We rode until dusk, stopping to make camp near a small river so the horse could get a drink. The horse shifted nervously when the wolves began howling again. They didn’t sound any closer, but they also didn’t sound farther away. Both Trey and I stopped making camp to stand and listen.
“Do you think they’re followin’ us?” I asked Trey in a low voice.
He frowned. “They should have plenty to hunt without needin’ to track us down, but I’ve heard stories of packs sometimes gettin’ bored and goin’ after humans just for the challenge.”
I shuddered, the hair on the back of my neck rising.
“It’s ok,” he said, reaching over to squeeze my gloved hand. “They’re still not close enough to be a threat.”
“And if they get close enough to be a threat?”
That muscle in his jaw flexed once. “Then we’ll have to be prepared to fight.” He looked down at me, his eyes sharp. “You know how to shoot?”
“Yeah. Well, I didn’t get much practice with Juck, but Wolf taught me.”
“I’ve only got the one pistol, but hold on.”
He moved into the trees, searching for something while I stood with the horse. A loud crack sounded, and the horse and I both startled.
Trey returned holding a large dead branch. “We’ll make this into a torch. Animals have an instinctive fear of fire, so that can be an effective weapon.”
I nodded as we moved back to our campfire, taking a seat beside him as he stripped some of the smaller branches off.
“If the horse takes off, let her.” He glanced at our horse, regret clear on his face. “The wolves will probably go after her instead of us. They want their prey to run, so no matter what, don’t run.”
Nausea swirled in my stomach, but I nodded.
“And if I tell you to climb a tree, you gotta promise you’ll do it, even if it means leavin’ me behind.”
My eyes shot to his face. “No.”
“Bones—”
“No,” I snapped.
“Bones—” he tried again, reaching over to grab my hand, but I jerked away.
“No.” I fixed him with a fierce look. “I’m not gonna leave you behind. So don’t you dare fuckin’ ask me to do that.”
He stared at me for a moment and then sighed, bringing his hand up to rub his face. “Just, can you at least promise that you’ll try to stay safe? Remember you can heal me, but if you get hurt,” his voice broke, “I can’t do a damn thing about it.” He dropped his hand, and the worry in his eyes made my throat tighten.
“I’ll try to stay uninjured, but please don’t ask me to promise anythin’ else,” I allowed.
He took a deep breath, and I watched him swallow the argument he wanted to have. “Ok,” he muttered. “Ok.”
In the silence, the fire crackled and the horse chewed her oats. We studied each other, and I wondered if he also wished we were still back in our warm, safe room at Zeke’s outpost like I did.
“Why wouldn’t you heal yourself after you were whipped?” he asked.
I narrowed my eyes. “What do you mean, why? You saw what it did to Sam.”
“So, what, you’re never gonna do that again? Even if the alternative is dying?” His voice sounded even, but a strong emotion flickered in his eyes.
“Yes,” I said a little shortly. I didn’t know why the hell we were even having this conversation.
“Bones,” he pleaded, and I recognized the emotion in his eyes. It was fear.
“Trey, I’m not gonna drain the life out of someone to save my own skin.” I tried to soften my voice. “Sam almost died. He was still mostly bedridden even when we left.”
That muscle in his jaw flexed again.
“Would you honestly do it?” I pressed, and he didn’t respond, but we both knew what the answer would be.
"I just can’t watch you get hurt again," he finally confessed, "and be fuckin' helpless to do anything."
“Trey.” My eyes prickled at the emotion in his voice. I’d never seen him like this before. I stood from the log we were sitting on and moved to stand between his long legs, crouching to meet his gaze. “It’s gonna be ok.”
He stared at me, his jaw tight. I cradled his face with my bare hands. The stubble on his face had grown thick enough to be called a beard now. His eyes locked on mine.
“It’s gonna be ok,” I repeated.
He sucked in a deep breath, then turned his head to press a kiss into my palm. “Sorry. I just—” He cleared his throat. “I saw my dad’s body after he was killed by that bear, and I just keep picturing it happenin’ to you.”
I ran my fingers through his hair, and his long eyelashes fluttered closed. “I’ll be careful.”
