Principle 4:
Use Nurturing Touch
The Healing Power of Physical Closeness
It is through our hands that we speak to the child, that we communicate. Touching is the primary language.
The newborn baby’s skin has an intelligence, a sensitivity that we can only begin to imagine. How, then, ought we to touch—to handle—a newborn baby? Very simply: by remembering what this infant has just left behind. By never forgetting that everything new and unknown might terrify and that everything recognizable and familiar is
reassurance. To calm the infant in this strange, incomprehensible world into which it just emerged, it is necessary—and enough—that the hands holding him should speak in the language of the womb.
—Frederick Leboyer, MD,
Birth Without Violence
For infants, touch is as vital as the air they breathe and the milk they drink. From Dr. Montagu, we learn that touch is the foundation upon which all senses are based, the “mother of the senses,” and the earliest sensory system to become functional in all species. It is the one sense that we cannot live without, as has been tragically demonstrated in orphanages and hospitals where untouched babies used to die of a strange disease called “hospitalism” or “marasmus,” known today as “failure to thrive.” Dr. Montagu reported that as late as the 1950s, the death rate of infants under one year of age in various United States institutions for abandoned children was nearly 100 percent. These babies were only touched during routine examinations or when they needed a bottle or a diaper change.1
1 Montagu, Touching, 97–99.
Touch: A Matter of Life and Death
Dr. Fritz Talbot of Boston was one doctor who decided to try something different. He remembered a trip he made to Düsseldorf, Germany, before World War I, where he toured a children’s clinic. As he was shown about the wards, he noticed a large old woman who was carrying a very sick infant. When he inquired who the woman was, the attending physician said, “Oh, that is Old Anna. When we have done everything we can medically for a baby, and it is still not doing well, we turn it over to Old Anna, and she is always successful.” So what was Old Anna’s secret? It was what we would call tender, loving care as she rocked and held these fragile babies. Dr. Talbot introduced this kind of care when he returned to Boston, and his methods spread. In 1938, Bellevue Hospital in New York established the rule that every baby should be picked up and “mothered” on the pediatric wards; that year the death rate fell from 35 percent to less than 10 percent.2
2 Ibid.
Today we have new policies that dictate how child therapists can deal with traumatized and abused children. Naturally, we want to protect our children from abuse and unhealthy touch, but blanket policies such as the ones described below are not the answer. Dr. Bruce Perry, senior fellow of the Child Trauma Academy, writes:
I certainly don’t have all the answers, but I do know that many of our current childcare practices are hurting our children. For example, in California, at a large center serving three- to five-year-olds, staff members are not allowed to touch the children. If they want to be hugged or held, the adults are supposed to push them away! This is a classic example of how a seemingly good idea—wanting to protect children from sexual predators
—can have serious negative consequences.
Children need healthy touch. As we’ve seen, infants can literally die without it. It’s part of our biology. Unfortunately, we’ve become so afraid of unhealthy touch that we may actually make it more likely by failing to meet the needs of children for healthy physical affection. This can make them more vulnerable to pedophiles, not less, as children will tend to seek out those who appear affectionate towards them.3
3 Perry and Szalavitz, The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, 235.
The Oxford English Dictionary defines touching as “the action or an act of touching (with the hand, finger, or other part of the body)” and “exercise of the faculty of feeling upon a material object” (emphasis added). The word feeling has an interesting double meaning here, because the tactile faculty we refer to as “feeling” is directly related to the complex language of our entire range of emotions. This double meaning is no accident—feeling and emotion are interrelated and stem from our earliest relationship to touch. Each neural or muscular stimulation and its related emotion make an indelible imprint on the developing brain.
Nurturing touch begins in the womb. Even before an embryo develops eyes or ears, his skin is highly developed. Research has shown that a fetus as young as nine weeks will bend his fingers as if to grip something if his palm is touched. The amniotic environment is a soothing, rocking, gentle environment, and the baby’s skin is like an external nervous system, the medium by which the external world is perceived.
