Principle 7:
Practice Positive Discipline
When we use punishment, our children are robbed of the opportunity to develop their own inner discipline—the ability to act with integrity, wisdom, compassion, and mercy when there is no external force holding them accountable for what they do.
—Barbara Coloroso,
Kids Are Worth It!
From the attachment-parenting perspective, positive discipline embodies the “golden rule” of parenting; in other words, treat children the way you would want to be treated if you were the child. Positive discipline is an overarching concept based on the understanding that when a child is treated respectfully within loving, age-appropriate boundaries, he will develop a conscience guided by his own internal discipline and empathy for others. Positive discipline is rooted in a secure, trusting, and loving relationship between parent and child. With a strong foundation of trust, positive discipline incorporates empathetic and respectful strategies that over time will strengthen the connection between parent and child, while harsh or overly punitive discipline weakens the connection.
The concept of positive discipline is very different from what is generally practiced in Western cultures and calls for nothing less than a paradigm shift in the way we view and treat children. Adults have a tendency to project their own perspectives or reasons to explain a child’s behavior, often to justify spanking or other harsh punishment: “She’s doing that just to make me mad!”; “If I don’t stop my two-year-old from talking back to me now, just wait until she’s a teenager!” These responses generally reflect the parents’ lack of understanding of appropriate child development or a repetition of what they learned from their own early childhood experiences. Without a conscious effort to be open to new information and a willingness to change, we are destined to parent the way we were parented, which, in many cases, continues to perpetuate myths and misunderstandings about children.
In their book Giving the Love That Heals, Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt describe conscious parenting this way:
The conscious parent meets the needs of the child by providing safety, support, and structure for the child as she moves through each developmental stage. He is attuned to the unique personality and temperament of his child and able to see what his child needs as she grows and changes. He is educated about the developmental stages of children and is able to stay alert and flexible in interactions with her.1
1 Hendrix and Hunt, Giving the Love That Heals, 38.
Every day new child development and neuroscience research provides deeper insights about children, how they think, and why their behavior changes during childhood. So much of their behavior corresponds to brain development. For instance, brain researchers have found that the part of the brain that controls impulsive behavior, the prefrontal cortex, is the last part of a child’s brain to develop; this occurs during the fourth to fifth year of life. The prefrontal cortex, located in the forehead above the eyes, is considered to be the seat of the conscience, where the capacities of empathy and compassion are developed. Through the use of new brain-imaging techniques, researchers have found that the brain of a child who was abused and neglected is considerably smaller, with an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, than the brain of a healthy child. When the prefrontal cortex is damaged, these children are less likely to be able to develop a conscience and will not be able to feel empathy for anyone. Scientists call this “adaptive behavior,” which the child develops for his own survival. Brain research is providing amazing new information about babies and children that helps us understand them more fully, especially in the realm of prevention and how we can encourage healthy development. If you are interested in brain research, we strongly recommend books and materials written by Drs. Bruce Perry, Dan Siegel, and Allen Schore.
Your empathetic care will create the “hardwiring” in your baby’s brain and allow for the healthy development of the baby’s capacities for trust, empathy, and affection, which are the building blocks for your child’s growing conscience. According to neuroscientist Bruce Perry, “The simple and unavoidable conclusion of these neurodevelopmental principles is that the organizing, sensitive brain of an infant or young child is more malleable to experience than a mature brain. While experience may alter the behavior of an adult, experience literally provides the organizing framework for an infant and child. Because the brain is most plastic (receptive to environmental input) in early childhood, the child is most vulnerable to variance of experience during this time.”2
2 Perry, “Childhood experience and the expression of genetic potential.”
While principles of attachment parenting encourage parents to trust their own instincts, many lack confidence and feel the need to rely on science to validate and substantiate what they already know on an intuitive level, if only to quiet the doubts of family or friends.
What Is Positive Discipline, and Why Is It Important?
At the heart of positive discipline is a secure attachment relationship with your child. Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté write in their book Hold On to Your Kids that “for purposes of childrearing, the crowning achievement of a working attachment is to instill in a child the desire to be good.” In other words, they say when a child feels secure in her connection (attachment) to her mother and father, she will want to be good, and she will be a child who is easy to parent.3
3 Neufeld and Maté, Hold On to Your Kids, 70.
The word discipline is derived from the word disciple, meaning one who follows another’s teachings. Children learn by example, so it’s important that parents strive to model positive actions and relationships within a family and with others—strive to be the kind of adults you would like your children to be. If you consider that the act of disciplining is actually teaching through modeling behavior and keeping your connection strong, then the very first lessons of inner discipline begin with consistently responding with empathy to your baby’s feelings and needs.
Your presence and responsiveness, as discussed in Chapter 7, are critical components for forming a trusting bond. As babies learn to communicate their needs more effectively, and as parents begin to develop their intuitive sense of interpreting their babies’ signals, babies learn that their needs will be met, and soon a reciprocal relationship of attunement is formed. This strong bond, if maintained, will continue to fulfill the child’s innate needs for trust, safety, and protection while fostering his capacities for trust, empathy, and affection.
There are six triggers for bad behavior: tiredness and hunger; an immature brain; unmet psychological needs; intense emotions; parental stress; and a parenting style that activates the alarm systems in a child’s lower brain.4
4 Sunderland, The Science of Parenting, 133.
Positive discipline involves creating a positive home environment that not only allows but also encourages children to learn and explore. Does that mean putting away breakable items for a while? Absolutely! The more relaxed, safe, and secure a child feels in her own environment, the more she will explore and learn. After all, child’s play is learning. An environment that is more child-friendly helps minimize stress for you, too.