He smirked, his eyes still closed. “S’not really reassurin’ comin’ from you.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’ve never promised to be careful, so don’t go actin’ like that’s a promise I’ve broken.”
He cracked his eyes open, his grin widening. “Sorry. You’re right. But if you bein’ careful actually looks like bein’ careful, I will eat my damn hat.”
I glanced up at his knit hat, raising my eyebrows. “Hope you’re hungry.”
His arms snaked around me, pulling me tight against him. “I am hungry,” he said in a low voice that made my blood heat, “but not for that.”
I grinned and pulled his head down so I could kiss him deeply, sucking his bottom lip into my mouth. He groaned and pulled me even tighter, but the eerie sound of a wolf howling made us both freeze again.
“Did that one sound closer?” I asked, dread spreading through me like ice.
“Yeah,” he muttered, staring out into the darkness as answering howls sounded.
“Do we wait or do we go?”
Trey hesitated. “Probably better to go. If we travel through the night, maybe we can put some distance between us without pushin’ the horse too much.”
I nodded, getting to my feet. Together we packed up the few things we’d set out. The horse shifted, staring out into the darkness. When we set out, she moved forward at a trot like she was eager to leave. Thick clouds swallowed the moon, and the darkness pressed in on us, our small lantern only illuminating a few feet in front of us. I could feel the tension in Trey’s body, and I wished I could do something to get his mind off animal attacks. I remembered him telling me that story about him and Mac when they were teenagers. I frowned, trying to think of a lighthearted story. I didn’t have very many, but then a memory surfaced.
"For a while when I was really little, Dune used to insist he had a friend named Ash. Any time he got in trouble for somethin' he'd try to say it was Ash who did it. Used to drive Wolf crazy, I guess. Then it kinda became a joke between the three of us. If somethin' unusual happened, we'd always say, 'Must've been Ash.'"
I hadn’t thought of that in a long, long time. It made my eyes prickle. I tried to avoid thinking about the good memories I had with my brothers because it hurt so bad it made it hard to breathe. For the first few months with the Reapers, I’d been haunted by those memories. I missed them so much that I started contemplating turning myself in so Wolf could kill me. They could bury me beside Dune, and I wouldn’t hurt anymore. That was about the time when Wolf’s lessons on survival started manifesting in his voice growling at me in my head. One night as I lay crying in my bedroll, I realized I couldn’t hold onto those memories and survive. So I forced myself to shove them all down and pretend they didn't exist. I got so good at it that sometimes I did forget.
Trey’s arms around me tightened. “Ash,” he repeated in an amused voice. “Me an’ Mac tried to blame Clarity for a broken lamp once.”
“Did your mom believe you?” I asked.
He chuckled. "No cause Clarity couldn't even sit up by herself, much less throw a ball."
I grinned, trying to picture them as kids.
“I don’t remember which one of us came up with the idea, but it wasn’t our best.”
“So I guess you’ve always been a bad liar.”
“Hey,” he said, indignant. “I’m not a bad liar.”
I let out an amused huff. “Sure.”
“I just don’t lie much.”
“Cause you’re bad at it.”
“I bet I could tell you a lie right now and you’d believe it.”
“Try me.” I grinned.
“Alright. I’m gonna tell you three things and one of ’em will be a lie and you have to guess which one.”
“Ok.”
He paused for a moment, thinking. “I hate mice. I don’t like goat cheese. I can’t swim.”
I had to resist laughing. His voice changed on the last statement, a clear tell, and besides that I doubted the Safeguard training would neglect swim lessons. “You can swim.”
“How did you know that?” he demanded.
“You’re a bad liar,” I repeated, tilting my head back to grin at him. “It’s ok. I love that about you.”
He glared playfully down at me.
“You don’t like—
A howl interrupted me and we both fell silent. The horse’s ears flicked back, listening. They still sounded close, but not closer.
“Should we be quiet?” I whispered.
“Probably wouldn’t hurt,” he muttered.
I tried not to think about the wolves, but they kept howling like they wanted to remind us they were there. I couldn’t help thinking how horribly fitting it would be if I spent most of my life afraid of Wolf killing me only to be killed by actual wolves.