When we observe the behavior of our closest mammalian mothers, their inborn behavior after a relatively short labor is to stimulate their babies through licking. This is nature’s way of ensuring that a baby’s urinary, gastrointestinal, and respiratory systems are activated. The purpose of a human mother’s much longer labor is to massage the human baby in utero, stimulating the baby’s systems so that the mother can concentrate on giving her baby a different kind of postlabor experience. A reciprocal process begins immediately after birth—the mother’s gentle touch as she holds and caresses her baby begins the all-important bonding and attachment process; the baby’s sucking helps to expel the mother’s placenta.
Studies in Uganda have shown that babies who are carried in upright positions are quicker to walk and develop faster in other areas, too: the upright position heightens a baby’s visual alertness while developing muscles in the back and neck. Carried around all day, babies become familiar with their worlds as they watch from their secure vantage point. Because they’re held close and upright, they stay calmer—studies show that they even cry less than babies who aren’t carried regularly.5
5 Caplan, To Touch Is to Live, 54.
Dr. Montagu explains the need for physical contact with the newborn: “During the birth process, mother and infant have had a somewhat trying time. At birth, each clearly requires the reassurance of the other’s presence. The reassurance for the mother lies in the sight of her baby, its first cry, and in its closeness to her body. For the baby, it consists of the contact with and warmth of the mother’s body, the support in her cradled arms, the caressing, the cutaneous [skin] stimulation it receives, and the suckling at her breast, the welcome into ‘the bosom of the family.’ These are words, but they refer to very real psycho-physiological conditions.”4
4 Montagu, Touching, 73.
Anthropology also teaches us a great deal about what human babies are designed to expect from their caregivers, based on very real biological needs. Mammalian behavior is divided into four distinct categories in the ways in which the mothers carry their young; cache and carry are two examples. The cache mammals are those that leave their babies in hiding for long periods so the mother can hunt for food. These mothers have milk high in fat and protein, allowing their babies to sleep for long periods of time in order not to attract a predator with their cries. The carry species are those mammals whose babies are relatively immature and must be on their mothers’ bodies or in very close proximity. These mothers produce milk that is low in fat and protein, which digests quickly, guaranteeing that the baby will be hungry more frequently. This forces the mother to stay close by, ideally having the baby on her body so they can move together quickly if needed to escape a dangerous situation. Human babies are by far the most immature babies born, needing constant care, including feeding, holding, rocking, and other soothing behaviors. Unfortunately, Western culture has traditionally treated human babies as if they were more like cache animals, trying to invent ways to keep them quiet and alone for as long as possible, especially at night. This can force babies to go against their biology and, in some cases, lead to failure to thrive.
Researchers in the United States and England have found that on average, babies in Western cultures are touched or held for only approximately 25 percent of their daytime hours. By nine months of age, the touch time goes down to 16 percent. Even young infants in a model day care center were touched only 14 percent of the day. In contrast, studies done with the !Kung San tribe in Africa found that infants are in touch with their mothers for approximately 70 percent of the day and in someone else’s arms the rest of the time. These babies cry much less than Western babies.6
6 Heller, The Vital Touch, 119–20.
Attachment parenting encourages parents to find a happy balance in their ability to keep their babies physically close. Seventy percent may seem overwhelming for some parents, especially if they have a physical challenge to holding their babies that much, but being aware of the biological needs for babies to be held and soothed encourages us to find creative ways to meet these needs.
7 Ibid., 37.
Nurturing touch has so many advantages; for instance, it stimulates growth-promoting hormones. Growth hormone emanates from the hypothalamus, and touch is what sends a message to the pituitary gland to release this hormone. A Duke University researcher discovered that when baby rats were not licked by their mothers, it took only forty-five minutes before the growth hormone was suppressed.7 As Dr. Tiffany Field, the director of the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami, explains, “Our fingertips contain an incredible pharmacy. Slide them across the trunks of preterm infants and the pressure stimulates a branch of a cranial nerve called the vegetative vagus, which, in turn, stimulates the gastrointestinal tract, releasing hormones like glucose and insulin [which aids in gastrointestinal food absorption, thus enhancing digestion].” Researchers also found that premature infants who were gently stroked produced more immunoglobulin, which protects against respiratory infections. More research tells us that nurturing touch improves intellectual and motor development immediately from birth. It also helps regulate babies’ temperature, heart rate, and sleep-wake patterns, especially when the baby is held skin to skin. These babies not only gain weight faster, they also nurse better, are calmer, and are able to be more quickly soothed when they cry.8
8 Schanberg and Field, “Sensory deprivation stress and supplemental stimulation”; Gray et al., “Skin-to-skin contact is analgesic in healthy newborns”; St. James-Roberts et al., “Supplementary carrying compared with advice.”