[T]he crowning achievement of a working attachment is to instill in a child the desire to be good. . . . What we don’t see is that it’s the child’s attachment to the adult that fosters that goodness.
—Gordon Neufeld, PhD, and Gabor Maté, MD,
Hold On to Your Kids
Positive discipline requires a shift in thinking and a new understanding about children. Seeing the world through the eyes of your child will enhance both you and your child’s empathy skills. This is where it is critical that you learn as much as you can about child development through books and other resources. Once you learn what the cognitive and behavioral expectations are for different ages and phases, it is much easier to be patient and respond appropriately to redirect and guide the child’s behavior. One of the primary factors that contributes to parents’ overreacting or becoming abusive to their children is inappropriate developmental expectations.5 When you see your child in this way, respect, understanding, and compassion, rather than yelling, threatening, and the use of physical punishment, will come naturally. In this process, you will begin to uncover his unmet needs (and sometimes your own). For example, when your toddler has an emotional meltdown, you can learn not to take his behavior personally and recognize that it could possibly be due to lack of sleep, hunger, feeling sick, or the need for one-to-one time. Positive discipline involves positive communication and, with older children, crafting solutions together while keeping everyone’s dignity intact.
5 Bavolek and Keene, Adult-Adolescent Parenting Inventory AAPI-2, 6.
The Goal of Positive Discipline
The goal of positive discipline is to help your child develop her own conscience and self-discipline. In doing so, we hope to raise cooperative, happy, joyful, and compassionate children who not only care about others but who also do what is right because it is the right thing to do, rather than because they are afraid of punishment.
What does positive discipline look like in day-to-day life? Some see it as proactive—using strategies to prevent unnecessary problems or challenges with children. Such preventive strategies include anticipating and preparing for foreseeable problems in order to eliminate stress, frustration, and tantrums. Strategies include substituting a toy or an object rather than forcing a toddler to share when she doesn’t yet understand the concept of sharing or using redirection to gently guide toddlers and young children away from harm by getting them interested in something else.
Parents are instrumental in helping their children explore safely by seeing the world through their children’s eyes, modeling respect and empathy, and, when appropriate, allowing children to experience the natural consequences of their actions. For example, when your baby is crawling around and decides to touch something you don’t want him to touch, recognize that he is fulfilling his need to explore and learn. Quickly move the object or get his attention, then redirect him toward something else. As he gets older, you can use words to explain what you want him to do rather than getting in the habit of saying, “No” or “Because I said so!” Few of us would like anyone to talk to us that way. We want to model respect to our children so they in turn will learn respect for us. Parents who practice positive discipline have a general understanding of developmentally appropriate behavior and tailor loving guidance to the capabilities, needs, and temperaments of their children.
Learning to practice positive discipline takes time and a lot of trial and error, so don’t be discouraged when you make mistakes. Most people weren’t raised with positive discipline; it can be very hard to change old ways of thinking. We live in a culture where this type of parenting goes against the cultural norm, so it’s very important that parents surround themselves with other parents who share the same values, if at all possible. If that isn’t possible, the two parents can support each other and use books, websites, and parenting chat lists for resources.
Most parents wish they could handle every situation perfectly, but no parents are perfect; we were trained on the job like everyone else. At times, tempers will flare and patience will be lost. When parents react in a way that creates tension, anger, or hurt feelings, they can help repair any damage to the parent-child relationship by taking time to reconnect, talk about what happened, and apologize after everyone has calmed down. Think about how it happened and what you can do the next time a similar situation occurs. Having a mental plan will help redirect your anger and frustration. Try using these three reflective questions to guide you in how you determine your course of action:
1. Am I treating my child the way I would want to be treated?
2. Will my words or actions strengthen my connection with my child?
3. Will my actions give my child an opportunity to learn from this experience?
Adults teach children in three important ways: The first is by example, the second is by example,
the third is by example.
—Albert Schweitzer,
physician, philanthropist, and
Nobel Peace Prize recipient
The big question in every parent’s mind is, “What about boundaries?” Every healthy family has clear guidelines for acceptable and unacceptable behavior. For instance, some families make it clear that “in our house, we do not hit.” As we mentioned earlier, children have an intrinsic need for predictability, which, as the child grows, takes the form of structure, routine, and learning the boundaries of others. Part of that structure involves understanding your personal limitations and values and the limitations within the household that incorporate the needs, feelings, and values of other family members.
Your developing connection and knowledge of child development will guide you in establishing boundaries. There is nothing wrong with explaining to your child why she can’t do a certain activity or why she has to do something she really doesn’t want to do. Some will say that children should be obedient regardless and that adults shouldn’t have to explain anything to children. However, research has found that children who were more empathetic and able to avoid conflict had parents, particularly mothers, who were more empathetic themselves, were not critical of the child, and took the time to explain the consequences of their child’s actions and offered suggestions for how to effectively deal with the situation or person.6 Again, it goes back to simply treating your children the way you would want to be treated.
6 Patterson et al., “A developmental perspective in antisocial behavior.”
Also, know when to “pick your battles.” Too often, we adults become rigid in our thinking and can become unreasonable in our expectations. The key to parenting (and life) is being flexible (within reason). Make sure your expectations and boundaries are developmentally appropriate by referencing trusted resources such as books or websites.
