I should move. Micah logically processed that he was probably squashing Grady, yet his body wasn’t responding to the thoughts firing in his fuzzy brain. That too-familiar sense of disorientation hovered on the edge of his conscienceness, persistent yet distant.
It was nice where he was. Heat and sweat fused them together, the stickiness yet to be uncomfortable. The air reeked of come and his dick was slowly softening where it was still buried within the depths of Grady’s ass. Yet his heavy breaths matched the rise and fall of Grady’s, and the soft hum that flowed from Grady voiced the contentment floating through Micah.
He turned his head, eyes still closed, and brushed his lips down Grady’s shoulder. A soft finale to another wild descent.
Grady lowered his shoulder, a purr-like moan escaping. Micah longed to stay put, to keep Grady in his arms and drift forever. But practicalities forced his hand.
Dizziness swayed over his senses, confusion scrambling closer. He shifted his arm, the long cuff chain clanking against the floor. Grounded. He twisted his wrist, unconsciously seeking the security.
He was in his room, at Dane’s, with Grady. Each of those facts calmed the waiting panic. Still he counted, paced his breaths, and prayed the anxiety didn’t stage a surprise attack.
One last held kiss, a long sigh, and he lifted himself up. Still embedded in Grady, he held the condom in place and watched as he slid free. Grady flinched and Micah ran a hand over his back in an effort to soothe. A fading red spot on his ass cheek highlighted where he’d bitten him, and he raised his gaze to the darker bruising mark on the juncture of Grady’s neck.
A flash of rightness and pride swarmed over him, even if it was wrong to feel it. He shifted his focus and found Grady studying him, eyes still dazed and drifting. He wet his lips, but made no effort to move.
“What’s that for?” He flicked his eye to the cuff wrapped around Micah’s wrist, the chain attached to a front leg on the sawhorse. It was clearly intended for the person on the equipment.
Micah looked down at the band and slowly removed it. His wrist felt suddenly bare and the anxiety nipped up his back in pinpricks of unease.
The chain clattered on the hardwood in an abrupt burst of noise when he dropped the cuff. He forced his gaze back to Grady’s, prepared for anything except the lazy curiosity he found.
Unlike last time, Grady wasn’t rushing to leave, and the urge to take care of him after he’d given Micah everything he’d asked for almost had him ducking the question.
But it was past time he told Grady the full story.
“It’s part of my side effects.” The answer ground over his fears and he turned away when Grady’s tranquil expression shifted into a frown.
He twisted to take in the various BDSM equipment in the twelve-by-twelve room. The sign over the only doorway was unneeded this time. Everything was identifiable, yet he still had no concept of what existed outside the room or anything about the general layout of Dane’s. So he focused on the immediate tasks instead.
His legs were like jelly, his balance a little off when he moved to the box of wipes mounted by the door. He quickly cleaned up and disposed of the condom before snagging a few more and bringing them over to Grady.
He was sitting on the floor now, ankle straps removed, hands supporting him as he leaned back and sent a searching glance over Micah. Being slammed back into the vulnerable position launched the untamable fright he could never control.
Ducking his head, he handed the wipes to Grady and reached for his clothes. Being naked exposed more of his weaknesses, at least in his mind. Back turned, he let Grady clean up, words and explanations circling as they both dressed. The stretching silence was an unwanted repeat of the other night. Tense, loaded, and filled with gnawing questions.
This wasn’t how he wanted this evening to end.
And it didn’t have to.
That strange sense of elusiveness still clouded his head, so he concentrated on each breath, counted silently until he was fully clothed. Grady’s presence behind him was a thundering friction that prickled over his senses.
He straightened from tying his bootlaces and finally faced Grady. He still sat on the floor, back braced on the wall now, hands crossed over his bent knees. His regard held a sated mellowness that instantly worked to calm Micah.
Grady cocked a half smile and nodded to his side, an offer to sit that Micah accepted. He eased down, arm resting against Grady’s when he sat back. The touch was intentional on his part, and he released a long breath of relief when Grady didn’t move away.
Another contact point. Another chance…maybe.
“My long-term…impairment isn’t visible to most,” Micah finally said when it became apparent Grady wasn’t going to ask him the obvious questions. His stomach rolled, but he shoved his nerves down.
He kept his gaze straight ahead when he continued. “It took three months of physical therapy to regain most of my mobility. It was another three months of shifting in and out of being lost, followed by more months of failed vestibular system therapy while the doctors scratched their heads.”
“Vestibular system therapy.” The confused note in Grady’s voice was expected. “What’s that?”