Parents also benefit from practicing nurturing touch. As discussed in Chapter 3, the hormone oxytocin (the “mother love” hormone) is released through loving touch, so babies, mothers, and fathers all benefit from massage, hugs, and snuggle time. The calming effects of skin-to-skin contact help parents get to know their babies better, strengthening the emotional bonds between parent and child. Additionally, an inverse relationship exists between nurturing touch and adult physical violence. Cultures that rate high in physical affection, touch, holding, or carrying rate low in adult physical violence. The cultures rating low in physical touch have high rates of adult physical violence.10
9 Gray et al., “Skin-to-skin contact is analgesic in healthy newborns.”
10 Heller, The Vital Touch, 71.
12 Ibid.
Doctors in Bogotá, Colombia, discovered an amazing solution to their lack of funding for incubators for premature babies: their mothers’ bodies! They called this type of care Kangaroo Mother Care, or “K-care” for short, which creatively describes how a baby is held skin to skin on the mother’s chest. Babies who were able to breathe on their own were placed between their mothers’ breasts for warmth, and the mothers were encouraged to let their babies suckle as frequently as they could. The nurses soon realized that these babies grew faster, gained significantly more weight, and slept better, and their heart rates and temperatures stabilized more quickly. Fathers were also given the opportunity to hold their infants, and the results were remarkably beneficial for the babies. Many of the newborns were able to leave the hospital sooner, and the mothers and fathers felt much more confident about their abilities to care for their babies once they returned home.11 More recent research has shown that if a K-care baby’s body temperature cools down, the mother’s body warms up, and if the baby’s temperature gets too warm, the mother’s body cools down.
11 Ruiz-Peláez et al., “Kangaroo mother care.”
Dr. Nils Bergman first introduced K-care to hospitals in South Africa in 1995. His website, www.kangaroomothercare.com/, has excellent information and research, with significant contributions by his colleague Susan Ludington-Hoe. They provide much research that demonstrates the profound physiological and attachment benefits to premature and full-term babies and their parents, especially when done within the first hour after birth. Now many hospitals practice K-care around the world, so if you deliver a preemie, be sure and ask whether you can practice K-care with your baby.
How You Can Provide Nurturing Touch
Parents can meet their children’s need for loving contact in many ways. Skin-to-skin holding in the form of kangaroo care is beneficial for all newborn babies and helps them transition peacefully to the outside world. Part of your birth plan could include instructions on how you would like your baby cared for directly after birth. Many hospital nursery nurses are directed to scrub the baby, sometimes with rough washcloths, but you may request that the baby stay with you, and, if possible, that Mother or Father give her her first gentle bath with warm water and a gentle approach.
One study showed that premature infants who received three fifteen-minute periods of massage a day for ten consecutive days experienced a 47 percent increase in weight gain. By eight months of age, these babies showed advanced weight gain and better intellectual and motor development.13
13 Schanberg and Field, “Sensory deprivation stress and supplemental stimulation.”
Premature babies who were held skin to skin with their caregivers had less severe infections, less time in the hospital, and were breastfed longer than the control group.14
Premature babies who were touched and held gained weight faster and were healthier than the control group.15
14 Rey and Martinez, “Manejo racional del niño prematuro.”
15 Conde-Agudelo et al., “Kangaroo mother care to reduce morbidity.”
Breastfeeding provides an excellent opportunity for a mother to snuggle with her undressed infant. If a mother or other caregiver is bottle-feeding, the baby can still be held skin to skin to give the baby that important touch time. For instance, the baby’s clothing can be removed and the mother can hold the baby in the same feeding position as a nursing mother, as discussed in Chapter 3. Bath time is another opportunity for skin contact. The calming effects of nurturing touch are increased with the warmth of the bathwater, and studies have shown that this simple technique can foster more secure attachments with babies.16 Many parents find that it is safer and easier to bathe with their infants rather than bathe the baby in a sink or other hard surface; this, too, increases opportunities for nurturing touch.