The Dangers of Traditional Discipline
Using shame, humiliation, guilt, manipulation, coercion, or physical forms of discipline can interfere with the connection between parent and child. Instilling fear in children serves no purpose and creates feelings of shame and humiliation. Dr. Neufeld strongly warns against using these tactics for getting children to behave: “We must never intentionally make a child feel bad, guilty, or ashamed in order to get him to be good. Abusing the attachment conscience evokes deep insecurities in the child and may reduce him to shut it down for fear of being hurt. The consequences are not worth any short-term gains in behavioral goals.”7
7 Neufeld and Maté, Hold On to Your Kids, 71.
Physical forms of discipline have been shown to lead to an increased risk of future antisocial behavior, including crime and substance abuse.8, 9 Children raised with the fear of being hurt learn to behave positively because they are in sight of their parents or another authority figure. They may fear punishment, or they may fear a loss of parental love and affection. Although physical discipline and fear may change behavior in the short run, it will not have the desired effects in the long run.
8 Straus, Beating the Devil Out of Them, 165.
9 Weiss et al., “Some consequences of early harsh discipline.”
Children raised in homes dominated by punitive parenting styles are more likely to exhibit aggressive behavior.10 Coercive, harsh, inconsistent discipline and poor parent involvement and monitoring are predictors of children’s antisocial behavior.11
10 Thomas, “Aggressive behaviour outcomes for young children.”
11 Patterson et al., “A developmental perspective in antisocial behavior”; Straus, Beating the Devil Out of Them, 165.
In 2002, research scientist Elizabeth Thompson Gershoff, PhD, working at Columbia University’s National Center for Children in Poverty, conducted a meta-analysis on the use of corporal punishment that covered more than three hundred studies and spanned sixty-two years. She found that ten of the eleven studies in the meta-analysis indicate parental corporal punishment is associated with the following undesirable behaviors and experiences:
Corporal punishment was associated with only one desirable behavior; namely, increased immediate compliance. Gershoff summarizes: “For one, corporal punishment on its own does not teach children right from wrong. Secondly, although it makes children afraid to disobey when parents are present, when parents are not present to administer the punishment, those same children will misbehave.”12
12 Gershoff, “Corporal punishment by parents.”
Likewise, spanking a child or using other physical discipline techniques may temporarily stop a behavior, but it does not teach the child appropriate self-discipline. Instead, studies show that it can create ongoing behavioral and emotional problems.13 Harsh, physical discipline teaches children that violence is the only way to solve problems. Controlling or manipulative discipline compromises the trust between parent and child and harms the attachment bond.
13 American Academy of Pediatrics, “Guidance for effective discipline.”
In Beating the Devil Out of Them, researcher Dr. Murray Straus writes of our culture’s “conspiracy of silence” on the subject of corporal punishment:
The universal and chronic use of corporal punishment and its potentially harmful effects on children is the best-kept secret of American child psychology. It is almost as though there is a conspiracy of silence among those who do research on children or write about childrearing. The discrepancy is so glaring that it is worth considering some of the reasons for the silence.”14
14 Straus, Beating the Devil Out of Them, 10.
15 Straus and Mouradian, “Impulsive corporal punishment by mothers.”
16 Straus et al., “Spanking by parents.”
17 Weiss et al., “Some consequences of early harsh discipline.”
18 Straus, Beating the Devil Out of Them, 165.
19 American Academy of Pediatrics, “Guidance for effective discipline.”
20 Hyland et al., “Beating and insulting children as a risk.”
What About “Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child”?
While we strongly believe that attachment parenting practices are fully compatible with the beliefs of all major religions, we realize that the beliefs of some readers may conflict. We want to briefly touch on a couple of points that have helped families feel comfortable practicing positive discipline. Dr. William Sears and Martha Sears cowrote The Complete Book of Christian Parenting and Child Care, which goes into much more depth about the applications of Christian teachings to attachment parenting. Here is some information from their website, AskDrSears.com:
Some believe that it is the duty of a God-fearing parent to spank, citing specific “rod verses” to support this belief. “Spare the rod and spoil the child” is a misquote of “he who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him” (Prov. 13:24).
At first glance, these rod verses may sound pro-spanking. But we ask you to consider a different interpretation of these teachings. “Rod” (shevet) can mean several different things. The Hebrew dictionary gives this word various [shades of] meanings: a stick (for punishment, writing, fighting, ruling, walking, etc.). While the rod could be used for hitting, it was more frequently used for guiding wandering sheep. Shepherds didn’t use the rod to beat their sheep—and children are certainly more valuable than sheep. As shepherd-author Philip Keller teaches so well in A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23, the shepherd’s rod was used to fight off prey, and the staff was used to gently guide sheep along the right path (“Your rod and your staff, they comfort me” Psalm 23:4).
The book of Proverbs is one of poetry. It is logical that the writer would have used a well-known tool to form an image of authority. We believe that this is the point that God makes about the rod in the Bible—parents take charge of your children.
When you reread the “rod verses,” use the concept of parental authority when you come to the word “rod,” rather than the concept of beating or spanking. It rings true in every instance.21
21 Sears and Sears, “Discipline and behavior.”
In Spare the Child: The Religious Roots of Punishment and the Psychological Impact of Physical Abuse, author Philip Greven found the term “spare the rod, spoil the child” cannot be attributed to the Bible. The origin of the phrase came from a poem by Samuel Butler written in 1664 entitled “Hudibras.”22
22 Greven, Spare the Child, 48.
A Look at Discipline Through the World’s Religions
When we have talked to parents from many different religious backgrounds, it has been affirming to learn that we have more in common than not, especially when it comes to the core teachings of their religions. All the major world religions have what has been called “the Golden Rule” for guiding humanity in how to treat our fellow human beings. It is also the guiding principle of attachment parenting philosophy as it applies to children. Here are some quotations from several of the major religious texts:
Every one of these statements is an excellent expression of the word empathy. If one word could encapsulate the parenting philosophy described in this book, empathy would be that word. All over the world, people have been taught to love and treat their neighbors as they love themselves, yet we struggle with this teaching when it comes to our children. If we truly put ourselves in their place, if we imagine what our needs were as an infant or as a teenager, we have the most profound parenting strategy ever given. However, we must remember an important part of this philosophy: we must first learn to love and understand ourselves to be able to love our children. Reflecting on our own childhood histories, taking care of our own emotional, physical, and spiritual needs, and filling our own “love tank” gives us the ability to care for others. Just like the analogy of the flight attendant’s instructions to “put your oxygen mask on first” and then tend to your little ones, it is critical that we take time every day to love and nurture ourselves.
