EMPOWERMENT

When you create a higher purpose for your relationship, it gives you a larger context beyond the daily joys and struggles. When things are tough or confusing, it helps to remember the purpose to which the relationship is dedicated. Some possible higher purposes to which your relationship could be committed might be: a growth or spiritual path to help each other evolve; a way to perform service in the world; to raise a conscious, loving family; to learn how to love. Describe your own higher purpose and put it into the form of an affirmation.

• Quiet your internal chatter so you can listen and deeply hear what your partner is saying to you.

None of this is easy, yet all of it is essential to keeping the communication channels in the relationship clear. With open channels, the love flows smoothly, offering its vitality to both people. Create the time to speak what’s in your heart.

To create a relationship that is balanced, you both need to put forward energy—your male side—and to receive energy—your female side. You both need to be able to communicate your ideas, visions, dreams, problems, concerns, and fears, and also to listen, take in, support, nurture, and nourish one another. Both parts make up the whole of who you are and are essential for a mature relationship.

Inherent in any committed relationship are times when you push against each other. You argue about whose point of view will prevail. Power confrontations are a natural and dynamic part of growth relationships. This is one of the most challenging aspects of the relationship. It demands that both people be willing to express what they want—clearly and firmly—and to confront the struggle head-on.

If either of you hides your wants out of fear of confrontation, the relationship can’t grow and one person begins dominating the other. We encourage you not to resist or be ashamed of your power struggles. Let them surface. Once the issues are acknowledged, you can work on finding solutions in which you both win. Though it’s difficult to accept sometimes, our differences are part of our attraction to each other. They are also a major part of how we grow and learn in a relationship.

You each need to find time to be alone and separate. Set aside time to nourish your individuality without having to consider the needs of your partner.

This time alone is essential to the health and well-being of the relationship. It’s a time to connect with your own spirit. Otherwise, each one sacrifices his or her individuality to the couple relationship and both eventually will begin to resent this.

If your primary focus is “working” on the relationship, it quickly becomes tedious. Every couple needs healthy doses of joyful play, both play for its own sake and play for the sake of the relationship. The spark that attracted you to each other needs to be regularly rekindled. The romance continually needs the space and time to be renewed. The best way to do this is to create time to enjoy each other and play together.

All relationships periodically bog down over some issue. Try as you will to get unstuck, you keep spinning your wheels. This is the time to reach out and ask for help. This may mean asking a trusted couple to offer some perspective. It may mean attending a workshop. It may mean seeking counsel from a therapist.

Change is inherent in any growing relationship. As each person grows, the dynamics of the relationship must change to accommodate this growth. As each person outgrows old patterns or embarks on new visions, the relationship must adjust. Outside factors, like work, family, and culture, are also continually impinging on the relationship and triggering change. To keep the relationship alive and vital, each partner must overcome the desire to keep things the way they have always been, to maintain the status quo. Successful couples stay attentive to their joint growing edges and honor change as a natural part of the relationship.

In the early stages of most relationships, we are careful to treat our partners respectfully. We listen to them carefully, don’t interrupt them while they’re talking, and are considerate of their feelings. As the relationship gets older, we tend to get sloppy in how we treat the person we love. We sometimes find ourselves saying and doing things that are hurtful. We expect and assume that our partner will stick around and that this gives us license to take advantage of his love and trust.

As a daily practice, think of your loved one as you would your best friend. Create an affirmation that reminds you how deeply you value your friend, an affirmation that you will always remember when you are together. Create an affirmation that will be true of the quality of your relationship a year or a decade hence.

Whenever you are with your partner, remember this affirmation. When you are tempted to let fly with your resentment or anger, think instead of the affirmation and the validation of your partner’s nature that it inspires in you. Let this affirmation be an enduring symbol of the respect you have for your partner.

A relationship is the master teacher of paradox. The person we love the most we often hurt the most. In a very brief period, we can experience intense joy and intense pain. There are times we can’t live without this person and times when we can’t live with her. There are times when the relationship offers us the most profound sense of stability—and, around the next corner, utter chaos and insecurity.

These kinds of paradoxes pervade the reality of relationship. If we are to be in relationship, we need to accept and embrace them. The stronger the relationship’s commitment to growth and love, the more easily it can bend when the winds blow.

As you read through these guidelines, you probably noticed how many times honest communication came up as an essential element of a growth relationship. It is the vital fluid that nurtures and sustains a relationship.

The heart of honest communication is vulnerability. It is the willingness to share the most fragile and tender parts of yourself with another. It is the willingness to talk about your deepest fears, self-doubts, and yearnings. It takes courage to allow your innermost feelings to be seen by another. It’s scary. There’s no guarantee your partner won’t reject you.