16 Saunder, “Co-bathing as a gentle solution for attachment difficulties.”
One of the University of Miami Touch Institute’s discoveries in the early 1990s was that the benefits of touch therapy are mutual. So vibrant is the power of touch that the massage giver enjoys as many significant health benefits as the massage recipient. For one study, the institute recruited retiree “grandparent” volunteers and trained them to massage premature, drug-exposed, “failure-to-thrive” newborns, orphans, and abused children. After a month of massage, the infants were more active, their alertness and tracking behaviors improved, they slept better, and they were more sociable and easier to soothe. But the children were not the only beneficiaries. The retirees showed a dramatic decrease in depression, increased feelings of self-worth, improved sleep patterns, and fewer doctor visits. They reported less anxiety and drank fewer cups of coffee, and their levels of urine cortisol, a stress-related hormone, decreased. In fact, the positive effects on the “grandparents” were greater after giving a massage than after receiving one.18
18 McClure, Infant Massage, 13.
Massage is perhaps the best way to provide nurturing touch to infants, and the benefits continue as children get older. Massage can soothe a colicky baby, help a child unwind before bedtime, and provide playful interaction between parent and child. While all parents can use massage as a special way to connect with their babies, it is a particularly wonderful tool for fathers to nurture their attachment relationships. Vimala McClure, the founder of the International Association of Infant Massage, writes, “The bonds of trust and love, the lessons of compassion, warmth, openness, and respect that are inherent in the massage routine will be carried by your child into adulthood. Especially if your parenting practices reflect the same values of infant massage, your child will be more likely to respond to others with empathy and warmth, to respond to social problems with compassion and altruism, and to experience life as a joyful adventure in which he has the opportunity to love and be loved—to help others and extend himself in genuine service to humanity.”17
17 Gordon and Adderly, Brighter Baby, 11.
Parents who practice infant massage report many benefits, including some that they never would have associated with nurturing touch. Recently, writer Jennifer Mahal shared this story in the San Diego Union-Tribune when she interviewed parents who were taking a baby massage class in a San Diego elementary school:
Itzel Serrano used to hate being put into her car seat. The five-month-old would fuss and kick when her father, George Serrano, strapped her in. That was before George and his wife, Aracely, took a class in infant massage offered by the Kids on Track pilot project in the Chula Vista Elementary School District. “Before, I would pick her up and put her in the car seat, but now I tell her. I show her the car seat. I tell her we’re going for a ride,” George said, watching Itzel, his first child. . . . “She responds much better.”
Communication and bonding between parent and child is what the five-week class is all about, instructor Elaine Lopez said. “It’s not about the strokes, it’s more the bonding and attachment,” said Lopez, who teaches a group of five to seven parents to massage their babies by demonstrating on a doll named Lucy.
“How a baby is viewed influences how a baby is cared for,” said Suzanne P. Reese, an international instructor with Infant Massage USA. “Infant massage works as a way to create greater understanding between children and adults because it is all about nurturing,” she said. “It’s simple and effective and you don’t need the electronic tools and gizmos and gadgets. . . . It’s the love from your heart to your hands.”
Studies done by the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami School of Medicine show that infant massage can help preterm babies grow and develop, can help preschoolers behave better, and has positive effects on the parent-child relationship. Enriquez, who brings her three-year-old son, Gael Ontiveros, with her to the weekly sessions, said learning how to massage Valeria has helped her discover her daughter’s likes and dislikes. “She loves to have her toes rubbed,” Enriquez said in Spanish. “She’ll put her foot on me and wait very still.”
Parents are taught to ask their babies’ permission before starting massage. They warm drops of oil in their hands, making a swishing noise that acts as a cue to the baby. Martha Hernandez said her five-month-old, Edwin, is antsy before she starts. He calms “the minute I do the massage,” she said.