Responsive, nonpunitive, and nonauthoritarian parenting results in children with higher levels of empathy and prosocial behavior.23
23 Zahn-Waxler et al., “Child rearing and children’s prosocial initiations.”
Rewards and punishments are other ways that we as parents manipulate and coerce our children. This is a topic that will probably stimulate much discussion and doubt, but remember that the main focus of positive discipline is connection and cooperation. You may be thinking that taking away rewards and punishments leaves you no tools for effectively disciplining your children, but many alternatives exist. We have listed our top twenty-five tips for positive discipline in this chapter, as well as some of our favorite resources in Appendix C. Our intent is to change the consciousness of child-rearing attitudes; this means looking at the root causes of the behavior and working on the attachment relationship rather than reacting to the behavior itself. We realize that change is gradual, and even in our own families we have had to adjust our thinking and strategies over the years. Many wonderful resources available today offer parents a variety of ways to begin this change and communicate more effectively.
Alfie Kohn, father, educator, and author, sheds new light on the use of rewards in his book, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason:
The first thing to understand is that rewards are remarkably ineffective at improving the quality of people’s work or learning. A considerable number of studies have found that children and adults alike are less successful at many tasks when they’re offered a reward for doing them—or doing them well. In fact, the first scientists to discover this result were caught off-guard. They expected that some sort of incentive for high achievement would motivate people to do better, but they kept finding that the opposite was true.24
24 Kohn, Unconditional Parenting, 32.
Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté agree that the use of rewards and punishments can “destroy the precious internal motivation to be good,” and then it becomes necessary to use them in order to control a child’s behavior.25 They strongly advise parents to carefully nurture a child’s desire to be good and protect their connection, warning parents, “It is a violation of the relationship not to believe in the child’s desire when it actually exists, for example, to accuse the child of harboring ill intentions when we disapprove of behavior. Such accusations can easily trigger defenses in the child, harm the relationship, and make her feel like being bad.” For instance, a one-year-old child is not developmentally capable of understanding the concept of sharing. When young children are together playing with toys and another child decides he wants the very toy that the other child is playing with, it often leads to frustration, hitting, and tears. Rather than understanding the child’s intent of fulfilling his natural drive for curiosity, exploration, and play, parents sometimes assume their child’s intent is selfishness because they don’t understand his emotional and cognitive abilities. Rather than punishing the child, it’s so much easier and healthier to quickly intervene, using a soft, kind voice, offering another attractive toy. If that doesn’t work, then the parent of the child with the toy can try to interest her in another toy and make an exchange. These strategies work much of the time, but, barring those, changing the child’s environment altogether will provide a major distraction while using empathy and a caring voice to redirect his attention.
25 Neufeld and Maté, Hold On to Your Kids, 72.
As your children grow older, many teachable moments can be used to help guide behavior that promotes the development of your child’s conscience in healthy ways. When a child feels remorse for something she has done, this is a good sign and provides the opportunity to talk to your child about the feelings of others (empathy) and to discuss ways to make amends for the behavior, if it seems appropriate. Feelings of remorse are indications of a healthy developing conscience, and, as most of us have experienced, we are usually quite harsh with ourselves when we feel this way. However, when parents disregard a child’s remorse and use harsh punishments (spanking, grounding, removal of favorite toys, etc.), then the child’s remorse turns to anger toward the parent, and the child becomes motivated to misbehave. Over time, children learn not to care anymore—they can become detached from the pain of spankings, detached from their possessions and caring about others. Their behavior becomes driven by external rather than internal factors; they behave out of fear of punishment rather than a moral sense of what is right and wrong. Rewarding a child’s behavior is just as detrimental as punishing; it may temporarily stop the behavior, but in the long run it denies children opportunities to develop desirable intrinsically motivated qualities and behavior.
Parenting promises intense and challenging moments, despite our best intentions to develop and maintain a strongly connected relationship. Parents who want to practice positive discipline may sometimes have difficulty communicating with, understanding, or feeling empathy toward their child. In the “perfect storm” of fatigue, stress, and frustration, some parents will react harshly or feel like hitting their child. This is not uncommon, and it is important that parents realize that anyone can snap under the “right” circumstances. It is a sign of strength and personal growth for a parent to examine his or her own childhood experiences, to explore how these may negatively influence parenting, and to seek professional help if needed. When your connection with your child breaks, always take the time to repair it, whether that means apologizing or making amends to your child. By doing so, you are modeling the very behavior you want to instill in your child.
There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.
The first day the boy had driven thirty-seven nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled. Eventually he discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally, the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.
The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, “You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won’t matter how many times you say ‘I’m sorry,’ the wound is still there.”
The little boy then understood how powerful his words were. He looked up at his father and said, “I hope you can forgive me, Father, for the holes I put in you.”
“Of course I can,” said the father.
