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“Look.” Jazz held out his paper target for Greyson to see the following day during their session. He was showing anyone he could his achievement. It felt bizarre to be proud of... well, anything. He knew he was going a bit overboard with this. But he couldn’t seem to help himself.
His life had changed so much in the last week, Jazz found himself pinching himself often, just to make sure none of it had been a dream. That was especially true at night when Wilder made love to him. His mate had a way of making him feel as if he were the only person that mattered. Like the world could come tumbling down around their heads and Wilder wouldn’t notice.
“Wilder said it was the best he’d ever seen a newbie do their first day.” His mate had beamed with pride when Jazz had finished unloading his clip. If only Wilder had looked happy about it. The entire week, Wilder had almost seemed ill whenever Jazz talked about working together.
“That’s great, Jazz.” Greyson handed the paper target paper back to him. “I think I hit the paper once on my first try. And it wasn’t anywhere near the colored target,” he laughed.
When Jazz didn’t say anything more for several minutes, Greyson cocked an eyebrow. “You gonna tell me why you asked for this session, or are we just going to stare at each other?”
At the moment, Jazz would rather choose the latter. Coming had been a mistake. He should have known he’d chicken out when it came time to talk. It was just, the week had been going so well, and Jazz could actually feel his confidence growing. Apparently, in the end he was still nothing more than a scaredy-cat.
His mind kept going over and over the look on Wilder’s face every time Jazz brought up their working together. On more than one occasion, his mate actually turned a shade of green and Jazz feared he was about to throw up.
If he didn’t do something, soon, Jazz was sure he was going to lose his mate. Like everything else in his life, it would be all his fault. He just had no idea what he was doing wrong or how to fix it.
There was no other choice, Jazz had to man up and ask the toughest questions of his life if he had any hope of saving his mating. Closing his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see Greyson’s expression, Jazz took a deep, somewhat calming, breath.
Opening his mouth, all that came out was an unmanly squeak. Great. At what point does something go his way? The paper target crinkled as his hands shook, reminding him that something had gone well for him. And not just the target shooting. His computer program was some of the best work he’d ever done.
At the rate they were going, they would have it done in another two weeks for testing. Which would mean the time to go out on the road with his mate was fast approaching. If Jazz didn’t fix the problem between him and Wilder before then, there was a good chance Wilder would really leave him at that time.
“Is it possible for a mate to no longer want the other mate?” Jazz had always been told a mate was for life, but that could have been nothing more than a fairytale.
This time, it was Greyson who let out a squeak, or a high-pitched shout. Jazz wasn’t really sure.
“You can’t possibly tell me you think your mate has lost interest in you,” Greyson managed to get out after clearing his throat a couple of times. “His hands were all over you and his tongue was down your throat when I saw you two outside on my way here.”
Heat swamped Jazz’s body, both in embarrassment and the memory of being in Wilder’s arms. His mate had a way of causing Jazz’s toes to curl with just a look. When Wilder kissed him, Jazz shivered at the thought, there was nothing Jazz wouldn’t do, no matter who was watching.
But lust didn’t equate to necessarily wanting to be near one’s mate. Right? Unsure of anything at the moment, Jazz found himself saying, “But he clearly doesn’t want me to go with him when he is doing assignments for the Council. Do you think he believes I can’t do my job?” Jazz asked, before adding his worst fear. “What if he’s too embarrassed by me and doesn’t want to be seen with me?”
Greyson stared at him for several moments. His eyes blinked twice as if unsure what to say. Was Jazz a bigger idiot than he’d originally thought? Had Wilder made his feelings obvious, but Jazz hadn’t picked up on them? For all he knew, the whole town was laughing behind his back for daring to hope that his own mate would want him.
“Jazz, he’s afraid you’ll get hurt,” Greyson finally said, as if that explained everything.
But Jazz wasn’t that stupid. “That’s just what he said so I wouldn’t go.”
Greyson stared at him again as if Jazz had lost his damn mind. It wasn’t a comfortable feeling, even if he was used to people thinking him odd. At least this time, it didn’t take Greyson so long to speak. “Tell me something. When Wilder was fighting Kingston, how did you feel?”
All the emotions of that day came pouring through him as he remembered in vivid detail the moment Wilder had stepped into that ring. “I swear, it was as if I couldn’t breathe.”
“Why?” Greyson asked.
Jazz thought it a strange question but answered anyway. “Because Kingston was evil. The man didn’t know how to fight fair. He could have hurt Wilder.” Jazz swallowed around the lump that had formed in his throat. “Or worse,” he whispered, hardly able to get his voice to work.
“Why did that matter?” Greyson asked.
Jazz shook his head, unsure why Greyson was asking such ridiculous questions. “Wilder’s my mate. I don’t want anything to happen to him.”
“Why?” Greyson repeated.
Jazz leapt to his feet. “Because he’s my mate,” Jazz shouted. “It would kill me if anything happened to him.”
Greyson lifted a brow at Jazz. That’s it. He didn’t say anything or make another gesture.
Jazz frowned at the one person he thought could help him through this situation. The last thing he wanted was to push his mate away, but without someone to explain what he was doing wrong, Jazz feared that’s exactly what would happen. Yet, all Greyson seemed to be able to do was bring up his fears from that horrible day.
Of course, he didn’t want his mate to be hurt, or worse, die. Wilder was his... everything. Shouldn’t all mates feel that way? It was only logical that Jazz hadn’t wanted Wilder to put himself in dang...
Oh.
“I take it by the expression on your face, you’re finally beginning to understand why Wilder is so upset with you taking a risk, especially since you haven’t been trained to deal with threatening situations.” Greyson didn’t need to look so damn smug about it.
“But I thought...” Jazz’s face heated as he realized what he was about to say.
“Wilder didn’t believe you could do the job,” Greyson finished for him. “Yet, from all I’ve heard and witnessed of your mate, he is your biggest champion. So, maybe the real question is, why can’t you believe in yourself?”
That was easy. “Because I’m a screw up,” Jazz said as if he were on automatic pilot. “My father used to tell me that every single day of my life. Well, if he noticed my existence, which admittedly, wasn’t often.”
Jazz slapped his hand over his mouth. He didn’t talk much about his past. In fact, he tended to stay away from it as much as possible. Around Wilder, it had been impossible. Jazz had told more about his life to his mate than he’d ever talked about himself in his lifetime.
But that was Wilder. He was just... different. Jazz’s only excuse now was that he was stunned at the realization that his mate really was afraid for Jazz’s safety. Just as he had been when Wilder had faced Kingston.
Greyson didn’t ask more questions. He just sat there and waited. It was what usually happened in these sessions. And damn it if it often ended up working, too. He’d told Greyson about Kingston because of the same reason.
The thing was, he might have ruined something good, his relationship with his mate, because of his warped views about himself. Maybe...
Just thinking about talking about his past had Jazz’s palms sweating. But he needed to find a way to be better. If not for him, then for Wilder. His mate deserved for Jazz to at least try.
When Jazz opened his mouth, he found it easier than he’d ever imagined to delve into his past with the hope that it would make him worthy of the man he was falling in love with.