Micah suppressed a sigh. His frustration had nothing to do with Grady. “The vestibular system is a sensory structure that uses what you see and feel along with your inner ear to tell you where you are.” He ticked off the three parts with his fingers. “When one isn’t working right, you can still function. But when two are damaged, your balance, vision, and spatial awareness get out of whack.” And if being dizzy was his only problem, he’d have rejoiced.
“But the vestibular system can be rehabilitated,” he went on before Grady could ask more questions. “The therapy is based on how we learned spatial awareness in the first place—by playing the way we did as kids. It was supposed to reset my system.”
He rubbed a hand over his face as the memories of that awful experience came back. The constant dizziness, nausea, and headaches along with the exhaustion that’d made anything else impossible.
“I had to walk and run on a treadmill with my eyes closed,” he finally continued, grateful for Grady’s silence. “I jumped on a trampoline and recited colors and shapes until I couldn’t think. I had to spin in a chair until I threw up and I did it every damn day for months.”
“That sounds awful,” Grady said when he paused.
“You have no idea.” He tried to laugh, but it came out choked. Great. He cleared his throat and forced himself to finish. “It helped with some balance issues, but not my main problem. After that, I had to accept my current state as permanent.”
“And that state is…?”
He could sense Grady looking at him. Patient. Not running when he probably should. Micah swallowed and turned his head. Grady was so close, brown eyes still curious but also concerned. Calm too. The lingering lethargy of his orgasm or something more? It was so different from how Micah had ever seen him.
“At any time, for no reason, I can lose all cognitive spatial recognition of my surroundings.” The clinical wording got the usual confused frown but nothing more. Micah smiled slightly, relaxing more. “Basically I get lost. I have zero recognition of where I am. Landmarks mean nothing, signs are just words. My world goes wonky, and it’s like I’m plopped down in the middle of Russia only I can’t even recognize that I’m in a foreign country. It’s hard to explain, but basically I can see everything, yet I have no connecting reference to place how they belong or what they mean.”
Grady’s brows lifted. “That would suck.”
“You have no idea.” Micah’s laugh was weak and deprecating.
“And that’s because of your coma?”
“The theory is the virus damaged that area, but my exact condition is so rare and sporadic, they don’t really know.”
“Is that what happened last week? When you fell?”
“Yeah.” He willed his embarrassment to a twinge in his chest. Exposing his weaknesses was so much easier when the recipients were peripherals in his life instead of main characters. “Most of the time it’s not that dramatic though.”
Grady gave a soft snort. “That’d get old fast if it was.”
“Truth.” He nudged Grady’s knee, thankful for the levity. “I, ah…” He stared at their touching knees, grounded by the contact and the silent strength he siphoned from Grady. “I lose myself when I orgasm too.” He swallowed and motioned to the sawhorse. “Hence the cuff.”
“Shit.” The exclamation held another undercurrent of pained amusement. “That has to suck.”
He chanced a glance at Grady and did a double take at his wide grin. He tensed, defenses flying in. Being laughed at was exactly why he’d stopped telling guys about this.
“Hey,” Grady said, gripping his arm to stop Micah from rising. “I’m not laughing at you.” And the man was now a mind reader. “I was just thinking of how screwed I’d be if that happened to me, considering a lot of my orgasms happen in the woods next to a river.”
A chuckle jerked out of Micah. “Try stepping out of a bathroom stall and having no clue where you are or how to get out of a nightclub crammed full of people.”
Grady cringed. “Definite suckage.”
“I only did that once.” The ensuing panic attack and following humiliation had been a major hit to his normality scale.
“What does the cuff do?”
Micah rolled his shoulder. “It helps keep me grounded.” He rubbed his wrist where the cuff had been. “When awareness returns, it reminds me of where I am even if I don’t recognize it. A signal that I’m safe.”
“How?”
In for a pound…“I only have sex in this room.” He scanned the space, a déjà vu sense hitting but clear recognition still illusive. “Dane knows everything. It was his suggestion to use the room. Try the cuff.” He gave Grady a weak smile. “It works—for the most part.”
“And that’s the reason for your control streak?”
“Bingo.” He let the heat smolder in his gaze though. Every lustful thought openly exposed for Grady to see. “But I get off on it too. I was a strong top before this.” He tapped his temple. “Now it’s a necessity.”
Grady processed that, eyes flickering to Micah’s lips. He shifted, tugging on his jeans. “And you say you’re not a Dom.”
Micah shook his head. “Nope.”
“I’m not a submissive.”
“Never thought you were.”
Grady lifted his chin, acceptance settling hesitantly on his shoulders. His focus shifted to the sawhorse, all remnants of their wild sex cleaned up. Yet the memories were fresh and still smoking hot.