—Author unknown
Who of us hasn’t hurt others with our words out of ignorance, anger, or frustration? Who of us hasn’t been hurt by harsh words or felt like we weren’t being heard by others? In all human relationships, the ability to communicate effectively and compassionately is one of the most important skills we can learn. The words we use, the way in which we speak to others (especially our children), and our ability to listen have profound, lasting effects. We live in a world where we commonly use our words as weapons to manipulate
others, to get our needs met, or to express our emotions, and we learn them from the day we are born. Along with compassionate communication, empathetic listening is a skill that must be taught. We live in such a fast-paced culture that it’s “normal” to be only partially tuned-in to what the other person is saying. Often our minds are zoning out on other matters or racing ahead, thinking about what we want to say next. We have never learned how to be conscious in our conversations with others, and this has led to misunderstandings, misperceptions, hurt feelings, anger, frustration, the breakup of relationships, and war. Just like parenting, we learn to communicate from our parents and other adults. It takes a conscious effort to let go of old habits and learn new ways, but it is definitely possible and, in a real sense, necessary to help develop strong emotional connections and strengthen relationships, whether with your child or your spouse. Teaching your children how to communicate compassionately becomes an opportunity for you to learn new ways of communicating with other adults.
Marshall Rosenberg, the developer of a program called Nonviolent Communication (NVC), believes that we humans are not very good at identifying or expressing our needs to others, nor are we very good at listening empathetically to the needs of others. The NVC program is so effective that Dr. Rosenberg has been asked to use it in foreign political peace negotiations and warring tribes, with great success. A primary goal of NVC is to “create human connections that empower compassionate giving and receiving.” NVC fits hand in glove with the principles of attachment parenting because of its focus on respecting the needs of adults and children while developing empathy and creating emotional connections. As stated on the NVC website, “This approach to communication emphasizes compassion as the motivation for action rather than fear, guilt, shame, blame, coercion, threat, or justification for punishment. In other words, it is about getting what you want for reasons you will not regret later. NVC is not about getting people to do what we want. It is about creating a quality of connection that gets everyone’s needs met through compassionate giving.”26
26 Center for Nonviolent Communication, “Nonviolent communication is . . .”
The NVC program offers many resources through its website, www.cnvc.org, including on-site training, CDs, and DVDs. The four basic steps in following NVC are stating (1) observations, (2) feelings, (3) needs, and (4) requests.
Step 1—Observations: Descriptions of what is seen or heard without added interpretations. For example, instead of saying, “She’s having a temper tantrum,” say “She is lying on the floor crying and kicking.”
Step 2—Feelings: Our emotions rather than our story or thoughts about what others are doing. For example, instead of saying, “I feel like you’re irresponsible,” which includes an interpretation of another’s behavior, say “I feel worried.”
Step 3—Needs: Feelings are caused by needs, which are universal and ongoing and not dependent on the actions of particular individuals. State your need rather than the other person’s actions as the cause.
For example, say “I feel annoyed because I need support” rather than “I feel annoyed because you didn’t do the dishes.”
Step 4—Requests: Doable, immediate, and stated in positive action language (what you want instead of what you don’t want). For example, “Would you be willing to come back tonight at the time we’ve agreed?” rather than “Would you make sure not to be late again?” By definition, when we make requests, we are open to hearing “No” and taking it as an opportunity for further dialogue.27
27 Ibid.
Positive Discipline Leads To . . .
28 Eisenberg et al., “Prosocial development in childhood.”
29 Eisenberg-Berg and Mussen, “Empathy and moral development in adolescence.”
30 Baumrind, “Parental disciplinary patterns and social competence in children”; Maccoby and Martin, “Socialization in the context of the family.”
31 Coombs and Landsverk, “Parenting styles and substance use.”
32 Dornbusch et al., “The relation of parenting style to adolescent school performance”; Steinberg, Elman, et al., “Impact of parenting practices.”
33 Steinberg, Elman, et al., “Impact of parenting practices.”
34 Jackson et al., “Authoritative parenting, child competencies, and initiation of cigarette smoking.”
35 Baumrind, “The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use”; Jackson and Foshee, “Violence-related behaviors of adolescents.”
36 Baumrind, “Parental disciplinary patterns and social competence in children.”
Our Top Twenty-Five Tips
for Practicing Positive Discipline
The following tips are a compilation of ideas from a variety of sources, many of which fall closely in line with the NVC model of communication. No one-size-fits-all approach can cover discipline; positive discipline takes into consideration the child’s age, personality, and temperament. We strongly encourage you to continue to educate yourself about alternatives to harsh discipline and seek support from like-minded friends or an API support group. This area of child rearing can be the most difficult as a result of one’s own lack of experience and the lack of support from our culture. Additional resources can be found in Appendix C.
Tip No. 1: Maintain a positive relationship. Refrain from projecting your own perceptions of your child’s intentions. Neufeld and Maté warn, “It is a violation of the relationship not to believe in the child’s desire [to be good] when it actually exists,” and accusing a child of bad intentions when they didn’t exist can harm your relationship and actually create within the child the desire to be bad.37 Resolve to maintain a positive relationship with the child, even in the most difficult situations. Stay focused on identifying needs and exploring solutions. Through all stages of development, children are observing their parents and internalizing parental behaviors as appropriate. It is important for parents to model the kind of adult they would like their child to become.
37 Neufeld and Maté, Hold On to Your Kids, 72.
Tip No. 2: Use empathy and respect. Be empathetic and respectful by acknowledging a child’s feelings; keeping his needs, abilities, and developmental level in mind; and using a win-win attitude that seeks to meet as many needs as possible.
Tip No. 3: Research positive discipline. Read books or watch DVDs that focus on positive communication and discipline, and talk to like-minded parents with children of similar ages. These resources offer reassurance and helpful parenting suggestions.