The night seemed to stretch on forever. I dozed off a few times, usually jerking awake in a panic and startling the horse and Trey. He kept insisting I could sleep, but I didn't want to make him stay awake alone, so I fought it the best I could. The wolves howled until the sky began to lighten. Our poor horse plodded through the snow. We would have to take a break soon. As the sun rose, we listened for the wolves, but the mountains had fallen silent again.
“Hey, look!” Trey said, pointing a hand in front of us.
I followed his finger to see faint plumes of white smoke rising from behind the next rise. My heart seized in anxiety. “Is that a fire?”
“No.” I glanced up to see him grinning. “I’m gonna make it a surprise if you don’t know.”
“Ok,” I said with suspicion.
It took us several more hours to reach the white smoke, but we didn’t hear the wolves at all. As we drew nearer, I wrinkled my nose. Something smelled foul.
“What is that smell?”
“Well, it’s part of the surprise,” Trey admitted.
I twisted to look at him, eyebrows raised.
“I promise it’s a good surprise.”
“A good surprise that smells like that?” I asked, but he just laughed.
When the source of the smoke came into view, my mouth dropped open. It wasn’t smoke. It was steam. About halfway down the hill from us a waterfall seemed to be coming from the ground, spilling down into several deep rock pools that led to a small river snaking through the valley. The river had chunks of ice along the edges, but the clear pools of water steamed like a hot bath.
"It's called a hot spring. The water's hot all year round, but they all smell like this, unfortunately."
“How?”
“Dunno. Just comes up from the ground that way. You wanna soak? It’ll give the horse a chance to rest and I’m pretty sure the wolves are doing the same since they’ve gone quiet.”
I grinned and nodded.
Trey took the horse down to the river to get a drink and give her more oats while I stayed by the pool with our supplies. I ate some of the food Zeke sent with us as I slipped my boots and socks off, rolling up my pant legs to dip my toes in the hot water. A moan escaped my lips. I couldn’t wait to get my stiff, sore body in there.
As soon as Trey made his way back up, I handed him the rest of the food I’d been eating, then shrugged off my jacket and pulled my shirt over my head. When he came back into view, I almost laughed. He was watching me undress with dark eyes, a smile playing across his lips, and his hand frozen halfway to his mouth as though he'd completely forgotten about the bread he'd been about to bite.
“You better finish that so you can join me.” I grinned as I pulled down my pants.
He immediately stuffed the whole thing into his mouth, and I laughed. I waded naked into the pool, trying to avoid slipping on the rocky bottom. Standing in the middle, the water came up to my chest, and it felt incredible, especially on my back. When I turned to glance at Trey again, he was already wading in after me.
“This is amazing,” I said as he neared.
“You’re amazing,” he said in a rough voice and his lips crashed into mine.
I matched his energy, our tongues rolling over each other. I’d never wanted someone like this. Would it always be like this, like I would never get enough?
His beard scratched pleasantly against my skin. I slid my hand down between us, grasping the length of him in the water, and his fingers tightened on my skin as his breathing hitched. Our lips broke apart and I watched his face as I brushed my thumb across the velvet tip of his cock and he shuddered, his hips thrusting into my hand as he swore. I stroked him for a while, exploring what made his breathing hitch and what made him groan my name. He tried to slide his hands to my breasts, but I stopped him.
“It’s my turn.” I smugly echoed back his words from that night in the woods.
He huffed a laugh, then swore again as I continued stroking him.
“You keep doin’ that, and I won’t be able to last much longer,” he rasped.
I grinned, releasing him and he swiftly bent to wrap his arms around my waist. My feet left the rocky bottom as he stood straight up, and I wrapped my legs around his waist.
“I want to hear you moanin’ my name again.” His lips ghosted over the shell of my ear as he lined himself up at my entrance. “I want to see you glowin’ and comin’ undone.”
I shivered, my heart racing, then gasped as he abruptly slid inside with one hard thrust.
“Fuck, Trey,” I choked out.
He began lazily rolling his hips, and my arm muscles strained as I tried to lift myself so I could increase the pace. I growled in frustration, and he chuckled.
“Trey,” I begged, “please.”
“What do you want, Bones?” he teased, tilting his head back to see my face.
The steam rose around us in gauzy ribbons. Sweat beaded on his forehead and tendrils of his hair clung to his face, damp from my wet hands dragging through it.