So why take the chance of being rejected? The answer is because it allows you to take the relationship a quantum leap forward. When you risk your heart in this way, you open yourself to love, support, and healing from another. You allow yourself to trust another human being. You allow another to enter intimately into your life. This is a profound experience and a blessing for both people. Let us share with you a story about vulnerability.

There was this guy named David, and he had a healthy dose of male enculturation. He was taught that you don’t show anybody parts of yourself that you’re not sure about. You certainly need to put your best foot forward if you’re going to win the heart of a fair maiden. Then he met a fair maiden named Gail and fell madly in love with her. Fortunately for him, the feeling was mutual.

After several months of seeing each other, Gail told David, “I’m afraid that you may reject me because I’m not good enough.” This surprised David, because he thought she was fantastic, everything he had ever hoped for. Gail continued to have her moments of insecurity and shared them freely with David. Every time she did that, David felt closer to Gail and respected her more for sharing her vulnerability. He also said to himself, “My God, I never would share stuff like that. If she knew I wasn’t totally together, she might reject me. I’d better keep putting my best foot forward.”

Meanwhile, David started having his own fears squirming around inside. Finally, after a few more months passed, during which Gail continued to freely share her deepest concerns about not being good enough for him, David worked up the courage to tell Gail that he had some fears of his own. He told her that he was afraid she might reject him for someone else. He told her that he had been rejected in a past relationship and was afraid he might get rejected again. He told her that he was head over heels in love with her and it was scary to be so out of control. Each time he shared these deep feelings, he took a breath and hoped that she wouldn’t walk away.

To his surprise and utter joy, Gail responded with great caring. She acknowledged that it must have been hard for him to overcome his past conditioning and speak so vulnerably. She told him that she loved him all the more and had no intention of leaving him.

David began realizing that as he opened up his fears of rejection to Gail, her love was helping to heal them. He started feeling that not only was it safe to be vulnerable with Gail; it actually helped heal his fears. His fear that Gail would think less of him if he shared his insecurity was gone. With nothing to hide or protect, he began openly discussing and healing his other deep fears about the relationship. Eventually, the relationship moved to a place where they both felt safe at any time sharing what was really in their hearts.

As a result of their acts of vulnerability, Gail and David came away with greater acceptance of themselves and each other. They grew and the relationship flowered.

If you, too, want your most intimate relationship to grow and flourish, you must work to heal and transform the deepest fears you hold about it. The first step in this process is discovering your fears and beginning your internal healing and transformation process. The second step is being willing to share these fears with the one you love. This next exercise will be an opportunity to take that first step of discovering and healing your fears.

You will soon begin healing, and transforming the deepest fears you hold about a loving, committed relationship. These are the fears that make you feel most vulnerable. Fear and vulnerability are not easy things to face, and there are all sorts of ways we can trick ourselves out of coming to terms with these issues. For that reason, we’re including a list of common fears to help you get through that first mental block; then, as part of the exercise, we’ll help you overcome the many resistances that may come up when you come close to expressing your vulnerability.

The first part of the exercise is a guided visualization to help you bring your fears about relationships to the surface. You then will choose the fear that is most core and come to understand it better. Then you’ll be guided to transform that fear into a vision of how you would like it to be. You’ll create your vision in both image and affirmation.

In the second part of the exercise, you will list any resistances you have to believing in your affirmation. This is a powerful mental clearing tool that will allow you to bring to the surface the old, unconscious mental programming, which might otherwise sabotage your affirmation.

After my marriage dissolved, I felt badly betrayed by someone I had really believed in. Since then I’ve pretty much slammed and bolted the door that leads to new relationships.

I wanted to turn this fear around. The first affirmation that I came up with was “I can have intimate, vulnerable relationships because I have discrimination and wisdom.”

Going deeper into my resistances, I realized that I am not open to being hurt. Yet if I’m to be vulnerable, I have to be open to being hurt. Going deeper still, I realized that being hurt is such a devastating experience because my self-esteem is destroyed. This is why it was so painful when my marriage fell apart. I was not strong, wise, or whole.

So the final affirmation I came up with is “I rejoice in my strength, wisdom, and wholeness and allow an intimate, vulnerable relationship into my life.”

Because of all the pain that went before, I can now really own these new qualities.

A list of common fears about relationships appears below, along with affirmations some people have found helpful in addressing those fears. These will prime the pump a bit and help you get at your own fears.

AFFIRMATION: I affirm all of my humanity and know that the deepest way of being loved is by being fully known.

AFFIRMATION: I am a unique and totally lovable person, and deserve all the gifts of a wonderful, loving relationship.

AFFIRMATION: If God could come up with someone like me, I’m sure there’s another one around who can match me. I attract that person to me.

