Nurturing Children for a Compassionate World
There is a lot of talk about world peace—peace between nations, peace between religions, peace among races. There are many theories about why we don’t have peace and what we can do to bring it about. We blame other countries. We blame the president. We blame congressional leaders. We blame the newspeople. We blame this political party or that. . . . We think that if we could be more politically active or influential we could help solve the world’s problems. . . . But let’s take a look at our own family. How much peace do we have in our own homes? Do we like our children? Do we see our spouse as our equal friend and partner? Do our children like us and feel good about being with us? Do our children like each other? Where is the peace in our own families? If we can’t create peace in our families, how can we create peace in the world? Peace in our families is what creates peace in the world.
—David and Lee Stewart, cofounders of
the InterNational Association of Parents and Professionals
for Safe Alternatives in Childbirth (NAPSAC)
This book has been written as a guidepost, not only for parents looking for practical parenting advice, but also for anyone with a vision for a more compassionate world. For some parents, the Eight Principles of Parenting are a comfortable affirmation of how they were raised themselves and want to parent their own children. For others, it may be a transformative new philosophy that connects on a deep spiritual level. We have a vision for the world that is even broader than a mere parenting program. We hope that this book will be used as a tool for opening the doors of empowerment for parents, that they will see that their role is the fundamental underpinning of civilization. The Dalai Lama has observed that the only hope for a peaceful society is learning how to access the wisdom of our hearts: “The question of world peace, the question of family peace, the question of peace between husband and wife, or peace between parents and children, everything is dependent on that feeling of love and warm-heartedness.”1 We know that for some parents becoming more conscious about their parenting choices brings up many challenges. Perhaps they were not raised in a very nurturing home and are conflicted about trying a different path with their own children. Most parents in the United States were raised in families that used some form of reward and punishment. Behavior modification is still a common tool used by classroom teachers, and it will probably be many decades before we incorporate other classroom methodologies. Unfortunately, in many states in the United States, corporal punishment is still sanctioned in the schools as a legitimate way to punish even special-needs children in the classroom. In the meantime, each family has the unique opportunity to change the paradigm in its own home. You may decide to make choices in raising your children that are different from the choices your own parents made, but it does not mean you are rejecting them personally. We all try to do the best we can with the knowledge we have at the time.
1 Dalai Lama, “quotes.”
Most mothers and fathers improve in their parenting from the previous generation to some degree, and healthy families recognize and hope that this will happen. If grandparents put strict conditions on their love and support, that may be a red flag of deeper issues in the family that need to be addressed; it is not necessarily a reason to doubt that what your heart is telling you is best for you and your children.
The pressures of being a parent are equal to any pressure on earth. To be a conscious parent, and really look to that little being’s mental and physical health, is a responsibility which most of us, including me, avoid most of the time because it is too hard.
—John Lennon, musician, songwriter, and peace activist
The Joys of Attachment Parenting:
Being in Attunement with Your Children
A common theme that we hear from many parents is the relief, joy, and peace that comes from parenting in a more empathetic and positive way. Even in the most challenging circumstances, when you have the tools to step back from the situation, assess what the child is experiencing, and act with a foundation of empathy and trust, most crises can be avoided. We hope that after reading this book, you will feel you have the guidance you need to make more positive choices in parenting your children. The confidence that comes from seeing these solutions actually work can be thrilling, especially if we started our parenting journey with very limited strategies. We like the metaphor of “tuning in” to our children. We know that when the radio is not quite on the station, all we hear is static. Our home life can be like that sometimes—the children are whining or fighting, and we just can’t seem to figure out what’s wrong. Fine-tuning the dial to get a clear, beautiful song may look like this in the home: take some deep breaths; limit the distractions; turn off the TV, computer, or telephone; and really give focused attention to the children. Then when calm returns, our family is back in attunement.
Another benefit of AP, including the support many AP parents receive from parent groups and other networking channels, is empowerment. Most of us were raised to trust authority figures—such as medical professionals, government leaders, and teachers—without question. When we become parents, we have a responsibility to look objectively at all our decisions and advocate for our children, many times in the process learning how to advocate for ourselves. We know from personal experience that in the process of raising our own children, we learned how to take more responsibility for many lifestyle changes in our adult lives as well. It is almost impossible to practice AP without doing a tremendous amount of soul-searching. We can’t expect our children to be healthy human beings, lifelong learners, and caring adults if we don’t set the example.