Tip No. 4: Seek to understand the unmet need. What is your child trying to communicate? Children often communicate their feelings through their behavior. By looking at the world through their eyes, parents model the first lesson of empathy. Helping the child think about and understand what others are feeling also fosters this empathy. Recognize and meet the child’s need for nutrition, rest, and comfort. When children are cranky and not behaving their best, it’s often because they are hungry, tired, or feeling a lack of connection, and they need their “emotional tank” to be refilled.
Tip No. 5: Work out a solution together. Propose a solution, or ask an older child to propose one. Be open to creative solutions that meet both the parent’s and the child’s needs. This negotiation of simple conflicts teaches the child valuable conflict-resolution skills.
Tip No. 6: Be proactive. Try to monitor the child and watch for the early signs of a problem or unmet need. Get involved quickly before major issues arise. It takes only a second for a situation to get out of control. It’s much easier to avoid a situation than it is to deal with it after the fact.
Tip No. 7: Understand your child’s developmental abilities. Preverbal children often cannot understand concepts such as sharing, and developmentally they have little or no impulse control. Therefore, creating lots of rules and restrictions is likely to be an exercise in frustration for both parent and child. Use redirection to guide babies or toddlers away from dangerous areas or to divert their attention to something else. Understand basic child development and develop appropriate expectations based on the child’s age and abilities.
Tip No. 8: Create a “Yes” environment. Before saying “No,” stop to think, “Why not?” If the activity is inconvenient rather than dangerous, consider allowing it. If a toddler can attempt to navigate a desired path or activity with parental assistance, provide it. If you can’t jointly complete the activity safely, try substituting something similar. Rather than saying no, try telling the child what he can do instead.
Tip No. 9: Teach discipline through play. Turn power struggles into playful games. Use imaginative play to work through conflicts. If a child cannot have what she wants, help her to create an imaginary scene where she can. Find the fun in everyday tasks and transitions.
Tip No. 10: Change the environment by breastfeeding, cuddling, singing, dancing, or being silly. A change of pace can be very helpful in relieving the stress of a situation, giving parents and children a mental break and allowing them to reconnect in a fun way without parents feeling the need to resort to more punitive discipline.
Tip No. 11: State a fact rather than making a demand. For example, saying, “You are close to the edge of the stairs” or “That vase is glass and will break very easily” allows the child to internalize the danger and decide for himself what action is needed to mitigate it. For younger toddlers, or in areas where the child has no experience, tell the child exactly what is expected of him. For example, “Let Mommy help you set it on the table very slowly and softly, like this, so that it won’t break.”
Tip No. 12: Avoid labeling children and focus instead on the behavior and the need that it is not meeting. For example, instead of calling a child “aggressive” or “clumsy,” describe and demonstrate the preferred behavior for the child to understand. “This is how we pet the kitty so he feels safe,” or “Hold the cup with both hands, like this, and it won’t spill.”
Tip No. 13: Use affirmative language. Make requests in the affirmative: “You’re standing in the chair. I need to feel you are safe. Sit on the chair, please,” rather than the negative “Don’t stand on the chair!” Provide a need-based reason whenever possible. Tell your child what you want her to do rather than what you don’t want her to do.
Tip No. 14: Allow your child to experience some natural consequences. Natural consequences can be excellent teachers. Parents should intervene if a natural consequence would be harmful or too scary or if the child is cognitively unable to connect the action and the consequence. Parents should also be prepared to assist when a natural consequence occurs, especially when that consequence is not one the child expected. For example, if a child goes out without a coat, bring one along for when he realizes that he is cold. Empathize with the child about his feelings (that he’s cold) rather than saying, “I told you so!”
Tip No. 15: Be sensitive to strong emotions. Be sensitive to crying and tantrums, which can be a child’s way of communicating or releasing strong emotions. Keeping the child safe (which may require relocating the child) while being calm and empathetic to the child’s immediate needs communicates unconditional understanding, love, and acceptance. It may not be helpful to try to stop the crying or tantrum if the child is working through strong feelings. A parent’s empathetic presence may be all that is needed. It may help the child if an adult can help her put her feelings into words or fantasize with her about what she wished had happened.
Tip No. 16: Redefine “time-out.” Time-out is a term used to describe a variety of discipline techniques. One popular version involves putting a child on a chair or in a room, separated from his parent, for a given amount of time. We would like to take back this term, remembering its original intention: stopping the activity, taking a break, and coming back with renewed perspective. Keeping this in mind helps parents work on their relationship with their child, rather than focus on the child’s behavior, and make efforts that strengthen the parent-child connection. Positive discipline replaces the punitive use of time-out with another version of the technique. Some parents prefer to use the term “time-in” and some choose not to use these terms at all. Time-out or time-in then becomes an opportunity to reconnect and work through the underlying problem that your child is having. To help an older toddler or child regain composure and perspective, explain to the child that both of you need to take some time away from the activity. If he is ready and willing, you can sit with your child and discuss his emotions and needs in a calm, compassionate way. In some cases, snuggle time without talking may be all that a child needs. When both you and your child are calm and ready, he can return to the activity.
Consider implementing a “meeting on the couch” policy, where any member of the family (including the child) can call a “time-out” when tensions begin to arise or when he or she feels the need for a period of reconnection.
Tip No. 17: Parents’ “time-out” is also an effective way for parents to regain composure and perspective. Parents can explain to the child that they are going to sit quietly for a bit and think. They can use this time to examine their expectations both of themselves and their child. If a child resists the parent taking a time-out or the child is too young to be out of the sight of the parent, the parent can sit calmly in the same room, close his or her eyes, take a few deep breaths, and have an internal “time-out.” If parents feel at risk for harming a child, they must take the steps necessary to ensure the child is in a safe location and separate themselves rather than reaching the breaking point—don’t hesitate to call a friend or neighbor for help. For more information on how to deal with anger toward a child, see www.stophitting.com.