AFFIRMATION: I feel whole and complete exactly as I am and attract into my life someone committed to a long-term relationship.

AFFIRMATION: I embrace the paradox of relationship—pain and joy. I learn from both of them.

FEAR: I will lose my independence and individuality and get trapped in a relationship.

AFFIRMATION: I choose a partner who supports my independence and individuality, and together we balance being together and being apart.

AFFIRMATION: I heal my relationship with my mother/father and attract a partner who is appropriate for me.

AFFIRMATION: I trust that I am clear enough to choose wisely and commit to keeping the relationship alive and growing.

AFFIRMATION: I accept the attraction of my partner to other people as natural and healthy. I encourage my partner and myself to develop other friendships, and support these friendships.

FEAR: Relationships are too complex in this day and age and are doomed to fall apart.

AFFIRMATION: Relationships work when love and the willingness to grow are present. I create a loving, growing, and totally successful relationship.

EXERCISE | FROM FEAR TO VISION

Allow approximately thirty minutes to do this exercise. You will need your journal and some colored pens, colored pencils, or other drawing materials. Space has been left in case you don’t have your journal handy. Find a quiet place where you will be undisturbed. Sit in a comfortable chair and put on some soft, relaxing music.

The guided visualization is divided into several parts. At certain points, you will be guided to close your eyes so you can more easily visualize. Draw or record your perceptions in your journal.

Remind yourself to maintain soft eyes as you move back and forth between your imaginative and ordinary states of mind. Get ready for this inner exploration.

1. Take a few deep breaths and feel the courage within you to explore your heart (note that courage comes from the Latin root cor, meaning “heart”). Close your eyes and visualize your courage. One way of connecting with your heart is to place a hand over your heart area.

2. Go into your heart and begin discovering those fears that you’re most afraid of sharing with someone you love. Make note of the fears that apply to you. The following questions may help you.

a. It is most difficult for me to tell someone I love that I am afraid of:

Rejection

Abandonment

Betrayal

Loss of freedom

Loss of self

Not being deserving of love

b. What is it that causes you to withdraw, to pull away in your intimate love relationship?

c. What situations seem to cause these fears to crop up? Write down your observations.

3. Keep going deeper into these fears and see if there is one fear that seems to embrace the other fears, one fear that is at the core. See if a particular fear seems to be the worst. Then write down what you’re afraid might happen. Record in your journal, with soft eyes, what you discover.

4. Keep going deeper into that fear. What does the fear look like? What color is it? What texture is it? What shape is it? Close your eyes and visualize and experience the fear. Using colored pens, colored pencils, or pastels, draw a picture of the fear.

5. How does looking at this fear make you feel? Write down the words that come to you. Then ask the fear two questions: Why have I created you in my life? What do you have to teach me? Reflect on these questions. Record your answers in your journal.

6. You created your fear. It is just as possible for you to create the most ideal circumstance for yourself that you can imagine. How would you like things to be? What is your vision of what lies on the other side of the fear? What does this vision look like? What image captures the feeling of this vision? What words describe how this vision allows you to feel? See yourself moving through your fear and fully becoming one with your vision. Draw the image and record the words that describe your vision.

7. Allow this vision, and all the insight you have gained from it, into your heart. Breathe in and experience this expanded feeling. Do this several times. Then translate your vision into an affirmation of how you would like your relationships to be. Write it down.

8. After you have created your affirmation, do the following mental clearing process. Clear as many layers of resistance as you can.
a. Now that you have written down your affirmation, write down any resistances you have to believing it. For example, if your core fear is rejection, your affirmation might be: “I accept myself and share who I am totally.” Your resistance to believing this might be: “No way. I’ll get hurt if I fully open myself to someone.” Now, instead of negating the resistance, which only energizes it more by according it mental attention, reaffirm your affirmation and give it your mental energy. Once again, write down your affirmation. Then write down the next resistance that comes up for you. The next resistance that comes up might be: “Forget it. No one will love me when they really get to know me.”

b. Do this three to five times. You’ll discover that it’s like peeling the layers of an onion. You peel off one resistance and notice another, more subtle resistance underneath. Because you are working with a deeply ingrained fear, it takes time to identify all the resistances to believing your new affirmation. Remember to reaffirm your affirmation each time you write your resistance so as not to get overwhelmed by the resistances.

c. Through this peeling process, you will either find that the affirmation is believable to you and you are capable of overcoming these resistances, or that you need to back up because you are beyond your growing edge. If you are beyond your growing edge, using the first example, perhaps the affirmation might need to be “I accept myself,” leaving out the phrase “and share who I am totally.” Use your resistances as feedback and adjust your affirmation accordingly.

9. Now write down your final affirmation.