so read on to find out how to become one!

$500 a month for 8 hours or $2,200 a month for 40 hours buys the customer a personal assistant (you) who will run errands, return messages, and perform household duties. Responsibilities may range from picking up groceries, running to the dry cleaners, and getting the auto inspection sticker, to overseeing household renovations, paying bills, and procuring tickets. If your middle name is “Organized” or “Attention to Detail,” call the number above to submit your candidacy for consideration. Can I call you Mr. Step and Fetch It?

Hire a Helper employs landscaping, moving, cleaning, or home improvement helpers at a cost of $10 to $20 an hour for the customer. If you’re pretty handy, give them a call or e-mail them at new-helper-support@hireahelper.com.

Log on and register for $30 to create a house sitter profile that will stay active for 1 year. All cases are individually negotiated between you and the homeowner, but in general you do not pay to live in their house. Assignments range from 1 day to 4 months, and sometimes 6 to 12 months or even 3 years.

Want to run someone else’s errands, file paperwork, walk their dog, make things pretty, or plan a party? Start your exploration of the personal assistant world by becoming a wife, and get paid for it, yet have none of the hassle. Call The Rent a Wife. Clients purchase 5 hours a month for $200, 10 hours a month for $380, 15 hours a month for $450, or $50 an hour for same-day service; when they sign up for a package, they get a free 30-minute consultation and a $50 coupon. Call or e-mail through the website now. I will say this: As a personal assistant, every day is different, and you’re certainly not working on your office tan under the fluorescent bulbs.

The Sandra Taylor Agency provides housekeepers, nannies, cleaning ladies, certified nurse’s assistants, companions for the elderly, butlers, secretaries, chauffeurs, estate managers, and more. There are fees connected to live-in nanny help. Salaries for English-speaking, nondriving nannies and housekeepers start at around $400 per week and go up from there . . . and have you thought about the free lodging and food that comes with that salary?

For a free 7-day trial, 1 month for $35, 3 months for $70, or $140 per year, you can find nannies, babysitters, pet sitters, and senior care in your area. Search by zip code and browse in-depth bios for applicants. Post a job, receive applications and interview applicants, and hire the best match for you. Or be the best match for someone else and join now. As someone who spent years working in human resources (there are few jobs I haven’t had), I give you these two tips: 1) A good handshake and smile say a lot; 2) A follow-up personalized note or e-mail say even more. If you want it, go after it.

REAL ESTATE: FROM LIVING TO LIVING IT UP

HOSPITABLE HOSTELS

FOR RENT & CRAZY CO-OPS

RESOURCES FOR RENTERS & OWNERS

GOING GREEN

ARE YOU BEING SERVED?

REAL ESTATE:
FROM LIVING TO
LIVING IT UP