“Is this what you want?” he murmured before I could answer, pulling my hips down hard and making waves of water crest over the rocks.
My fingers dug into the sinewy muscles of his shoulders. “Yes.”
He did it again, harder, and I knew I’d probably have bruises on my hips from his hands.
“Don’t stop,” I whimpered, heat coiling through me.
“Gods, I love you,” he groaned, slamming into me and making the water choppy with waves from the movement.
“Trey,” I gasped.
My blood buzzed through my veins, and I could feel my power building with the pleasure.
He continued his brutal pace, making me keen through my teeth. My skin began to glow faintly, and a devilish smile crossed his face. My head tipped back, my breath coming in fast pants, as electricity sizzled through me.
“Oh my gods,” I gasped, “right there.”
He pulled my hips down onto him even harder. “Right there?”
“Gods, Trey,” I managed to gasp before the entire pool filled with soft golden light.
“Fuck, darlin’.” His pace grew even more frantic and desperate.
I looked at him, bathed in the golden light that emanated from me, and thought he was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I watched the pleasure shatter across his face, his muscles clenching as he panted. I’d never get tired of seeing him like that.
As he stilled, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him in to kiss him again. I meant for it to be a soft, gentle kiss, but his arms pulled me tightly against him. He sucked my tongue into his mouth, demanding and needy like he couldn't get enough even though his cock was still buried inside of me. I kissed him back just as fiercely, and soon I felt him harden inside of me again. I grinned against his lips.
“What, that wasn’t enough for you?”
“This is what you do to me,” he murmured, rolling his hips. “I will never get enough of you, Bones.”
"Well, you make me literally glow.” My breath hitched.
That smug smile returned. He continued to slowly thrust into me, and a tiny whine escaped my lips.
“I love those noises you make,” he rasped, increasing his pace.
“I love you.”
His sunshine smile shone as bright as the golden light beaming from my skin.
We spent a couple of hours in the hot spring pool, soaking and enjoying each other's bodies. Again, I never wanted to leave, but as we lingered, reality kept creeping closer.
Eventually, I sighed and wrapped myself around him. "I wish we had more time."
“I know. Hopefully soon we’ll have all the time in the world.”
“Might not be enough,” I said, pressing my cold nose against his neck.
He laughed. “Might not be.”
“I’d rather not get eaten by a wolf though.”
“Same.”
I forced myself to let go of him and make my way out of the pool. My skin still glowed faintly and as I stepped into the cold air steam rose from my body.
“You look like a fallen star,” Trey said in a low voice.
I turned to see him gazing at me, and I wished I had one of the cameras from Before. I wanted to memorialize that expression on his face so I could always remember him staring at me with awe and love and desire. It made my eyes burn with emotion, but then the icy wind gusted, and I scrambled for my clothes.
"Gods, I didn't think about how cold it would be to get out," I said through chattering teeth.
"Yeah, that's always the worst part," Trey said, emerging next to me, his skin also steaming.
“Do you think we could start a fire?” I asked as we quickly dressed.
Trey hesitated, glancing out at the quiet landscape. “I’d feel better if we put some more distance between us and the wolves.”
We made our way down the hill to where the horse dozed on her feet. Trey saddled her back up and we ate a little more before starting out again. Trey handed me a small metal compass and showed me how to make sure we were heading west. Mountains and trees spread as far as I could see under the huge blue sky.
"Once we get through these mountains we'll come to a large river," Trey explained as we followed a small deer trail in the snow. "If we follow it south, we'll come to a dam. We can cross there and keep goin' west."
“Have you been this far before?” I asked.
“I’ve been to the dam, but that’s as far as I’ve gone.”
“What were you doing at the dam?”
“There was a group of people livin’ inside the dam, but they went radio silent. So Madame sent us out to go check on ’em.”
“Really?” It surprised me Madame would care.
“Well, she wasn’t so much concerned with their well-being,” Trey clarified. “They were people who used to be at the Vault, but Madame thought controlling the only crossing for miles and miles would be advantageous. So she sent a team to do that. I was just a kid when they left. They ran the damn for years, demanding payment from people who wanted to cross.”
“What happened?” I asked, already guessing the answer.