Tip No. 18: Talk to your child. If a child is having a conflict with a peer, talk to the child before directly intervening, whenever possible. In circumstances where someone could get hurt, swift action may be required to ensure everyone’s safety, but many times asking the child how she’s feeling and why she did a particular thing yields better results than immediately intervening. Keep in mind the age of your child; with very young children, keep language short and simple.
Tip No. 19: Apologies should come from the heart. Many parents remember being forced to apologize to another as a child, whether it was a sincere apology or not. It probably made the parents feel better, but it did nothing to make the hurt child feel better, nor did it teach the children anything about resolving conflicts in a positive way. Apologies should come from a child’s heart and be a genuine expression of his feelings.
Allow the child to apologize in his own way, understanding that if he does not verbally apologize, he has witnessed appropriate role modeling and will begin to apologize to others when he is developmentally ready and feels genuine remorse. Children raised with empathy are much more likely to feel compassion and spontaneously apologize.
Tip No. 20: Comfort the hurt child first. Although it is difficult for a parent to see their child hurt by another, it is important for parents to go immediately to their own child when she is hurt and comfort her, letting the parents of the aggressor deal with the other child in their own way. However, note that it may be necessary to separate the hurt child from the aggressor if the aggressive child’s parents are unavailable or not immediately responding to the situation. After comforting the hurt child, attention can turn to the aggressive child if this child is also in your care. Talk to the child about what happened and how it made the other child feel, and explore with him other ways of solving the conflict or expressing his feelings.
Tip No. 21: Offer choices. When offering choices, avoid masking a threat as one of the choices. If the child does not wish to comply with your request, use reflective wording. “I know that you want to stay here and play, because you’re having so much fun! But we must go now because we need to pick up your brother from soccer practice.” Then offer two choices that would be appealing, such as “Would you like to race me to the car, or would you prefer to ride the tricycle there?”
Tip No. 22: Develop cooperation. Cooperation comes from working together. It is possible as your children grow to enlist their help in working out solutions to any problem. For example, if a four-year-old child is coloring on the wall, using the steps of NVC, the parent might say, “I see you are coloring on the wall. I feel frustrated because I need your help in keeping the wall clean. Would you help Mommy by coloring on the paper?” If the child insists on coloring on the wall, it’s a good time to take time out together to explore potential solutions. Restate the problem, find out why the child has a need to color on the wall, express your needs, discuss how to solve this together, and be open to creativity from the child. When children contribute to the solution, they are more likely to follow it. Needless to say, it won’t necessarily work if parent and child are upset with each other. Wait until you both are calm and feeling connected.
What about “logical consequences”? This is a term that has been used for decades that refers to the parents imposing a consequence for a behavior of the child. For example, taking privileges away if a child breaks a rule or acts inappropriately is what most people regard as a logical consequence. We want to redefine and clarify a more positive use of the term that eliminates blaming, criticism, shame, and punishment. Instead, consider using the opportunity to craft solutions together: “What can we do to solve this problem together?” The point is to create logical consequences that are not disguised as punishments. For instance, you might agree that the crayons need to stay in the kitchen and ask for permission from Mom or Dad to use them next time.
When your are in doubt about a consequence, Barbara Coloroso offers a simple technique to help you determine if the logical consequences are appropriate:
R: Is it reasonable?
S: Is it simple?
V: Is it valuable as a learning tool?
P: Is it purposeful?
She says, “If it isn’t all four of these, it probably won’t be effective, and it could be punishment disguised as a reasonable consequence.”38
38 Coloroso, Kids Are Worth It, 29.
Tip No. 23: Use praise conservatively. In the last thirty years, many well-intentioned parents may have gone a bit overboard with praise and rewards to make sure their child developed healthy self-esteem. Thanking your child for helping out or doing something nice is more meaningful than just saying, “Good job.” The overuse of praise, rewards, and value judgments may be experienced by a child as disingenuous or manipulative. Of course, everyone loves to be praised and acknowledged occasionally, but overdoing it can place an inappropriate value on a child’s activities, interfering with the child’s intrinsic motivation, decision-making skills, and his ability to self-evaluate; inadvertently encouraging the child to constantly seek approval; or stifling his motivation. As with other types of discipline, parents are in the best position to evaluate how to use praise and rewards and their effects on the child. Sharing feelings and describing what the child has accomplished with genuine enthusiasm—separate from the desire to change or shape a child’s behavior—can build an authentic, straightforward relationship. For example, say, “Your toys are all in the toy bin!” in an excited voice. Consider celebrating the effort rather than the result, such as “You worked very hard on that puzzle,” so that children know their efforts are worthwhile even if they don’t always succeed.
Tip No. 24: Use incentives creatively. As children grow, they may recognize habits in themselves that they would like to change. Incentives are most effective when the child genuinely desires to change a behavior such as thumb sucking and has input into developing the incentive. The incentive should be something small and fun but not something that would be seen as a punishment if it were not received. This is an opportunity for the child to talk with the parent as to whether this is a strategy that she would like to try and to reevaluate if it doesn’t seem to be working. In other words, this technique is not something the parent would arbitrarily use without the child’s input and consent. If at any point the child chooses not to, for example, stop sucking her thumb, a parent should accept this decision without shame or humiliation.
If, over time, the child consistently chooses not to change the behavior, then the parent should explore whether the child has an underlying unmet need and discuss the situation with the child.