As we stated in the introduction, real change in society only happens from the “bottom up”; that is to say that all of us are the critical component in this paradigm shift to a more compassionate world. When we see even our toddlers reaching out with love and care to their friends or family members, we are witnessing the seeds of change that will blossom in future generations.
Study on the Intergenerational Transmission of Positive Parenting
Researchers used a sample of 228 New Zealanders who were parents of young children. Information on how the parents were themselves reared when they were between the ages of three and fifteen had been obtained from repeated interviews with their mothers when they were growing up. The now-grown children were videotaped interacting with their children in a variety of situations when their children were three to five years old. Their findings concluded that “if a mother was raised in a positive, nurturing environment, she was more likely to engage in a warm, sensitive, stimulating parenting style herself when raising the next generation.”2
2 Belsky et al., “Intergenerational transmission of warm-sensitive-stimulating parenting.”
The greatest joy comes from seeing our children grow up into compassionate adults. Just as they taught us all along our journey to learn, listen, and trust, we continue to learn from them as we watch them interact with their friends, teachers, and coworkers. It would be an interesting study to follow adult children of AP families! From our experience, we know so many of these young adults are very confident to make choices based not on fear or distrust but on consideration of the facts and an empathetic viewpoint. An example of this comes from a parent whose daughter was volunteering with her church in an orphanage in Russia. She knew that the care providers were overworked, but what the children needed were hugs and touch. Even though she was a teenager, she was able to set an example of loving care for the children and encouraged the workers to use infant slings rather than leave the babies alone in their cribs.
Many of us have great hope when we see our grown children taking an interest in their communities, either through volunteering in their churches, making more conscious choices like recycling in their homes, or getting involved in mentoring programs or political action groups. And of course the greatest joy is seeing how they interact with children, becoming empathetic parents themselves! This ripple effect will have a profound effect on entire communities and ultimately society as a whole. When we look at the challenges different nations of the world face in establishing a more democratic way of government, we can reflect on the words of Australian psychotherapist and author Robin Grille, who has written eloquently on the subject of what makes a democracy possible:
The temperament and maturity required to be one’s own authority, to feel the equal of all others, to be a responsible and active participator in public life and decisions, the inner strength to refuse tyranny or autocracy; all these qualities are second nature to those in whom they have been fostered from youth. . . . Individuals who have never been exposed to democratic notions of personal responsibility and egalitarianism in their upbringing cannot be expected to automatically immerse themselves in democratic living as soon as democracy is foisted upon them. Time and again, history teaches us that the first lessons in democracy must be delivered, through example, in the family home.3
3 Grille, “Democracy begins at home.”
In countless ways, we teach our children the values of liberty and freedom. From the first time we offer our baby solid food and trust his ability to let us know he’s ready, to the most mundane choices like giving him an option in what outfit to wear to school, we are planting the seeds of social equality. When we give our children the opportunity to help with tasks around the house, when we include them in discussions about everyday family decisions, they learn that as a family we must all help one another. When we model involved citizenship, community service, and ethical principles, our children learn our values by witnessing the best tool we have available: our example.
A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.
—Dave Barry, humorist
Throughout this book, we have discussed the importance for new mothers and fathers to go into parenting with a fierce determination to meet the needs of their babies. We hope that this book has given you the confidence, information, and resources you need to begin your parenting journey. However, we also know from years of talking with and counseling parents that many challenges occur along the way. Being aware and giving this some consideration may diffuse some of these concerns and give you the assurance that these are common problems that most parents experience. None are insurmountable, and we all have the capabilities to overcome whatever curves life may bring us.