“They were all dead,” Trey answered, confirming my suspicion. “Either some group didn’t want to pay the toll or they were tryin’ to take control of the dam. Looked like a massive firefight, and none of our people survived.” He sighed. “So we collected whatever hadn’t been looted, burned the bodies, and left. After that Madame decided the dam was too far away from the Vault to maintain.”
“Do you think the wolves are still followin’ us?” I asked after a pause, rubbing my gritty eyes and trying to stifle another yawn.
“Not sure,” he said tensely. “I hope not.”
As much as I tried to stay awake, I must have passed out because the next thing I knew, Trey was shaking me, and the sun was disappearing behind the mountains.
“How long was I asleep?” I mumbled, disoriented and annoyed at myself.
“A while,” Trey said, but he didn’t sound mad. He dismounted and I realized we’d stopped to make camp for the night.
“Have you heard the wolves at all?” I asked anxiously as I slid off the horse.
“No,” he said, but he didn’t look happy about it. “I don’t know if that’s good or bad.”
I studied him as we started setting up our campsite. He moved slower than normal, his face lined with exhaustion.
“Trey, you should sleep, and I’ll take the first watch.”
He looked like he wanted to argue for a moment, but then he just nodded. “Alright.” He cracked a weary smile. “Do I look as tired as I feel?”
I smiled. “You look pretty damn tired.”
He made a face. “Guess I do then.”
I had to hassle him into only doing the bare necessities so he could get to sleep. He insisted on finding a big dry stick to use as a torch, building a small wood pile for the fire, and showing me how to use his pistol, but then he collapsed into the bedroll and immediately passed out. I settled myself next to his head, holding my cold hands out to our crackling fire with his gun in my lap. The woods were quiet and still. Our poor horse had started dozing almost as soon as we’d dismounted. I hoped we were able to give her enough rest tonight.
My thoughts drifted back to the Vault as I stared at the fire, full of bittersweet wishes and wants that I knew better than to have. It took me a while to name the emotion clogging my throat. I was homesick.
That realization hurt like a physical blow. I hadn’t had a home in twelve years, partly due to living with a roaming bike gang, but even if the Reapers had stayed in one place, it never would have felt like home. Not like the Vault. The Vault felt like home because of the people I’d left behind. People I’d probably never see again.
I let myself cry for a little while, but I didn't want to wake Trey, so after a few minutes I wiped my face and tried to stop. The shame for wanting Trey enough to let him come with me rose, reminding me of its existence.
How would I get his attention? I couldn’t just take a narc because he’d get in my head and see Trey. Fear gripped my lungs. Despite my best efforts, he would find out about Trey eventually. We would be running for the rest of our lives. Did Trey understand the toll of that kind of life? I did. I knew exactly how it felt to be constantly looking over my shoulder and suspecting everyone of ill intent. Would Trey be able to live like that? Gods, would this leave him as broken as me?
The wind blowing in the trees almost sounded like a howl, and it made the hair on my arms stand on end. I curled my gloved hand around Trey’s gun and stared into the darkness, listening and trying my hardest to stop thinking, but my brain latched onto all my guilt and anxiety and would not let it go. When Trey woke up a few hours later, I tried to stuff the emotion back down to hide it.
“Hey,” he yawned as he sat up, “any trouble?”
"Nope." I thought I did a passable job of sounding normal, but his eyes snapped to my face.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothin’.” I tried to smile. “Just tired.”
“Bones, don’t do that. What’s wrong?”
“Don’t do what?” I crossed my arms.
“Don’t shut me out,” he said, frustration clear on his face.
“I’m not,” I said more shortly than necessary.
He gave me an incredulous look. “Something is clearly wrong, and you’re lying about it.”
“I’m fine!”
“No!” He shoved his feet in his boots, that muscle ticking in his jaw. “We’re not doin’ that anymore, remember?”
I gritted my teeth, my temper rising. “What, so that means I have to tell you everything?”
He stood, frowning down at me. “No, it means you can be honest with me. You don’t have to carry shit by yourself.”
“Trey.” I tried to sound reassuring. “I really am fine. I can handle stuff on my own, I promise.”