The class cycles through a series of massage strokes with names such as water wheel, open book, sun and moon, and Indian milking. Although Lopez teaches the massage strokes as a series, going from hands and feet to the stomach and the back, she tells the parents to pay attention to what their child wants and follow the little one’s lead. “This is really child-led, it really truly is, because it’s all about the baby,” said Lopez, a mother of three. That means if a child needs to eat during class, they eat. If they want their back rubbed instead of their front, so be it. “Sometimes [Itzel] doesn’t want to be massaged,” George said. “Sometimes she just wants to play.”
No fancy lotions or salves are used. Parents learn that babies can be massaged with 100 percent cold-pressed olive oil. “They can use what they use in a salad,” Butler said, noting that babies often like to suck their fingers and toes. “We want them to be able to do it and not have to buy costly products.” Parents are encouraged to incorporate massage time into their family’s lives. Many families add it to their child’s bedtime or bathing routines. Lorena Lopez sets aside time for her nine-month-old, Raul Grajeda, and her four-year-old, Rene Grajeda. She said doing massage has allowed her to connect with both sons. “Rene has his time and Raul has his time,” Lopez said through an interpreter. “It’s important to be able to do this, with our lives being so hectic.”
The commitment of the parents coming to the class has impressed the instructors. “These moms are so dedicated. They have a million things on their plate—cooking, cleaning, taking care of their husbands—but they’re taking this hour and a half,” instructor Elaine Lopez said. The instructors said during the last session, one mother walked several miles to the class because her car broke down and she didn’t want to miss it. “I think those babies are experiencing a lot of love,” Lopez said.19
19 Mahal, “Massaging baby induces bonding.”
- promotes bonding
- encourages relaxation
- makes baby feel loved
- promotes better sleep
- facilitates body awareness
- boosts immune system
- promotes sensory stimulation
- improves skin condition
- improves blood circulation
- aids digestion and waste elimination
- balances respiration
- helps parents learn to read babies’ cues and better respond to their needs
- helps build parents’ and babies’ self-esteem
—from “Frequently asked questions,” Infant Massage USA website
Infant massage classes are now available in most communities. Although this practice has been used in many cultures around the world for centuries, it is relatively new to parents in Western cultures. As research catches up with the miraculous benefits to babies and parents, the practice is now being promoted by hospitals and infant development experts around the world. Resources for classes are available in Appendix C.
In 1990, a study was published by Dr. Elizabeth Anisfeld and her team of researchers at Columbia University, who wanted to determine if close physical contact would increase infants’ security of attachment.The mothers who participated in the study were low-income inner-city mothers, married and single, who had just delivered in an inner-city hospital. One group of moms was given soft baby carriers (called “Snuglies”), and the other group was given plastic infant seats to use to carry their babies. The researchers wanted to determine if this factor alone would correlate to the security of attachment of these babies to their mothers at thirteen months of age. By three months of age they observed a marked difference in the degree of responsiveness and sensitivity from the mothers using the soft carriers. At thirteen months, using the Strange Situation experiment, they found an astounding 83 percent of the infants who were carried in the soft carriers were securely attached, whereas only 38 percent of the infants carried in plastic infant seats were securely attached. They concluded that the close physical contact alone was related to sensitive responsiveness, which led to secure attachment of baby and mother.20
20 Anisfeld et al., “Does infant carrying promote attachment?”
Today’s AP Mother
All over the world, mothers have found this simple tool to be the greatest mothering technique ever invented. In Western culture, it is a relatively new practice and is commonly referred to as “babywearing.” This refers to carrying a baby in a sling or other soft carrier and provides the same benefits as carrying the baby in one’s arms. Carried babies cry less and are more calm and content.21
21 Heller, The Vital Touch, 199.
Many pediatricians are concerned about a new phenomenon they are seeing in their practices, of babies with “flat-head syndrome,” or plagiocephaly, caused by babies spending too much time lying on their backs.22 Babies who are carried rather than spending all their time in plastic seats or car seats do not have this problem. Another advantage is that infants who are carried can see the world at their parents’ level but can also snuggle in when feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated. Babywearing also meets a baby’s need for physical contact, comfort, security, stimulation, and movement, all of which encourage neurological development. Many parents find babywearing extremely effective for meeting a child’s need for nurturing touch while on the go or doing everyday tasks around the house.