More than twenty years ago, Dr. Montagu observed that forces seemed to be conspiring to deprive parents and babies of their rights to basic human connection. Here’s an example from his book Touching:
All through pregnancy, the mother has been elaborately prepared to minister to the dependent needs of her child . . . an indispensability that . . . is generally not understood by the very persons who have been elected the experts or authorities. . . . It is as if there was a conspiracy against both mother and child to deprive them of their . . . constitutional rights to human development.4
4 Montagu, Touching, 88–89.
Whether we think of these issues as a conspiracy or merely a challenge that any conscious parent can overcome, let us always remember to look at our choices through the eyes of our babies and children and do our best to advocate for healthy attachment. The following section provides some examples to heighten our awareness and propose some solutions.
Receiving Criticism for Parenting Choices
Attachment-parenting practices are sometimes seen as a “new style of parenting,” even though the basic principles of natural childbirth and breastfeeding, responsiveness, and respectful discipline have been practiced around the world since recorded history! We hear stories from some grandparents who are pleased to see parents who are going back to the “old ways” of keeping babies close and finding more natural solutions to common problems. However, parents may find that they receive criticism for practices that are unfamiliar in their own families or communities.
Mothers can be particularly vulnerable to criticism right after giving birth or adopting a newborn and adjusting to motherhood for the first time. This is when the husband or partner can be particularly indispensable in protecting the mother-baby dyad. When grandmother wants to come in and take over with the newborn, for instance, Dad can gently suggest she help him with the cooking and cleaning so Mom and the baby can nap together. Holidays can sometimes be a challenge when going to homes of relatives who might not approve of breastfeeding or the baby sleeping in close proximity to the parents. It’s good to think ahead and rehearse some clever comebacks. Some parents bring books with them that explain their choices in medical terms. Often, if the grandparents or other relatives know that the pediatrician recommends and encourages these methods, they are relieved and supportive.
A sense of humor is always a great way to deal with criticism, too. Some parents shared that if they handled any concerns with a funny anecdote, it seemed to break the ice and defuse any stress they might be feeling from relatives or friends. When a mother of a six-month-old was asked how long she was going to nurse, she laughingly said, “Oh, I’m thinking about all the money we’ll save if I keep it up until he goes to college!” Or when asked if his baby would be “too attached” or developmentally delayed from being carried in a sling, a dad replied, “I figure once he goes to kindergarten, he’ll just have to learn to walk on his own!”
Your greatest advertisement for attachment parenting will be your healthy, happy babies and children. Over and over again, we have seen criticism dissolve when families and friends see the joyful, caring children that are a product of such loving care. It is very gratifying when we hear the grandparents brag to their friends about their loving grandchildren!
Although our intellect-driven society leads us to believe the opposite, the intellect exists to serve the wisdom of the heart—not vice versa. All the drugs and technology in the world can’t mend a broken heart or heal someone whose heart is no longer in the game of life. The EKG signal coming from the heart is 60 times stronger than the EEG signal from brain waves. So when there’s a conflict between the intellect and the heart, the heart always wins. And the only way to heal the true discomforts of the heart is to feel them fully, have faith in a power greater than yourself, and then live your life robustly.
—Christiane Northrup, MD
“Help! I’m getting so frustrated with the endless stream of advice I get from my mother-in-law and brother! No matter what I do, I’m doing it wrong. I love them both, but how do I get them to stop dispensing all this unwanted advice?” Just as your baby is an important part of your life, she is also important to others. People who care about your baby are bonded to you and your child in a special way that invites their counsel. Knowing this may give you a reason to handle the interference gently, in a way that leaves everyone’s feelings intact.
Regardless of the advice, it is your baby, and, in the end, you will raise your child the way that you think best. So it’s rarely worth creating a war over a well-meaning person’s comments. You can respond to unwanted advice in a variety of ways:
Listen first: It’s natural to be defensive if you feel that someone is judging you, but chances are you are not being criticized; rather, the other person is sharing what he feels to be valuable insight. Try to listen—you may just learn something valuable.
Disregard: If you know that there is no convincing the other person to change her mind, simply smile, nod, and make a noncommittal response, such as, “Interesting!” Then go about your own
business—your way.
Agree: You might find one part of the advice that you agree with. If you can, provide wholehearted agreement on that topic.