He stepped in front of me and crouched, his eyes glittering with emotion. “You wanna know how I know that’s a lie?” He didn’t wait for me to say anything before barreling ahead. “I know that’s a lie cause every single time you’ve had a burnout fever, it’s like you’re a different person. You don’t try to hide how scared or lonely or hurt you are. You ask me to stay with you. Even after you refused to talk to me, when you got that burnout fever tryin’ to heal Mist, you were inconsolable askin’ for me until Griz finally came and got me. And then you clung to me and begged me not to leave. That's when I realized those fevers were the only time I saw how you were actually feelin'. And it killed me to know how much you were hurtin' inside, but you wouldn't fuckin' let me or anyone else help you." He paused, his eyes searching my face. "I probably could've asked you anythin' when you were feverish and you would've been honest with me, but I didn't. I want you to tell me shit ’cause you trust me."
I stared at him as my eyes welled up. I remembered that time after the fire when I asked him if I said shit while delirious, and he lied. Now I knew why. I wanted to be mad. I was mad, horrified that I’d been vulnerable without even knowing, but that didn’t explain the pain in my chest. I knew he wasn’t lying. Besides the fact he was a horrible liar, he’d worked so hard for my trust, and no one in my life had ever done that before.
“I don’t—”
“Bones.” Trey grabbed my hands and squeezed them, his voice thick with emotion. “It’s ok to need people. It’s ok.”
My eyes overflowed and he tugged me forward into his chest, wrapping his arms around me.
“Let people in, darlin’. You gotta let ’em in. There are good people out there. Not perfect, but people who are tryin’ to do the right thing and they want to help. You don’t have to be strong all the time. You can lean on me.”
“I’m just so scared,” I whispered through the tears.
“There’s a lot of scary shit out here,” he murmured. “Everyone’s scared. Hell, I’m scared half to death most of the time.”
I scoffed.
“I am.” He squeezed me tighter. “Especially when the woman I love is out jumping into pits to fight fuckin’ giants with just a tiny knife.”
I choked on a tearful laugh.
"I know it's a risk, but gods, Bones, don't you want to live for something else besides just survivin'? What's the point if you're too scared to experience all the things that make life worth living? I am scared—fuckin’ terrified, of losing you. I don’t know how much time we have, but I do know I don’t want to miss a single second of lovin’ you.”
I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him tight against me. “I’m—” my voice broke, “I’m tryin’. I s-swear.”
“That’s all I’m askin’.”
I sniffled. I hated that this was so hard for me, that I was frustrating him, that I was so fucking damaged and he had to work so hard—
He pulled back to look at me, eyes glowing in the firelight. “This is the part where you tell me what’s goin’ on in your head. What’s scarin’ you?”
Fear clogged my throat, and for a moment we stared at each other as I struggled.
“I just…so much of me is…is broken.” My fingers twitched with the urge to touch the brand on my chest.
“Bones—”
“No, Trey, listen,” I interrupted, “you…bein’ with you feels like…like you’re healin’ me. But I’m so scared if I lose you…if somethin’ happens to you—”
“Don’t go down that path.”
“Trey, it’s…I’ve lost everyone I ever cared about. I’m stuck on this fuckin’ path.”
“You’re only stuck if you believe you’re stuck.” He looked so calmly confident.
“Trey,” I said, frustrated, “it’s not that easy. I can’t just believe things are different and then they magically are."
“Why not?” he asked. “Maybe if you put good things out into the world, good things will find you.”
We stared at each other for a few breaths before I spoke.
“That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”
He took my hands and squeezed them. "Bones, you can heal people just by touching them. A year ago, if somebody had asked me if I believed that kinda magic existed, I would've laughed. Magic exists, so maybe it is that simple.”
“If it’s that simple, then why do good people go through shit?” I demanded.
"I dunno," he said like it didn't terrify him to not have answers. "But I don't think anythin' bad can come from being a good person." He waited, but I stayed silent, so after a minute he just sighed. "C'mon, you should get some sleep now."
I pulled off my boots and climbed into the abandoned bedroll, watching him put more wood on the fire. My thoughts rattled around in my head like rocks. I didn’t know how to explain to him that he was putting the pieces of me back together, but if I lost him, I would break again. And I wasn’t sure there’d be anything left of me.