22 Littlefield, “Car seats, infant carriers, and swings.”
My Baby Doesn’t Seem to Like a Sling—Help!
Q I recently received a baby sling as a gift, but my baby doesn’t seem to like it. When I put him in it, he starts to fuss. He is three months old, and I’ve carried him in my arms a lot up to this point. Is there anything I can do to get him to accept being in the sling? If not, can I still be an attachment parent without using a sling?
A Using a baby sling or other soft baby carrier is a great way to ensure that your baby gets lots of holding and carrying as you move through your busy life. The hands-free aspect makes it easy for you to get other things done at the same time you are meeting your baby’s needs for touch, closeness, movement, and your presence. Up to now, you may have been meeting these needs by holding your baby in arms. It is certainly possible to be an attachment parent without using a sling by continuing to carry him in your arms and finding other high-touch ways to stay connected, like infant massage. But don’t give up on the sling just yet! Slings are convenient and make it easier to hold your baby longer.
Here are some suggestions that may help: The Attachment Parenting Book by Dr. William Sears and Martha Sears has an excellent chapter on babywearing. The authors point out that using a sling can take a little practice and might feel awkward at first but will become second nature after a while. One of their suggestions is to put on the sling in the morning when you’re getting dressed. Then you already have it on and can put your baby in it whenever you’d like during the day instead of first putting him down, which isn’t always convenient to do. This is a good way to get used to wearing the sling and will make it easier for you to try it with your baby.
- Babies can often sense when you are stressed or upset and become upset, too, so try to stay calm and patient as you introduce the sling.
- Double-check to be sure that you are wearing the sling correctly and that you know how to position your baby in it comfortably. Your sling probably came with detailed instructions and maybe even an instructional video, which you may want to review.
- You may find it helpful to talk to another parent you know who is experienced in wearing a baby. She or he can help you make sure that there is nothing you’ve overlooked, and give you tips on adjusting the sling to fit you and your baby comfortably.
- Every baby is different, so you may need to experiment to see what works best for yours. You can try putting him or her in the sling at different times—when he or she is sleepy or wide awake, calm or fussy, and so on, to see when he or she is most agreeable to being in it.
- You may also want to try different positions. From three months or a little older, many babies like facing forward in the sling; if possible, get an experienced babywearing parent to assist you.
- If you are breastfeeding, you can nurse your baby while using the sling, and it may be a good way to get your baby to stay interested in staying in the sling longer.
- Some parents find that a little distraction helps as they get their baby settled into the sling. When you first put your baby in it, try walking around, patting, and talking to him reassuringly. Movement is usually calming, so this may help him get used to the sling without starting to fuss. Another idea for distraction is to have your partner or someone else talk to him for a little while or show him a toy to engage him for a few moments when you first put him in the sling.
- Don’t put a time limit on getting your baby to accept being carried in the sling. Keep in mind that you are making a change in his or her routine, and it may take a little while for him or her to get used to this new way of being held.23
23 Silver, “Slings and attachment parenting.”
Many creative and fashionable baby and child carriers are available and are used around the world. Various types of carriers can distribute the weight load of the child across the caregiver’s body differently and allow the child to be positioned in several ways. Try multiple carriers and positions to determine what is most comfortable for parent and child, recognizing that carrier needs may change as the child grows. Some API support groups offer a “sling library” to give parents the opportunity to try on and experiment with different slings or carriers. It is now easy to buy carriers at most baby retail outlets and, of course, on many websites.
Most soft baby carriers can be used for discreet breastfeeding. This helps mothers who are uncomfortable breastfeeding in public—or those whose babies nurse frequently because of growth spurts or teething—to nurse their babies on cue while going about their daily business. Soft carriers may offer more comfort and protection for babies who are otherwise easily distracted from nursing.
Gentle movement may be helpful as a child acclimates to a new carrier. Walking or swaying with the baby in the carrier may approximate the baby’s experience in the womb and make the carrier feel more familiar and comfortable. Parents can also support the baby with their hand(s) until both parent and child feel comfortable that the carrier is secure.