Pick your battles: If your mother-in-law insists that baby wear a hat on your walk to the park, go ahead and pop one on his head. This won’t have any long-term effects except that of placating her. However, don’t capitulate on issues that are important to you or the health or well-being of your child.
Steer clear of the topic: If your brother is pressuring you to let your baby cry to sleep, but you would never do that, then don’t complain to him about your baby getting you up five times the night before. If he brings up the topic, then distraction is definitely in order, such as, “Would you like a cup of coffee?”
Educate yourself: Knowledge is power; protect yourself and your sanity by reading up on your parenting choices. Rely on the confidence that you are doing your best for your baby.
Educate the other person: If your “teacher” is imparting information that you know to be outdated or wrong, share what you’ve learned on the topic. You may be able to open the other person’s mind. Refer to a study, book, or report that you have read. Quote a doctor—many people accept a point of view if a professional has validated it. If your own pediatrician agrees with your position, say, “My doctor said to wait until she’s at least six months before starting solids.” If your own doctor doesn’t back your view on that issue, then refer to another doctor—perhaps the author of a baby care book.
Be vague: You can avoid confrontation with an elusive response. For example, if your sister asks if you’ve started potty training yet (but you are many months away from even starting the process), you can answer with, “We’re moving in that direction.”
Ask for advice: Your friendly counselor is possibly an expert on a few issues that you can agree on. Search for these points and invite guidance. She’ll be happy that she is helping you, and you’ll be happy you have a way to avoid a showdown about topics that you don’t agree on.
Memorize a standard response: Here’s a comment that can be said in response to almost any piece of advice: “This may not be the right way for you, but it’s the right way for me.”
Be honest: Try being honest about your feelings. Pick a time free of distractions and choose your words carefully, such as “I know how much you love Harry, and I’m glad you spend so much time with him. I know you think you’re helping me when you give me advice about this, but I’m comfortable with my own approach, and I’d really appreciate if you’d understand that.”
Find a mediator: If the situation is putting a strain on your relationship with the advice giver, you may want to ask another person to step in for you.
Search out like-minded friends: Join a support group or online club with people who share your parenting philosophies. Talking with others who are raising their babies in a way that is similar to your own can give you the strength to face people who don’t understand your viewpoints.5
—Elizabeth Pantley,
Gentle Baby Care
5 Pantley, Gentle Baby Care, 514–19.
The Challenge of Consumerism and Overuse of Technology
There’s something that’s so engrossing about the kind of interactions people do with screens that they wall out the world. . . . I’ve talked to children who try to get their parents to stop texting while driving and they get resistance, “Oh, just one, just one more quick one, honey.” It’s like “one more drink.”
—Sherry Turkle, author of Alone Together, in “The Risks of Parenting While Plugged In,” New York Times
Our culture of consumerism is another enormous challenge parents face when trying to raise their children with the values of empathy and compassion. Young families are bombarded with an overwhelming array of choices: the latest cribs, strollers, swings, clothes, and electronic toys. Many are convinced that these are all must-haves to raise a happy, smart, and healthy child. Our media’s focus on celebrity, wealth, sensational crimes, and other extreme behavior enters our homes via television, newspapers, magazines, and the Internet every day. As soon as a baby is old enough to understand language, products are being directly marketed to this age group, with child psychologists acting as consultants! As noted in Chapter 9, it is all about balance. Some of the products advertised can be of help to an overwhelmed mom who may need to occasionally put the baby in a swing while she’s cooking or attending to other children. Educational videos or beautiful music can of course enhance family life in ways our grandparents could have never imagined. AP parents learn to ask themselves whether a “convenient” device will further separate them from a strong connection with their baby or enhance their relationship with their child. We must realize that allowing our children to view something on the Internet or TV is like inviting a guest into our homes—our kids look to us to protect them from inappropriate products and developmentally unsuitable programs.
The National Institute on Media and the Family reports that many children are spending most of their waking hours in front of an “ever expanding number of screens.”6 For too many children, screen time has replaced time with parents or caregivers engaging in more nurturing or educational activities like reading, imaginative play, and storytelling. Thirty-nine percent of children ages two to three have televisions in their bedrooms!