Tip No. 25: Consider carefully before forcing your will on your child. Remember, your goal is not to break a young child’s will but to help instill the desire to be “good” and develop his own will to make good decisions. This will mean that he can feel good about having some control in his life that can lead to better cooperation. First, make reasonable attempts to find an agreeable solution that will satisfy both your needs, such as your need to leave and his need to play. You might try to use playfulness, such as turning a task into a game, by offering a couple of choices—not too many—or with a toddler, redirect the child to another activity. If nothing works, lovingly intervene in a way that acknowledges and demonstrates respect for your child’s feelings and desires.
Learning to use positive discipline may not come easily for many parents, especially if they were raised in a more traditional, authoritarian environment. The intent of this chapter is to open hearts and minds to a new way of thinking about training children: to seek out and try positive alternatives. Some will embrace this information without question, while others will need time and small steps of change. Some will have skepticism and doubt because they have never known a person who wasn’t raised without being spanked, and it can be very unnerving to think that it is even possible. Many of us were spanked as children and feel that we turned out okay; we may have turned out okay in spite of the spankings or because of the unconditional love of others. That’s why it’s so important to attend API support group meetings to talk with other parents. Many resources are available in books and on the Internet, such as parent forums on the API website, to provide the support you may need.
We need to be patient with ourselves as we learn new ways of thinking and behaving with children—it isn’t easy! Alfie Kohn reminds us in a lighthearted way of the challenges we face as parents:
The bottom line is that raising kids is not for wimps. My wife says it’s a test of your capacity to deal with disorder and unpredictability—a test you can’t study for, and one whose results aren’t always reassuring. Forget “rocket science” or “brain surgery”: When we want to make the point that something isn’t really all that difficult, we ought to say, “Hey, it’s not parenting.”39
39 Kohn, Unconditional Parenting, 1.
The process of discipline does four things that the act of punishment cannot do. The steps are:
1. Show children what they have done wrong.
2. Give them ownership of the problem.
3. Give them options for solving the problem.
4. Leave their dignity intact.40
40 Coloroso, Kids Are Worth It, 29.
In 1978, Astrid Lindgren author of Pippi Longstocking received the German Book Trade Peace Prize for her literary contributions. In her acceptance speech, she told the following story:
When I was about twenty years old, I met an old pastor’s wife who told me that when she was young and had her first child, she didn’t believe in striking children, although spanking kids with a switch pulled from a tree was standard punishment at the time. But one day when her son was four or five, he did something that she felt warranted a spanking—the first in his life. And she told him that he would have to go outside and find a switch for her to hit him with. The boy was gone a long time. And when he came back in, he was crying. He said to her, “Mama, I couldn’t find a switch, but here’s a rock that you can throw at me.” All of a sudden, the mother understood how the situation felt from the child’s point of view: that if my mother wants to hurt me, then it makes no difference what she does it with; she might as well do it with a stone. The mother took the boy onto her lap and they both cried. Then she laid the rock on a shelf in the kitchen to remind herself forever: never violence. Because violence begins in the nursery—one can raise children into violence.41
41 Lindgren, “Never Violence.”
A Mother’s Story:
Meeting on the Couch
In our family, we use a tool called “meeting on the couch.” We started this when Sophia was about two, and we were finding that our attempts to negotiate solutions to disagreements were ending in a lot of frustration. We needed a way to stop the action and talk about it.
The couch had always been a place of connection and snuggles for us, so this is the spot we picked for our meetings. An important component of our agreement is that anyone in the family can call a meeting on the couch, and then everyone must stop whatever they are doing and go to the couch. Sophia calls them at least as much as we do, and, while sometimes it’s frustrating to stop and go to the couch, we always do.
First, we just snuggle. Especially if emotions are running high, we don’t talk right away. Sometimes I tell Sophia that I need a few minutes to calm down, and sometimes she says she does. We take deep breaths, look at each other, and practice nurturing touch. If I’m really, really having a hard time calming down, sometimes we’ll turn on the TV just for a few minutes to distract us from the emotion. We try to let Sophia talk first. When she’s ready, she’ll tell us why she’s upset. We empathize and help her put words to her emotions. We ask questions so that we really understand why it is she feels she needs to do something. Then we try to communicate our feelings and our reasons for reacting the way we do. We set boundaries where they need to be set, in the context of which need of ours needs to be met. Then there is some negotiation—a component that has gotten more advanced as she’s gotten older.
When she was a toddler, it was mostly about us offering suggestions and alternatives. Now, as she approaches age five, she often amazes us with her insight and creative suggestions. It isn’t about “winning” or getting her to do anything specific. For example, if she can suggest a way to do what she wants to do while meeting the need that was causing us to say no, then we’re open to that. Sometimes the negotiation takes two minutes, sometimes it takes twenty. Once we come to an agreement, we “shake on it” and give hugs. Then we go back to what we were doing. If the same issue comes up again, we can often just say, “Remember our agreement!” (Or sometimes she says it to us!) If anyone in the family is having a hard time keeping the agreement, then we call another meeting on the couch and try again to come up with a solution to which everyone can agree. Sometimes it’s the same solution, just reaffirmed.
When we come to an agreement, it isn’t a rule imposed by us on her; it is something we’ve discussed and agreed to together. It’s a relationship. It’s touching when Sophia calls “meeting on the couch” with her dolls or tries to call them with the cat (which doesn’t always go over so well!). We believe we are teaching her to approach conflict by seeking [to solve it through] connection and understanding, rather than coercion or bullying, and we think that’s a wonderful thing she will carry with her throughout her life.
—Pam S.