As children grow, they continue to need nurturing touch for comfort and connectedness. Babywearing can continue for as long as is comfortable for both parent and child. Many carriers can accommodate growing toddlers. Soft carriers provide special security to the older child in busy and crowded locations and keep busy hands from the temptation of touching breakable objects! An overwhelmed toddler may be comforted by the familiar security of being carried. Be assured that carrying a baby into toddlerhood and beyond will not “spoil” the baby. Parents can follow the child’s lead and try not to make her feel bad about still wanting to feel the closeness that carrying provides. If you find your child is too heavy to hold comfortably, take a few minutes out, if possible, to provide attention or comfort in your lap.
In one study, mothers were asked to carry their three-week-olds in their arms or in a soft body carrier for at least three hours a day until the babies were three months old. The babies who received more carrying—four and a half hours compared to a little over two and a half for the control group—cried 43 percent less than the control group. And they cried 51 percent less in the early evening when babies are presumed most fussy. Furthermore . . . they found that infant crying did not peak at six weeks of age in the infants who were held more [as found by an earlier study conducted in 1962 by T. Berry Brazelton].24
24 Hunziker and Barr, “Increased carrying reduces infant crying.”
Many devices can be used to hold a baby or young child independently that, if overused, do not promote attachment (swings, jumpers, plastic carriers, strollers, or car seats when not being used for safety reasons). Parents using these devices should be sensitive to the baby’s behavior and body language, and they must be conscious to avoid the overuse of these products. If using a stroller or baby carriage, use a brand that allows the baby to face the parent rather than looking away. Some children like the security of seeing their parents, especially since very young babies don’t yet understand where their parents have gone when they are out of sight.
Nurturing Touch and the Older Child
Frequent hugs, snuggling, back rubs, and massage all meet the older child’s need for touch, as does more physical play such as wrestling and tickling. Use playfulness and games to encourage physical closeness in a child who is resistant, and remember that touch is an ongoing need throughout life.
Children need various types of play, from rough-and-tumble wrestling to imagination games. Many girls and boys, even sometimes as babies, enjoy some rough-and-tumble play, and it can strengthen attachment. Often parents find themselves specializing in only one type of play and may even be uncomfortable with other types, especially if they were not touched very much in their own childhood. This can be especially true for play that on the surface seems harsh or mean but may in reality only be wrestling on the floor or a child enjoying a ride on Daddy’s back. These types of play serve an important purpose for children who are working through emotions, processing the images they see in the media, and exploring their own ability to control aggression. Children benefit immensely when each parent can actively engage in all types of play, including those that require parents to challenge their own comfort levels. It is important, however, for parents to respect the child’s boundaries. Sometimes eye contact, a wink, or a smile is enough to connect with an older child, and wrestling or tickling should never be forced or overdone.
“In 1995, Robert Putman, a professor of international affairs at Harvard University, released an article that caught the attention of the U.S. government and became the subject of widespread response and social concern. The article, entitled “Bowling Alone,” spoke of the decline of what Putman called “social capital,” which refers to an individual’s network of social connections. He noted with statistical evidence that while individually centered activities (such as bowling alone, computer games, and virtual reality) are on the rise, participation in community-based activities such as bowling leagues, PTA meetings, religious groups, Boy Scouts . . . and voting are seriously declining. He quoted a poll in which Americans were asked if they could trust most people. In 1960, 58 percent of Americans said that they did, whereas in 1993, only 38 percent responded in favor of trust. . . . A touch-starved nation very quickly becomes a trust-starved nation.”26
26 Caplan, To Touch Is to Live, 18–19.
Parents should also remember to use nurturing touch with partners and other loved ones! We all know how much we appreciate a hug, a neck massage, or even a warm handshake when we interact with family, coworkers, and friends. All humans thrive on touch and the reconnection it provides. We share Sharon Heller’s vision as she concludes her book, The Vital Touch: “I can’t deny that this book is a call to arms and that the victory parade I envisage will be a march through the malls with more babies strapped on our hips, our backs, our fronts, or our shoulders. I believe this will be good for all babies—and especially those content only when held. Each tender touch buys love stock kept in a permanent reserve, always there to be drawn from. What better security could parents offer?”25
25 Heller, The Vital Touch, 199.