6 National Institute on Media and the Family, “Families become MediaWise.”
Here are ideas to give you control over television:
1. Avoid using TV as a babysitter. Think of how careful you are about choosing a babysitter and day care. Try to be just as careful about what your children watch on TV every day.
2. Know what your kids are watching. It is important to be aware of program content as well as the content of the daily news. The younger the child, the more impressionable he or she is, and the less experienced in evaluating content against the values of family and community. Additionally, emotional images may intrude upon and interrupt sleep.
3. Keep TV out of kids’ bedrooms. It is difficult to monitor what your children are watching when they are watching TV in their own rooms. Having a TV in a child’s room discourages participation in family activities and encourages him or her to watch TV when he or her could be studying, reading, or sleeping.
4. Set some guidelines about when and what children watch. This can be done in conversation with your children, but the final call belongs to the adults. The clearer the rules (e.g., no TV before school, or until homework is completed), the better. Setting new limits may be upsetting to your children at first, but consistency is very important.
5. Practice “appointment” TV. Decide in advance what’s good and watch it as a family. Go through the TV guide in the paper on Sunday, and make family decisions on shows to watch for the week. Discuss reasons for the decisions with your children. If in doubt, get more information. In choosing TV shows or videos, make use of independent evaluations, such as KidScore, TV and movie guides, and articles in magazines. Discuss issues and ideas with other adults, friends, and parents of your children’s playmates.
6. Talk to your child about what he or she is watching. Discuss what you are watching and ask specific questions. Ask what they see, because it may be very different from what you see. Ask them to tell you what things mean to them. Ask them why they watch specific shows, which characters they like and don’t like. Discuss the commercials and their perception of toys, cereals, and so on, and the people who sell them.
7. Turn the TV off during meals. Catch up with one another. Focus on one another. Share stories and activities from each family member’s day.
8. Use the DVR or DVD player to your advantage. Record a good show and schedule a special family viewing—complete with popcorn. If a show is on at an inconvenient time, such as mealtime, homework time, or family time, record it to watch later.
9. Put the family on a TV diet. Schedule some fun alternative activities. When you do watch television, watch it with your children.
10. Create a TV coupon system. Kids get coupons and turn them in when they watch a program. Unused coupons can be “cashed in” for a special family activity.
11. Don’t make the television the focal point of the room. Make your children the focus of your attention, not the TV. Research shows that people watch less TV if it is not in the most prominent location in the room.
12. Patronize good programs and demand more of them. Express your opinions to TV and radio stations, network executives, and advertisers. Tell them not only what you do not like but also what you like. Addresses for networks and local stations are in your TV guide. Also, remember that your money has a voice of its own.7
7 Ibid.
The Canadian Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (CSPCC) has been on the forefront of the issue of TV and advertising for decades. Its journal, Empathic Parenting, can be accessed on the website (www.empathicparenting.org), with well-researched and documented articles on the challenges parents face from a corporate culture of mass advertising to children. Dr. Elliott Barker, the founder of CSPCC, writes, “That happiness is to be attained through limitless material acquisition is denied by every religion and philosophy known to man but is preached incessantly by every American television set. Market-driven forces have usurped the role once assumed by family, home, and community. Few societies could imagine themselves surviving very long when one of their central institutions was advocating unrestrained greed.”8 Children are also a captive audience at many public schools. Some school systems partner with commercial companies that give them revenue in exchange for closed-circuit TV news and educational programs and (more important to them) the advertising of products directly to this vulnerable population. Can we swim against this tidal wave of consumer goods and protect our children from society’s onslaught of materialism and unhealthy values? Parents and schools need to be vigilant about exposing their children to such blatant commercialism and create an environment conducive to learning—not only academic subjects, but, more important, the values of living in a humane and compassionate society.
8 CSPCC, “Consumerism.”
The good news is that many parents are actively seeking alternatives to such strongly negative cultural influences. When families experience the simple joys of just spending more time together, turning off the TV, reading, walking, and eating meals together, they can recapture the connection that so often becomes lost in their busy lives. These simple ideas don’t cost any money, either! The beauty of attachment parenting is that it encourages us to look at the most basic values in life—love, connection, and simple living.