He leaned in to nip at Grady’s earlobe, soothing the sting with a lick and suckle. Grady inhaled, sighed, and Micah kissed down his jaw to claim his lips. Open, willing, and immediately giving. He cupped Grady’s cheek and deepened the kiss, stroking the warm depths in slow glides as Grady met and played with him.
A swirl of tongues followed by a gentle bite on Grady’s lower lip only to sweep back in for another taste of the heated sweetness. The give-and-take balanced as he explored another side of their attraction. At least Micah hoped it was.
He ended the exchange with a lingering touch of his lips on Grady’s, the exact opposite of the bruising kiss that’d started things. Grady’s eyes were dark and heavy lidded when he opened them. Diving back in for more could quickly end with them both naked again. A temptation he had to resist.
“Thank you.”
Grady raised a brow. “For what?”
Micah sat back, breaking the sudden intimacy. “For trusting me.” He scratched his neck. “I should’ve told you about my shit before we had sex—the first time.”
Dane would chew his ass out if he ever found out how much Micah had withheld. Full disclosure is one of the mandates of safe BDSM play. But they weren’t doing the Dom/sub thing. And he was splitting hairs to minimize his guilt.
“Probably.”
He cringed at Grady’s agreement. “I’m—”
“But I understand,” Grady cut in, giving him the eye when he opened his mouth to apologize anyway. “I can’t imagine it’s easy to admit, especially in this situation.” He motioned to the room. “I don’t know if I would. Some guys would fuck you over with information like that.”
Which was exactly why Micah’s sex life was so limited.
Grady stretched, then moved to stand and Micah did the same. He led the way to the door, nerves muddling with the wants building in his chest. Where’d his confidence go? This entire situation treaded into new territory, but he was secure in himself and his abilities despite his limitations.
“So,” he said, pausing with his hand on the doorknob. “Any chance you’re free tomorrow morning?”
Grady pursed his lips, arms crossing over his chest. “I was planning on doing a hike.” His eyes narrowed. “Why?”
And the defenses were back. The normalcy almost had Micah laughing. Good to know nothing had changed between them—but it could. Had on one level.
“I thought maybe you’d like to grab lunch or coffee.” A step outside of sexual release. The getting-to-know-you exchange that usually happened first. Was he really ready for a potential relationship? “As friends,” he added.
Grady weighed the offer, expression unchanging. “You’re welcome to join me.”
“On the hike?”
His nod sent a rush of apprehension skittering over Micah’s nape, and he rubbed at the imagined sensation. How honest did he get? “Where are you going?”
“Not sure exactly. Probably up the gorge, on the Washington side.”
Miles and miles out of his comfort zone. “Rain check?” The subtle shift of disappointment on Grady’s face had him rushing to explain, damn the exposure. “I, ah…I don’t travel outside of a set area very often. And then it’s only if I know exactly where I’m going. So I can plan.”
“Oh.” Grady wrinkled his brow. “Another piece of the suckage pie you live with?”
He huffed out a snort. “Nicely put.”
“What if I send you information that includes maps and directions?”
The debate raged in his head, the pros and cons flying out so fast he could hardly keep up. In the end it came down to one simple thing: he wanted to. For himself. For the chance at something new. To help Grady and be with him outside of this damn room.
“Okay.” The word lodged in his gut to stir up old fears and new worries. “Can we do it on Tuesday?” That’d give him time to prepare. “And I have to be back by one.”
Grady tugged his phone from his pocket. “You need to be back to read at the hospital?”
“Yeah.”
“No problem.” His smile was confident, a trait that’d been dimmed until now. It was stunning and reflected a guy who, under normal circumstances, wouldn’t have to put up with Micah’s issues. “Tuesday it is. We’ll have to head out early though.”
Micah had to swallow before he could choke out a “That’s fine.”
What the hell? This was just a hike. He could manage that. Two guys getting some fresh air and exercise. A chance for Grady to get away from the hospital and the unknown that dragged endlessly on and for Micah to stretch his limitations. Anything more than that was just fanciful thoughts based on dreams not reality.
“Give me your number.” Grady motioned with his phone.
They exchanged information before Micah stepped into the hallway, automatically turning left to head toward the bar. The dungeon was in the other direction.
No second-guessing or hesitation, the information was simply there, like it was supposed to be.
His shoulders pulled back with the secured knowledge, his world back in place. And he had a new challenge to embrace. A hike with a friend who he’d happened to have had amazing sex with. Who still seemed to trust him despite his previous lack of full disclosure.
He glanced back at Grady, a cautious happiness sneaking in beside the flat contentment he’d lived with for so long.