We may be bouncing between the future and the past, yet our children—the little Zen masters—long to stay suspended, fully engaged, in the moment. Our very best hope is that they’ll develop their own voices, their own instincts and resiliency, at their own pace. And despite how many times we forget—sometimes in a single day—we absolutely know this will take time.
—Kim John Payne,
Simplicity Parenting
Marketing to Infants and Toddlers
Did You Know?
Screen-Saturated Infants and Toddlers
The Baby Media Scam
9 CCFC, “Baby Scam: Marketing to Infants & Toddlers.”
Medical and Professional Advice
And now we come to the greatest challenge of all for many parents: To whom do we listen in the medical and professional world? This can be overwhelmingly difficult for new parents—as soon as they find out they’re pregnant or wanting to adopt, they are immediately faced with many critical decisions. If you take only one important lesson from this book, we sincerely hope it will be that you have the power, as your child’s greatest advocate, to make your own choices, based on what is best for your family.
A Mother’s Story of Empowerment
I am not always graceful when it comes to defending myself from criticism. The toughest situations for me are when I encounter a medical professional who is giving out perhaps well-intentioned but biased non-AP advice. I find it frustrating when I know more than my child’s healthcare provider about the science behind AP, or when the doctor or nurse is too conservative or traditional to see that there are other parenting styles than those promoted in the mainstream.
Once when I was at my oldest daughter’s one-year checkup at a local clinic, I encountered a doctor who advised me to start disciplining my child. As a preemie, she was only nine months developmentally and couldn’t even walk. That seemed a little young to me to begin disciplining. Then the doctor informed me that he expected me to spank her so that she would learn “no.” I debated this issue with him for several minutes, but after he made it clear that he wasn’t going to change his mind, I decided to switch to another medical clinic in search of a doctor who would allow me, as the parent, to make my own decisions and who would be more open to AP.
I think the key to being able to thwart criticism is being confident in my parenting decisions, which comes from experience, taking the time to do a little reading on the research behind AP, and having at least one person among my family and close friends who supports AP. I also rely heavily on API.
AP parents can also empower themselves by deciding to educate their critics instead of staying silent when someone gives them unwanted advice contradicting their parenting choices. I try to educate my critics when I can, but, if my words fall on deaf ears, it’s okay. I know that AP is working for me and my family, and that’s all that matters.
—Rita B.
Doctors and other medical professionals are only human—they base their advice not only on what they learned in medical school but also, in the parenting arena, often on what they experienced in their own homes. Remember that doctors’ experience and counsel varies widely from one to the next, depending on their training and their ability to read and digest mountains of the latest research and methodologies. Many patients have educated their doctors in the areas of healing and child rearing! Your job as the consumer is to ask a lot of questions—do your homework not only by reading and researching but also by talking to trusted friends, relatives, and parents. Ultimately, you should listen to your own common sense and decide what seems to be a good fit for you and your family. Networking can be your greatest tool and asset when looking to find a professional in your area. One of the reasons that we founded API (maybe the most important reason!) was to give parents a way to support one another in their parenting and to create a networking opportunity for finding all kinds of resources in the community. API groups often invite speakers to give talks on a variety of subjects—from birth options to educational options to medical professional choices in the community.
If we truly want peace in the world, let us begin by loving one another in our own families.
—Mother Teresa
Our children are living examples of what it means to fully embrace life with joy, passion, and enthusiasm by living in the moment and finding wonder in everything. The love, empathy, and affection our children learn from us and others in their lives will carry on into their adult relationships and with their children. Our children can be our greatest teachers in life if we allow it—they will challenge us to grow in ways we never believed possible, and, as a result, we will become better human beings and parents.
If we can truly be “the change we wish to see in the world,” then we can provide a home rich with love, safety, protection, imagination, and joy. When children are carefully and consciously raised with empathy, they will naturally be more compassionate toward others.
Our children don’t care if we have money, position, fame, or beauty. To them, we are the universe, and all they ask of us is our love, our time, and our nurturance. In return, they give us their unconditional love and joy and the promise of a lifetime of connection.